Shy and introverted mistaken for standoffish and unfriendly, anyone else?

[Ninawest100]

I think I'm kind and polite, I smile and try to ask people questions about themselves.
However I wouldn't say I'm massively sociable and it probably comes off as unfriendly.
I work in a small team, I'm polite with everybody and ask some questions such as how was your weekend. However I try to keep a certain distance and I'm not 'friends' with them. I just feel like you have to be careful sometimes in work situations.
I was in a mixed gender team before and now and all-female one. I feel like I don't really 'fit' for some reason.
A former colleague of mine was texting my current colleague asking how it was going here. She mentioned the names of 'lovely' staff which was everyone bar me and our boss. It shouldn't matter what she thinks, just seems a bit harsh to mention everyone apart from me.

Outside of work, I've never felt that popular. I see people who are getting birthdays doorstep deliveries in lockdown from various friends, massive tributes on social media, but I know I would never get anything like that.

I like to meet people a few times in a group setting and get to know them a bit more, I think it takes time to really become friends with somebody. However I know people who have invited somebody they met the same day to have tea at their house or gone travelling with somebody they've known for a week, and just seemed to really click and hit it off.
People who go to hostels and make 20 lifelong friends there.
It shouldn't matter that I'm not like this, I don't know why I am bothered. I've never been described as friendly by anyone or sociable. I would like more friends and close connections, I'm just more reserved and not an open book right away. Does anybody else feel like this ?

[HelpfulBelle]

@AdultierAdult

Mark from Peep Show sums it up for me exactly how I feel.

When I was younger, I made fitting in my special interest, although I never quite mastered it. Unlike a lot of people on the thread I’m outgoing and a bit of an over talker/sharer, so I have to check myself massively at all times, which is draining.

[jellybellybanana]

I get completely what you mean by being 'gushed' over, and I find it interesting that people have taken offence

Nobody has taken offence. Just pointed out that its a negative thing to say and says a lot about the person saying it.

There's a biog difference between being introverted and being standoffish and judgemental.

[TheThermalStair]

@RampantIvy

I think there is a difference between introverted and quiet, and introverted, quiet and aloof. I have quiet friends who are introverts. I can sit in happy companionable silence with them, but I never get the feeling that they think that they are above small talk or think that I make too much inane chatter. One of them in particular has a really dry sense of humour and whenever he says anything it is something worth listening to.

I’m afraid that the quiet introverts on this thread who are disparaging about small talk do come across as aloof. And the quiet introverts who say that they wish that they could confidently make small talk and are envious of those who can don’t.

I totally “get” the apart feeling. I have had jobs where I felt this, but it was simply that I hadn’t met my “tribe”. I have never had a huge group of friends, but I feel comfortable with the friends I have now. I also think that as I am older I now care less about what people think of me, and that makes me more relaxed about talking to people. I also think that these people with huge groups of friends probably aren’t as close to them as you think they are.

I totally agree with all this. I think I have friends of both types, in fact.

The one who people always think is aloof/unfriendly is actually SUCH a kind person when you're friends, but also does look on many people as lesser mortals tbh. I think some on this thread have the same issue, wanting to be part of things but actually being quite misanthropic. Not necessarily a bad thing or something they can or want to change. But it's hardly surprising if others pick up on that an feel disliked (because they are).

LOL about the gushing! I have friends who type messages like that. It's just social convention really for some, a bit like writing "your humble servant" in a letter or something - not to be taken literally. And sometimes you really do miss each other and genuine messages like that are exchanged.

[greatauntfanny]

@jellybellybanana

I get completely what you mean by being 'gushed' over, and I find it interesting that people have taken offence

Nobody has taken offence. Just pointed out that its a negative thing to say and says a lot about the person saying it.

There's a biog difference between being introverted and being standoffish and judgemental.

I disagree entirely, the use of the word 'gush' has been referenced several times as evidence the OP is rude/judgemental.

The OP used the word in the following sentence:

'...I know there's nothing at all wrong with fading into the background either. It's ok to be average, to not stand out, to not be gushed about.'

