Shy and introverted mistaken for standoffish and unfriendly, anyone else?

[Ninawest100]

I think I'm kind and polite, I smile and try to ask people questions about themselves.
However I wouldn't say I'm massively sociable and it probably comes off as unfriendly.
I work in a small team, I'm polite with everybody and ask some questions such as how was your weekend. However I try to keep a certain distance and I'm not 'friends' with them. I just feel like you have to be careful sometimes in work situations.
I was in a mixed gender team before and now and all-female one. I feel like I don't really 'fit' for some reason.
A former colleague of mine was texting my current colleague asking how it was going here. She mentioned the names of 'lovely' staff which was everyone bar me and our boss. It shouldn't matter what she thinks, just seems a bit harsh to mention everyone apart from me.

Outside of work, I've never felt that popular. I see people who are getting birthdays doorstep deliveries in lockdown from various friends, massive tributes on social media, but I know I would never get anything like that.

I like to meet people a few times in a group setting and get to know them a bit more, I think it takes time to really become friends with somebody. However I know people who have invited somebody they met the same day to have tea at their house or gone travelling with somebody they've known for a week, and just seemed to really click and hit it off.
People who go to hostels and make 20 lifelong friends there.
It shouldn't matter that I'm not like this, I don't know why I am bothered. I've never been described as friendly by anyone or sociable. I would like more friends and close connections, I'm just more reserved and not an open book right away. Does anybody else feel like this ?

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

Um what's the zombie mask in aid of? I have been completely overlooked like a dead person though - it's worse when it is with loud drunken people - I walk away and no one notices.

[CityMumma78]

YANBU - I’m often (unfairly) mistaken for being rude, snobby, aloof and unfriendly! This couldn’t be further from the truth, I’m just more reserved, private and introverted. In a work environment where there are a lot of extroverts the general atmosphere can be overwhelming for an introvert!

[lljkk]

ZOMBIE

I was horrified when I got loads of people wishing me happy birthday on Facebook, because Facebook told them it was my birthday. I couldn't change that fact to private, fast enough.

I'm way too introverted to handle being gushed at.

ZOMBIE

[ArtichokeAardvark]

My husband was warned off that I come across as 'stern and reserved' by friends trying to set us up - I always wonder why he agreed to go on a first date! I am pretty reserved around strangers and find 'small talk' difficult but it makes me sad to think this comes across as stern. I do make a conscious effort to be smiley and talk to people but I run out of conversation starters after a while. I don't watch much TV or follow sport which probably doesn't help! I'm definitely in the cohort of having a few really close friends rather than a big girl gang.

[CounsellorTroi]

I’m similar, I’ve never been one of those people who attracts big “girl gangs” or instantly makes friends with half the room. I do have a few friends and certainly lots of “acquaintances” but I’m always jealous of those women who seem to have a huge girl gang to hang out with or seem to collect friends (and keep them) wherever they go. I never get tagged in those stupid things you see on Facebook.

Yep this is me. And I have found over the years Tharp I have tried to put effort into building friendships but it is just not reciprocated.

[BigYellowHat]

Yup. I’m often told I have a ‘resting bitch face’ when I don’t feel I do. I find it hard to break into conversations so sometimes give up but I’m interested, genuinely. I was once told that ‘I thought you were really standoffish until I got to know you’ We then got to be quite good mates 😂

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

Also I have been told I'm intimidating when I DO speak. I do have an RP accent and a big volcabularly (hyperlexic at a young age) so I wonder if that's it?

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

Only as an adult (with some thanks to MNet) do I understand that my quiet, introverted non-ND self could arise such vitriol. That and the fact that one of the reasons I became quiet was that apparently everything I said was a joke - only the joke was me. So I didn't.

But no.
Simply being quiet can apparently make me an ice-queen or a stuck-up bitch or someone who is apparently planning everyone elses demise or having sex with all the boys (?). I suspect some of this is what other have said that some people are unnerved by people who don't reveal themselves much. If you are of a paranoid bent then you can inflate that 'person not showing much about themselves' = 'person plotting their doom'.

That's my take on it.

[toffee1000]

This is me. ASD and ADHD here. I’ve never had a huge group of friends, only one or two close ones. There were people I was friendly with at secondary school, but I never did anything with them outside of school. (To be honest I never did anything outside of school with my close friends!) Social anxiety plays a part, too.

