To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@Fluffyghost

Honestly, I give up. You have all beaten me down. It's all so clear now, why didn't I see before? I am a terrible parent. Despite the fact I have nowhere to go, I chose to follow my husband overseas purely for my own personal gain. When the tour was extended and I realised that meant my son had no chance of gaining an education, without lengthy discussion with my son and husband, I sent him to boarding school. Thanks to your condescending bombardment and judgement I can now see that what I should have done was stick a pin in a map and rented a house in the first area I could afford. this would have enabled me to stay with him and get him into a local school. To hell with my husband who let's face it doesn't matter (unless they are absent because of cheating in which case they do matter, I lose track are fathers important or not? Is it just that they provide financially that matters or is actually being present that counts? What is it Mumsnet I get dizzy trying to keep up). The fact he would only get home twice a year and not guaranteed during the school holidays is by the by and sod my then-infant daughter she is tiny so obviously, my husband seeing her grow is irrelevant because after all, it's only a mother love that children need. I clearly have it all wrong and have no idea what is right for my children. I packed him off and sent him away aged 13 to some terrible abuse factory because I'm selfish and I only think of myself.

Oh wait. . . . hang on have I just been gaslit by a bunch of people on Mumsnet that have no idea about my actual life yet are telling me my life is so sad, I've lost my son he will never trust me and then inferring that I'm deluded and my son doesn't know what he wants because he is 'institutionalised'.

I know what sad is and it is not my sons life nor is it mine. What is sad is someone assuming to be better than someone else because they don't understand that not everyone is the same. Those people who then go on to project some kind of moral superiority over someone trying their best to provide for their family. That is sad and I pity your nasty spiteful closed-mindedness.

I’m sorry if you’re upset but maybe this isn’t the thread for you. I think you’re too emotionally invested in what we are saying. We are discussing it as an over arching thing, not on a family by family basis. If discussing boarding school as an abstract idea is upsetting to you, it’s probably best you avoid it, as people are inevitably going to hold different opinions to you.

@MinnieMous3 regardless of whether you want to compare leaving your toddler to boarding or not is a moot point. You are so het up about spending time with your children, but you send your toddler to childcare haha, they spend all day being 'brought up' by staff (you know like boarding school kids brought up by teachers) then you come home and do the bed time routine, where is the time spent here? Because I mean by boarding school age kids do their own bed time routine so what are doing extra with your toddler? I know! Nothing!

@Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll what does goady even mean? I hold a controversial opinion which I am discussing on... 🥁.... a public forum? Well, who would’ve thought it? 🙄

I never said half of what you just put, that is the worst paraphrasing I’ve seen for a while.

I don’t want to be around my child every waking second. But I do want to be her main carer, which is what I thought people signed up for by having children. I will encourage independence in her by sending her to sleepovers, on school trips, summer camps, exchanges, you name it - I did them all as a child and loved them. I will make sure she has the best education for her, an independent school is definitely on the cards but if so she will be a day girl. If she chooses to board at 16, I will say yes, because she will be a quasi-adult by that point, and I think a couple of years being a little more independent before leaving home is a good thing.

I think you can have the best of both worlds if you really want it - you can give your child the best education and build their independence over time while living at home. To me this is the optimal scenario.

I do understand how the military works, obviously I’m not a military wife etc but I have service personnel in my family. Currently the children move around with them, and I actually commented the other day how bad it is for them - not having permanent friends or a proper hometown. So I understand there is that conundrum as well. But in these circumstances, I would do what I had to do to stay put with my children somewhere and let my husband work away if he didn’t want to get a new job. It feels like the whole family is dictated by the serving parent’s career, and I just don’t think that’s fair.

As for the comment about ww2 etc, that was in response to a poster who accused me of sitting around while gallant heroes served their queen and country (or words to that effect). I am also entitled to this opinion, whether you find it ‘goady’ or not.

[quote Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll]@MinnieMous3 regardless of whether you want to compare leaving your toddler to boarding or not is a moot point. You are so het up about spending time with your children, but you send your toddler to childcare haha, they spend all day being 'brought up' by staff (you know like boarding school kids brought up by teachers) then you come home and do the bed time routine, where is the time spent here? Because I mean by boarding school age kids do their own bed time routine so what are doing extra with your toddler? I know! Nothing![/quote]
There’s really no helping you is there? If you can’t understand the difference between a parent whose child goes to daycare because they have to work to earn money, and a parent who splashes out 20k a year on a boarding school and waves their child off for weeks at a time without any need to do it, I don’t know if anyone can help you.