...and a handful people have jumped down her throat. Nah, they've got to have taken something personally to be aggrieved by the above.

Some people ARE gushed over. Some people gush over people. Very often these people form groups of... gushyness. Occasionally, in their gushyness, they neglect to notice that they have inadvertantly excluded someone (like the OP's colleague who gushed over every member of the team except OP).

[Rukaya]

Occasionally, in their gushyness, they neglect to notice that they have inadvertantly excluded someone (like the OP's colleague who gushed over every member of the team except OP

Nobody neglected to notice they had accidentally excluded OP. They didb't include OP in the list of people who they thought were nice: because they don't think OP is very nice.
You hugely missed the point.

[greatauntfanny]

@Rukaya

Occasionally, in their gushyness, they neglect to notice that they have inadvertantly excluded someone (like the OP's colleague who gushed over every member of the team except OP

Nobody neglected to notice they had accidentally excluded OP. They didb't include OP in the list of people who they thought were nice: because they don't think OP is very nice.
You hugely missed the point.

I was giving them the benefit of the doubt.

If they missed her out deliberately, in front of her, that's very nasty.

[ConkerBonkers]

Greatauntfanny totally agree and could be construed as workplace exclusion, if part of a continued prolonged pattern of behaviour from that person

[ivfbabymomma1]

I'm not like a very shy person but if I'm in a group of new people or whatever and I know I'm acting shy then I kinda make a joke of it and confess rather than people thinking I'm rude or whatever. But I know admitting your shy can be cringe! And not something you should have to do.

[Rukaya]

If they missed her out deliberately, in front of her, that's very nasty

Read the OP. It was in a private text that wasn't for OP. And they are allowed whatever opinions they want: they stated who was friendly and nice and OP was neither, in their opinion. Nothing nasty about it.

[Rukaya]

Greatauntfanny totally agree and could be construed as workplace exclusion, if part of a continued prolonged pattern of behaviour from that person

No, it could not.

[floofycroissant]

Meeeee! I also tend to get pigeon holed as a walkover as well.

[MiaMarshmallows]

I know a fitness instructor like this. It's almost like she has a cult following and there are a lot of 'single white female' followers of hers. Everyone always saying how amazing she is, what a beautiful personality she has, how gorgeous she is, how funny and entertaining she is etc. When she left a post about her job being one of the hardest to do, everyone swarmed around her agreeing. I ended up blocking her as it was cringeworthy to read every morning.
I never hero worship anyone outside of my partner , family or best friends. I find the hero worshipping creepy and to me, she is just very loud, obnoxious nd fake. I am not saying all extroverts are like this so don't jump on me. But my point is, not everyone values loud, outgoing people.

[greatauntfanny]

@Rukaya

If they missed her out deliberately, in front of her, that's very nasty

Read the OP. It was in a private text that wasn't for OP. And they are allowed whatever opinions they want: they stated who was friendly and nice and OP was neither, in their opinion. Nothing nasty about it.

Assuming OP didn't go through her current colleague's phone, which I doubt she did, someone will have read the text out. That person either didn't notice it specifically didn't mention OP (most likely) or did notice and ready it out anyway (less likely but still possible).

[Hoppinggreen]

My DD is like this, she has always struggled with being seen as unfriendly
We set her a challenge to smile and say hello to people when she arrives at school, she says it’s hard but it does actually work. She has gone from being in tears on her own at lunchtime to being Miss popular. She does find it too much at times and school has created a safe place for her when she can’t sustain it

[greatauntfanny]

I find the general perception that people who don't like partaking in small talk think they're 'above it' quite misled and rather toxic.

[RampantIvy]

@greatauntfanny

I find the general perception that people who don't like partaking in small talk think they're 'above it' quite misled and rather toxic.

There is a difference between "I hate small talk" and "I'm rubbish at small talk"

The former can be construed as being aloof, and the latter as being shy.

