Shy and introverted mistaken for standoffish and unfriendly, anyone else?

[Ninawest100]

I think I'm kind and polite, I smile and try to ask people questions about themselves.
However I wouldn't say I'm massively sociable and it probably comes off as unfriendly.
I work in a small team, I'm polite with everybody and ask some questions such as how was your weekend. However I try to keep a certain distance and I'm not 'friends' with them. I just feel like you have to be careful sometimes in work situations.
I was in a mixed gender team before and now and all-female one. I feel like I don't really 'fit' for some reason.
A former colleague of mine was texting my current colleague asking how it was going here. She mentioned the names of 'lovely' staff which was everyone bar me and our boss. It shouldn't matter what she thinks, just seems a bit harsh to mention everyone apart from me.

Outside of work, I've never felt that popular. I see people who are getting birthdays doorstep deliveries in lockdown from various friends, massive tributes on social media, but I know I would never get anything like that.

I like to meet people a few times in a group setting and get to know them a bit more, I think it takes time to really become friends with somebody. However I know people who have invited somebody they met the same day to have tea at their house or gone travelling with somebody they've known for a week, and just seemed to really click and hit it off.
People who go to hostels and make 20 lifelong friends there.
It shouldn't matter that I'm not like this, I don't know why I am bothered. I've never been described as friendly by anyone or sociable. I would like more friends and close connections, I'm just more reserved and not an open book right away. Does anybody else feel like this ?

[AdaFuckingShelby]

I also have this tendency. Id rather sit alone than in a group where there is inane conversation. I find 'big personalities ' very wearing. People often think I'm aloof. I suppose I am really. I've grown to value it, less time and energy spent on people who drain the life out of you. When I was younger it bothered me, not any more. Just behave with integrity, you won't go far wrong.

[SplendidSuns1000]

If you'd like to meet people that you don't have any reason to meet again if you don't get along I'd recommend joining a hobby group or even joining Bumble. There's a great friend finding feature.

[BobBobBobbin]

Strongly relate!

As an example - I do the school run most of the time and think I am friendly and approachable and make small talk when the opportunity presents itself.

And then DH does it and comes back with loads of info “oh i was chatting to x’s mum and she told me this and that and y’s mum is doing this thing you’d be really interested in”

How does he get into these conversations? What does he do differently to me? I honestly don’t think I am anti-social and don’t intend to appear aloof and yet somehow I am.

[makesIlaugh]

My DH. He finds it quite annoying that just because you are introverted people take it as being 'off'. I'm an omnivert. Which is almost harder, I have a "bestie" at work and we could yak all day then I appear 'off ' with others. Difficult.

[CloudFormations]

I have never fitted into girl groups, or any group, really. I am quite opinionated and like to have a robust debate, not just a fluffy chat about who’s hot on tele

having a close group of female friends doesn’t mean you’re only into ‘fluffy chat’. Maybe negative and rude assumptions like that are part of the reason you find it hard to make friends...?

[Juliesipadwillcallyouback]

I am exactly the same OP! I am really quite friendly once I get to know people, but I'm so shy at first and I'm sure it comes across as standoffish.

It's made worse by the fact that two of my closest friends (one of whom I went travelling with) are the total opposite - really outgoing, chat to anyone, become great friends with people straight away, always hugging everyone, noooooo!!! I think I just come across as the moody friend a lot of the time!

[jellybellybanana]

OP: They're not my friends, I keep a distance, I don't need them as friends or many friends at all.
Also OP: Why don't people think I'm friendly, why don't I make friends easily, why don't I have friends who do friend type things for me?

You really need to make your mind up which it is. Either you are genuinely happy without workmates as friends or many close friends, or you aren't. Seems like you don't actually know.

[CagneyNYPD]

Can I join the aloof gang please??

I too have always been on the outskirts of groups. I have many acquaintances but I have a very small number of friends. I am polite and friendly. Always cheery on the school run etc.

But I am a very private person. I don't over share and I don't like attention from others. I often feel somewhat socially awkward. I enjoy my own company and am quite happy with the way things are. I've got to a stage in life where I have no time for other people's drama so I am happy to be a bit aloof.

I think that there are many of us out there.

[HelpfulBelle]

@CloudFormations please read my follow-up post.

[HelpfulBelle]

@CloudFormations

Also, I’m actually quite outgoing and friendly, but I tend not to operate very well in large groups. I have lots of friends, but no one ‘big group’ of friends, just one-to-one friendships scattered around the place. I find I tend to ‘kick against’ group dynamics. I would be the same in a group of men, and would not operate well shooting the breeze about sport or a stereotypically male domain. I am 100% convinced I am autistic.

[ElleDubloo]

I’m another in this group. I’d describe myself as an introvert. Sometimes I’m socially awkward if I’m in a vulnerable mood.

In my teens and 20’s I agonised over being left out of things and never making close friends like other people seem to easily do. I’m hardly ever invited to weddings or christenings, and have never been on holiday with friends. Now in my mid-30’s it does sometimes bother me, but much less than before. I’m happily married with kids and a busy job, so it helps to reassure myself that I don’t have a lot of time to socialise with people.

Truth is, my job is heavily people-facing, and by the end of the working day I just want to be by myself. The only (two) friends I have in the world are those who don’t mind initiating every meeting and texting me when I forget to text them

[TheThermalStair]

If you want to make friends with people you have to feel and show a genuine interest in them. Being polite isn’t enough! Start conversations, ask them real questions and volunteer information about yourself. That’s how a PP’s husband is picking up info and chats on the school run, guaranteed.

