Shy and introverted mistaken for standoffish and unfriendly, anyone else?

[Ninawest100]

I think I'm kind and polite, I smile and try to ask people questions about themselves.
However I wouldn't say I'm massively sociable and it probably comes off as unfriendly.
I work in a small team, I'm polite with everybody and ask some questions such as how was your weekend. However I try to keep a certain distance and I'm not 'friends' with them. I just feel like you have to be careful sometimes in work situations.
I was in a mixed gender team before and now and all-female one. I feel like I don't really 'fit' for some reason.
A former colleague of mine was texting my current colleague asking how it was going here. She mentioned the names of 'lovely' staff which was everyone bar me and our boss. It shouldn't matter what she thinks, just seems a bit harsh to mention everyone apart from me.

Outside of work, I've never felt that popular. I see people who are getting birthdays doorstep deliveries in lockdown from various friends, massive tributes on social media, but I know I would never get anything like that.

I like to meet people a few times in a group setting and get to know them a bit more, I think it takes time to really become friends with somebody. However I know people who have invited somebody they met the same day to have tea at their house or gone travelling with somebody they've known for a week, and just seemed to really click and hit it off.
People who go to hostels and make 20 lifelong friends there.
It shouldn't matter that I'm not like this, I don't know why I am bothered. I've never been described as friendly by anyone or sociable. I would like more friends and close connections, I'm just more reserved and not an open book right away. Does anybody else feel like this ?

I know exactly what the Op means by not being “gushed about”. I don’t think she’s being negative. You only have to go on facebook to see the same ones constantly gushed over. It’s always the confident popular ones, every time. It’s probably only noticed by us shy types. I don’t see it as a criticism, just an observation.

You say that you 'try and keep a certain distance' from work colleagues, but then you are surprised that a work colleague doesn't specifically tell someone that you are 'lovely'. I'm not being mean, I'm just pointing out that 'lovely' tends to be used to describe someone who is very warm and takes a genuine interest in others . . . . which you yourself say you don't do, you 'try to keep a certain distance'. Your work colleagues - and others you come across in life - probably like you, respect you and don't think badly of you. But if you are very reserved, as you describe, then often people will wonder if you don't like them and then will be too insecure to make the first move in friendship. People are less confident than you think, so if they meet two people and one is very warm and the other reserved they will of course respond in kind - they'll be warm to the warm one and reserved to the reserved one. People will mirror what they think you are giving out. If you really want more close connections you probably need to fake it til you make it a bit - if you find someone you like take a genuine interest in their life, when they tell you something follow up on it at a later date so they know you were listening, give away a little 'secret' of your own (it can be a silly little thing, just something that humanises you eg. 'OMG, I ate a whole packet of jaffa cakes last night and I feel gross today'). You sound like a thoughtful and clever person, I'm sure many people would be appreciative of your friendship if you gave them some encouragement.

that's is how it may look on the outside but it's not an intentional thing.
As many people have posted below making small talk is just not something I understand.... i feel extremely awkward and self conscious

Of course it's intentional. You don't like small talk so you don't do it. Thats intentional. You do understand it, you just don't like it....but here's the thing....many of us feel awkward and self concious, but we do it anyway, because its the done thing. It's how you get on with people and make friends, or at least be vaguely friendly.

There's some bizarre assumption here that Other People are just natural at social interaction and find it easy, and you (the collective you for all of those saying it) are somehow different. You're not. You just won't make the effort whereas we do it, awkward and uncomfortable or not.

@Rukaya

*that's is how it may look on the outside but it's not an intentional thing. As many people have posted below making small talk is just not something I understand.... i feel extremely awkward and self conscious*

Of course it's intentional. You don't like small talk so you don't do it. Thats intentional. You do understand it, you just don't like it....but here's the thing....many of us feel awkward and self concious, but we do it anyway, because its the done thing. It's how you get on with people and make friends, or at least be vaguely friendly.

There's some bizarre assumption here that Other People are just natural at social interaction and find it easy, and you (the collective you for all of those saying it) are somehow different. You're not. You just won't make the effort whereas we do it, awkward and uncomfortable or not.

TBF some people obviously do find it harder than others, whether that's due to something like autism or MH or other reasons. For some people a big effort might be talking to one stranger at an event, for me it would be talking to 6 or 7 strangers.

But I agree with the point that small talk is BORING and not enjoyable - the point is to gently feel people out and see who you get on with. You can't just march up to someone and demand their innermost secrets or say "what do you think of Scottish independence?" because it's way too in your face! I'm sure many shy people on here would hate that a lot more.

@HelpfulBelle snap! I come across as v. extroverted/confident, but it's not 'how I get my energy' as the corporate psychometric gurus would say. I also have an unhealthy amount of anxiety and end up analysing things I say and beating myself up about how cringey I am. It's so TIRING.

