To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

A support network for what?

@MinnieMous3

A support network for what?

Are you deliberately being obtuse or are you just naturally goady? A support network to help you when you are ill, to babysit when you need to go out, to cheer you up when the 250 days of being on your own when your spouse is deployed has got too much, to act as a surrogate family to those who have no family support. Or would you rather the military spouse be isolated completely alone in order to ensure a place at the local comp?

'A support network to help you when you are ill, to babysit when you need to go out, to cheer you up when the 250 days of being on your own when your spouse is deployed has got too much, '

Lovely. A support network to even help with child care? Oh, wait..

Why would they be completely alone if they moved back to an area with family and friends?

what is hard for you to understand about not everyone has family, and most leave the area they grew up in and their friends are those that they live around? I'm not sure how that is hard to grasp? I don't know one person who I went to school with is still in the area that we grew up. maybe that is odd but some people do have aspirations outside of staying in the tiny corner of the world they grew up in.

I can't afford to live in my home area... A 2bed house can be 10x our annual income.
It was affordable 40years ago...

DH went. He thrived on the routine although I think he would've preferred to have spent more time with his patents. But he said he used to hear boys crying at night.

@Fluffyghost ok, but there's a certain irony in putting the child in boarding school so that the parent can gain "a surrogate family", no?!

'but there's a certain irony in putting the child in boarding school so that the parent can gain "a surrogate family", no?!'

Exactly! Hilarious if it wasn't so sad. Who is the dc's 'surrogate family' and fabulous support network, oh the teachers.

The funniest part of all of this nonsense is that OP left her child her baby in childcare. Research shows that children left with somebody that isn’t a primary caregiver under 2 have less secure attachments. Surely if you were so concerned about children not being cared for by other people you would have never ever left your baby with other people, ‘lazy parenting’ I think you called it

OP, if you are from a military family, and then marry someone in the military, so both you and your parents are posted in different places, where exactly do you think this family support is coming from? Get real. I haven't lived in the town I grew up in since I was 18, and I am now 55. It wasn't the town in which I was born either, and my grandparents were hours away when I grew up; my parents both only children, and my maternal grandparents both dead by the time I was 13.

For some there is no family support, so other military friends and families provide that. Dh was at sea when ds arrived early. A lovely friend, whom I knew as dh was friends with her RN Officer dh, and had been for years, volunteered to help if needed. She picked me up, drove me to hospital, and stayed with me til ds was born, and cut the cord. She was a nurse with 4 of her own, so was of far more help than dh would have been. Her husband eventually got a signal through that ds had been born 3 days after the event.

The military is like a family; we help each other out. Apart from when we were posted abroad, dh and I lived in our own home, and frequently week ended. If someone needed a bed, or a meal if they were down our way, either in the UK or Brussels, then that is what you did; from doing a load of laundry for someone, to having them to stay for a week, to picking them up at the airport. I once taught the kids of someone on a boat dh was going to Oz to visit. I arranged for dh to take load of letters and things for this particular guy, who was most perturbed that a senior officer was looking for him. He was pleased to be handed his mail and gifts and amused to hear that I taught them.

The mundane is the reality of relationships. DD (aged 13) drives me up the wall at times, but getting past that is so valuable to her in learning how to have a genuine relationship. And alongside that comes so many moments of sharing thoughts and feelings.

To me that's what parenting is.

In another year or two, if she had the opportunity to stay over at school and wanted to, then I would agree (if I could afford it). Weekly boarding once she was in 6th form perhaps.

But outsourcing the mundane is Disney parenting in my opinion, and that has long term problems for the children as they try to establish their own relationships

I'll tell you the funniest part of all this. That OP, the perfect parent, has been online for a full 24 HOURS goading on this thread for reasons unknown.... Who has been looking after your DD ?!

CEA is paid to a ceiling figure and often doesn't cover 70% of the fees, depending where you send your kids. It cost the military far more for ds to attend the British School in Brussels than it would have been for him to board, but if they want people to do the foreign jobs, then that is part of the employers costs.

I had never met anyone who had been to boarding school until I went to uni and met a lot of kids whose parents had overseas postings or moved a lot for their work. Their families had made the choice to send them to school so they would have stability and continuity and my friends were all very grateful for that. Given the wreck my parents made of my childhood I would have been better off there too.

OP, your obviously have an opinion that no one is going to change. I come from a military family and CHOSE to go to boarding school. Lol. Not everyone sends their kids to boarding school to get rid.

I'd take a wild guess and say you were fortunate enough to be a stay at home till your kids are adults.

Military family here, my 10 year old was on her 5th school when we decided to look at boarding. She loves it and is now 14. We have had issues, but nothing that couldn't have happened at a local school but the school dealt with it promptly. The youngest can't wait to apply for the same school. I'd say our relationship is far better now, I think we all appreciate each other more when we are all together as a family.

