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To think boarding school is cruel?

1000 replies

MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 21:33

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

OP posts:
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 28/03/2021 00:01

I had reason to visit a boarding school once where the little ones were all lined up after bath time having their hair combed by matron and being passed their teddies out of their lockers. It broke my heart. That said, what I saw of the older children, they were enjoying an extension of what I had enjoyed at school, so I didn't feel that was cruel.
I would only have ever sent mine boarding if it was a better option for them eg if DH and I were both in the forces and couldn't offer any stability..
I think it is cruel when there are SAH parents who just don't want to look after their children, and yes that is judgemental but even if we had to won the lottery I'd still have had my children home with me.

Gnomewithaview · 28/03/2021 00:01

@Fluffyghost that’s what you’re conditioned to tell your parents. I don’t mean you’re forced to, I mean that’s the whole narrative.....

DeffoJeffo · 28/03/2021 00:02

I went to boarding school from Yr 10 after being bullied in my local comp. I think I was particularly luckily in the school my parents and I chose but after a term I was a new person. I went from being totally insecure with a low mood and a bad relationship with my parents to being happy, confident, and much more settled at home. I made friends for life and was so so happy.
So happy in fact that I've returned as a housemistress. The girls we live with are generally super happy, learning so many social skills, and stay practically every weekend to join in with social activities. Day pupils often change to boarding too. If my children were keen to board and I could afford it, I'd do it in a heartbeat! (Would be fussy about the school though, not going to lie!)

MinnieMous3 · 28/03/2021 00:02

@Sicilianna

Oh my gosh, I couldn’t imagine leaving my 6 year old at boarding school. Sometimes I just go and watch her for 5 mins when asleep as I love her so much. I very much believe that a loving parental relationship will lead her to be independent and resourceful, she doesn’t need to be deserted to achieve that

@Runway Spot on.

Me too. My daughter can go on sleepovers, summer camps, stay with relatives, school trips, whatever as she grows up. But her home, the place where she will spend most of her time, will be with me.

If she really wanted to go to boarding school, I would let her at 16, as a precursor to leaving home - but not a day earlier.

OP posts:
Bellabelloo · 28/03/2021 00:03

@BoomBoomsCousin Spot on!

LindaEllen · 28/03/2021 00:04

I can see how it could be good for kids of forces to stop them having to move around, but other than that, no. You may say your kids love boarding but they could have just as much of a wholesome education and still have present parents in their lives too.

Why have children if you just want to send them away? You'll ALWAYS have missed out on that time; there's no going back. Savour every moment!

Gnomewithaview · 28/03/2021 00:05

@Fluffyghost

He is most definitely not detached when he is in school we FaceTime every night I truly am sorry if you think this is quality time with your child. This thread is breaking my heart

GoLightlyontheEarth · 28/03/2021 00:06

My mother went at 8. Her brother at 6! It has really damaged her. She hated it and rarely saw her family. OH went too and though he enjoyed Prep school, was badly bullied in Senior school. It’s damaged him for life too. One of his friends who was also there has issues from feeling abandoned by his mother. I think modern boarding schools are completely different and can offer a very rich experience. I would rather have been at one than grow up at home I think . Which is ironic. My mother didn’t know how to be a mother because hers had never been around. Personally I can’t see the point of having children just to send them to live in a school for their formative years.

Sicilianna · 28/03/2021 00:08

He is most definitely not detached when he is in school we FaceTime every night we speak more than my friend child that is at the local comp

FaceTime isn't parenting. You can fake a daily FaceTime very easily. Your friend with a child at the local comp sees his face even when he's not switched on for the phonecall. They smell the smoke on his jacket. They hear him moving around in the night and know he's not sleeping. They hear every sigh when he's studying. Hear him laughing on the phone to a friend. See from the jauntiness of his walk what kind of day he's had. Know he's stressed from how much he's ruffled his hair. I've seen it from the inside, and boarding school parents really don't know what their kids go through during term time. They just can't.

buckingmad · 28/03/2021 00:08

@MinnieMous3 if I had concerns for my child’s mental well-being I would take action. But I’m not going to not try it for fear of what might happen. You are against boarding so you latch on to bad stories. There are lots of good experiences of it too. I actually personally don’t know anyone that went and hated it. They all have brilliant family relationships and great social skills. I hope to raise my children so that they are not so insecure that they will see going to boarding school as being sent away. We will encourage the subject from a young age and monitor carefully how they feel about it.