I'm with AdultierAdult. Not all seemingly confident people actually are confident. I think maybe they are just braver?

Re small talk. The weather today has been beautiful, and on returning from a walk this afternoon I walked past an old lady. She just said to me "what a lovely day". So I replied "it is lovely, and I have just seen a lamb being born in a field" (because I had - it was magical).

She asked which field it was in and we both went on our way. That's the kind of small talk that lifts the spirits IMO.

Small talk is pretty tedious but it oils the social wheels - how else do you find out who is on the same wavelength? I used to be very bothered about looking intellegent and saying the right thing and as a result felt permenantly awkward and on edge. Now l just say what ever floats into my head and life is so much less fraught! Everyone is paranoid about how they come across to others and everyone finds other people exhausting after a while. Some people are making more of an effort to connect, and other people respond to that - it's like pushing an open door if the other person obviously wants to be friends with you, but if the door is shut tight and you have to make all the effort most people won't bother. It's not a big plot, it's just human nature.

We'd probably "click", but I wouldn't be sending you flowers on your birthday. I'm not that sort of person, or the sort that will be best friends from day one.

From MN, and real life, quite a few people who are really friendly and close from day one seem to drift in and out of friendships frequently, and attract drama. The ones I know can complain about each other to me, and then seem like best friends in public.

The question is, do you have good friends you can trust? Perhaps you would like some of that closeness.

I work with the public, so put on a smiley front and then don't want to talk to anyone after work. People think I'm shy but really I'm just a moody cow 😆 opposite you OP. You sound lovely btw

Opposite to you*

@Rukaya, different people experience small talk in different ways. Yes, it requires effort from all sides. However, for some people, the mental effort required outweighs the benefits it can bring. This is common for introverts, who 'give' more of their energy when socialising than they 'receive' from the interaction. Extroverts, on the whole, are energised by the same interactions that will drain an introvert. Yes, both sides need to put an the effort to make conversation, but the rewards vary greatly.

Most introverts know that small talk is required to get by socially/in work, and lots of us can do it well enough. But we'll always find it harder, more draining and less fun than or extroverted counterparts. Overall, we'll end up doing less of it because we need to conserve energy to do our work/get through the day and we'll therefore be talking less, on the whole, than extroverts who can chat for much longer without being drained and even feel MORE energised after a long chat (again, not saying they don't have to put effort into the conversation).

The end result of this is that extroverts tend to come across as friendlier. Especially to other extroverts, and even more especially to extroverts who do not recognised/understand/appreciate introversion. They will inevitably end up forming more friendships. While introverts are more likely to struggle in this regard because we're constantly trying to balance our limited energy.

That's a really good explanation @greatauntfanny

Is anyone else quite extroverted but hates small talk?! I'm a bit of an over-sharer (and ask loads of questions) because I'd prefer that to talking about the weather, celebrities or telly

worst of all in my view... people who tell everyone at work everything they did at the weekend, even in earshot of people they already told!

Maybe you could just get to know people more on to one, OP. Groups aren't for everyone.

How do you define small talk?
If it is someone you have never met before ot don't know very well it isn't usual to dive straight in to a deep philosophical discussion without exchanging a few pleasantires first. They are a good ice breaker.

A good example is when we have Teams meetings. The line manager will ask everyone how they are (we aren't a huge team so it doesn't take long) then we just talk about what has to be done that day. The meetings don't last long.

I’ve dealt with this my whole life. My parents are both extroverts so always had lots of friends and always seemed to chat to absolutely anyone they met whereas I’ve always been quiet and reserved and I struggle to talk to new people so I found growing up with two sociable parents difficult. Their friends would constantly ask me what was wrong, why I looked so miserable, called me posh spice or Garfield because I was so miserable etc so I dealt with people picking on my personality from a young age. As I’ve got older I’ve been told I’m arrogant, aloof, snobby and that I must think I’m better than everyone else just because I’m a bit shy and introverted.

I don’t know why shyness offends people so much but it just does. I haven’t found socialising any easier the older I’ve got either, I’ve just found I care a bit less about what people think.

This is me. I've.always had a group of friends and I don't think I want for friendship, but I've always struggled to integrate into groups at work or at university etc unless I'm literally thrown in. At university I loved with a great group who have become life long friends, but I spent my lectures alone and ate lunch alone. I never know how to chat to a new group. I think I over think everything - some pp have said why should the social people make all the effort but for me, I don't even know how to start. I get to hi, and then I'm just stuck. I could ask how their day is, but what if it's been bad? I could ask about their family, but what if that's a sensitive subject etc etc. I just over think every line of conversation and just clam up.
Im frequently told I look aloof, but I think I've perfected the "I'm perfectly happy eating alone" look to get over the shame of not having anyone who wants to eat with me.