This is rather morbid, but I always notice that when someone is murdered in the news, they are always described as “outgoing”, “social”, “the life and soul of the party”, “lighting up the room” kind of thing. I would never ever be described as that!

[occa]

I'm the same, I try to be friendly but get told I'm standoffish or intimidating. I don't do it on purpose but I rarely 'click' with people quickly.

[honeylulu]

OP, I am like you too.

I am an introvert (and I suspect neuro diverse - one of my children has ASD/ADHD and I have many of the traits). I would love to have lots of friends, and to be able to make friends easily but it has never been like that, even when I was a child. So as well as being quiet and shy I am socially a bit awkward/very slightly off wavelength which seems to put people off enormously. Then I get anxious about saying the right thing/what people think/is it my turn to speak and that makes me even more shy and awkward because my mind goes blank.

Unfortunately I also have a terrible resting bitch face. Some of my dearest friends have since told me they didn't like me when they met me because they thought I "looked like a right bitch" and gave "dirty looks".

I do have a small number of friends (really amazing wonderful people who don't mind my oddities) and I am so grateful for that but it has been hard work. The friends I have got I have acquired in two ways. Firstly by just pursuing the person and making clear I was hoping for friendship. Most of the time people back off but sometimes it paid off. The other way has been where an extrovert friend just decides to adopt me - no idea why - and it sticks.

I also find I have to make a lot of effort, particularly in the early months/years of a friendship to show that I want to keep it going, arrange meet ups, remember birthdays etc. I feel like I need to make the effort to compensate for my lack of outward charisma!

I see people join my workplace and make friends so easily and effortlessly and I just think "wow ... how do they do that?" I am green with envy haha.

[Mumof31981]

Just wanted to say that I am the same too op! Although i am getting more confident as I'm getting older, I still seem unable to make friends. I don't get the social media outpouring of love and do you know what? I couldn't give a flying monkeys left bollock about it! Having said that the occasional bit of social media love would be nice lol. Whilst I was out walking my dog the other day, a group of 4 women, around my age late 30s, were walking and chatting as they were coming towards me and for some reason that made me really sad just knowing that I haven't got the social group to do that with. I'm thinking of joining a walking or running group just for the social side and see where that takes me. Maybe something like that would be helpful for you?

[thereisonlyoneofme]

Im the same. Only child with no cousins, no children so spent a lot of time on my own. I have five close friends that I have known for 40 years that I met at work. We had something in common. I never had kids so find it hard to chat to people with children about their families. Ive never liked parties or anything that required big groups, not a joiner at all.
At my age now Ive learned to live with it but I have found it difficult over my life

[Grendalsmum]

Trouble is, making friends is a numbers game when you boil it down - some people you meet will become your friends, most stay as friendly aquaintances (sp?) and some you must have horribly wronged in a previous life as they will never warm to you whatever you do. People who enjoy social interactions will have more of them (interactions) than people who don't so they will end up making more friends, as they enjoy the process of meeting and finding out more about other people. If you find this all a bit of a faff then it's rather a disadvantage. How does the person who's talking to you know if you're shy and fumbling for words or if you just want them to bugger off because you don't want to talk to them? Maybe we need a badge or a special lanyard or something ...

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

I am pretty introverted. I can make small talk and enjoy it but I struggle if it’s with people who constantly want to contradict you or shut you down (like my boss). I like talking to people one on one, but group chats freeze me, I worry what I say will be seen as lacking and when I do try I always seem to get spoken over. I really hate this assumption that introverts are aloof and unfriendly, enough is known about the difference between introverts and extroverts and how we recover that it’s a lazy assumption to come to.

[QueenZoopla]

Your post really rang bells with me, OP . I had a big group of friends in my 20s but tbh that was fueled by drinking together/ working in a big office. When I had my first child they fell away, and I never made 'mum' friends - I'm now in my 50s and haven't had a group of friends since. I miss that now. I don't seem to have what it takes to get from initial chit chat to going for a coffee, never mind anything deeper than that. Tbf I don't meet many people in my current job, so that doesn't help, but I've done classes & courses & extended family events & all of it over the years, but despite having a genuine interest in others it is never reciprocated, and by now I've worked out that it must be me! I don't know how to change, and I do get lonely. I have a husband & grown up kids-if it wasn't for them I'd have nobody. Makes me sad.!

