Page 9 | To think boarding school is cruel?

MinnieMous3 · 2021-03-27T21:33:16+00:00

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it). I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them. There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

CJsGoldfish · 27/03/2021 23:49

In my limited personal experience, the people I know who went to boarding school loved it and have wonderful close relationships with their families.
It made me think that children that enjoy boarding schools have come from loving families where the parents have instilled confidence and a sense of adventure and the children know beyond doubt they are loved. With that kind of starting point, I see no issue with boarding school if that's something the child wants to do.
@Chickenriceandpeas your dd sounds awesome and with my pre conceived ideas of boarding school, you've instilled some awesome qualities in order for her to be thriving and happy.

Gnomewithaview · 27/03/2021 23:50

I’m sorry @Blimey786 I know how awful it is. You have to be resilient to survive

Original poster

MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 23:50

[quote buckingmad]@MinnieMous3 Because this is his career? I also have a career that I can do from home/any where in the country. He was actually deployed to help organise mass testing for covid in an area that was severely hit so thank goodness we do have the army eh? True I could raise 3 children essentially by myself whilst he stays at work but then the children still wouldn’t see their dad regularly?

Some people make sacrifices with their work so people like you can sit on your high horse safely and comfortably.

Also it’s a well known fact that private/boarding schools get far superior grades/teach soft skills that get children into good universities/careers. For us a good education is a priority. If it comes to it and our child is very homesick then we won’t force it.[/quote]
A career is not more important than family, to me. As for not seeing their dad regularly, well they still wouldn’t if they went to boarding school would they? Only they wouldn’t see you regularly as well. How is that better?

I don’t think army personnel are ‘heroes’, it’s great they’ve helped with covid (like many, many others) but generally I don’t find engaging in warfare to be admirable. But that’s another debate.

Private schools are losing their grip on the best universities - there’s even a thread about it on here. Contacts don’t get you as far as they used to, and universities are trying to diversify. Anyway I would rather be an emotionally stable average achiever than a mentally insecure high achiever.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 27/03/2021 23:50

My niece asked to go to boarding school, she wants to do a course that needs amazing grades and a few of her friends were going. She adores it! My sister asks her yearly does she want to leave and she can't believe she'd even ask.

mm40 · 27/03/2021 23:51

@Blimey786

I went to boarding school from the age of 6 and absolutely loved it. The first night and week were especially hard as I missed my mum and siblings (who also boarded) but I pulled through and looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thrived and learned to be independent, resourceful and organised.

I couldn’t agree more about being independent, resourceful and organised... these skills have helped enormously in my like and I left school in 1994 and I setup a company in 2001. Without those skills I would never had managed to get where we are today.

RevolvingPivot · 27/03/2021 23:51

@buckingmad you've not even had your child yet and you already know they will be boarding 😢

Sicilianna · 27/03/2021 23:51

Honestly I was prepared to give you opinion the benefit of doubt until your laughable suggestion to another poster of her husband getting a regular, job like a career is some kind of easy thing to cast away

So it's better to cast away a child?

I begged my son to consider the local 6th form, he was not interested and begged to stay on at his boarding school as he loves it there

That isn't a sign that boarding school is good, it's a sign that your child is emotionally detached from you now. I wouldn't be patting myself on the back for that one.

buckingmad · 27/03/2021 23:52

@Dustyboots because I am not arrogant enough to think I could educate my children better than the top boarding schools...

rosiejaune · 27/03/2021 23:52

I think it's worse the younger they are, and worse (for them and those in their lives in future) if they are boys.

So maybe an 11 year old girl who actively wanted to go would be OK. But a 7 year old boy is likely to turn turn into Boris et al.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/nov/07/boarding-schools-boris-johnson-bullies

Bellabelloo · 27/03/2021 23:52

My best friends are my friends from 30 years ago at boarding school. We all loved it. And I am so grateful to my parents for the opportunity. We are all happy and independent, have travelled, had interesting careers etc. If I were to generalise, like you are, those I have met who were kept at home and mollycoddled by they parents, suffer more from anxiety, are not equipped to face the big bad world and have less drive and ambition.

jessstan2 · 27/03/2021 23:53

RedSquirrel: There is a boarding school near where I live now and DDs friend went as a day pupil strangely the majority of pupils are from China.
......
There's one near me that is like that. It is a day and boarding school, used to be all girls (the local St Trinians), combined with another school, now co-ed. My friend's daughter boarded there while friend was working abroad, that's twenty five years or so ago, another friend had a girl there as a day pupil. My ex pilates teacher's daughter was a day pupil who said most of the boys were Chinese and too well behaved for her :-).

Runway · 27/03/2021 23:53

I went to boarding school from the age of 6 and absolutely loved it. The first night and week were especially hard as I missed my mum and siblings (who also boarded) but I pulled through and looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thrived and learned to be independent, resourceful and organised

Oh my gosh, I couldn’t imagine leaving my 6 year old at boarding school. Sometimes I just go and watch her for 5 mins when asleep as I love her so much. I very much believe that a loving parental relationship will lead her to be independent and resourceful, she doesn’t need to be deserted to achieve that

Fluffyghost · 27/03/2021 23:53

[quote Gnomewithaview]@Fluffyghost sadly your son is just used to it.....[/quote]
Projection much? I’m amazed you know my son better than he know himself and better than I do. I would have gave credit to you if you had said he didn’t want to move schools again as 9 schools in the first seven years of his schooling also messes you up no? if anything he is more accustomed to moving schools than the past 4 years boarding. . .

jeannie46 · 27/03/2021 23:55

1.Cousin's son went to boarding school age 8. Parents in Germany RAF so barely saw them once a term. hated it , thought he was being punished for something he'd done. Wrote lovely letters 'home' saying how happy he was - these were the only letters his house master would countenance. His dad had been to Boarding School too aged 7. Hated it. Lovely man but no concept of what being a parent entailed.