I have got quite a few friends who come into this category and they’re brilliant people who just maybe take longer to be comfortable etc, and that’s fine. What annoys me is people who make no effort, ever, don’t seem to care for others and just sit around like puddings waiting for the sociable ones to friend them up. Ask yourself - why should they? Am I showing that I’m interested, or at least positively inclined to you? It’s not all about holidays and hugs etc - it could be offering some advice or lending a book or asking for a recommendation.

I think there are a lot of “aloofies” who think it has to be one or the other. There is a happy middle ground where you can have gentle, not overwhelming friendships but you do have to make some effort too.

[Spied]

I definitely come across as aloof.
I very rarely meet anyone on my wavelength to be honest and I just don't fit in with any of my colleagues.
I am friendly and listen to the banter, smiling in the right places but quite honestly I just don't feel part of it.
When I talk it's pretty obvious my colleagues aren't interested in the slightest what I've got to say and I'm often talked over too.
It has been this way in most of my workplaces over the years.
It has been said by one woman I got close too that I come across as thinking I'm better than other people. Maybe I do have a chip on my shoulder. I don't know.
I'd like to find some pals who I feel I can connect with but as I get older I am resigning myself to the fact I'll never have that girly night-in /out experience or holidays with friends.

[NearlyTheHolidays2]

I'm the same. I'm 44 and only realised last summer that I have ASD. I soon realised that my (few) close friends are almost certainly neurodiverse too. My tribe of people 🙂

[jellybellybanana]

I very rarely meet anyone on my wavelength to be honest and I just don't fit in with any of my colleagues
I'd like to find some pals who I feel I can connect with but as I get older I am resigning myself to the fact I'll never have that girly night-in /out experience or holidays with friends

I think you might have missed the realisation that a lot of people have: that you don't have to have everything in common with people to be good friends. You can have very different ideas on things, be from different backgrounds, have varying opinions. Friendships can grow anyway despite and even because of differences.

I think some people treat friendship like falling in love, waiting for someone just like you, a whole package to come along for some instant connection. It doesn't really work like that.

[williowrosenburg]

Yep this is me!

As a teenager was told a few times "You looked like a bitch when I first Meet you buy you're actually quite nice"

Aloofness is a skill I've learnt from my mum as she is worse then me.

Slightly worried that DD (5) is going to be the same. All her school friends run around and play at the school gate but she just watches from the side lines.

I feel like I missed out on a lot all because I wasn't this bubbly, overly friendly person.

[floridamanatee]

I'm thankful for this thread because I am just the same. I am a private person and I am always on the periphery of friendship groups. I can't speak in a large group without being over powered and I just don't seem to have the social energy others have. I've accepted it now and it's actually something I like about myself, but I make an effort to smile and ask questions when I first meet people so they know I'm actually a friendly person underneath.

[jellybellybanana]

I feel like I missed out on a lot all because I wasn't this bubbly, overly friendly person

Why do you characterise people acting normally and being friendly in this negative way? Friendly isn't overly friendly. There's your answer, your own negativity gets in your way.

[GoodbyeCovid3]

It's been good to read this thread. I'm in a similar boat. I've often been adopted into groups by extroverts but found almost all of them to be extremely draining and quite a few have been toxic as well. I have one extroverted friend who is so lovely, and busy too so we just see each other every 1-2 months. My other few close friends are introverted and we can go weeks-months without talking. But we don't take offense, it's very understood that we just pick up where we left off. I have one I see every other week, she's also very introverted so conversation can dry up a little. I do genuinely care about my friends, just sometimes struggle with conversation.

In the past I've tried to observe and mimic extroverted, warm, popular people to see if I could 'become' like them. That doesn't work and comes across as being very weird because it isn't natural or authentic, I've learned. It does make me feel like there is something wrong with me as I'm not tactile and bubbly.

With the few friends I have, I can be chatty and funny. Me and my DH are both introverts but with each other we are talkative and laughing everyday. I've got a dark sense of humour that he gets very well 🤣

I may look like I'm not trying or just one of those people that is on the sidelines and isn't 'trying' to initiate conversations. Being socially lazy? But I'm actually wracking my brains to figure out when to jump into the convo without interrupting and trying to decide if what I have to say is relevant. By the time I've worked it out the convo has often moved on. Conversation just doesn't come naturally to some of us.

[Ninawest100]

Conversation is something i struggle with a lot, even with those close to me, unless it's a subject I'm really into and really knowledgeable about.
I get so tired and after an hour it becomes kinda like "Soo...". It's been great to see the responses on this thread.

[MiaMarshmallows]

My friend is like this. At one job someone said to her 'I get the impression you hate me. You never speak to me." She is the loveliest person and it really upset her as she did speak to this person but can't help that she comes across as shy and quiet.
I agree with another poster, in time you will not care what people think. Just be you. You're fine as you are.

[Ninawest100]

I've always wondered how those sorts of people do it, they seem to have endless conversation (even if some of it is mundane) endless energy and tons of charisma. People just flock to them, everybody wants to be friends with them and date them.
But I know there's nothing at all wrong with fading into the background either.
It's ok to be average, to not stand out, to not be gushed about.

[jellybellybanana]

It's ok to be average, to not stand out, to not be gushed about

Most people are average, they just make more effort. Gushed about? More negativity! You really need to stop that.

[Royalbloo]

Oh god I wish I was like you, I think I am on the inside but I seem to attract friends and social demands (which I don't really want or need)...so I suppose it could be worse lol

[Royalbloo]

Ninawest100 the is is me but I don't want or need it - people just seem to need to talk to me and then we end up friends because they want to be my friend. It's really weird!