To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

I know kids that live 25 mins away from their boarding school too op, it is a really strange message to give your kids - that you are not willing to even have them at home for much of the year. How can they not be hurt or damaged by this if they didn't want to board? It is madness and common and surprisingly acceptable in lots of circles hopping

One poor girls mum literally lived within eyeshot of school, she just couldn’t be arsed parenting her and had enough money not to have to

@newstart1234

I’ve seen (state school) children walking to school drinking cans of energy drinks. I’m pretty sure that’s damaging psychologically, physically and educationally but I wouldn’t go as far as to say that state education is cruel.

Honestly the most laughable comparison, I don’t even know where to start.

Firstly what has a child drinking energy drinks got to do with state education?

@NeedaLittleNap you’ve really cherry picked that article...

It actually concludes that

‘Boarding students were significantly higher on adaptive motivation, academic buoyancy, growth goal setting, sense of meaning and purpose, life satisfaction, parent–child relationships, and extracurricular activity; (not surprisingly) they were also significantly lower in school absenteeism. Thus, our findings suggested there was general parity between boarding and day students. Further, where differences emerged, effects tended to favour boarders.’

The comment about from Nick Duffel isn’t based on any peer reviewed research, just on his experience promoting a publication he wrote.

@manicinsomniac

I work in a prep school that has boarders.

Most of them are flexi boarders (1-2 nights a week) and I think that is fine - they just view it as a regular sleepover with their friends and have a lot of fun. They're also obviously all local so if they don't like it they can go home.

Of those that are weekly or full boarders, very few are from 'normal', stable, loving, local families. Most of the children are 'fine' but I agree that it's a second best experience for them. I don't think it's as bad as 'surviving not thriving' for the majority - they are happy and get a lot out of boarding - but it's not a family life and they would get more out of being in an ideal home. But the majority of them don't have that ideal home as an option so it's a good thing that boarding is there for them.

We have 11-13 year old weekly boarders from perfectly happy, stable families. Normally ones who have been at the school as day children for years and ask if they can board for their last or two. But the rest, especially the under 11s (who are very small in number) are: military families, parents whose work places them abroad, international students, parent/s who are physically or mentally very unwell, families where a parent or sibling has died, families in crisis or break up of some sort, children placed in the school by a charity, children who have a severely disabled sibling or children with parents who just don't seem to want their lives to centre around their children.

I think the demographic is very different in Senior schools. Most of our Year 8 day children are going to boarding school for Year 9 and I think that's a very different argument. They are going because they've picked a particular school for the environment, education or particular activity if offers, have decided it's something they think they will enjoy and are old enough to thrive away from home (obviously not permanently - senior schools are on holiday for not far 50% of the year if the child is a weekly boarder.) For the added opportunities they offer and the commuting issue many would have to a day school of similar quality, I don't think it makes a parent remotely cruel or uncaring to use boarding school. We have some children who start as day pupils at a famous public school not that far from us. Most become boarders after a term or so because they find they aren't getting home till 10pm and it's not sustainable or much of a family life anyway. Most of these children are from very happy, loving families that give them a great start in life. I don't think they are to be pitied at all.

So, I think YABU for 13+ year olds, YANBU for under 11s and 11-13 year olds it is very child and family dependent.

A very interesting and balanced summary. I think this wins ‘closest to the truth’ out of the thread. 🏆

It was related to how boarding school syndrome is linked with private education, privilege and academic expectation.

For me it’s a false link as I went to school in a country where boarding is not considered elitist. It seems that in the U.K. some people have a chip on their shoulder about boarding because of its links to money, class and privilege, not the fact of living away half the time from the family home itself.

@MarshaBradyo she is nearly 14 and started when she was 10, however should have been 11 but there was lots of confusion with her being schooled in 2 European countries, England then Scotland but passed the entrance tests so they took her anyway. They have closed all her education gaps (and there was a lot) and she's pretty much top set despite being the youngest by more than 12 months.

There are a few athletes at her school who do external training as well as representing the school.

When she first started I was having to contact the house because I hadn't heard from her, she was just too busy having fun and settling in. They do keep them busy. Her pastoral and house support is 2nd to none.

I don't see how anyone can say there are going to be psychological issues purely because she's boarding. She is happy, she knows if she wasn't I'd bring her home immediately. She is very much loved by us. If a child is unhappy in school then yes.... But that can be said about the ones who go to local schools and are bullied for whatever reason or have a shit home life. I certainly didn't ship her off because I couldn't be bothered looking after her. I followed her choices to have "friends she doesn't have to make every two years and spend time trying to fit in".

In the 4yrs she has been there, 3 have left for not enjoying it.

@sipsmith1 of course I wasn't quoting from the article.

@sipsmith1 that would be like me, with my lung cancer, quoting from research paid for by tobacco companies.

@CombatBarbie I think the inference is less about whether she enjoys it now, and the impact 30 years down the line.

You might be shocked to find that where I am it is not unheard of for families to ‘swap’ teenagers on a weekly basis so their kids can live nearer a suitable school.

