Shy and introverted mistaken for standoffish and unfriendly, anyone else?

[Ninawest100]

I think I'm kind and polite, I smile and try to ask people questions about themselves.
However I wouldn't say I'm massively sociable and it probably comes off as unfriendly.
I work in a small team, I'm polite with everybody and ask some questions such as how was your weekend. However I try to keep a certain distance and I'm not 'friends' with them. I just feel like you have to be careful sometimes in work situations.
I was in a mixed gender team before and now and all-female one. I feel like I don't really 'fit' for some reason.
A former colleague of mine was texting my current colleague asking how it was going here. She mentioned the names of 'lovely' staff which was everyone bar me and our boss. It shouldn't matter what she thinks, just seems a bit harsh to mention everyone apart from me.

Outside of work, I've never felt that popular. I see people who are getting birthdays doorstep deliveries in lockdown from various friends, massive tributes on social media, but I know I would never get anything like that.

I like to meet people a few times in a group setting and get to know them a bit more, I think it takes time to really become friends with somebody. However I know people who have invited somebody they met the same day to have tea at their house or gone travelling with somebody they've known for a week, and just seemed to really click and hit it off.
People who go to hostels and make 20 lifelong friends there.
It shouldn't matter that I'm not like this, I don't know why I am bothered. I've never been described as friendly by anyone or sociable. I would like more friends and close connections, I'm just more reserved and not an open book right away. Does anybody else feel like this ?

[Herja]

In all honesty, I'm standoff-ish and unfriendly and I'm consistently mistaken for nervous and shy . I actively try to repel people and it doesn't work (initially). I think there is a tendancy to always end up with what you don't want, unless you are very socially adept.

[TheThermalStair]

I don’t think people who strike up friendships necessarily have “endless” energy etc. It’s just because you’re not friends with them you haven’t seen them in their downtime when they are at home not wanting to look at their phones, or not speaking to anyone for a day, or knackered out from expending emotional energy listening to and empathising with others. It’s not “cost free”, being friendly.

I agree with PP, the negativity stands out a mile. You’re clearly jealous of more social people but you also seem to look down on them. Which do you think is stronger?

[PointyMcguire]

I totally get you. I’m a massive introvert and generally a bit socially awkward to boot...two of my closest friends have both separately joked that they thought I was a stuck up cow when we first met as I have a home counties accent and they mistook my social anxiety for aloofness. I’ve had phases of being vaguely “popular” through one of my hobbies and found being so social and all the endless small talk pretty exhausting, so these days I’ve kinda made my peace with just having my little close-knit group of friends.

[Purpleweeks]

I try to be friendly and interesting and show an interest in others but I'm not good at it. I know in theory what I would do but when it comes to it, I can't get any words out and clam up. I can sit and have coffee with a particular group in work, meet up every so often outside of work, club together for birthdays etc. but I know I'm only part of the group because they are all too polite to actually cut me out. I was off work for nearly two years after having a baby very early and no one kept in touch through it all, so I know they don't consider me a friend and I know it's my fault but I do try but keep failing.

[Ninawest100]

Really don't look down on social people, that would be looking down on many people i know.
Just said I don't know how they do it as I struggle. Clearly don't think I'm better hence why I've created this thread trying to accept the fact that I am not like that.

[BronwenFrideswide]

I agree with PP, the negativity stands out a mile. You’re clearly jealous of more social people but you also seem to look down on them.

I agree too, there is a definite feel of sneering superiority coming from the OP and others posters on here towards people who are more sociable. If you view people as lesser than you with nothing of consequence to say that would remotely interest you is it any wonder people aren't interested in you?

[Levirandal]

I’m the same. I’m very shy and I often feel like I’m quite boring. It makes me very self conscious that I might be boring people. Ive been told I come across as aloof or cold.

[Ninawest100]

I think some people who are more sociable have taken this thread as a personal attack. Nobody is doing that. Clearly we feel bad because we aren't like that and are trying to accept the way we are.
I have met people who seem to have endless social energy. That's not an insult, that's a compliment, I'm amazed at how they can do it and make friends so easily.

[Ninawest100]

Maybe some are jealous of more sociable people, I think that's entirely normal. What we're talking about is being labelled negatively for not being extroverted.

