To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

OP you are talking about something you, quite clearly, know nothing about. In order to stay together and have the "proper family life" you keep bleating on about, a military family has to move every 2-3 years on average. Sure, you could stay in one location as the spouse and only see the serving parent at weekends but that is not ideal either..throw in a 2-3 hour commute each side of the weekend and you see the issue.

@PurBal

Yabu. Boarding school is not inherently cruel. I didn't go to one and don't plan send my children to one (we can't afford to) but went to a school that had boarding. I always wanted to be a boarder tbh. I also know a number choristers whose entire career exists because of boarding school.

Then you can't comment on this with any credibility or authority

@GappyValley

I guess I just assumed that as a parent you want to spend as much time as possible with your child 🤷🏼‍♀️ Really not much more to it than that. I don’t think sports etc should take priority over a proper family life, childhood is simply too short & I want to savour every moment

That is the most passive aggressive comment I’ve read!

Do you say the same thing to divorced parents? Seeing a child every other weekend is a much lower % of time than boarding.

Parents who send their kids to day schools with a long commute. Are they not ‘savouring’ their children enough?

It’s fine to say it wouldn’t work for you. I very much doubt my DC will board either, but why be so belligerent towards everyone explaining how and why it works for them?
You’re not automatically a better parent because you can’t bare to be apart from your DC

The other circumstances described on this thread (abusive homes, separated parents, parents working long hours) aren’t generally scenarios parents actively want to impose on their kids.

I’m not trying to be passive aggressive, for me its one of those issues where no circumstances can justify it if there is another option.

@GappyValley I won’t derail the thread after this as not relevant to originally discussion but you have no idea what me or my child’s dad do as a job! None of those jobs mean you can’t also parent properly in this day and age.

Also, you may have missed the point....but that’s what i’m saying, if you do a (privileged, educated for) job that means you rarely see your children then do another fucking job. Money isn’t everything.

@Dustyboots

But is it fair to inflict a school change every few years and take them away from their friends because we’d miss them if they weren’t with us? I’d see that as actually being very selfish on our part as parents. Better that the child has stability even if that is away from home.

You could home educate your children ...

True stability is about emotional stability which comes from attachment to carers/parent figures - not friends.

Or you could put your children over your husband and live in one home instead of following him about every 2:3years.

It’s interesting OP how you think boarding school is cruel for nice well behaved kids but not for those exhibiting challenging behaviour . My kids don’t board but I know many who’ve chosen to go at 11 or 13 and personally I longed for it as a child. Such blanket judgments of things outside your experience (save for reading a few threads on mumsnet) seems a bit pointless really.

Name changed as I suspect friends will be on this thread!

It depends on the child, the school and the parents.

I boarded along with my siblings. Disastrous for all of us. But boarding then is completely different to boarding now. There was no pastoral care, no mental health awareness.

People have asked why would your child want to board? If you understand most boarding schools, the days are longer and the terms are shorter (I assume to minimise time away from parents). So my DC are dropped at 8am and picked up at approx 6.15pm , sit in the car, are fed, and go to bed. And do the reverse in the morning. Their friends in school are using that time to have a mid week bbq/ go bowling (pre covid), have a movie night, have a quiz, raid the library, play their instrument, or just have a massive game in the gardens etc. This is why my DC want to board (not an option). It’s nothing to do with not wanting to be with their parents, they get good quality time with us. But during the week they want to be doing what their peers are, not sat in a car or playing alone whilst food it cooked, and rushed to bed so they can be ready for school starting early. The school is brilliant. The teachers are brilliant. Communication between parents, staff and children is brilliant. The children are thriving. I completely get why they want to go and I’m gutted we can’t let them.

@Missdread

OP you are talking about something you, quite clearly, know nothing about. In order to stay together and have the "proper family life" you keep bleating on about, a military family has to move every 2-3 years on average. Sure, you could stay in one location as the spouse and only see the serving parent at weekends but that is not ideal either..throw in a 2-3 hour commute each side of the weekend and you see the issue.

I do. My dad, best friend and partner went to boarding school. I looked around boarding schools when deciding my own secondary school. My sister did flexi boarding (only a few nights a term though), and I have spoken to lots of other people who boarded.

I would say it’s much better to live with one parent and see the other every few weeks, than see neither of them for weeks at a time. DP would prefer for me to be with our daughter than send her away so I could follow him about.

I genuinely can't imagine being willing to not see and hug my kids every day. Even if we don't always spend 'quality time' together we interact every day and I am involved in their life, their extra-curricular activities etc. I do wonder if people who are perfectly happy for their child to live so separately from them really have as close a relationship with their child.

Do you want to hazard a guess at how many shift workers, doctors, nurses, police staff, pilots, salespeople, etc etc don’t get to hug their kids every night though?

It’s pretty normal for lots of people to have a career that means they don’t get to see their kids every day.
I’ve had work trips which have taken me away from home for 2 or 3 nights. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a close relationship, it means I have a job that requires me to be away from home from time to time!

