To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

Yes and I know loads of people with relationship issues but of course they pin point it all down to divorced parents. People love a reason to analyse themselves and a find a reason. If it’s not boarding school it was bullying at school, divorced parents, moving house as a child etc. My SIL boarded for one term at age 14 and claims at the age of 45 it has scarred her for life and cause everything from infertility to weight gain. Utter bollocks but handy to blame something.

Also I agree with pp who talked about the mundane.

After primary school I didn’t get to go home after school and just eat and muck about, do homework in room.

I like that Ds has that - none of us did and it feels different.

@takemetomars I hear you

I'll NEVER forget my flatmate telling me exactly the same thing. He'll partially hate her until the day he dies.

We keep refusing to talk about things in this country in a civil manner. As soon as it gets close to feelings or opinions we get really nasty. But the truth is how could boarding school NOT be abusive to children ..??...and thats assuming there are no perverts and racists and deviants at lurking there which there usually are!

As OP says if we dropped off DH to family and friends and left them for several years then everyone would know what to call it. Child abuse and neglect.

My sister boarded and I didn't. I begged to go. Her school was incredible compared to my crappy state one. She was about a 30 minutes drive away and I was insanely jealous and still am that she got to go.
Her job openings and networking has all been enhanced and she definitely made friends for life.
I am aiming for my outgoing only dc to board. Her school does flexi boarding so we'll be able to let her stay the odd night and decide.

@missmapp

My friends son is a chorister. He saw the advert for the auditions , applied and was desperate to attend. All choristers must board. There is no way he would be boarding if he was not a chorister. He loves it .

OP if a child of yours wanted to do something similar which meant they had to board , what would you do ?

OP has already said several pages back that she would not let her child board even if they had a talent for something

@fluffypinkpiglet

My sister boarded and I didn't. I begged to go. Her school was incredible compared to my crappy state one. She was about a 30 minutes drive away and I was insanely jealous and still am that she got to go. Her job openings and networking has all been enhanced and she definitely made friends for life. I am aiming for my outgoing only dc to board. Her school does flexi boarding so we'll be able to let her stay the odd night and decide.

Why didn’t your parents send you as well? That does seem unfair.

I know a family who have loads of kids, they rely on ‘private sponsors’ to send them to top boarding schools around the country. The odd time they haven’t been able to secure one, that child has gone to the local crappy comp! It struck me as monstrously unfair, literally some of them were At £40k a year schools and others at state dive schools! I wonder how they will square that when they’re older... regardless of everything I’ve said on here, kids should be given the same opportunities as their siblings whether that’s boarding or not...

I know a family who have loads of kids, they rely on ‘private sponsors’ to send them to top boarding schools around the country.

How does this work? Who are these people who sponsor and why

@MarshaBradyo

I know a family who have loads of kids, they rely on ‘private sponsors’ to send them to top boarding schools around the country.

How does this work? Who are these people who sponsor and why

Really couldn’t say. Get the impression it’s wealthy ‘family friend’ types. They’re very socially climby.

There is an outdoor centre in my region that takes foreign kids from boarding schools during school holidays (all school holidays in some cases) so they rarely spend time with their families.

I was involved with one kid (approx 11 year old) professionally when they were injured or ill and obviously distressed by the situation and it seemed so cruel. It crossed my mind to put a safeguarding referral in for child neglect, if they were from a poor family recieving so little emotional warmth from their primary carers concerns would be raised. I found it very hard to understand how it could possibly be okay.

@MinnieMous3 ‘private sponsors’?? Like rich godparents / relatives? Gawd.

My husband boarded from 7, military father at that time based abroad but later in the UK.

One thing I have really noticed is that he has no idea of what a normal family life is like. That’s not to say all boarding children have this experience of course, and I think things are probably better than they were then esp with eg flexi boarding - a couple of nights a week is a world away from full boarding at 7 seeing parents at the end of term.

His experience of being at home is essentially a welcoming committee, his every whim being taken care of, that sort of holiday weekend atmosphere. His mother probably also felt guilt, he was the youngest of three and there were some marriage difficulties on top of that.