[BronwenFrideswide]

Cross posted with you OP, but on here you are coming across as viewing people who are more sociable as being inferior to you, you refer more than once to them being gushed over, you keep a distance between you and your colleagues, you say you are only interested in conversations about things you are really into and knowledgeable about. I've learnt an awful lot by talking to people who know a lot about something I know nothing or very little about, that's how you expand your knowledge by listening, being interested and learning from other people and their experiences.

[Ninawest100]

That's how you've perceived it I suppose.
Saying gushed at isn't a bad thing.

I keep a certain distance because I don't like mixing work and social life, you can never be too careful with what you tell some colleagues, I've learned that from past experience.

I actually stated that I thrive much more in conversations where I'm knowledgeable. Didn't say I'm not interested, said I struggle.

But you keep pushing this idea that I'm saying I'm superior, and you aren't taking no for an answer.

[whyhell0there]

Don't worry OP, I've often felt like you describe and I know it has nothing to do with feeling superior. It can be quite the opposite. At least it has been in my experience.

[BurtonHouse]

I have a friend I've known for over 20 years, although we only see each other with our dhs and it's quite a superficial relationship really. She once asked me about 'my groups' (of friends) and I told her "You're it"
Ever since I was a child I've never had the knack of making friends and at work was considered standoffish.
But I have dh, my kids and grandkids who love me and whom I love, and that'll do nicely.

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

It's a pain being seen that introverted = negative. I have had all kinds of accusations that I'm a snob, frigid, boring, slutty, shy, being superior. Didn't help that I'm neurodiverse and non-binary and have always talked to men and women (boys and girls) in the same way. Didn't help that I had an RP accent at a very working class school so most people would find any excuse to laugh and was a highly academic nerdy type - in the 1990's when girls weren't allowed to be nerds.

I had to study what it was like being NT and it turns out that being quiet and reserved to NT people a lot of the time DOES make them think you are a snob, an ice queen and at the other extreme a depraved rapist (!) using it as a smoke screen.

Thing is, I don't know if OP of anyone else found this but I wasn't shy, just didn't want to talk to people I had nothing in common with or when they did show interest just as a means for gossip. When there was something I DID know about then I would be confident and speak up but that sometimes made things worse since I was then out of the 'shy girl' box.

Then at University I made friends but went through a people pleaser mode - I did get taken advantage of - most notably when I needed people, those I had supported the most deserted me - like I was a dead empath battery not a person. These people are out of my life and I have my own tribe in an out of work. It is better to be authentic rather than being something you are not to please all.

That is, I'm not jealous of extroverts but I do sometimes envy their ease of communication and people stamina - sometimes after intense meetings I have actually got sick immediately afterwards from the strain of peopling.

[BronwenFrideswide]

Apologies, I am not trying to upset you and I know that tone is very difficult to get from the written word on here but as an outsider who gets that vibe from you by what you are saying here it's not beyond the realms of possibility that that is also what people are picking up from you in personal interaction.

Gushing does sound a bit off to me it sounds like you think people are being insincere.

As I said earlier does your face, body language and tone of voice come across as you being interested in the answers people give to your questions or is it coming across as you only going through the motions?

I do agree that you should not give too much of yourself to colleagues but there is a difference in doing that and being open and interested in lightweight conversations and situations.

[CoRhona]

Op the number of times you've said you shouldn't care indicates you actually really do care.

[Moelwynbach]

I am very sociable but find that I like to stay aoet of on the edges of things. Im quite self confident in that I am happy and don't really give a fuss either way if people like me or don't. I don't like the type of friends that live in each others pocket and get quite fatigued when people whinge all the time. Im a OT so I know what real challenges look like. I like people who just get on with life. I can spor a CF a mile off and I give no hoots about saying no.

[Macncheeseballs]

What's an ot

[MrsMariaReynolds]

I can definitely relate. I'm often mistaken for aloof but really I'm just very shy and socially anxious. I can carry on a conversation if someone else initiates, but I'll never ever feel comfortable starting one myself. DS is being evaluated for ASD and through the process I've started to wonder if I'm also on the spectrum somewhere.

