To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@LadyLotten why does everyone keep saying boarding schools are world class? A handful are, but most are pretty run of the mill, nice facilities but academically nothing overly special.

As for

you can sacrifice your career and/or marriage by living years on end separated so the children can go to a bog standard state school down the road

Why would living away from your husband sacrifice your marriage, but you don’t see putting kids in boarding school hours away as sacrificing your relationship with them?

'So if this doesn’t sounds like your cup of tea you can sacrifice your career and/or marriage by living years on end separated so the children can go to a bog standard state school down the road. Pa can drive maybe 5-7hr on a Friday to come home, exhausted, to see Ma, who is also exhausted on a Friday night. Have approx 24hrs at home and get in the car for another 5hrs'

Well if Pa cba to drive home to see his family he isn't much of a Pa is he. So let me get this right, Pa and Ma cannot be apart from each other but their dc can? Right .

Boarding school (or any private school, really) isn't an option for us. But hypothetically speaking... I don't see what they'd be missing out on. The stress of the mornings and the dinner/homework/housework rush when they get in from after school club at 6pm before they go to bed at 8? We don't have enjoyable time together until the weekends anyway. Or are we doing it wrong and other families are actually getting hours of Quality Time with their DC after school of an evening?

I know that some mod families send their children to boarding school. Someone I know has a husband in the forces. They have to move a lot including abroad which was manageable when they were little but now they are older they have put them into boarding school term time so they don’t have to move schools so much. I think there is some kind of financial help available too! I can understand why they want their children to stay at the same school.

@missmapp

My friends son is a chorister. He saw the advert for the auditions , applied and was desperate to attend. All choristers must board. There is no way he would be boarding if he was not a chorister. He loves it .

OP if a child of yours wanted to do something similar which meant they had to board , what would you do ?

How old was he?

[quote Aroundtheworldin80moves]@LadyLotten you've forgotten to mention the periods when the child doesn't attend school for two months while you try to find them a school place...[/quote]
Oh yes. Those times. But of course that all doesn’t matter right? Haha!

For some families, going to boarding school will save their familial relationships. Ime military kids benefitted most from boarding school in terms of forming strong bonds with peers at a critical time. I think the bonds between parent and child is rock solid and Ime unbreakable and formed many years before most if not all kids go to boarding school. I don’t think any distance or time would damage that for me. Marriages by contrast take effort and the bond often needs to be reaffirmed by having physical closeness. Long distance relationships are notoriously tricky to maintain long term.

I went to boarding school. I know many people who hated it, and many people who loved it. Interestingly they all have the same lifelong issues around relationships, emotional transparency and trust, though those who hated it tend to be more aware that they have these deficits and to have done some work to address them.

I think these threads are never going to achieve much, because the disagreement is about fundamental basic principles. For those who advocate boarding, it will always be easy to dismiss concerns and bad experiences by reasoning that those who came off badly were the wrong children for boarding, or it was the wrong school, or there was something the matter with the family in the first place.

For those of us who oppose boarding, the red lines are simple and inalienable: the optimum arrangement for child-rearing - the bare minimum for long-term emotional health and development, in fact - is a stable, daily, physical and emotional relationship with caregivers who love them personally and unconditionally; which the very best boarding environment cannot offer. The dilemma is whether or not the facilities and advantages they DO offer can compensate for the deficit in family life. My experience, and that of my boarding veteran friends, is that they cannot.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'So if this doesn’t sounds like your cup of tea you can sacrifice your career and/or marriage by living years on end separated so the children can go to a bog standard state school down the road. Pa can drive maybe 5-7hr on a Friday to come home, exhausted, to see Ma, who is also exhausted on a Friday night. Have approx 24hrs at home and get in the car for another 5hrs'

Well if Pa cba to drive home to see his family he isn't much of a Pa is he. So let me get this right, Pa and Ma cannot be apart from each other but their dc can? Right .

If you have ever tried this type of relationship you will know exactly what it entails and what effect it has on the family dynamics. It’s not great.

It’s just stupid plotting adults against children in this question. I’m sure they love a bloody exhausted parent for a few hours at the weekend:

As for the quality of boarding and independent schools- it is far, far above what any state school can offer: don’t be stupid. Sure there are some that might be below par but many, many more are of world class standard and offer both a more ambitious and individual approach than any state school can. But sure if you are at a state school with 10 kids per class, stables and a swimming pool- enjoy and don’t move out of catchment.

dh won a scholarship to a private school, boarding. I think it was actually harder on his Mum than it was on him! They drove every weekend for 1.5 hours each weekend to see their boy, so 3 hours all up. I think he was the envy of his mates.

The food was crap, the bullying, rife, but the education he got was pretty damned good.

OP
He was 8, in yr4 . All choristers had to start at that age

@missmapp

OP He was 8, in yr4 . All choristers had to start at that age

At 8 I would have said no and fostered his enjoyment of singing elsewhere - paid or at school.

@sadpapercourtesan

I went to boarding school. I know many people who hated it, and many people who loved it. Interestingly they all have the same lifelong issues around relationships, emotional transparency and trust, though those who hated it tend to be more aware that they have these deficits and to have done some work to address them.