But his idea of what it is like to live in a family day to day is very skewed because he basically has no experience of it himself as a child. Us having small children quite close together in age magnified this as he cannot be the focus of attention all of the time. He has never seen, on an ongoing basis, a house with both parents present (ie one not away for long periods), children coming and going and needing physical and emotional support constantly, and the diversion of energy that involves if parents provide this as opposed to delegating it entirely to others.

Also accept this experience could be very particular to his family (father in military, mother very much a senior officer’s wife and before that a very senior officer’s daughter and happy to let nannies and staff do pretty much most things and if fact expect it).

Jskei - I’m ethnic minority and enjoyed boarding school. No doubt many do not like it and some experience racism, but I had a good time.

An older relative was sent to stay with different extended families at different ages as his mum was widowed with several kids in a country with no social security net. Someone at school had a single parent who worked for an airline. So many reasons and things to balance. I think the mistake is not changing tack if the child is having a tough time - whatever the situation: boarding, day, home Ed.

Sorry pressed post too early - was going to say his experience of boarding from that age has definitely had a profound affect on him and resultantly on our marriage, interestingly started to come out when our oldest reached the age he was when he went to boarding school. I know now that this is not uncommon. A friend (also army who boarded from 7) once put it succinctly when he said it was fundamentally wrong to send young children away to be primarily raised by people who do not love them. Ooof.

@Dingleydel

Boarding school is acceptable because it is a seen as a posh privilege. If working class or deprived families fobbed their dc off in an institution it would be seen for it is, a dereliction of parenting.

We live in a town with lots of military. Every family I know with school aged children have opted to settle with military partner working away during the week. I think this is far more normal now. We did this ourselves (not military) and it really isn’t that bad. There are lots of jobs where people have to relocate or work away for a time. In no other industry would it be considered normal to make your family traipse round after you.

I have always wondered about this. There are a fair few forces kids at my dc’s school, many who began boarding in Y3. I have always wondered why the non-military parent (if applicable) doesn’t stay put with the kids. Surely the forces parent can cope on their own for a bit as opposed to the kids being sent away.

I do know two families - one forces, one not - where one parent has moved with the children to be near the school while the other parent had to remain elsewhere for work. One sees their partner fortnightly, the other every six weeks. It’s difficult for them but a sacrifice they are prepared to make.

@LuaDipa I have also thought this often - who is more able to deal with separation, a seven year old or a grown woman / man?

In my husband’s case pretty sure it was because being with the husband would afford a certain level of privilege, standing and socialising that one certainly would not have had access to outside of that military circle.

Never been in the military circle thank god

This is fascinating and this is a genuine question with no subtext as I have no skin in this game - do military spouses whose children board tend to have their own careers?

@ThanksItHasPockets

This is fascinating and this is a genuine question with no subtext as I have no skin in this game - do military spouses whose children board tend to have their own careers?

They can do, my BIL is forces and his wife runs a shop on Etsy. But she’s taken odd jobs in the places where they have lived before

'do military spouses whose children board tend to have their own careers?'

Surely they must both have extremely demanding jobs, perhaps shift work because otherwise one would be be at home looking after their dc, while their partners lived in institutionalised shared facility accommodation.

'They can do, my BIL is forces and his wife runs a shop on Etsy'

Etsy .

Exactly. I’m can’t understand why you’d prefer to be separated from your children rather than spouse. I watched that documentary that someone posted earlier. I felt so sorry for the mother who said she felt redundant and she struggled to fill her days and her highlight was joining the pub quiz team whilst her dc were at school 3 hours away. I found myself thinking why the hell can’t you stay in Hampshire and your husband come back for the weekend then? Their poor little girl was crying every night with homesickness. It made me wonder whether the father was actually quite abusive. Long postings abroad may present difficulties of course.

My husbands family are really quite senior military. His mother did not have a paid job, but she did a lot of entertaining and social type events. They moved house a crazy amount over my father in law’s career depending on posting etc.

@ThanksItHasPockets

This is fascinating and this is a genuine question with no subtext as I have no skin in this game - do military spouses whose children board tend to have their own careers?

It depends entirely on the circumstances and on what you define as a career vs a job.