Combat I haven’t really commented on the military aspect as I have zero knowledge (I grew up o/s where it wasn’t an element of boarding schools, we had a lot of wealthy farming families instead) but also I do think there is a downside to moving schools every two years.

I hold stable teen friendships as a high priority so I can see that others might too. And also you might not find new school easily. It’s certainly very difficult here in London. One plus here is that I know D’s can keep his friendships in a city he has as home. But again we were in a place where most would move on, o/s usually.

I do wonder if dc get homesick these days. Even with what turned out to be a good fit, had good friends and no bullying (to me, although there was loads) I still only see people saying their dc begged to go or loved it straight away.

Having said that parents at our school said the same. Not saying your dd isn’t, if she chooses to seat over the weekend it’s pretty much very likely she’s enjoying it. In the early years we all wanted to go home and compulsory Sat sport was annoying. It did change over time though.

CombatBarbie

Dh loved boarding school. He thought it was fantastic.
He is in his 60s now and I would say the psychological issues started being noticed when he was in his 40s (a few things like the secrecy were always there but in a lesser form)
You don’t know if your dd will or won’t suffer in years to come. But I do know a few of the wives of people who went to boarding school with Dh and personally I wouldn’t want to risk it for my children.
It will in the end I think end our marriage.

Stay over weekend

But how @OP any child in 30yrs time can say I'm affected by bullying, abuse. I really don't get what you are saying.

I know my daughter, I'll bet my house that in 30yrs time she's not going to be psychologically damaged because she went to boarding school. If she went to the local. Comp here, there's a high chance she'd up pregnant or amount to nothing and never leaving the town. Our area is classed as being in poverty.... Their exam rates are not good. She knows how fortunate she is to have this opportunity.... And she said that to me, not me to her.

@Bythemillpond would you be willing to elaborate? I'm very open to hearing his story to see if I can see where or why it occurred. I absolutely agree that any child whether now or 50yrs ago who are forced to board will be impacted, it speaks for itself.

I think schools are different now and I really think it depends on the child. DH boarded, no issues yet at 52 and he is very close to his parents and siblings. He is still friends with quite a few people from school and they all seem normal, close to their parents and none of them are divorced.

My DH does talk a lot about “the right school for the right child”. He and his friends are all quite easygoing and played rugby and cricket for the school. He has said that some children were unhappy and “had issues” for him it was in retrospect either a child who wasn’t academic enough, sporty enough, confident enough or just at the wrong school (or even wrong house at the right school) for their personality. Apparently housemaster/housemistress has a huge impact on the experience.

I think you get different groups once you are at school though. DH was probably not very interested in friends who weren’t happy, confident and sporty when he was 13+ Children can be cruel without realising. I was bullied as a child so I would have hated boarding school - unless possibly if it was an extremely academic school for serious geeks. I certainly wouldn’t have fitted in with DH and his friends at 13.

It’s easily forgotten in a densely populated country that in lots of places there isn’t the population to sustain a comprehensive education for all teenagers in a single area. Near me is a technical college that’s one of the best in Denmark. There are kids whose parents live on the islands who want this level of education and so board for the week. Each island can hardly sustain primary level education let alone specialised secondary stuff. It’s not cruel to allow them to go. They can’t move house - they are farmers.

I went to boarding school from about 10 to 13. My father was in the forces but I wanted to go because I had friends who went and they loved it. My mum really struggled and I wasn't allowed to go past prep, my dsis and dbro weren't allowed to go either.
I enjoyed it, although my mum didn't and it hasn't affected me negatively. I'm extremely close to my parents and siblings.
I think there is a difference between a child that is forced to go and one who has read too many Mallory Tower books and have friends who loved it too.

@newstart1234

I’ve seen (state school) children walking to school drinking cans of energy drinks. I’m pretty sure that’s damaging psychologically, physically and educationally but I wouldn’t go as far as to say that state education is cruel.

Well luckily I was just a full-time boarder and not chugging energy drinks... how minimising of what I wrote!

Evidently I could have other psychologically damaging results if my childhood had been unhappy in other ways. Literally for me it is "just" the boarding.

I realise that this is uncomfortable to acknowledge if that is the route you've chosen for your child. I'm just saying that it is a gamble. So as long as you've weighed up the risks then go ahead. Ultimately it is your child, your choice!

Just a small plea (if not already doing so) that you continue to check in with them. And ask them not whether they're happy, but if they'd prefer to be living at home. I was never given the option- so being "happy" in-situ had to be the default.

My children don’t go to boarding school. They go to the local state school 🙂

The "you" was aimed at the wider group...

Regardless of where your children go to school your post was still minimising.

I went to boarding school but I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it for my children.

Mildlymiffed, I cannot say how sorry I am to hear about your experiences. I hope that you are able to work through them.

I let DD go on the condition that she would tell me if she wanted to come home and even had a day school offer ready in case she had changed her mind last minute. I will continue to ask her regularly if she would prefer to live at home, that is a very good point.

Mildly you make a good point. In all honesty I probably would have said I’ll stay because local school wasn’t great. But if we could have lived near the school and been day students I would have chosen that.

I think that’s why I wanted to live near good schools.