@MinnieMous3 it isn’t though, by your own standards you should have tried harder. Moved to a cheaper area maybe as you are advocating others do. If you couldn’t afford it maybe you shouldn’t have had children - that’s what you said to me isn’t it?

@MinnieMous3

How very condescending, clearly sarcasm is lost on you. You really are something else. I'm not upset far from it, I'm flabbergasted by you and a few others. You have absolutely no idea. I am one person but my story is not unique. It is just you chose not to see it as a viable choice instead, offer frankly ridiculous options that you imagine you would do in my situation implying that life is so blindingly simple that how I possibly couldn't have thought of that. You have questioned things that have been made blatantly obvious in an attempt to belittle any decision. Like I said earlier this is not a discussion. This is an attempt at brainwashing. You are dogmatic in your opinion regardless of evidence to contrary.

[quote sipsmith1]@MinnieMous3 it isn’t though, by your own standards you should have tried harder. Moved to a cheaper area maybe as you are advocating others do. If you couldn’t afford it maybe you shouldn’t have had children - that’s what you said to me isn’t it?[/quote]
No that was another posted that said that.

If you can’t tell the difference then I can’t help you.

@Fluffyghost I’ve been called all sorts of names on here but I’ve never been accused of brainwashing before 😂😂

People on here have accused me of being selfish with my needy desire to live with my own child, saying I’m just jealous I can’t give her a world class education at a top boarding school, that they feel sorry for her with me as a role mode etc.

I didn’t have a shit fit and throw my teddy in the corner, I just took it in my stride as the rough and tumble of debate. If you can’t handle the heat, step out the kitchen.

@MNHQ

This was meant to be a "reasonable" discussion about boarding schools.

However it seems to have turned into a very cruel critique on the difficult choices many military families have to make when considering what's in their children's best interests regarding their education.

This doesn't feel at all "in the spirit" of the site and frankly is coming across as somewhat of a personal vendetta by the OP for reasons I am struggling to fathom.

As per my previous post I've no skin in the game (not been to BS or have a child at BS) but I can understand that there are circumstances where it's not only the least worst option but in some cases the very best and even what a child actively wants.

It's a complex topic where the best outcome is based on a multitude of many factors and thus where blanket good/bad statements fail to address the nuances of specific circumstances.

So I'm reporting this (my own) post because I think this thread has got way out of hand to the point of being very spiteful (and anyone else who feels the same can do likewise).

@DeRigueurMortis I’m pretty sure you can report by using the arrow button at the top.

I really don't think there are any circumstances whatsoever where sending a 7 year old child to boarding school can be justified. Potentially in the later teen years I can see that it wouldn't be quite so damaging but before this, absolutely not.

@MinnieMous3

well, it's what your trying isn't it if your not willing to accept that boarding works for some people and insist on telling people that we are wrong and that it is going to cause our children all sorts of untold trauma.

It's just going round in circles people who have successfully boarded are being told they must have repressed mummy issues. Parents choosing to board their kids being told that are being pitied and told they are lazy Disney parents and that their kids are lost to them.

If you not trying to get us to agree with you that we are cruel, What exactly are you hoping to achieve? Because it's certainly not a discussion.

I’m not hoping to achieve anything this is a discussion forum, not a petition website.

Lots of posters have shared their good experiences of BS, and lots have shared some very sad stories as well.

I have said throughout the thread, I am not opposed to boarding in all circumstances, but I struggle to understand it with younger children.

@MinnieMous3

I’m not hoping to achieve anything this is a discussion forum, not a petition website.

Lots of posters have shared their good experiences of BS, and lots have shared some very sad stories as well.

I have said throughout the thread, I am not opposed to boarding in all circumstances, but I struggle to understand it with younger children.

That's the thing - you don't "struggle" at all.

You're just very contemptuous/sneering towards anyone offering an alternative experience/opinion.

And some people clearly struggle to understand my choice to send my child to nursery. Fine by me, I don’t feel the need to report them and shut down the conversation.

[quote DeRigueurMortis]@MNHQ

This was meant to be a "reasonable" discussion about boarding schools.

However it seems to have turned into a very cruel critique on the difficult choices many military families have to make when considering what's in their children's best interests regarding their education.

This doesn't feel at all "in the spirit" of the site and frankly is coming across as somewhat of a personal vendetta by the OP for reasons I am struggling to fathom.

As per my previous post I've no skin in the game (not been to BS or have a child at BS) but I can understand that there are circumstances where it's not only the least worst option but in some cases the very best and even what a child actively wants.

It's a complex topic where the best outcome is based on a multitude of many factors and thus where blanket good/bad statements fail to address the nuances of specific circumstances.