[williowrosenburg]

@jellybellybanana wow so sorry did I hit a nerve?
You've totally read my message the wrong way. I don't think of these people negatively at all, I have friends who are like it. It's just an observation that if you struggle socially you can miss out things. I'm not the type to just walk around the office and strike up conversation with someone unless I have something I specifically need to say/ask. So missed out not being included the more social side of the office environment.

People assume because you aren't actively participating you aren't interested. Which isn't true, I just talk when I have something to say/ask/ input.... not just for the sake of it. I'm also a great listener rather then listening to reply, I actually listen to people I talk to.

I'm in my 30s now so it's not something that I worry about too much these days. My life is full without massive circles of friends. The friends I do have are ones I know I can count on for anything. They know me, they know I can be quiet and reserved but that's just me.
But it was something that bothered me a lot when I was younger as I thought there was something wrong with me. And this is not something I want my DD to experience.

[ConkerBonkers]

Rampantivy I wish I was able to contribute more in big groups, but often find it beyond me, and sometimes don't like it because I don't get it. Does that make me aloof? I do hate how it makes me feel tbh. It makes me feel pretty sh.. . Because I am often rubbish at it and as it serves such an important function and makes me feel inferior, because I find it hard to contribute I do hate it.

I really don't think that people are aloof because they find it difficult to get involved in this kind of conversation.

As I say I'm fine one on one but do struggle with this type of unstructured convo in a group setting, unless the people are my friends and I know them all well.

[greatauntfanny]

@RampantIvy I hate small talk. I don't enjoy it. It is something that I do not enjoy. I do it out of politeness, but I keep it to a minimum, because I find it draining. No doubt certain people who have met me find me dull and unlikeable. They are welcome to this opinion. They may assume I think I'm better than them. They would not be correct. I just don't like making small talk.

[Hoppinggreen]

@greatauntfanny

I find the general perception that people who don't like partaking in small talk think they're 'above it' quite misled and rather toxic.

DD says she doesn’t really get small talk
If someone comments on the weather she wonders whether they are telling her she has to do something- go out, stay in, put on a coat etc.
She also doesn’t know how to respond if someone makes a non question comment so “it’s cold today” would be pointless as far as she is concerned.
She can do it but it doesn’t come naturally to her and is an effort.

[RampantIvy]

I'm not good in big groups either @Missdotty

[Crazycrazylady]

My ds10 is like this ( started a recent thread) and reading your comments makes me thing i should do more to "help" him. ( hate that word in this context because he fabulous and kind), He is shy and not very self confident particularly when making small talk/chatting to his classmates.
Its doesn't help that he is academic and good at sport so it seems to me that most of his peers think he is "aloof" rather than deeply shy.

[Rukaya]

I'm not the type to just walk around the office and strike up conversation with someone unless I have something I specifically need to say/ask. So missed out not being included the more social side of the office environment.

You didn't miss out on being included though...you alienate yourself.

[Pbur]

I have this experience often too - groups like all the regular dog owners in the park where I am perfectly pleasant and have enjoyable chats and then find out they’re all having dinners and drinks at each other’s houses and I wasn’t invited? Not sure what steps I don’t follow between acquaintances and newly formed besties but I don’t really find that path. I was okay at school because I made two good friends and then just piggy backed along as they did all the work to get a “group”. As an adult I have also formed a tribe by collecting individuals I like and then organising events and holidays together with the ones I think will get on. Even then I’m always surprised at how fast the people I bring together seem to then become friends and do things independently of me, so much faster than it took me to form the original friendship! I don’t seem to perform very well in a crowd I guess? I’ve loved living in the UK because everyone is much more reserved and polite than where I’m from so I’ve found it a bit easier to ease into things, I was definitely the odd one out in the louder, bantering social culture where I’m from.

[williowrosenburg]

@Rukaya that's is how it may look on the outside but it's not an intentional thing.
As many people have posted below making small talk is just not something I understand.... i feel extremely awkward and self conscious.

I did continue to write a longer reply but in all honestly it doesn't really matter. I replied to the OPs post as I understand exactly what she feels.