To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

To be fair, some... Not all.... Local comps where I've been based in the UK that actually have spaces for in term applications have been of a notably lower standard than the the first choice school but they are full.

Remember these children move every 2-3yrs (although there is an effort now not to move them in GCSE phase). Friendship groups have already been formed, the extra cirricular stuff varies massively from school to school.

My then 9yr old bluntly told me, she was sick of saying goodbye and that broke my heart. But on the flip side she thinks and knows she's had an amazing life with lots of opportunities that other kids will only see on TV. She often tells me she wishes I could get another overseas posting.

@osprey24. You are talking garbage, or are you just jealous you can't afford to give your children the best education?.

What a horrible, unnecessary thing to say. You're not helping your case.

@Bythemillpond

Fluffyghost

I mentioned the local comp because it was in the paragraph I quoted about military wives staying in this country with “no support” and the children going to the local comp as though the local comp is so bad that packing a child off to a boarding school for months on end is somehow preferable than staying in this country on your own to look after your children.

No there was no inference that the local comp would be of poor quality the comment was made in response to a post suggesting that following a spouse around is choosing spouse over child, when that is not the sole reason military spouses follow there a many reasons all complex and multi faceted but you has focused on one tiny portion of that discussion. The conversation was snippy as the suggestion was than instead of accompanying my spouse and staying as a family unit within the military community I should have chosen to stay in the country on my own, (a consequence of that would be to give birth on my own) in order to ensure my son had a place at the local comp. This is despite the fact at the time the decision to move was made we were due to be back in time for my son to start year 10.

For the borders:

How was lockdown for you and the kids? Lots of parents I know so usually work 2/3 days a week weren't used to having them 7 days at home and hated it.

Genuine question what was it like having your child home? How did the children find it?

@RevolvingPivot I loved having her home for longer - it was brilliant. I love having her around, as much as I love the fact she is really happy at school - it’s a win win either way for us.

I also loved the fact that the school work was 1000000 x better than the (non-existent) work that her state school had given in lockdown 1. But that’s obviously not a decent enough reason for a lot of people on here to go to boarding school, obviously (& before anyone asks, no there are no other local schools she could have gone to)

I loved having everyone home. We went for walks, made lots of cakes and watched the news and discussed as a family.

I found it harder with my younger, primary day school children as they had a full online curriculum and needed to be nudged to pay attention and submit the daily, multiple mini essays and tasks. It was also a pain to buy the supplies for arts and science projects - and tidy up after.

My boarding girl was amazingly self sufficient. They had a slightly revised schedule (pre-loading academics and saving practical chemistry, biology and arts for back in the labs), so we didn’t need extra supplies. DD missed her friends a lot. Academically, it was hard in maths. She is in the top set and usually studies with girls in her set (not close friends) or gets help with homework from the resident tutors. Apparently her maths in year 8 is equivalent to state school year 11 and my geometry wasn’t up to scratch. Luckily my algebra was. The school did give the answers in class the day after, but she is competitive and really wanted to hand in great assignments. She did set up study FaceTime chats with her friends where she helped them with maths and physics and they helped her with French and Spanish.

DD missed sports a lot. She usually does lacrosse, tennis, netball, horse riding, gymnastics, swimming etc, etc multiple times a week (about 1-3 hours per day) so that wasn’t too good home - as I couldn’t take her out for any of those in lockdown.

I think it is important to note one thing though. I spend almost every weekend with my boarding school DD. I also probably spend more than 17 weeks almost 24/7 with her. She has long holidays and I don’t work. I love just being with her. I don’t really understand where this “boarding parents don’t spend time with their children” is coming from.

We have almost 4 weeks now over Easter and I am sure we will have a lovely time as always. Especially as sports is allowed again and we have booked several 3 hour sessions in her favourite sports (as we have for the other children ). For us, holidays are about family time, rest and lots of sports. We do avoid the full day camps unless it is something spectacular. For us it isn’t worth eating into family time and rest. Our children go to academic schools and they need their holidays.

