To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

Truth is always much more complicated and nuanced - as always.

I went to boarding school since....age of 3 (not in UK) as it was specialist nursery. Collected by family every Fri for weekend. People with my condition simply didn't go to mainstream schools/nurseries in old days. Even in UK.

I've been only left with happy memories and lifelong relationship with my classmates as we grew up together with since age of 3. We are in late thirties now and are still in touch.

Looking back with open adult eyes, the system at the time clearly was very open to abuse and it's sobering, but we benefitted more from pros than cons at the time.

My own kids - I can't imagine! They were such babies at 3! Teenager years? Maybe but only if it's a right school for a right child. As of now, we are simply not in a situation of having to think about needing one.

This was on my mind a lot last night. I was thinking back to all those times I got hurt or fell ill at school and my mum raced to collect me. The relief I felt when she arrived and took me home. I can’t imagine strangers fulfilling that role. I can’t imagine being vulnerable and scared with someone who isn’t my mum and who loved and cared for me like that. It would have really damaged me personally

Sparechange, I think that is such a good point about how we express love.

I am a mix of the last two I think. I lost both my parents unexpectedly when I was young and found making my way in life without them incredibly difficult and sad.

I want to be there for my children, the whole time, as long as they want me and I hope that I will help looking after grand children one day. However, I also want to raise them in a way that they can find their way if something would happen (excellent education, making friends easily, able to cook food, do laundry, etc, etc).

More than everything I want them to be secure and happy and know that they are loved. I have found that the more secure my children are, the more adventurous they feel. They know that I will be there in a shot if they need me, any time of day, and that makes them more confident if that makes sense.

My oldest still emails me almost every day (outside of phone time, which is naughty but I am not telling 😁) with news on tests, trials, projects etc. In the first year, she was in a complete panic as she had hidden sweets in her dorm and they had a surprise inspection. We chatted over mail for 5 min and she calmed down.

Then children have different personalities. My middle child is much more sensitive and takes things more personally. Boarding will only be if and when he is ready. For me, that will only be once (if ever) he is extremely confident and really wants to go. Until then, I will be at every school pick-up, take him to sports and friends, make him snacks and dinner, help him with homework if he needs help, tuck him in at night and just generally always be around and available.

1 million percent agree with this. God knows why anyone would have children to see them a fraction of their most important years. Actually breaks my heart. I’m a fairly new mum and could not imagine not seeing my child through the week. Mind blowing.

Also my father in law (who I dislike very much) went to boarding school and he has so many issues mentally and emotionally.

@GappyValley

But I could equally accuse you of lazy parenting for not encouraging active sporty kids - do you FINALLY accept there are different styles of parenting, and one is not inherently better or cruel or wrong?

I dont count sending your DC away to be raise by people not related to them and who dont love them as parenting. In a TINY number of cases Dc are better off at Boarding school than at home but usually it is more convenient for the parents than the children

@Hoppinggreen

Which is great but it’s just one opinion.

Other opinions could be that it’s terrible parenting to not apply yourself to a decent career in order to earn enough to give your kids a decent quality of life with nice holidays and fun activities, and an amazing private education.
It’s not my opinion, btw, but it’s no more or less valid than yours

People have different priorities, parents see different ways of giving their kids ‘the best’

Surely you’re not so blinkered as to not be able to see that?

If you go to boarding school you form strong attachments so if your hurt you are no less relieved when your closest adult is called to be with you. It must be similar to small children who go to nursery and get hurt there. They find comfort in adults who are emotionally connected to them even though there is not the same love as with a parent. It must be hard to imagine if you’ve not had the experience but I can attest it’s not cruel for all children from my own experience.

Also, the holidays are often much much longer so there’s a long time to spend with your family.

I have a friend irl who is absolutely against boarding school on principal although she wasn’t a boarder. Having thought about this, she does have some relationship issues such as forming strong attachments very quickly and having a lots of one night stands. I don’t think this is at all related to her attending school as a day pupil but it may explain why she’s so against boarding. Funnily enough she was also against me (temporarily) giving up my career to look after my children before they were school age. I’m now wondering if these things are all connected psychologically for her.

I agree that boarding school is ‘lazy’ parenting, but only in so far as all paid childcare is.

The child gets something from all good quality paid childcare that they can’t get from their parents.