At my daughters school they start at P7 age 11, I am personally not a fan of sending them any earlier. One school took them from age 3! No way I could condone that.

And all students return home for every leave period. The school shuts entirely.... I'd find it quite rare for school to keep students outside term time.

Honestly, I give up. You have all beaten me down. It's all so clear now, why didn't I see before? I am a terrible parent. Despite the fact I have nowhere to go, I chose to follow my husband overseas purely for my own personal gain. When the tour was extended and I realised that meant my son had no chance of gaining an education, without lengthy discussion with my son and husband, I sent him to boarding school. Thanks to your condescending bombardment and judgement I can now see that what I should have done was stick a pin in a map and rented a house in the first area I could afford. this would have enabled me to stay with him and get him into a local school. To hell with my husband who let's face it doesn't matter (unless they are absent because of cheating in which case they do matter, I lose track are fathers important or not? Is it just that they provide financially that matters or is actually being present that counts? What is it Mumsnet I get dizzy trying to keep up). The fact he would only get home twice a year and not guaranteed during the school holidays is by the by and sod my then-infant daughter she is tiny so obviously, my husband seeing her grow is irrelevant because after all, it's only a mother love that children need. I clearly have it all wrong and have no idea what is right for my children. I packed him off and sent him away aged 13 to some terrible abuse factory because I'm selfish and I only think of myself.

Oh wait. . . . hang on have I just been gaslit by a bunch of people on Mumsnet that have no idea about my actual life yet are telling me my life is so sad, I've lost my son he will never trust me and then inferring that I'm deluded and my son doesn't know what he wants because he is 'institutionalised'.

I know what sad is and it is not my sons life nor is it mine. What is sad is someone assuming to be better than someone else because they don't understand that not everyone is the same. Those people who then go on to project some kind of moral superiority over someone trying their best to provide for their family. That is sad and I pity your nasty spiteful closed-mindedness.

Fluffy I get it, but then dh did 34 years in!!

@Fluffyghost I hear you..... I have not eye rolled at the sheer ignorance for a loooong time.

Also just want to confirm that my kids have lived in several different overseas locations, their life experiences up until now, some kids can only dream of. And I wouldn't change any of it and neither would they. I mean going on safari for a weekend was just the norm in one posting.

@Fluffyghost some people will just never get it. I do- you’ve made a great choice for your family! Military life is full of highs and lows- it comes with great privileges and it winds some people out. Just enjoy the ride!

@sipsmith1

The funniest part of all of this nonsense is that OP left her child her baby in childcare. Research shows that children left with somebody that isn’t a primary caregiver under 2 have less secure attachments. Surely if you were so concerned about children not being cared for by other people you would have never ever left your baby with other people, ‘lazy parenting’ I think you called it

I think you’re missing the point. I had to return to work to keep a roof over my daughter’s head. I didn’t choose to send her because she is good at Lego (well, she’s too young for sport!) or because I thought it would make her independent.

Nobody sends their child to a 20k boarding school because they have to make money do they 🙄 silly comparison.

Well according to your own device you could have gone on benefit and taken a council house: that time is not replaceable.

But instead you did what was best for your family. Which is what most people do... even boarding school parents.

Reading her posts;

She's goady, thinks all the army do is partake in warfare, would 'support' her child all she could in a hobby such as music but that must not come at the price of HER time with her children (see, all about her), refuses to see the positive impact boarding can bring and that some children may choose it, her opinion is right, all parents who send their kids to boarding school are wrong and mean, apparently if your job doesn't allow you to spend 24/7 with your family then you should just leave (financial implications by the by), because jobs are easy to 'just leave', least of all the military

OP is clearly a privileged and clueless individual giving her the right to judge other families for their choices.

Her head is in the clouds, thinks fathers aren't important (well military ones anway), wants to spend eVeRy wAkInG mInUtE with her children. 'Support a hobby by other means' when the only option is for boarding, haha. She's just selfish, let's face it having kids in general is selfish though, you have a baby for you, not for the baby.

The bit that got me the most was 'why doesn't one parent stay at home', how ridiculous!? Not only is being mobile with your spouse sometimes the best option to keep your family together but there are single parents in the forces, also families where BOTH parents are in the forces. People really have no idea, cast judgment on a life they know nothing about. Even when my mum talks about military life, she tries to make a call of what it was like for my brother and I, she can't she's never been forces kid, never so she will never know. Boarding school which was my choice, it was great for me and I loved it, lots of contact home too (as if she thinks the parents aren't involved and just don't speak to their children whilst they are there) but above all it gave me the educational stability I needed.

OP 'time' maybe more important to you, but others value education and independence. No I probably wouldn't send my child to board under 11 but who am I to say it's negative for someone else.