And no of course a career isn’t more important. But it does put food on the table. It’s also a career he thrives in. He’s been through considerable amounts of training to get where he is, he’s not going to just throw that away for a job he doesn’t want? Just like he doesn’t expect me to stop working when we have our child after a degree and 5 years post degree studying for two professional qualifications.

You are entitled to your own opinion and i am entitled to mine. What works for some children/families won’t work for others.

Houseofvelour · 28/03/2021 00:09

I only know one person who went to boarding school and he says it was the best time of his life.
It definitely isn't for everyone though and there is a recognised mental illness called boarding school syndrome which I'm sure speaks for itself.
I personally wouldn't send my children.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 28/03/2021 00:09

@sipsmith1

I think the more burning question is why are you so creepily invested in what other people do with their children?
That's what I was wondering too. You didn't go to boarding school and you don't intend to send you children to one, so why do you have such a strong opinion on them to the point where you can't even seem to listen to anyone else with a different opinion?

I went to boarding school and I really enjoyed it. I do not have any abandonment issues, I have a great relationship with my parents and also made some amazing lifelong friends.

Also, a bit fucking rude from those posters that are suggesting that I am fucked up but don't realise it and am unable to form and meaningful relationships.

MinnieMous3 · 28/03/2021 00:09

[quote buckingmad]@RevolvingPivot we move because OH is military. He gets a new posting every few years. Sometimes down the road, sometimes overseas.

He serves Queen and country before himself and I am very proud. I sincerely hope we never find ourselves in the situation where we rely heavily on the armed forces to feel safe in our beds but if we did, how comforting to know whilst he’s out risking life and limb there are plebs like you judging his family choices 😂

And yes we have already planned our child’s education, junior ISA etc. Because we are responsible parents to be and want the very best for them. As I’ve said in another post, if it comes to it and child hates boarding then we would never force it.[/quote]
I would recommend watching Once Upon a Time In Iraq on BBC iPlayer. The military aren’t gallant heroes all the time - what they did to the Middle East was shocking. They killed many, many innocent civilians, including children.

But, I digress. I’m not saying everything the military does is bad, but don’t romanticise it.

OP posts:
JeffreyJefferson · 28/03/2021 00:10

i think comprehensive age kids can decide for themselves really. personally i don’t agree with any younger than that (if it’s even a thing ? ) but can’t get het up over it. not my decision to make about someone else’s kids

JeffreyJefferson · 28/03/2021 00:11

oops clearly there is boarding school for primary age kids. Sad

MinnieMous3 · 28/03/2021 00:12

I think the more burning question is why are you so creepily invested in what other people do with their children?

I wondered how long it would be before the old ‘You seem very invested OP’ would come out Grin

Posters always use that to try to shut down an uncomfortable topic.

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 28/03/2021 00:14

I agree with you Sipsmith1.

OP - what is your interest in this subject?

imamearcat · 28/03/2021 00:14

My kids are at a private day school but I can't imagine ever considering boarding. They are younger now, but I can't imagine not seeing their faces every day and having a cuddle.

I don't like to judge but I find it very difficult to understand.

BiBabbles · 28/03/2021 00:14

Different children react differently, in the short term and the long term to the different ways of handling these things and many people's parenting years involve both the things they planned & wanted and the things they don't. I don't think we can assume the result or that the parent's wants are always the top priority.

Really, if the ideal is to "spend as much time as possible with your child" and "savour every moment", then surely the ideal would be to home educate -- but, even as a home educator myself who has done it from the start and into the teen years, I'm more than open to admit that it's common knowledge how that can go right and that can go wrong even within the same family. I think we've seen over the lockdowns that sometimes, it's harder to savour someone with you 24/7 - especially teenagers (my DS1 choosing to go to college has I think improved our relationship, we were getting strained there).

In many cases men (or women!) don’t choose to work late, but must do so to pay the mortgage and keep food on the table etc.

That’s very different to choosing to see your child every few weeks, and instead let them be raised by teachers and staff, when there are other options.