Posted abroad- most likely a job and not so much a career. Sometime not allowed to work in paid employment.

Following husband in the U.K. some people are very able to peruse a professional career. Most likely nursing, teaching, that type of thing. Employers get suspicious of several moves and wonder whether it’s worth employing you. Some spouses are lucky and have been in the same area for years as their DP can bounce around or within jobs quite locally. Some work from home or freelance and do it this way.

Worth remembering is that many, many army families do not live near their own extending family and that type of support is not available. Add to this a deplayoment, maybe two kids under the age of 5 and one older in boarding. Working isn’t really an option.

What a sad post.
My middle child wanted to go to a certain school but it was miles away and there was no way he could get there by 0730 every day. The year he was due to start secondary, this school introduced boarding.
My son wanted to go in a shot.
He went and absolutely loved every second from 13-18. He came home every weekend when he wanted to although we were welcome any time....
We would watch him play Ruby (even midweek) and we were encouraged to drop by whenever we wanted to take him out for dinner etc.
We did when we could as it was an hour and a half door to door

My son has made some amazing friends and says even now how much he misses his school.

My other two didn't do boarding as they're wanted to go to local schools.

My husband boarded and loved it too.

Please don't ever think we don't love our son or that we sent him away....
It was his decision totally.

By the way he also got unbelievable exam results....as he HAD to work in the evenings. He also isn't interested in X Box or gaming as he never had access to all that....he's now incredibly successful and happy and is buying his first home at aged 21!

@LadyLotten

With regards to military life.

Let’s summarise. If you’re a military family, according to some people, to truly love you children you should either let your child have perhaps 6 or seven primary schools and potentially royally screw up their GCSEs and A-levels. Moving yearly (yes- this is very common esp for officers) is not just a practical process. It can take children months to settle into new environments and schools. Essentially everyone is happy and has made a friend hopefully, when it’s time to go again. I am aware of several children who just do not bother making friends and become withdrawn becasue ‘there’s no point in making friends as you’re leaving’. But at least they sleep under the same roof as their ma and pa. Well, screw that becasue Pa is away most of the time anyway. Ma it is pulling 99% of the household, moves, dealing with settling issues, etc. Oh- and remember that posting when my three kids got sent to three different primary schools becasue they were all full? Fun times for all of the family! Anyway, kids’ feelings does not matter as apparently they are too young to count.
So if this doesn’t sounds like your cup of tea you can sacrifice your career and/or marriage by living years on end separated so the children can go to a bog standard state school down the road. Pa can drive maybe 5-7hr on a Friday to come home, exhausted, to see Ma, who is also exhausted on a Friday night. Have approx 24hrs at home and get in the car for another 5hrs on a Sunday evening. Doesn’t sound nice? Ok so ‘leave the army’ then. Yes... Let’s just leave a hugely rewarding career you love with a stable income? Super easy choice right? Especially when Ma has been holding together the household for the last few years and frequently hasn’t got a career worth mentioning to fall back on should finances be tight. But never mind that.

OR
You could truly love your kids and the children have access to stable boarding with world class facilities and education whilst you provide a loving and stable home life for them to come home to. But that would be utter maddens right? Never mind the fact they can build meaningful friendships instead of shielding themselves from forming new relationships.

It sickens me that people dare to judge military families in these discussions. You really and truly have no idea what the options are and what you are talking about.

Or you could decide not to have children if you weren’t able to have them live with you. My niece detests her boarding school, her Dad is military but her Mum is (ironically) a teacher who finds it easier for her daughter to be at boarding school than manage childcare. I was at boarding school as a day pupil and there were plenty of military kids and kids who had parents working in places where there was no good school provision for them (eg Oil industry in Nigeria). I always used to wonder why their Mum at least didn’t just come back to The UK so they could live with them., it seemed like their Mum was Choi f their Dad over them to me as a child. I know that If DH got a fantastic job opportunity but the dc would have to go to boarding school he either wouldn’t take it or I would stay here with them.

Many spouses have jobs rather than Pershing careers. A bit of TA:ing, admin job at the barracks, local shop etc. Normally well below the credentials.