To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

a) having a nanny even though one parent is home (this happens a lot, mums are always very glamorous).
b) putting children in lots of full day camps in the holidays unless you have to for childcare reasons. I think children need to relax. However, I am a firm believer in 2-3 hours of sport per day grin.
c) not eat all meals you can with your children (that is when you model table manners and talk about your day!)
d) letting children watch TV, IPads, play computer games etc unless very limited time in the weekend. (Unless you have to for work)

But boarding is basically all of these things?

@MinnieMous3

a) having a nanny even though one parent is home (this happens a lot, mums are always very glamorous). b) putting children in lots of full day camps in the holidays unless you have to for childcare reasons. I think children need to relax. However, I am a firm believer in 2-3 hours of sport per day grin. c) not eat all meals you can with your children (that is when you model table manners and talk about your day!) d) letting children watch TV, IPads, play computer games etc unless very limited time in the weekend. (Unless you have to for work)

But boarding is basically all of these things?

True!

Funny when you look at it that way

I haven't read all of this thread. I'm from a family where amongst myself and cousins some are state educated, some private day and some private boarding. I was private day.

With the boarders, most loved it and would call it the best experience ever, one hated it and found it very damaging.

An uncle who's in his 70s now was sexually abused at boarding school, and would never ever send his children to boarding school.

In short I wouldn't leave someone else in charge of my children night and day for weeks at a time, but I can see that some children thrive boarding.

Horses for courses and all that. Anecdotally, the cousin that earns the most was state educated.

Currently the children move around with them, and I actually commented the other day how bad it is for them - not having permanent friends or a proper hometown.

What is a 'proper hometown'? Why do you need one? I wouldn't ever choose to live where I grew up, and my female friends are ones from my adult life, not when I was a kid.

Moving the kids is a moot point. I did my infant and junior schooling in 4 different schools. I didn't want to board, so went to the local comp, but my Dad blamed me for the implosion of my parents marriage as Mum had to stay in our house to look after me. The fact that Dad was away at sea for quite a lot of that seemed to have escaped his notice.

Forces kids attract extra funding for state schools, and schools do have the ability to admit a Forces kid, when they would say the numbers are too high otherwise.

Is it better for the kids to move with their parents; or perhaps watch their parents relationship founder? Having been on the inside of a crumbling Forces marriage wasn't easy; so I chose to have a base and dh weekended, but he was RN, which is very different to how the Army or RAF operate. However, 4 years of weekending on the trot was enough for me, and then when dh was abroad for three years, which then got extended, I took ds out of prep (we paid the fees ourselves), resigned from my job teaching in the state sector,let the house, and moved abroad. Ds went to an International School, which was probably not the best fit for him, but he wanted to be with us, as opposed to boarding. He went to board at 16 at a state sixth form and loved it.

I wouldn't, if I were you OP, comment on the choices military families make, especially to members of your own family, unless you are in that position yourself, which you are not.

But we took them to stately homes, springs to mind.

What hasn’t really been discussed is balancing the needs of multiple children with limited resources and time. Granted - some will say only have the kids that you can cope with, but accidents happen and also it’s not always clear what your child’s needs and wants are. If you have 3 kids with hobbies/sports they excel in or maybe a SEN that requires specific help or maybe you have to balance the contact time a toddler has with father vs 11/13-year old.

It is right to be careful about sending kids to boarding school (and more cautious the younger the child), but it might be worth assessing as one of the options - though only IF the child is keen (and with a plan B if it does turn out to be a problem).

@LadyLotten

This is so incredibly ignorant and hugely offensive to all armed forces families. We care immensely for our children and boarding is a fantastic opportunity for them.

You say you know what you would do if in a certain position. You’ve never been in that position so you do not know. It’s as simple as that.

Have you been to boarding school yourself? If not, then you cannot have an opinion based on fact either. Boarding school is Not an opportunity for children, it is an opportunity for parents. Don't you dare use the 'forces children etc' line! I am a forces child and a boarding school survivor, yes, survivor

I'm a Forces child who boarded, and it saved my sanity as my family life was toxic. Go figure.

Forces child, went to 5 different schools before going to boarding school aged 10. I loved it - I think the routine, extra sport, friendships and stability were all good for me.

However, I look at my DC who are older now than I was when I went and wonder how my parents could have done it. Yes, different times and all that but I get emotional leaving them with GPs for a weekend.

I totally understand that boarding school is a negative experience for many and that they feel negatively affected by their parents' choices.

But day school is also a negative experience for many and they still feel negatively affected by their parents' choices.

I just read about boarding school syndrome. I fit almost every single diagnostic criteria. But I went to a below average comprehensive school and had never set foot in an independent school, let alone a boarding school, until my job interview at the one I now work in. I'd say many, many people who haven't been to boarding school could be diagnosed with that list of problems. And of course many who have been to boarding school won't fit them at all.