[Lancrelady80]

I already know that I won't develop friendships or networks by offering to help or make small talk.

This is it, isn't it? (Assuming that's based on experiences, not just a reason not to try.)

Many people make the effort, put in the time, go beyond their comfort zone and yet still never manage to move beyond acquaintances no matter what. Something somewhere is missing.

[Lancrelady80]

Agreed if people can't be bothered making small talk...but is it that they can't be bothered or don't know how? That does come down to the individual. Hard for people who don't know them well (and by definition, that's most!) to know, it just seems sad that it's perceived automatically as a choice not to engage rather than someone struggling to do so.

Not wanting to make an effort, choosing that, and then complaining is a bit rich.

[Grendalsmum]

CSIblonde That's sort of the point though, isn't it? Extroverts recharge themselves through social interaction in the same way that introverts recharge through spending time alone - they need people's attention in the same way introverts need quiet time to themselves. It's not better or worse, just different.
I agree with Rukaya - we can't have it both ways, if l can't be bothered with making idle chat with people then l can't complain that they think l'm being stand-offish, because l am! ( l actually do what CSI suggests, grit my teeth and waffle for England, because l want to be liked ... lt used to be like pulling teeth but it's second nature now )

[sixgreenbottles]

I am very quiet and introverted and I can relate to a lot of comments in the OP. I have rarely been in a group of friends, and rarely progress beyond small talk and getting to know people properly, visiting their homes etc. I get on better in a one-to-one situation though and sometimes I have developed friendships, but they've often fizzled out after a while.

Personally for me, I've moved towards becoming more aloof as I've got older. I already know that I won't develop friendships or networks by offering to help or make small talk, so I have given up bothering, and that's been better for me because it removes the anxiety over social interaction, and I'm not getting stuck doing tasks I don't like just to try to win popularity votes. I am still polite but people probably view me more negatively and that bothers me less now. I suppose I have learned (especially since lockdown) that what really matters to me are my own family (DH is my best friend) so I have no real need for others in my life. Also, I've become financially secure due to passive income, so I don't have to worry about social interactions having an effect on my work life.

[Ignorethecheeseinthefridge]

I recommend 'The Power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking' by Susan Cain.

[CSIblonde]

I used to get the same thing & got passed over for jobs for being "too quiet to handle difficult people". I conciously copied an extrovert friend & it made a huge difference at work. It also helped with social stuff outside work. You can still 'keep a distance' to use your phrase & play the social norms game. No one at work knows my private stuff but they consider me friendly & social & it oils the wheels big time. I can be my introvert self at home & it works for me. Extroverts are given to much kudos IMO. I find a lot of them quite needy of attention .

[Rukaya]

I find it quite sad that so many quieter people are being labelled as negative, aloof, not making an effort...the whole point op was making is that those who have more outgoing personalities often make these assumptions and they are hurtful. Yet it's happening on here where she's asking for help

Quieter people aren't. Lots of us are quiet. Aloof people are labelled aloof, negative people are labelled negative. You can't tell everyone that you don't want to make the effort and then complain that people say you don't make the effort.
You can't have it both ways. You don't like talking to people, fine. But then don't complain that they don't think you are friendly. They're telling the truth.

[Ghostlyglow]

I've been lonely and sad all my life. I would love to have friends.

[Lancrelady80]

I find it quite sad that so many quieter people are being labelled as negative, aloof, not making an effort...the whole point op was making is that those who have more outgoing personalities often make these assumptions and they are hurtful. Yet it's happening on here where she's asking for help.

I struggle with conversation I don't know much about becomes twisted into not being bothered/interested.

I find small talk tricky becomes too aloof/lazy to make the effort.

Commenting on people gushing (which I took to be "love you hun, alright babe" type stuff) is seen as being negative, not just being not quite on board with the way some social norms are shifting.

Sometimes people just genuinely don't know what to say, and struggle to think of how to make a contribution. Some pps have given examples of that from the perspective of autistic relatives - it can be a case of worrying about what next, or overthinking about how people will judge you/react. Doesn't make them rude, negative, judgemental, stand-offish, lazy or any of the rest of it.

So sad that this thread is full of people proving op's original point.

Pp who gave suggestions such as giving away a secret/insight into your private life - I think that's the kind of thing that's really helpful for quieter people to be told, because it's exactly the kind of thing that might not cross their minds. Not judging, just giving tips.