@newstart1234

I agree that boarding school is ‘lazy’ parenting, but only in so far as all paid childcare is.

These answers are getting more and more extreme!! Unbelievable!

new boarding school is lazy parenting, and most parents that use boarding schools would accept this, they are outsource the pain of having teenagers under the guise of 'better' opportunities, when we all know that isn't really true. You can get great sporting and musical opportunities anywhere these days.

It is just easier not to have to do the heavy lifting yourself, and every term you can demand results from school, and better behaviour etc.

It comes with a cost, but most can live with it.

Oh sorry @newstart1234 I think I may have misunderstood your post having now read your preceding ones

Is letting your children go homeless and hungry because you don't have a job (and therefore don't need paid childcare) also lazy parenting?

What does a child get from childcare that they can't get from parents?! Assuming parents able to give. I'm aware in some circumstances it's better for the child to be in cc.

@MinnieMous3 do you have a teenager ? Mostly they live in their rooms @Chickenriceandpeas DD sounds absolutely fine, happy. Loads of us have unhappy schooling and if you're my age (40) or older you may have even had a SAHM that took no notice of you what so ever. And many teenage children now will be home alone until parents finish work.

The cost in reality can vary massively depending on what happens to the child in boarding school. Some parents no doubt will be held accountable further down the line, for sure, some of the dc will need therapy and will feel deeply angry and rejected. But for most parents that send the kids away for school they can deal with it, because it the extra time/lack of hassle/career opportunities were worth it. These are not deeply loving, engaged parents or they would never find it within themselves to actually go through with it.

Sending your kids to a school you barely know sometimes hundreds of miles away, with people caring for them 247 that you don't know at all, and hoping they will be okay are not the actions of loving parents. It is Russian roulette in terms of risk/outcome.

@GappyValley

But I could equally accuse you of lazy parenting for not encouraging active sporty kids - do you FINALLY accept there are different styles of parenting, and one is not inherently better or cruel or wrong?

Speaking for myself, yes I do, and I know there are shades of grey in this.

However there are lots on this thread who have been through it "fine", loved it or whatever, and found out years later how much it's damaged them. Can't you "FINALLY" see that we draw to attention this late showing damage in the hope it might prevent it happening to someone else? No one's suggesting that everyone who ever smoked got lung cancer, but would you expect someone who did to sit quietly by while their grandkids took up smoking?

I did a quick Google for what proportion of boarders send their own children to board. Couldn't find an answer but the difference in perspectives is summarised quite neatly with this study and Nick Duffell's juxtaposed response: "Having read Andrew Martin et al‘s paper, I admire the thoroughness of their research on current adolescent boarders. But Boarding School Syndrome is an adult problem, with its genesis in ruptured childhood attachments exacerbated by high expectations from the social privilege conferred by elite boarding institutions. Boarding School Syndrome does not show itself for maybe 10, 20 or 30 years, when the Strategic Survival Personality begins to falter. Who would not expect – as Martin et al found – that the wonderful resources of such places regularly translate into academic success? The blandness of interview results in comparing children living at home do not surprise me either: for 30 years ex-boarders have told me how they had to put on their ‘happy faces’ – understandable, since all boarding children have to survive it.

How to fund such a longitudinal study on a syndrome that might take 20 years to appear? I doubt any boarding schools association would be interested."

I work in a prep school that has boarders.

Most of them are flexi boarders (1-2 nights a week) and I think that is fine - they just view it as a regular sleepover with their friends and have a lot of fun. They're also obviously all local so if they don't like it they can go home.

Of those that are weekly or full boarders, very few are from 'normal', stable, loving, local families. Most of the children are 'fine' but I agree that it's a second best experience for them. I don't think it's as bad as 'surviving not thriving' for the majority - they are happy and get a lot out of boarding - but it's not a family life and they would get more out of being in an ideal home. But the majority of them don't have that ideal home as an option so it's a good thing that boarding is there for them.

We have 11-13 year old weekly boarders from perfectly happy, stable families. Normally ones who have been at the school as day children for years and ask if they can board for their last or two. But the rest, especially the under 11s (who are very small in number) are: military families, parents whose work places them abroad, international students, parent/s who are physically or mentally very unwell, families where a parent or sibling has died, families in crisis or break up of some sort, children placed in the school by a charity, children who have a severely disabled sibling or children with parents who just don't seem to want their lives to centre around their children.