Like I say I've got some great friends who I adore (and I think like me back!) But they do tend to go off for dinner parties and holidays in other groups and not with me! I never get picture birthday messages on SM, or tagged in photos etc. I don't really care, but it does make you wonder sometimes what you're doing differently.

@Spied

I definitely come across as aloof. I very rarely meet anyone on my wavelength to be honest and I just don't fit in with any of my colleagues. I am friendly and listen to the banter, smiling in the right places but quite honestly I just don't feel part of it. When I talk it's pretty obvious my colleagues aren't interested in the slightest what I've got to say and I'm often talked over too. It has been this way in most of my workplaces over the years. It has been said by one woman I got close too that I come across as thinking I'm better than other people. Maybe I do have a chip on my shoulder. I don't know. I'd like to find some pals who I feel I can connect with but as I get older I am resigning myself to the fact I'll never have that girly night-in /out experience or holidays with friends.

This is like reading a description of myself. I feel like a square peg in a round world!

I'm the same, OP. I have some great, close friends but am a bit quiet when I first meet people. I don't think people always take to me either when they first meet me. I've probably got resting bitch face.

I get what you mean. I've had a lot of intense friendships which have fizzled out over the years but I'm fairly sure that's my fault. I find people and keeping in regular contact with people too much hard work

I've been a snob, posh, arrogant, aloof, disinterested.....but then I'm also a magnet for people with huge issues.

I'm reserved, cautious, and an introvert. I'm especially cautious now because I try to avoid the emotional vampires, and because I've been bullied at work. I've also disowned my DH on FB because he over shares drivel about himself, or worse tags me into it. So I blocked him

I have a few long standing close friends, and I'm happy with that. I used to be popular, outgoing, a bit mad, and love a party. But life has just happened to make me want to be a hermit. I find many people quite superficial, and I have very good intuition which unfortunately means I rarely accept people at face value. I've lost the ability to make small talk somewhere along the way too.

Just be happy OP. Be yourself. Life is not a beauty pageant or a popularity contest, unless you make it such.

Years ago I was called aloof by new work colleagues. It became a bit of a standing joke over the years I worked there as people got to know me. I was also told people initially found me intimidating, but really I was just a bit shy and lacking in confidence. I'm much more confident now, but still struggle in group situations. I much prefer one to one friendships.

different people experience small talk in different ways. Yes, it requires effort from all sides. However, for some people, the mental effort required outweighs the benefits it can bring. This is common for introverts, who 'give' more of their energy when socialising than they 'receive' from the interaction. Extroverts, on the whole, are energised by the same interactions that will drain an introvert. Yes, both sides need to put an the effort to make conversation, but the rewards vary greatly

This is absolute nonsense...introvert/extrovert is a false dichotomy that seeks to put 8 billion people into just 2 groups. It's worse than astrology.
Ooh, I'm an introvert...it doesn't mean anything. It's not a character profile, it doesn't explain anything about you. It's beyond inane. And in my experience, only generally used by people as an excuse for poor behaviour.

@FireflyRainbow

I work with the public, so put on a smiley front and then don't want to talk to anyone after work. People think I'm shy but really I'm just a moody cow 😆 opposite you OP. You sound lovely btw

I work in Sales so have to be “on” at work constantly. When I’m not at work I can be a bit anti social, although if I have to be I am the life and soul of the party - I switch into work mode and it works DH thinks it’s hilarious how I can come off a lively Teams call and become almost a different person

@Rukaya, introversion/extroversion is a sliding scale rather than two distinct groups. It's one of many useful (and ever-evolving) ways to categorise certain behaviours/qualities to understand them better and how they affect peoples' experience of the world.

Extroversion is highly valued in western communities - you sound like you value it yourself, judging from your apparent interpretation of a dislike of smalltalk as 'poor behaviour'.

Unfortunately, views like this can be very harmful to introverted children (and adults). From the need to make children do constant social extra curricular activities to 'being them out of their shell' that end up exhausting them, to open plan offices to encourage 'synergy' (the latter finally being recognised as unsuitable for deep thought and for introverted people, who are distracted by all of the noise and conversation and become exhausted for it).

Ultimately, people need different environments to perform at their best. An introverted person will struggle to thrive in a huge open plan office where value is placed on who shouts the loudest and constant 'relstionship building'. They won't be able to bring their best selves/work to the table. They can learn to adapt but will always be at a disadvantage in such an environment. Lots of companies are now recognising this and building quiet spaces into offices, and accepting different people flourish under different circumstances.