So, if a parent lives in the same home as the child, it's okay if work means they don't see them for weeks if it's what pays the bills and the parent doesn't have a choice?

Of all my parents' choices I've worked to process over the years, whether or not they chose to work hasn't really been one I've spent too much time on. That was always a given. I was aware when my parents tried the 'mother stays in one place while father travels' ideal that he had to work. I was aware when they tried moving around to keep everyone together that he had to work. I was aware when living with my grandparents that my father was working. I was aware when I was a teenager being left for yes sometimes over 3 weeks on my own in my father's house with no other adults that he was having to work to maintain us and my mother's house.

My siblings and I all reacted differently to those situations, we're still all think of it very differently now. My father is still processing it differently to any of us.

And, as someone who immigrated at 17, as much as young me might have thought I was emotionally detached from my parents, I really don't think that was the case. I think I just had this ideal in my head and followed it - as many teenagers like to do. For some of us, it works out well.

True stability is about emotional stability which comes from attachment to carers/parent figures - not friends.

People liked to say that type of thing to my brother - that he'd make new friends and family and us all being together was so important, but I could see after each move that he was a bit more withdrawn, a bit more struggling to cope with connecting to new places and people. After the 5th time, I thought I'd lost him even though he lived over the hall - that was shortly before he was arrested and expelled not only from his school, but barred from every school in the county. But hey, at least he shared an address with his parents all year 'round.

malificent7 · 28/03/2021 00:17

I was a day student at a private school...i think private school in general is not all it's cracked up to be ( don't get me started!).

Fluffyghost · 28/03/2021 00:17

[quote Gnomewithaview]@Fluffyghost

He is most definitely not detached when he is in school we FaceTime every night I truly am sorry if you think this is quality time with your child. This thread is breaking my heart[/quote]
Well your heart can break you are projecting. I didn’t realise that my 17 yr old still needed to be attached to me. Me and my son speak nightly which is a hell of a lot more than I spoke to my mother at 17. He is one yr away from going to uni, should he be in my lap every night then too? Would I have sent my son to boarding school had we not have been overseas, no, but we were and he needed an education in order to survive into adulthood. Has boarding afforded that? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell yes! I have seen my son flourish he is a confident, eloquent, intelligent young man who is a pleasure to be around. He started boarding in yr 9 and chose to stay on for sixth form. His choice I wanted him home and to be honest I could do without the expense but he wanted to stay on so we have made it work. Funnily enough I know my son despite being told by a few on here that I don’t, if he didn’t want to go he would not have insisted he wanted to return for A Levels, he is definitely not backwards in coming forward. So don’t pity me or my son we are doing just fine.

MinnieMous3 · 28/03/2021 00:18

@LesLavandes

I agree with you Sipsmith1.

OP - what is your interest in this subject?

What’s your interest in any topic that doesn’t directly personally affect you? I think it’s called human interest?
OP posts:
buckingmad · 28/03/2021 00:19

@MinnieMous3 I haven’t romanticised the entire military. I’ve actually only really spoken about my OH’s part in it and how that has played into our decision to send our children to boarding school from 11+. I just think it’s unreasonable for you to judge every parents decision to send their children to boarding school because you personally don’t like it.

I was certainly mollycoddled by my mum and was desperate to board with my friends.

Gnomewithaview · 28/03/2021 00:22

@Fluffyghost

No it’s not normal to be FaceTimeing a 17 year old every night that’s correct. 17 year olds should be living at home and also living their own lives instead of being a cooped up in school 24/7

You sent him away and now he’s moved on, I’m sorry

MinnieMous3 · 28/03/2021 00:22

[quote buckingmad]@MinnieMous3 I haven’t romanticised the entire military. I’ve actually only really spoken about my OH’s part in it and how that has played into our decision to send our children to boarding school from 11+. I just think it’s unreasonable for you to judge every parents decision to send their children to boarding school because you personally don’t like it.

I was certainly mollycoddled by my mum and was desperate to board with my friends.[/quote]
Yes you did, with your ‘queen and country’ stuff 🙄

It’s not about me personally - I simply don’t think there is ever a good enough reason to send your child to be raised by school staff. I acknowledge it is better than an abusive home life, but in an ideal world they wouldn’t have to experience either.

OP posts:
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