To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

NatashasTooth I remember when dh was going to join the navy (totally naively as it wouldn’t have suited us at all, luckily decided against it) and a navy officer friend pulled a face at me and said ‘ooo, naval wife is the hardest job in the world’ (lightheartedly). I didn’t realise there is a certain section of the military where wives are still expected to entertain constantly and host deathly boring events/run charity do’s. I realise it’s the very high ranks, but does seem so old fashioned.

@LadyLotten

So if this doesn’t sounds like your cup of tea you can sacrifice your career and/or marriage by living years on end separated so the children can go to a bog standard state school down the road. Pa can drive maybe 5-7hr on a Friday to come home, exhausted, to see Ma, who is also exhausted on a Friday night. Have approx 24hrs at home and get in the car for another 5hrs on a Sunday evening. Doesn’t sound nice?

See this is what we have done for 15 years but I get to see my children every day.

This is so incredibly ignorant and hugely offensive to all armed forces families. We care immensely for our children and boarding is a fantastic opportunity for them.

You say you know what you would do if in a certain position. You’ve never been in that position so you do not know. It’s as simple as that.

[quote RevolvingPivot]@LadyLotten

So if this doesn’t sounds like your cup of tea you can sacrifice your career and/or marriage by living years on end separated so the children can go to a bog standard state school down the road. Pa can drive maybe 5-7hr on a Friday to come home, exhausted, to see Ma, who is also exhausted on a Friday night. Have approx 24hrs at home and get in the car for another 5hrs on a Sunday evening. Doesn’t sound nice?

See this is what we have done for 15 years but I get to see my children every day. [/quote]
I’m genuinely happy this works for you.

I met some truly damaged people who had been sent off to the famous boarding schools. The men in particular had some utterly vile ideas about women / anyone poorer than them. A few were aware they were damaged but many more were not.

Sending a child to boarding school is abuse. There's no excuse. If your lifestyle means you can't nurture and raise your children, then don't have any.

@AllDoneIn

I met some truly damaged people who had been sent off to the famous boarding schools. The men in particular had some utterly vile ideas about women / anyone poorer than them. A few were aware they were damaged but many more were not.

I’ve met some true CFs over the year. Utterly vile people who all went through the state system.

I know a young teenage girl that begged her parents to send her to boarding school, from Monaco to London. She is very happy with her decision and her life. I would say YABU.

It’s nice that some children beg to go to boarding school and enjoy it. How many don’t want to go though and how horrific is that.

I went to boarding school at 11. Spent the first 3 nights crying silently into my pillow and feeling ashamed of being 'homesick'. Obviously I adapted and did enjoy school. But I can hand on heart say that I would put my own 11 year old child through those initial days over my dead body. Yes, it taught me to 'toughen up' and 'endure' but I don't want my own child to have to learn that at 11, or 8, or whatever. I can't really understand why a parent doesn't enjoy their children. And I can assure you that a boarding school child learns not to tell their parents the bad stuff (I.e., when they're struggling with homework or friendships or whatever) and eventually doesn't much bother with the good stuff either. Although of course you will assure yourselves that that's not true of your child, oh no.

As with a previous poster, if marriages often don't survive extended or regular separation then how can you honestly think your parent/child relationship retains the quality it would otherwise have had. Your child may be happy at boarding school (because children are very adaptable) but they will replace you with their friends/their own selves.

@LadyLotten

I’ve met some true CFs over the year. Utterly vile people who all went through the state system.

Did anyone else read this in Hyacinth Bucket’s voice

Off with their heads, the vile peasants! Not having parents heartless yet rich enough to educate you properly, well enough is enough!

@LadyLotten

This is so incredibly ignorant and hugely offensive to all armed forces families. We care immensely for our children and boarding is a fantastic opportunity for them.

You say you know what you would do if in a certain position. You’ve never been in that position so you do not know. It’s as simple as that.

Well your child has never been through the state school system and lived at home so 🤷🏼‍♀️ You don’t know either. You can’t say with any certainty that it isn’t better.

Yanbu
Why have children if you're going to send them away to boarding school. I don't understand it at all, particularly with children who are still in primary school. They need their parents not a teacher who is paid to look after them. I also don't think being in the military is a reason to send them. If my oh had to work away we would go with him or I would stay behind with our children.

@DancingQueen85

Yanbu Why have children if you're going to send them away to boarding school. I don't understand it at all, particularly with children who are still in primary school. They need their parents not a teacher who is paid to look after them. I also don't think being in the military is a reason to send them. If my oh had to work away we would go with him or I would stay behind with our children.

Exactly. All being well you get a retirement with your spouse anyway (and they often retire quite early in the military). However your kids will fly the nest (or dorm as it were), and it’s unlikely you will ever have the opportunity to spend that kind of time with them again.

I think it’s secretly parents who want an easy life, and the prestige of their child attending a ‘world class’ private school.

@MinnieMous3 I see that in my husband’s family tbh - also it was what they themselves had known.

Someone posted earlier something along the lines of do not expect your child to be able to speak up to you with problems or concerns they are having / a feeling of having to say everything is ok when it may not be. This was 100% my husband’s experience. He was bullied for the first few years at his very well known 13+ boarding school and when he was eventually encouraged by another sibling (not at same school) to speak up to his parents, they basically told him to get on with it. I cannot tell you the profound effect that has had on him, which manifested much later in life.

Thank you for the responses regarding military spouses’ careers.