I think these threads are never going to achieve much, because the disagreement is about fundamental basic principles. For those who advocate boarding, it will always be easy to dismiss concerns and bad experiences by reasoning that those who came off badly were the wrong children for boarding, or it was the wrong school, or there was something the matter with the family in the first place.

For those of us who oppose boarding, the red lines are simple and inalienable: the optimum arrangement for child-rearing - the bare minimum for long-term emotional health and development, in fact - is a stable, daily, physical and emotional relationship with caregivers who love them personally and unconditionally; which the very best boarding environment cannot offer. The dilemma is whether or not the facilities and advantages they DO offer can compensate for the deficit in family life. My experience, and that of my boarding veteran friends, is that they cannot.

That’s fine if children are offered personal unconditional love at home. Many many are not.

As for the quality of boarding and independent schools- it is far, far above what any state school can offer: don’t be stupid. Sure there are some that might be below par but many, many more are of world class standard and offer both a more ambitious and individual approach than any state school can. But sure if you are at a state school with 10 kids per class, stables and a swimming pool- enjoy and don’t move out of catchment.

The grammar school I went to was better academically than the very expensive private school.

What use is a stables and swimming pool unless you’re planning on being an Olympic athlete? You can ride and swim regardless of whether you’re at a boarding school

@missmapp

OP He was 8, in yr4 . All choristers had to start at that age

Tragic

@MinnieMous3

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

This is because you have not sat in others shoes. My child has dyslexia and was failing at his local school he could walk to. That school he was subject to bullying and it was highly stressful. He now boards during the week at a school for children with dyslexia. He is extremely happy.

Boarding schools differ hugely. You can’t generalise or compare. Just as state schools differ hugely.

I agree with @MinnieMous3

Perhaps there are some exceptions like special needs - Military.

Also no doubt there's children who prefer boarding to homes of abuse or neglect... but absolutely the 2 hrs of mundanity is the glue that bonds our kids to us.

Most of the government boys went to boarding schools and we see how poorly they empathise with others. Did Piers?

We Brits are always lecturing other country's on their traditions we despise so strange there's not much science on this... because I'm betting its not good.

@sadpapercourtesan

I went to boarding school. I know many people who hated it, and many people who loved it. Interestingly they all have the same lifelong issues around relationships, emotional transparency and trust, though those who hated it tend to be more aware that they have these deficits and to have done some work to address them.

I think these threads are never going to achieve much, because the disagreement is about fundamental basic principles. For those who advocate boarding, it will always be easy to dismiss concerns and bad experiences by reasoning that those who came off badly were the wrong children for boarding, or it was the wrong school, or there was something the matter with the family in the first place.

For those of us who oppose boarding, the red lines are simple and inalienable: the optimum arrangement for child-rearing - the bare minimum for long-term emotional health and development, in fact - is a stable, daily, physical and emotional relationship with caregivers who love them personally and unconditionally; which the very best boarding environment cannot offer. The dilemma is whether or not the facilities and advantages they DO offer can compensate for the deficit in family life. My experience, and that of my boarding veteran friends, is that they cannot.

Very well said.

The problem with saying that for some children, boarding school is not right, is that it is impossible to know that until you send your child. I, and countless other children at age 11, was/were also aware of the reasons why we were sent off and that our parents had 'good' reasons to send us there. This does not allow the child to express the misery and most will become institutionalised very quickly in order to cope. The damage done is long lasting and this poster has nailed the ongoing issues with intimacy, personal relationships and trusts. Wry succinctly

@jskei

I agree with *@MinnieMous3*

Perhaps there are some exceptions like special needs - Military.

Also no doubt there's children who prefer boarding to homes of abuse or neglect... but absolutely the 2 hrs of mundanity is the glue that bonds our kids to us.

Most of the government boys went to boarding schools and we see how poorly they empathise with others. Did Piers?

We Brits are always lecturing other country's on their traditions we despise so strange there's not much science on this... because I'm betting its not good.

Military child here. Still damaged.

We KNOW that the effect on children can be disastrous.

I don't care what anyone's reasons are, don't send you children to live away from you

So I'm getting boarding school is great if you can afford not to bother with a family life that you probably don't have stability for kids but have had them any way kind of vibe.

And then. Actually it's not that good. But some people are so institutionalised by their experiences that they will perpetuate it. Wowsers

That’s fine if children are offered personal unconditional love at home. Many many are not.

True - but the implication then is that boarding is only a positive option for children whose family relationships are poor, which I don't think the boarding parents on this thread would be happy to accept. It reduces boarding schools to fee-paying children's homes.

The boarding advocates maintain that boarding can be a better option than family life for children in healthy, loving families. I dispute that, for the reasons given.

I went to boarding school and so did my husband from the age of 8 and absolutely loved it and our daughter has boarded since the age of 10 but our son is a day boy.

For the right child, at the right school it is the most amazing opportunity.

Both my husband and I have been very successful in life in many ways and very happy.

It’s the narrative that there’s something amiss in the child if boarding makes them homesick. Too sensitive / quiet / too dependent.

I reject all that. I think it’s normal to miss home. Don’t adults? Or are children expected to adapt in a way an adult can find hard.

I do remember a kind of hierarchy at school if you were at the bottom it was a very bad time, plus you were there nearly all the time.

I had good friends tg we bonded over being sent to school. When we get together now it’s brilliant (very rarely we are across the world). But still.