Do people that choose boarding not have academically selective day schools close by?

I remember a few conversations with Oreo school friends who lamented that if their dc didn’t get into top London day schools they’d consider boarding as easier to get in to.

Prep

Moth it really makes no difference what you say, the OP is completely entrenched that boarding, unless the only alternative is an abusive or shambolic home life, is cruel and lazy parenting. I gave up about 10 pages ago. I work in a boarding school BTW, and I see so many kids like your DD who squeeze so much more into their days as it's all there on site, with the friends and qualifies staff. But the OP will tell you that none of that matters compared to cooking pasta on a Wednesday night and washing their uniform. Your DD sounds fab by the way.

I went at 9, I was very homesick the first year but then learnt to adapt to it as most do as there is no other way to get through the next 9 years otherwise. I didn't get to go home every weekend although my parents could have come and got me they chose not to so I had to watch 90% of the rest of the boarders plus day children go home which was hard. Others were left all term, and I know of some that didn't see parents for the whole school year from September to July, going to a legal guardian in the holidays.

If a child is a teenager when they start boarding and going home regularly it may be ok but I would not send younger.

I have had several years of therapy, a lot of ex boarders presenting for counselling / therapy do not go because they know their problems are linked to boarding school but they present with other things such as generalised depression or anxiety which are then linked back to being left at boarding school playing a big part in it. Typically they are late 30s to 50s when they first notice there is a problem they want to address.

If parents were not able to afford boarding school but approached social services and asked for their children to be put into a children's care home for 8 months of the year some serious questions would be asked to justify this, however when it is paid for it is acceptable. However well meaning parents are in sending young children whilst they are away at school although they may be adequately looked after they are still being brought up in an institution by strangers who do not love them.

Sexual abuse is also not uncommon as it is very easy for sexual predators to operate in this environment, often a "trusted" member of staff and more and more historical abuse is now coming to light.

So many may be fine, but many will not also, and if you are not ok the early separation from parents and home can have a lifelong effect.

@MarshaBradyo

Do people that choose boarding not have academically selective day schools close by?

I remember a few conversations with Oreo school friends who lamented that if their dc didn’t get into top London day schools they’d consider boarding as easier to get in to.

Certainly in parts of London, it’s incredibly difficult to get day school places for children who aren’t academically excellent. There are hundreds of threads on it. And to get a place, you have to be academically outstanding but also have lots of extra curricular hobbies - the application forms are like UCAS statements in terms of the ‘all rounder’ sales pitch you’re expected to do

So options for lots of kids coming out of preps

• get tutored within an inch of your life, and get crammed with music lessons and sports. Hope you get a place and then the child doesn’t struggle massively when they are in a school which is more academic than they are
• look at good state comps. Again, in some parts of London, the catchment for these can be strict so there is no guarantee you’ll get a place
• look at bad state comps. Just what you want!
• look at day schools further out that require a train or coach commute every day. Popular but makes for a long school day. Also would upset OP who is a strong believer in having school friends living locally
• look at boarding. Lots of schools in the Home Counties offer flexi boarding for these kids so, for example, they get the train there on Monday morning, stay Tuesday-Thursday, get collected by parents on Friday.

@HugeAckmansWife

Moth it really makes no difference what you say, the OP is completely entrenched that boarding, unless the only alternative is an abusive or shambolic home life, is cruel and lazy parenting. I gave up about 10 pages ago. I work in a boarding school BTW, and I see so many kids like your DD who squeeze so much more into their days as it's all there on site, with the friends and qualifies staff. But the OP will tell you that none of that matters compared to cooking pasta on a Wednesday night and washing their uniform. Your DD sounds fab by the way.

Why would I be making pasta every day? Why would I be ‘going for walks, baking cakes and watching the news as a family’? We basically do everything the boarding mums do in the holidays, but every day rather than ‘almost every weekend’.