One thing I am pretty certain of is that the families of the children I teach are hugely invested in their children's happiness and well being. Obsessively so in many cases. They pay a lot of money for the education they have chosen and they expect individualised care and attention for that - both of them and of their children (fair enough, to be honest).

One of the things I found hardest to get used to when I first started working in the independent sector was this notion of choice and the 'right school for my child'. I grew up in a town with 2 secondary schools, both pretty similar to each other. If you lived on one side of town you went to one school, if you lived on the other side, you went to the other. That was that. Nobody went anywhere else. But at this prep school of around 45 children per year group, we send children on to about 25 different schools. And each senior school choice is made after several meetings with the head, discussions with tutors and other staff, tours of senior schools, scouring of websites and prospectuses and years of deliberation. Consideration is given to every aspect of the child's personality and skill set. I have no illusion that every parent makes the 'right' choice for their child. But these parents care. A lot.

(That's absolutely not to say that parents without this kind of money don't care!! Just that it's unfair to say that those who choose boarding school don't love their children enough).

I was sent to a private day school and most of my school friends were boarders ....they had the best time and I had to go home and miss the fun !! They definitely didn’t feel abandoned by their parents..best of both worlds!

People who "loved every minute", please could you explain how? Were you never homesick, anxious, ill, bored, cold or hungry, did you never crave privacy, your own space, adult company, freedom from rules; did you never fall out with friends and feel angry or upset, or get told off by a teacher and feel humiliated or indignant? I just do not understand how it's possible to love every minute of a period of seven years or more.

I was at boarding school. I liked some of it, tolerated some of it and hated other parts with a passion (although some things I hated, like hockey in January, weren't specific to boarding). I think I have deeply ingrained attachment issues and have never formed a truly successful romantic relationship, much to my huge frustration and disappointment.

Hello

And yes to both questions

Yes to both questions!

Boarding schools are far less cruel than packing toddlers off to nursery for most of their waking hours. My brother and I would never have coped with being put on a schedule in a room with several other little ones with strangers caring for us. Nor would we have coped with full day school at four. Children can’t really benefit from play with other children until three. Paid care for little ones can rarely be as good as care from a good enough mother or other relative.
Why spend great sums on childcare for someone else to shape your child when you could do a better job yourself?

@IDSNeighbour

I totally understand that boarding school is a negative experience for many and that they feel negatively affected by their parents' choices.

But day school is also a negative experience for many and they still feel negatively affected by their parents' choices.

I just read about boarding school syndrome. I fit almost every single diagnostic criteria. But I went to a below average comprehensive school and had never set foot in an independent school, let alone a boarding school, until my job interview at the one I now work in. I'd say many, many people who haven't been to boarding school could be diagnosed with that list of problems. And of course many who have been to boarding school won't fit them at all.

One thing I am pretty certain of is that the families of the children I teach are hugely invested in their children's happiness and well being. Obsessively so in many cases. They pay a lot of money for the education they have chosen and they expect individualised care and attention for that - both of them and of their children (fair enough, to be honest).

One of the things I found hardest to get used to when I first started working in the independent sector was this notion of choice and the 'right school for my child'. I grew up in a town with 2 secondary schools, both pretty similar to each other. If you lived on one side of town you went to one school, if you lived on the other side, you went to the other. That was that. Nobody went anywhere else. But at this prep school of around 45 children per year group, we send children on to about 25 different schools. And each senior school choice is made after several meetings with the head, discussions with tutors and other staff, tours of senior schools, scouring of websites and prospectuses and years of deliberation. Consideration is given to every aspect of the child's personality and skill set. I have no illusion that every parent makes the 'right' choice for their child. But these parents care. A lot.

(That's absolutely not to say that parents without this kind of money don't care!! Just that it's unfair to say that those who choose boarding school don't love their children enough).

All this is very true. Having seen this first hand too.

There will be people who loved going away to school but there will be others who hated it, think of the bullying they'd be no escape for those children.
So it's kinda marmite. I wouldn't send my kids away, boarding school is OK if the parents work overseas most of the time, so it gives children stability, other than that no excuse for sahp who just send their children away for sake of it.

That's absolutely not to say that parents without this kind of money don't care!! Just that it's unfair to say that those who choose boarding school don't love their children enough

I don't think it's that they don't love them enough. Just that very clearly they don't have the same connection to them as parents who spend every day with their children.

Also I'm not sure a strong desire for your children to be rich and successful is necessarily a sign of love. As you said, they're often obsessive about it. Because it's about status to them.

Lemonmeringue- I had a great time but I wouldn’t say I enjoyed every minute - just as I didn’t enjoy every minute of my day primary school. I went through periods of mild bullying in each place. I didn’t really get homesick as there was a lot of exciting stuff to do, and maybe my personality is not built that way. My home needed a car to get most places, poor public transport and I have several siblings, so I think I got to spend more time with people than otherwise.