Another cousin , failed 11+ sent to Boarding School so wouldn't have to go to local Sec Mod, kept running away. Father had had a difficult upbringing no idea of what a loving family life looked like, didn't understand son thought he was being punished.
Uncle aged 9 sent to BSch 200 miles away when his Dad left Mum. So, lost both parents! Damaged child, subsequently couldn't form relationships , abandoned his children.
Cousin sent to B Sch aged 8 when father died. Has huge relationship problems.
University friend, boarded from 6. (as did her 3 sisters ). Lovely girl. completely lacking in self worth, abusive relationships. failed marriage.
Friend taught at "religious' B Sch. Said most kids were there for a reason - usually problems at home and had been sent away to get them out of difficult situations.
Friend sent to Convent B School aged 4! by mother who had been sent at 4 when her mother died. Only rescued when aunt intervened .
Uncle went to B School aged 6, very nice man, huge security issues, insisted his wife always be at home so he knew where she was?!

(There's a pattern here with parents who've suffered putting their children through the same thing. Some sort of denial, 'it didn't do me any harm', not knowing what normal family life is etc so opting for an easy life? or the only one they know?)

buckingmad · 27/03/2021 23:56

@RevolvingPivot we move because OH is military. He gets a new posting every few years. Sometimes down the road, sometimes overseas.

He serves Queen and country before himself and I am very proud. I sincerely hope we never find ourselves in the situation where we rely heavily on the armed forces to feel safe in our beds but if we did, how comforting to know whilst he’s out risking life and limb there are plebs like you judging his family choices 😂

And yes we have already planned our child’s education, junior ISA etc. Because we are responsible parents to be and want the very best for them. As I’ve said in another post, if it comes to it and child hates boarding then we would never force it.

Gnomewithaview · 27/03/2021 23:56

I’m sorry @Bellabelloothst you equate a happy loving home with being mollycoddled and having less ambition. Maybe it’s just pure love and maybe those ambitions are just more about happiness rather than material gain.

If I were to generalise, like you are, those I have met who were kept at home and mollycoddled by they parents, suffer more from anxiety, are not equipped to face the big bad world and have less drive and ambition

Sicilianna · 27/03/2021 23:56

@Gnomewithaview That's so sad. I'm really sorry. One of my children goes to a school that has boarders. One of his best friends is an overseas boarder and cried himself to sleep every night for the first 3 months. Now he says he loves it. I guess there's plenty to enjoy once you get over the abandonment. I don't think that makes it ok though.

Runway · 27/03/2021 23:57

He serves Queen and country before himself and I am very proud

I’d just think if you’re children are worth sacrificing for something that will never give back to you

RevolvingPivot · 27/03/2021 23:57

@buckingmad haha actually dh is a colour sergeant in the Royal Marines and will retire in 3 years.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/03/2021 23:58

I guess I just assumed that as a parent you want to spend as much time as possible with your child 🤷🏼‍♀️ Really not much more to it than that. I don’t think sports etc should take priority over a proper family life, childhood is simply too short & I want to savour every moment.

That's a really selfish approach to raising children. Some children are hugely motivated to pursue specialist interests that cannot be well catered for if they stay at home or will have fewer opportunities if the don't board or if their parents give up the jobs they have.

Keeping children home simply to satisfy your desire to be with them is not at all nice. Contending that parents who decide their own desires are not more important than their children's wants or needs for boarding school must be being cruel is pretty twisted.

Sicilianna · 27/03/2021 23:58

Oh my gosh, I couldn’t imagine leaving my 6 year old at boarding school. Sometimes I just go and watch her for 5 mins when asleep as I love her so much. I very much believe that a loving parental relationship will lead her to be independent and resourceful, she doesn’t need to be deserted to achieve that

@Runway Spot on.

Original poster

MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 23:59

[quote buckingmad]@Dustyboots because I am not arrogant enough to think I could educate my children better than the top boarding schools...[/quote]
Why is education more important than time with family? And some ‘top’ boarding schools are utter crap academically, they’re generally not as good as grammars.

OP posts:

Fluffyghost · 27/03/2021 23:59

@Sicilianna

Honestly I was prepared to give you opinion the benefit of doubt until your laughable suggestion to another poster of her husband getting a regular, job like a career is some kind of easy thing to cast away

So it's better to cast away a child?

I begged my son to consider the local 6th form, he was not interested and begged to stay on at his boarding school as he loves it there

That isn't a sign that boarding school is good, it's a sign that your child is emotionally detached from you now. I wouldn't be patting myself on the back for that one.

Casting away a child, okay that’s exactly what I did, without extensive discussion with my son I just threw him away into a school and forgot about him. Give over with your hyperbole. He is most definitely not detached when he is in school we FaceTime every night we speak more than my friend child that is at the local comp but I do love how how random strangers on the Internet are able to diagnose the relationship I share with my son. I truly wish I had the talent to judge a situation from nothing other than words on a screen it must be amazing to be so incredibly insightful.

Sicilianna · 28/03/2021 00:00

There are plenty of ways to help your child pursue a sport or interest even to a professional level without sending them away. Might be harder, but not impossible.

dottiedaisee · 28/03/2021 00:00

Every family’s situation is different and the dynamics. I have friends who’s children have absolutely thrived at boarding school and one friend who’s son absolutely hated it . You really cannot generalise!!