It can be difficult to find others who are sympathetic to our situation, as previous threads on social anxiety here on MN have brought out the flames. The general consensus is that it is too much work to maintain a friendship with someone socially anxious because the effort is all one-sided and exhausting to the more extrovert half. 🤷‍♀️

[CoRhona]

@Macncheeseballs occupational therapist

[ConkerBonkers]

I relate to all of this. I'm also better with one to one friendships and crumble in a group, where I can be quiet. I find it takes longer to open up and trust people - especially in a work environment. Sometimes I also wonder what it is I'm doing wrong! I also think that I'm possibly on the asd spectrum, my father almost certainly is, and I tick a fair few of the boxes. I can do a good job as coming across as relatable and chatty etc but do find it exhausting, and impossible to completely maintain. I also really struggle with inane chat by groups, sometimes wonder wtf are they on about, I have no idea how the f to progress or contribute to this discussion, and wtf is anyone here getting from this. At those times I feel like I've dropped down from a different planet...

There seem like so many of us! Is there any benefit to attempt to get a diagnosis, if we think we are asd, or do we accept that we are who we are and just get on with living our lives?

[poppydog3]

I'm the same. I'm introverted and quiet, I tried lots when my children were younger, I made an effort to go to baby classes, toddler classes and meet ups that I had seen advertised and everyone who would meet would make great friends and organise new meet ups excluding me. I suffer from social anxiety and on the occasions where this happened I thought I had done so well trying to just be normal but no. I'm kinda past caring now. I realised I am a lot happier when I just accepted it is just the way I am.

[RampantIvy]

I think there is a difference between introverted and quiet, and introverted, quiet and aloof. I have quiet friends who are introverts. I can sit in happy companionable silence with them, but I never get the feeling that they think that they are above small talk or think that I make too much inane chatter. One of them in particular has a really dry sense of humour and whenever he says anything it is something worth listening to.

I’m afraid that the quiet introverts on this thread who are disparaging about small talk do come across as aloof. And the quiet introverts who say that they wish that they could confidently make small talk and are envious of those who can don’t.

I totally “get” the apart feeling. I have had jobs where I felt this, but it was simply that I hadn’t met my “tribe”. I have never had a huge group of friends, but I feel comfortable with the friends I have now. I also think that as I am older I now care less about what people think of me, and that makes me more relaxed about talking to people. I also think that these people with huge groups of friends probably aren’t as close to them as you think they are.

[AdultierAdult]

OP, I'm 30 too and can relate. I don't collect and retain friends like some people do. I also have felt like I'm pretending to be human whilst everyone else is posing with #squadgoals all over social media.

I, for whatever reason, find it easier to get on with older women and starting book clubs and socialising with people a bit more senior at work has opened up my social circle. I've also found as time goes on I've found the confidence to 'put myself out there' a bit and get invited to more stuff at work and feel more part of the team. It has taken work though to loosen up and be able to casually interact without feeling like Mark from Peep Show in my head.

[greatauntfanny]

@Ninawest100

That's how you've perceived it I suppose.
Saying gushed at isn't a bad thing.

I keep a certain distance because I don't like mixing work and social life, you can never be too careful with what you tell some colleagues, I've learned that from past experience.

I actually stated that I thrive much more in conversations where I'm knowledgeable. Didn't say I'm not interested, said I struggle.

But you keep pushing this idea that I'm saying I'm superior, and you aren't taking no for an answer.

I don't think you come across as acting superior at all, OP :) I don't think you've said anything to indicate you have. All you've said is you know you shouldn't care about the way you're viewed, and you're trying not to, but someone's you do. That's completely natural. I expect the people making comments about your 'attitude' on here are the same sort who view you as cold/standoffish in real life! 'Ooh she thinks she's better than everyone else, you can tell'.

I'm the same as you, although as I've gotten older I've found I need to do a lot less 'trying' not to care! I keep small talk to a minimum because I find it intolerable unless I'm absolutely hammered.

In one workplace I didn't fit in at all (it was mutual), in the next I found myself on a great team with interesting people I chatted to all day because I genuinely liked them. The majority of the time I'm happy with this setup, but if my birthday gets missed or something, I do feel a stab of pain, particularly as I go out of my way to contribute to others, write thoughtful messages in cards and ensure nobody is missed.

I get completely what you mean by being 'gushed' over, and I find it interesting that people have taken offence. The whole "hii hun 💃🏾💋🙈😂 miss you soooo much 😘😘😘 can't wait to see youuuuu 🍷🍷🍷😳😂😂😂😂 xoxo ' kind of thing (ok not necessarily to that degree but that's the vibe!) does my absolute tits in.