I think the demographic is very different in Senior schools. Most of our Year 8 day children are going to boarding school for Year 9 and I think that's a very different argument. They are going because they've picked a particular school for the environment, education or particular activity if offers, have decided it's something they think they will enjoy and are old enough to thrive away from home (obviously not permanently - senior schools are on holiday for not far 50% of the year if the child is a weekly boarder.) For the added opportunities they offer and the commuting issue many would have to a day school of similar quality, I don't think it makes a parent remotely cruel or uncaring to use boarding school. We have some children who start as day pupils at a famous public school not that far from us. Most become boarders after a term or so because they find they aren't getting home till 10pm and it's not sustainable or much of a family life anyway. Most of these children are from very happy, loving families that give them a great start in life. I don't think they are to be pitied at all.

So, I think YABU for 13+ year olds, YANBU for under 11s and 11-13 year olds it is very child and family dependent.

By not sending my dc to nursery I think they’ve missed out on lots of different thing, from forming emotional connections to trusted adults, social development skills, a lot of crafts (no glitter in this house!) and other things. It’s worth it to me, but that’s because of specific things in my family circumstances and priorities and it’s not about anyone else’s choices.

A day pupil at my school who lived 5 minute walk away would hang around the boarding house after school to avoid going home to an empty house. She had to leave at 5.45 when we would be starting our evening activities such as swimming, sports, choir, drama, pottery, cooking, music or doing homework for the next day. I think she’d probably have a good idea on what she missed out on. Her parents were working and they didn’t ‘choose’ to leave her obviously lonely. It difficult choices for everyone.

@NeedaLittleNap

Hear hear.

I've tried to share my experience of boarding school syndrome down thread.

I stopped posting on here as someone nasty came on to basically say that anyone who has issues later on in life tries to pin a label on it.

But yes, what you said is correct. To an outsider I would have looked like the happiest boarder out there. Extrovert, confident etc. Went through my twenties, and most of my thirties just fine.

It was my child hitting 11yo (the age that I went to bs) which made me realise that I was quite damaged- and that some of my relationship issues can be attributed to my schooling. Not dissimilar to the tendencies detailed by others on here.

I think the focus should be less on the child now (evidently if they're not happy at bs, then please let them come home)- but the potential long term damage.

But I see this thread has become a bit of a bun fight.

I'm just asking that parents really consider the longer term potential damage that can/may manifest itself a lot later in life.

[quote GappyValley]@Hoppinggreen

Which is great but it’s just one opinion.

Other opinions could be that it’s terrible parenting to not apply yourself to a decent career in order to earn enough to give your kids a decent quality of life with nice holidays and fun activities, and an amazing private education.
It’s not my opinion, btw, but it’s no more or less valid than yours

People have different priorities, parents see different ways of giving their kids ‘the best’

Surely you’re not so blinkered as to not be able to see that?[/quote]
I am not blinkered at all
Giving your children a nice life involves having them live with you (unless there are really good reasons why this is impossible, not difficult, impossible)
I was a day pupil at Boarding school and have family who board now/used to board and I really do think it’s cruel to send your DC to one

@Itsalonghaul

new boarding school is lazy parenting, and most parents that use boarding schools would accept this, they are outsource the pain of having teenagers under the guise of 'better' opportunities, when we all know that isn't really true. You can get great sporting and musical opportunities anywhere these days.

It is just easier not to have to do the heavy lifting yourself, and every term you can demand results from school, and better behaviour etc.

It comes with a cost, but most can live with it.

There were quite a few dc at my school who’s parents were just throwing money at their issues, they lived close enough to be day pupils

I think the focus should be less on the child now (evidently if they're not happy at bs, then please let them come home)- but the potential long term damage.

I think this is the issue - you really can’t tell how it will affect them later on. Teenagers are kings of thinking they know what they want, but really they’re usually copying others or making decisions for short term gain.

I’ll concede boarding can cause psychological damage. As can a multitude of other things. I’m just sure that it doesn’t always so therefore it’s not cruel on principle. It totally depends on circumstances.

I’ve seen (state school) children walking to school drinking cans of energy drinks. I’m pretty sure that’s damaging psychologically, physically and educationally but I wouldn’t go as far as to say that state education is cruel.