So I'm reporting this (my own) post because I think this thread has got way out of hand to the point of being very spiteful (and anyone else who feels the same can do likewise).
[/quote]
Just press the report button....no need to waffle on to everyone else

A support network for what

Are you deliberately being obtuse or are you just naturally goady? A support network to help you when you are ill, to babysit when you need to go out, to cheer you up when the 250 days of being on your own when your spouse is deployed has got too much, to act as a surrogate family to those who have no family support. Or would you rather the military spouse be isolated completely alone in order to ensure a place at the local comp

Loads of people don’t have a support network and manage to look after themselves and their own children without resorting to putting children into boarding school.
What is wrong with the local comp.

Looking at the disaster that Dh and his brother have made of their lives the local comp would have been far better than the posh and famous boarding schools they went to.

Dh worked away anything from 1 to 3 weeks each month.
I don’t have any family and we had only just moved to this area when I became pregnant with my eldest.

For me I would have preferred Dh to have gone away for 250 days all in one go as he just got in the way when he flew in and then flew out a week later

As someone said upthread about their Dh and boarding school and how being at home meant everything was done for them and then struggling with normal family life
250 days on my own with the children would have sounded like bliss.

Haven't RTFT I must admit. DH was eldest of 4 boarding boys. He loved it. Number two hated it. Number three was head boy. Number 4 has had had a life in and out of trouble with the police and severe mental health issues which set on course at the fund of school. DH loved boarding but was v sporty, and a typical first child 'parent pleaser'. Our daughter is now 11 and he's said despite him loving school, he cannot imagine sending her away to school. His relationship with his parents was always public facingly (can't think of a better way to describe it?) positive, but he's not in any way close to them now... very businesslike relationship, and same is true for his brothers. Whether that's a function of the family set up, or related to them all being away from 11-18 is unclear.

@MinnieMous3

And some people clearly struggle to understand my choice to send my child to nursery. Fine by me, I don’t feel the need to report them and shut down the conversation.

I sent my child to nursery at 4 months old for 4 days a week to resume my career.

He went 5 days a week from 6 months.

So no, I don't judge you for that at all.

In the same vein as I don't judge military families, or any family fir that matter who choose to send their child to BS when their decision is solely based on what they believe is the best decision for their child.

Was sending my son to nursery the best decision for him? Honestly, probably not in the short term.

I'd spent a long time building a career that would have evaporated if I'd taken 12 months or more maternity leave.

In the medium/long term it's a decision that's paid great dividends for DS.

My income and career (in conjunction with DH) has enabled a life of great opportunity in terms of where we live and life experiences.

As parents we continually make choices that balance the needs of the family as a whole.

Would I have sent DS to board? No. But I've never been in the situation where it might have been the best decision in the circumstances we faced.

I'm not trying to get the discussion deleted btw.

It's an interesting debate, rather you seem to be doing that by yourself by your own posts that have become increasingly spiteful and utterly unwilling to engage/reflect on other people's circumstances.

@Bythemillpond

what was wrong with the local comp, well if you had read all the thread instead of cherry-picking you would see that there wasn't a local comp, it kinda comes hand in hand with some overseas locations that your kids attend a foreign curriculum school. shock horror foreign curriculum doesn't really lend itself to achieving UK GCSE's and since you have decided to call me out without reading all of the facts no we didn't go on the post knowing his GCSEs would be disrupted we expected to be back before YR 10 started hence when given all the options my son choose boarding school over iGCSE learning at home and flying home for exams.

*end of school

It would really depend.on the personality of the child. Many children live at school and consider it living with friends.

My dd was a day student and made friends with children from many countries. Over half terms I often had her two closest friends to stay as not worth flying home for a week for them and much nicer than staying in school. We became friends with their parents and my dd got invited back to Hong Kong and Japan for a month over summer holidays. It encourages children to embrace diversity from a young age.

I went to a boarding school and it didn't suit me, but it did suit a lot of people. It's very dependant on the child and the circumstances. I don't think it's cruel as such, the experiences you have a so different to people who stay at home for school, I think I missed a lot of things I would have done, like parties and friends close by (I lived abroad and while the British school was near me they didn't mix with boarding school kids), parental involvement in my education would have benefitted me greatly or a larger school with wider options. I'm not sure I learnt any great life skills from going to a boarding school.

Fluffyghost

I mentioned the local comp because it was in the paragraph I quoted about military wives staying in this country with “no support” and the children going to the local comp as though the local comp is so bad that packing a child off to a boarding school for months on end is somehow preferable than staying in this country on your own to look after your children.