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Original poster

To think boarding school is cruel?

1000 replies

MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 21:33

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

OP posts:
Runway · 27/03/2021 23:31

@ineedaholidaynow you probably need to look into understanding the difference between outcomes from those families that are well off (boarding vs not) versus those who have socio-economic challenges...

Sicilianna · 27/03/2021 23:33

Yes I agree that boarding is cruel. And yes I include modern boarding in that. And yes I've seen boarding schools from the inside.

However nurturing the staff are and however much 'pastoral care' there is, adults who are paid to look after a child are in no way a healthy substitute for parents.

Many boarding school kids are very fucked up, sometimes in ways they don't even realise, or only realise later in life. Parents who boarded their kids (and some kids who were boarded) will also argue that it's right, kind, just as good as or even better than being at home because the alternative involves facing some really painful truths.

RevolvingPivot · 27/03/2021 23:33

@Missdread are your kids in boarding school?

Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 23:34

Again, you do not understand the nature of military life. Try buying or renting a house in the SE of England on a junior rank salary so you can stay in one place. Okay, buy a house in Scotland where it's cheaper when the service person spends 10 years of their career in the SE of England. Oh, just "leave" and do another job. Really? You have no idea of the sacrifices that have to be made

I don’t think it matters. If a job put me in such a position, I would leave it. I don’t believe anyone has wished they’d gone further at work on their deathbed. However apparently many people say they wish they’d spent less time at work and more time with their family.

OP posts:
Chickenriceandpeas · 27/03/2021 23:34

@GappyValley yes! Thank you!

@MinnieMous3 I actually don’t feel I need to see my children every single day. I genuinely don’t. Knowing she is happy, having the best time and loving her education & competing at her sport (which she excels at, hence the school) is enough for me as long as I know she will be home soon.

As many people have said, we are all different. I went off travelling on my own round the world at 18 & barely called home in 18 months. It’s just the way I am, & I suspect my daughter is the same. Doesn’t mean we aren’t happy, contented people - just different to you.

Hardbackwriter · 27/03/2021 23:34

I have a friend who when we were at university would talk about how glad he was that he went to boarding school and that he would absolutely be sending his children there too. He now has two little boys and says there is no way they're going to boarding school and that while he believed and repeated the 'it's best for the whole family' line he was given at the time he now really resents his parents for the decisions they made.

I was thinking recently that the vast majority of well-known historical figures were raised in ways that we now think cause attachment disorders, since most were elite and elites, by and large, didn't raise their own children.

Runway · 27/03/2021 23:35

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Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 23:35

Parents who boarded their kids (and some kids who were boarded) will also argue that it's right, kind, just as good as or even better than being at home because the alternative involves facing some really painful truths.

Sadly I think you’re right.

OP posts:
Redsquirrel5 · 27/03/2021 23:36

My aunt said it was the worst thing to ever do to a child. She didn’t have children herself but was a wonderful aunt to my sister and I. Her parents were abroad and she was sent from 6/7. She enjoyed it later at Edinburgh and made five life long friends.
Dad went too but didn’t seem to affect him as much and he spent some of Primary school in the home town local school. He went away at 14 to be a Cadet in the Merchant Navy and loved it. It was a lifetime career and he sailed all over the world as an Officer.
Mum wanted to send me at 14 because of where we were going to live and because she had always wanted to go. I didn’t want to go and when we were moving dad was on my side.
There is a boarding school near where I live now and DDs friend went as a day pupil strangely the majority of pupils are from China. It isn’t a well known or prestigious school so I don’t know how they attract so many they must have some contact.

I lived near a force base for ten years and lots of the children went at Secondary school level because of continual posting and it was said the education in some countries wasn’t as good as Scotland. The children seemed to accept it. Friends of ours were going to the Falklands just after the war and the boys were put into a school near their grandma so they could spend some holidays with her.
It works for some children and some families.

firedog · 27/03/2021 23:37

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Sparechange

Honestly? Nope I would not allow a child so young to have such a grueling training schedule and would discourage any hobby that demanded it.

There are several specialist schools which have 10-12 hours of lessons /coaching on top of school day. Same as elite sports or dance anywhere
Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 23:38

@Chickenriceandpeas

You’re right, I really don’t understand.

OP posts:
redandwhite1 · 27/03/2021 23:38

I always said people who sent their kids to a boarding school shouldn't have had them in the first place
That's super harsh but why have kids just to turn around and get rid of them most the year

RevolvingPivot · 27/03/2021 23:38

[quote Chickenriceandpeas]@GappyValley yes! Thank you!

@MinnieMous3 I actually don’t feel I need to see my children every single day. I genuinely don’t. Knowing she is happy, having the best time and loving her education & competing at her sport (which she excels at, hence the school) is enough for me as long as I know she will be home soon.