I do think it is lazy parenting regardless of the reasons, because how could an ‘almost every weekend’ parent possibly be doing as much parenting as a full time parent?

However I will make a distinction between parents whose kids come home every weekend, because I can almost see how a packed after school timetable might make it better to stay over when they are in their teens.

It boils down to the fact we all have different priorities. I don’t really care about sports, I value education but feel this can be met by an excellent day school. I want to see my daughter every day until she is a teen and no longer wants me. I want to be the person to make her meals and tuck her into bed at night. I want to know she is sleeping under my roof, and that every day there is a chance to speak to me if something is bothering her.

However I can also appreciate some parents value much more independence in their child, and are probably from more of a lifestyle where the priorities are efficiency and achievement in extra curricular activities etc.

But I could equally accuse you of lazy parenting for not encouraging active sporty kids - do you FINALLY accept there are different styles of parenting, and one is not inherently better or cruel or wrong?

Gappy yes well outlined, that was the thought process for a few.

Makes me really appreciate the choice we had between good state and top selective in London. We didn’t do all you list though, but presumably he got a good score.

'However I will make a distinction between parents whose kids come home every weekend, because I can almost see how a packed after school timetable might make it better to stay over when they are in their teens.'

Yes but it's funny with teens, they don't always open up at set times like weekend family fun activities it's often bed time or just chilling on the settee after homework watching rubbish TV that they want to talk.

Couldn't imagine horseriding and hobbies been that important it requires them sleeping elsewhere. Being parented by teachers.

@GappyValley

But I could equally accuse you of lazy parenting for not encouraging active sporty kids - do you FINALLY accept there are different styles of parenting, and one is not inherently better or cruel or wrong?

I will encourage it, if that’s what she wants, but she doesn’t need to live at school to do that.

I accept there are different styles but I always think living in a happy loving home is the best option.

Marsha, it is easier to get into a very top boarding school than a very top day school at 11+ (If you think top 10 in the country). I think it is because less parents consider boarding at that age. It also doesn’t suit all children. We are still undecided about the younger two. Once at the school, they seem to have a system with lessons, study time/groups, residential tutors etc which helps them to work very efficiently. I found this lockdown that the support in high level maths was invaluable. A lot of day girls seem to have tutors (I have heard), but I think a system where the girls are expected to manage with the help of teachers and friends is better than having an adult coming to your home. I think the latter makes them less responsible and more entitled but that is a personal view. As they don’t have to travel to school and sports they also have many more hours in a day. As phones are restricted there is also an absence of social media which I really like.

Thank you Huge. I have given up on the OP. Revolving asked and I thought it was good to give a perspective on home learning and holidays. Our DD really loves her school and it is the perfect school for her. I don’t think it is the right school for everyone, we are all different. It must be lovely to see children blossom at your school. For the right child, I think that boarding can be fantastic. Obviously it can also be awful if the child isn’t suited for boarding. Apparently DDs school refuses to take a girl without a recommendation from the prep headmaster. My understanding is that they care deeply about getting girls that really will enjoy the experience.

I just find the accusations about not spending time with my children baffling. I have been at every play group (when toddlers) and every play date when they were too little to go alone. We always eat together. I have seen some shocking table manners from children whose parents don’t eat with them and whose nannies don’t really care. I have also lost count on the times I have been mistaken for a nanny as I always am around, no make up, cheap clothes and comfortable shoes.

'If parents were not able to afford boarding school but approached social services and asked for their children to be put into a children's care home for 8 months of the year some serious questions would be asked to justify this, however when it is paid for it is acceptable.'

This!

@RevolvingPivot

For the borders:

How was lockdown for you and the kids? Lots of parents I know so usually work 2/3 days a week weren't used to having them 7 days at home and hated it.

Genuine question what was it like having your child home? How did the children find it?