It sounds an awful lot like there are quite a few spouses (and let’s be honest, by that we probably mean wives) who have to give up not only their independent careers but also the opportunity to throw themselves into the busy-work of raising older children. It’s so much to sacrifice. I don’t know how anyone could ask it of them.

The misinformation on this thread about the armed forces is unreal.

MOST people in the armed forces do not send their kids to boarding school.
To get CEA (the boarding school allowance), you need to demonstrate that both parents are moving every 18 months-3 years, into locations more than 60 miles away from the child.

I was in the armed forces for 12 years and knew 4 families who sent their child to board (out of about 200 families!).

In the military now there is flexible working, where you can apply for 'at home postings', there are compassionate grounds too if a child is really struggling to move schools...

Additionally, and as an aside the contempt and ignorance @MinnieMous3 has shown on this thread towards the military, has never been addressed. The 'THEY'VE DONE NOTHING GOOD SINCE WW2 BUT COMMIT ATROSICITIES!'

They dropped that bomb and have never answered to the several people who called them out on it.

What planet are you on? @MinnieMous3 retire quite early!? No, they don't retire quite early. they leave after time served and go on to find another job. You honestly have zero idea. Why do spouses not stay behind in one area? What area do you propose? Military spouses follow the job because of the support network. The village of spouses that drop everything to lift someone up when they fall, the friends that feed your children when you are in hospital and your spouse is deployed. The support network that is provided by the service to ease the burden placed upon them. these are the reasons spouses follow their serving partners, not because they are choosing their spouse over their child. how very judgemental and ignorant of you to assume you know what you have no idea about. You claim that you couldn't possibly leave your child or not see them, yet you actively advocate a devoted father plays no role in a childs upbringing in order to avoid the potential for boarding school so instead of a child seeing their parents in a happy loving family for nearly half the year due to the holidays and exeat weekends, you propose that single parenthood and a father dropping in when he can get a flight back from overseas is the answer. Honestly, you have no clue.

I know dozens of military spouses and was one myself for some time. I run a successful business, I know lawyers, doctors, bankers, marketeers , engineers, who are military spouses.
It's like any family, there are compromises and decisions to be made.

Not all military spouses are in a pinny stuck in the kitchen following their darling husband.

That wasn't at you @Fluffyghost it was at the Op and some of the ignorance on this thread.

@Fluffyghost

What planet are you on? *@MinnieMous3* retire quite early!? No, they don't retire quite early. they leave after time served and go on to find another job. You honestly have zero idea. Why do spouses not stay behind in one area? What area do you propose? Military spouses follow the job because of the support network. The village of spouses that drop everything to lift someone up when they fall, the friends that feed your children when you are in hospital and your spouse is deployed. The support network that is provided by the service to ease the burden placed upon them. these are the reasons spouses follow their serving partners, not because they are choosing their spouse over their child. how very judgemental and ignorant of you to assume you know what you have no idea about. You claim that you couldn't possibly leave your child or not see them, yet you actively advocate a devoted father plays no role in a childs upbringing in order to avoid the potential for boarding school so instead of a child seeing their parents in a happy loving family for nearly half the year due to the holidays and exeat weekends, you propose that single parenthood and a father dropping in when he can get a flight back from overseas is the answer. Honestly, you have no clue.

Well thank you @Fluffyghost

THEY'VE DONE NOTHING GOOD SINCE WW2 BUT COMMIT ATROSICITIES!'

Well, that’s my opinion.

No, they don't retire quite early. they leave after time served and go on to find another job.

Sorry yes that is what I meant (BIL military, FIL ex military hence why DP boarded, GF military hence why my dad boarded). But in retiring and taking on a ‘regular’ job they are able to live in one place with their spouse and see them every day, yes? Plus they do retire eventually and then spend time together.

the friends that feed your children when you are in hospital and your spouse is deployed

Why would the kids need feeding if they’re at boarding school? You’re suggesting the wives follow the husbands to maintain their social circle? Why wouldn’t living near real family be better?

Went at 8 because my dad was military, as did my brothers. Am very close to my parents. Also have amazing friends who are as a PP said more like sisters. No way I would have achieved as much as I have without it - if I'd moved school in my GCSE and A Level year I would never have got into the university I did and gone on from there.

I think there are clearly huge differences not only depending on what job you do in the military but also when - in my husbands case it was well over 30 years ago that he went to boarding school. I understand that lots of the rules re boarding school have changed since then.

@MinnieMous3

THEY'VE DONE NOTHING GOOD SINCE WW2 BUT COMMIT ATROSICITIES!'

Well, that’s my opinion.

No, they don't retire quite early. they leave after time served and go on to find another job.

Sorry yes that is what I meant (BIL military, FIL ex military hence why DP boarded, GF military hence why my dad boarded). But in retiring and taking on a ‘regular’ job they are able to live in one place with their spouse and see them every day, yes? Plus they do retire eventually and then spend time together.

the friends that feed your children when you are in hospital and your spouse is deployed

Why would the kids need feeding if they’re at boarding school? You’re suggesting the wives follow the husbands to maintain their social circle? Why wouldn’t living near real family be better?

oh, behave yet again proving you have no idea. Maintaining a social circle honestly you are ridiculous. They are maintaining a support network. Once again your holier than thou assumptions are reaching, what about a real family you say. How very presumptuous, i'll dig them up shall I so I can fit your narrative. You would be surprised by the number of people that don't have a family to rely on My four-year-old is hardly at boarding school, my 17 yr old is. Get a grip