As many people have said, we are all different. I went off travelling on my own round the world at 18 & barely called home in 18 months. It’s just the way I am, & I suspect my daughter is the same. Doesn’t mean we aren’t happy, contented people - just different to you.[/quote]
How old is your child and how long have they been boarding?

sipsmith1 · 27/03/2021 23:38

I think the more burning question is why are you so creepily invested in what other people do with their children?

ineedaholidaynow · 27/03/2021 23:40

@MinnieMous3 if you had a child who had a special talent eg music and they wanted to go to a boarding school that specialised in this, would you say no

RevolvingPivot · 27/03/2021 23:40

How often do the kids come home? Every weekend or just for the holidays?'

Bellabelloo · 27/03/2021 23:41

I LOVED boarding school and am so grateful to my parents for giving me the opportunity. I never felt abandoned for 1 second.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 27/03/2021 23:42

I know plenty of people out here who boarded-at Zavier in Melb,Geelong Grammar &Fahan in Hobart..then sent their kids to same school-family tradition..the only mid20's i know today who hated it has autism(&multiple diagnosis)he wouldnt struggled in any formal setting tho with a late diagnosis was especially hard.You're basing your assumptions on what exactly? My teen DD recently win a scholarship to a local school which boards&at the time also had a choice of another place down in Sydney-it was her choice-I wouldve made anything work but im so glad she wanted to stay at home..thats just my preference as we are really close(&with her brother too)but happily muzzled myself whist she decided so I didnt influence her too muchGrinShes reported the kids boarding have parents in Asia&remote Oz for the most part and say its awesome..pretty good reasons i reckon.

buckingmad · 27/03/2021 23:44

@MinnieMous3 Because this is his career? I also have a career that I can do from home/any where in the country. He was actually deployed to help organise mass testing for covid in an area that was severely hit so thank goodness we do have the army eh? True I could raise 3 children essentially by myself whilst he stays at work but then the children still wouldn’t see their dad regularly?

Some people make sacrifices with their work so people like you can sit on your high horse safely and comfortably.

Also it’s a well known fact that private/boarding schools get far superior grades/teach soft skills that get children into good universities/careers. For us a good education is a priority. If it comes to it and our child is very homesick then we won’t force it.

Blimey786 · 27/03/2021 23:44

I went to boarding school from the age of 6 and absolutely loved it. The first night and week were especially hard as I missed my mum and siblings (who also boarded) but I pulled through and looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thrived and learned to be independent, resourceful and organised.

Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 23:44

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@MinnieMous3 if you had a child who had a special talent eg music and they wanted to go to a boarding school that specialised in this, would you say no[/quote]
Yes, I would say no. I would try to support their talent with as much tutoring etc as I could afford. But no musical instrument or sport is worth missing out on that time together. You don’t get it back.

OP posts:
Fluffyghost · 27/03/2021 23:45

Wow why start a thread on this if you have zero intention of attempting to see this from the other side? My son boards he boards because my husband job means we lived in a foreign country for a considerable portion of his senior education so the choice was my then 12 yr old board in the U.K. get a U.K education and have his flights paid for to return home every holiday, me and my two kids rent at considerable expense not see my husband/their father twice a year for three years or my son miss out on his education as we would return after GCSE but before him completing his education overseas. Honestly I was prepared to give you opinion the benefit of doubt until your laughable suggestion to another poster of her husband getting a regular, job like a career is some kind of easy thing to cast away and start anew. Boarding works for some and not for others it’s as simple as that. We have since settled and I begged my son to consider the local 6th form, he was not interested and begged to stay on at his boarding school as he loves it there and the opportunities afforded to him such as skiing every year and sailing in summer. I refuse to be told that this was an act of cruelty and that by doing this I regard my son as some unloved throw away commodity.

Gnomewithaview · 27/03/2021 23:46

Deep breath as I’ve never said this out loud before....

I kind of enjoyed boarding school. Well I told my parents (and still do) I did and had lots of friends.....but really I used to lay awake at night wondering why they didn’t demand me home as they couldn’t bear to be apart from me, like I read and saw in films, parents not being able to bear being apart. Especially my mum, not being able to bear it. My parents seemed fine...I kind of wish they weren’t

I don’t have kids yet but if I do, I wouldn’t do that to them.

LilaButterfly · 27/03/2021 23:46

I went to boarding school age 14 to 17. It was the best time of my life!
I was a difficult teenager and i do think part of the reason i got sent there was to give my parents a break. But back then they just suggested it and it felt like i had the last say. They made it sound awesome and i bought it and honestly they were right. It was a great time.
I had a hard time at home with my parents (because i was terrible to them) and this time apart made our relationship so much better.
It was definitely good for our family and i was way too busy enjoying my time there to feel abandoned or anything like that.

Gnomewithaview · 27/03/2021 23:48

@Fluffyghost sadly your son is just used to it.....

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