Home had a lot of people, school had a lot of people. I have found it helpful to be able to work with noise going on (especially at uni). I dunno what day school during puberty was like - but it was fine not to have a boyfriend and hardly anyone dressed up or wore make up - so there wasn’t really pressure on that front. I did get to uni finding boys a bit of a mystery - as I didn’t know what they talked about or were interested in. I’m close to my siblings and parents and have been lucky not to have relationship issues.

I’m sorry, you’ve had problems because of boarding school. Was there a particular part that was a problem?

‘People who "loved every minute", please could you explain how? Were you never homesick, anxious, ill, bored, cold or hungry, did you never crave privacy, your own space, adult company, freedom from rules; did you never fall out with friends and feel angry or upset, or get told off by a teacher and feel humiliated or indignant?‘

Homesick - no. I went to my school prior to boarding and my older sibling were with me. I had close friends also and the boarding staff were well known to my parents before I boarded. It was like an extended family.

Ill - weirdly no I can’t remember ever being ill at school. I was very ill once on a residential trip, but then so were the day pupils so boarding was not a feature of this experience.

Anxious - I got anxious leading up to big exams or presentations but not in a was specifically to boarding, more the work itself.

Bored - I don’t remember long lengths of time being bored. I used to mope about with friends for hours at the weekend, doing not much, but I don’t think that was boring as such. I enjoy doing nothing from time to time like most.

I don’t remember craving my own physical space as a younger teen and then as an older teen I had my own room.

Freedom from rules - the stricter rules were much more in school. There is a definite separation from the school day and after the school day. The boarding rules were things like - no going to town without telling x where your going and when you’ll be back, and no going swimming without a lifeguard, no breaking in to the art department to get materials. Etc. There was the odd drinking or smoking underage incident but these are dealt with very much with the parents. We were able to drink 1 weak alcohol drink from legal age with dinner Some days but it’s not particularly cool or popular to drink with the boarding staff.

I fell out with friends but I also had other friends to back me up and cheer me up.

I think I’d have been ok at most schools but I was really ok with the experience boarding. It goes without saying that not everyone will have a good experience. I can’t comment on how it will effect me down the line (I’m in my 30s) but I feel resilient at the moment 🤷🏽‍♀️

I was an international boarder, parents live abroad. I loved it and it really taught me independence and some really valuable life skills which set me up well for living independently at university and beyond.

I found I was more mature and responsible in first year uni than many students who has never lived away from home, prior to starting university.

I wanted to go to boarding school and I thrived.

I am now looking at sending my own DD so she can balance school and high level sport.

She has asked to go.

I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings.

I also don't understand why posters start threads like this saying they don't understand why people send their children to boarding schools then discount any positive experiences.

We're all different and experience things in different ways, what suits someone isn't necessarily going to suit someone else.

Do what's best for your family and stop judging others for the decisions they make for their own families.

Yes. Totally. It’s archaic and damaging in many cases and there’s no way on earth I would send my kids away. Hate the idea. I know many people totally messed up by it.

Some posters seem to be very selective about what posts they are reading. I didn’t go to boarding school but have two friends who did - they enjoyed it, good relationship with their parents, would recommend boarding school and have no emotional problems as adults.
As with all schools - there are good and bad.

People who "loved every minute", please could you explain how? Were you never homesick, anxious, ill, bored, cold or hungry, did you never crave privacy, your own space, adult company, freedom from rules; did you never fall out with friends and feel angry or upset, or get told off by a teacher and feel humiliated or indignant?

Good questions although wouldn’t claim I loved every minute

• homesick yes biggest issue for majority, not sure why this was prevalent but doesn’t arise much on these threads for ex boarders or current
• anxious not really although hated getting school bus on Sunday night
• Ill weirdly very rare, this thread made think I only remember sick bay once and it was fine friends brought me food
• bored not really
• cold no more than day students in class or swimming / hockey pitch
• hungry - a lot esp when younger as older students dished out food and gave little. You got food perks when you were older. No recess like day students so hungry before lunch we’d laugh at it a bit
• own space definitely when in dorm years
• freedom from rules etc not too bad
• friends - very strong best friend scenario so you had one but better when I got older and mixed with day students and would stay with them at weekends

So not too bad, but I do read posts about dc begging to go or not missing home at all and don’t really get it.

I know my 11 year old would miss me and home too much.

Do wives in these "army families" have to move with their husbands? Why can't they stay with the kids? Why can't the kids move with them?

For some families the marriage is all about the wants of the husband and wife coming first. We’re an ex military family. We did 30 years and being around those who chose boarding for their children had very interesting dynamics going.