It was as good as it could possibly be. Believe it it not we are a very close family and having the extra time together has been lovely. Both DH and I are very lucky and have been able to WFH all the time.

The DC switched to online schooling and were well provided for by their school. We were very impressed with how quickly all this was setup and how well the DC took to it.

What were you expecting?

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'If parents were not able to afford boarding school but approached social services and asked for their children to be put into a children's care home for 8 months of the year some serious questions would be asked to justify this, however when it is paid for it is acceptable.'

This!

I think you missed the rest the sentence.

This.. is probably the biggest pile of bollocks ever spouted on MN. Honesty- get over yourselves!

'think you missed the rest the sentence.'

'However well meaning parents are in sending young children whilst they are away at school although they may be adequately looked after they are still being brought up in an institution by strangers who do not love them.'

What, this? Yes I agree with the rest of the sentence too, they are adequately looked after in an institution by strangers who do not love them. Horseriding and hockey though 👍

@RevolvingPivot 1st lockdown was great, it was a novelty and then the better weather started and we spent lots of time together.

This one has been good in that she is home, I love our conversations etc but she is on countdown for going back, she misses it and her friends.

Mine also has the opportunity to come home more a less every weekend dependant on sports fixtures but she simply chooses not too. She'd much rather take the train into the city with her friends and get a mcdonald's. When she's at school I barely hear from here or when she does phone it's 2 mins before phones have to be handed in. If she stated that she wasn't happy, I would pull her immediately.

Combat, they seem to have amazing weekend programs don’t they? I am secretly wondering whether DD would stay more often in the weekends if she didn’t play sports on county level and wanted me to take her to training... as it is I love having her home, taking her to training and watching her play.

Ultimately, it comes down to your own measure of expressing love, and the expectations you've given your children in that respect. It's really weird that so few posters are able to see past their own binary view of loving vs lazy/bad/neglectful parenting.

For some parents, the ultimate expression of love for their kids is buying them stuff and never saying no. Let's say worst case scenario for those kids is being denied ice cream and a new Playstation, and will leave them questioning whether they are loved.

Other parents will say the ultimate expression of love is being around them all the time, cooking every meal, tucking them up in bed. For those kids, being told they are being 'sent to boarding school' will sound very much like 'I'm withdrawing my love by withdrawing my presence' and could very well be traumatising.

For other parents, the ultimate expression of love could be making sacrifices so their kids can have the best possible life. They might go without holidays, cars, treats etc to pay school fees, and will probably make sure the child is aware of what is being given up so they get the best possible education, and probably have impressed on that child from an early age how important education is.
For this child, going to boarding school isn't being rejected, or sent away. It would be seen as a selfless act by parents in order for them to get the best out of life.

I was in the latter group. I had parents who went to boarding schools, and grew up hearing the fun stories they had. I grew up with god parents who were school friends of my parents. I equated boarding with fun, not rejection.
Overlay that with being the oldest child in a big family, and I soon realised that not only was this experience as fun as I had been lead to believe, it was in a lot of ways preferable to being at home, so I certainly wasn't pining for being back in a noisy house full of siblings getting all the attention.

[quote CombatBarbie]@RevolvingPivot 1st lockdown was great, it was a novelty and then the better weather started and we spent lots of time together.

This one has been good in that she is home, I love our conversations etc but she is on countdown for going back, she misses it and her friends.

Mine also has the opportunity to come home more a less every weekend dependant on sports fixtures but she simply chooses not too. She'd much rather take the train into the city with her friends and get a mcdonald's. When she's at school I barely hear from here or when she does phone it's 2 mins before phones have to be handed in. If she stated that she wasn't happy, I would pull her immediately. [/quote]
I chose not too when I got older too. One thing my parents didn’t have to deal with was drinking etc pretty much ever.

No coming home in a state.

Thankfully my day child isn’t in to it at this point.

How old is your dd?