Although I’m sure OP would prefer we all gave up our jobs for 9-4 term time only roles

I would say it’s much better to live with one parent and see the other every few weeks, than see neither of them for weeks at a time. DP would prefer for me to be with our daughter than send her away so I could follow him about.

This is what my husband said

@Missdread

is what I meant, rather than the cookie! 🤣

I thought the choc chip cookie must be something I’d never come across 😂

@abricotine

It’s interesting OP how you think boarding school is cruel for nice well behaved kids but not for those exhibiting challenging behaviour . My kids don’t board but I know many who’ve chosen to go at 11 or 13 and personally I longed for it as a child. Such blanket judgments of things outside your experience (save for reading a few threads on mumsnet) seems a bit pointless really.

I meant in the context where the child can no longer be managed and is a danger to themself or others. I didn’t say it would be better for them emotionally.

Not this again! Honestly this topic has been done to death on here! Some people like it and have a great experience, others hate it and it messes them up, just like all school experiences.

I didn’t go to one and my children don’t either but I’d always rather go to a good boarding school than a crap state non-boarding school.

Use your imagination as to how it works for some people.

YABU

Boardingsurvivor

But that's been your choice to put them in a school where you are only collecting at 6.15.

And lots of 14 year olds won't go to bed until 10pm. If having dinner at 7.30 say, there's a lot of value (imho) in having that meal together as a family and in spending time together in the evenings.

I went to boarding school and loved it, didn't regret a moment. I still felt loved and valued by my parents.

It’s pretty normal for lots of people to have a career that means they don’t get to see their kids every day. I’ve had work trips which have taken me away from home for 2 or 3 nights. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a close relationship, it means I have a job that requires me to be away from home from time to time

Do you genuinely not see a difference between Occasionally being away for 2 nights and sending a child to boarding school 😂

How many people who go to state school (non-boarding) have dysfunctional lives, on drugs, can't form proper relationships. Plenty if threads on MN are to be believed, how many women on here complain how rubbish their DH is on understanding their relationship. Did all these people go to boarding school, I bet most didn't. Very easy to say boarding school was the problem if you went to boarding school, but someone could have similar issues and didn't go to boarding school.

I’m pregnant with my first and we plan on 1-2 more and we already know our children will go to boarding school. OH is an officer in the army and we move every 2-3 years

You may change your mind when you have had your child

@Sparechange

I genuinely can't imagine being willing to not see and hug my kids every day. Even if we don't always spend 'quality time' together we interact every day and I am involved in their life, their extra-curricular activities etc. I do wonder if people who are perfectly happy for their child to live so separately from them really have as close a relationship with their child.

Do you want to hazard a guess at how many shift workers, doctors, nurses, police staff, pilots, salespeople, etc etc don’t get to hug their kids every night though?

It’s pretty normal for lots of people to have a career that means they don’t get to see their kids every day.
I’ve had work trips which have taken me away from home for 2 or 3 nights. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a close relationship, it means I have a job that requires me to be away from home from time to time!

Although I’m sure OP would prefer we all gave up our jobs for 9-4 term time only roles

But the kid is in their own home and bed surrounded by family. Even if a parent worked a 12 hour shift they would see them at some point. How can you compare?!!

@Runway

That is the most passive aggressive comment I’ve read! Do you say the same thing to divorced parents? Seeing a child every other weekend is a much lower % of time than boarding

Again. Committed parents -yes, even when divorced! - don’t only see their children every other weekend. I am divorced and we spend 50/50. So 3.5 days a week averaged out. A bit different to coming home every 3 weeks eh?

You seem a bit....dense

I’m dense because I don’t know the custody arrangements of an anonymous stranger on the internet..?

Ok then...

"I would say it’s much better to live with one parent and see the other every few weeks, than see neither of them for weeks at a time. DP would prefer for me to be with our daughter than send her away so I could follow him about."

Again, you do not understand the nature of military life. Try buying or renting a house in the SE of England on a junior rank salary so you can stay in one place. Okay, buy a house in Scotland where it's cheaper when the service person spends 10 years of their career in the SE of England. Oh, just "leave" and do another job. Really? You have no idea of the sacrifices that have to be made.

YABU my DH absolutely loved it.

Pre-COVID how many hours do the average teenager spend with their families, how much more of their spare time is spent with their friends (or how much time would they wish they could spend with their friends rather than their parents!)

I and my 2 brothers went to boarding school from 11-18 and we all loved it. It was completely different to the school where we would have gone to otherwise. We had activities like golf, rifle shooting, weekend treks, orienteering, archery, cricket nets, debating teams, chess teams, rowing across the whole of the UK, fencing, cadet forces and stuff that I never remember until we’re back in a group.

It isn’t for everyone, a few guys didn’t enjoy it at all but we loved it.