To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

Nine is very tough I think.. Did you cry and ask to be brought home?

I totally agree with @MinnieMous3 that having your children only for holidays and not dealing with the day to day shit is like Disney parenting, you only do the fun stuff, not any of the setting boundaries, rules etc that are an important part of how you are brought up.

An old bf of mine went to boarding school, he hated it and so did his siblings. I can’t understand why people have children to put them in boarding school either, though it might be better if you can’t give them the attention or love they need at home.

OP with no experience of boarding school decides it’s not right for OP’s family, seeks confirmation of own views and is surprised when some of those with experience of boarding school provide different perspective...

I'm not English and I really don't understand the idea of boarding school unless your family is in the army/moving around all the time.

Why send your kids off as children to live somewhere else? Seems crazy.

I can't comment with any more than that because I have no personal experience and don't know anyone that's gone.

@missmapp

My friends son is a chorister. He saw the advert for the auditions , applied and was desperate to attend. All choristers must board. There is no way he would be boarding if he was not a chorister. He loves it .

OP if a child of yours wanted to do something similar which meant they had to board , what would you do ?

I would say no, and seek to support their hobby by other means.

@Bvop

OP with no experience of boarding school decides it’s not right for OP’s family, seeks confirmation of own views and is surprised when some of those with experience of boarding school provide different perspective...

It’s been a very mixed bag, but just over half of the votes seem to share the views I do.

The country is being run by people who boarded.
They are traumatised sociopaths with no empathy.

@Bvop

OP with no experience of boarding school decides it’s not right for OP’s family, seeks confirmation of own views and is surprised when some of those with experience of boarding school provide different perspective...

Hear hear.

It's not an objective or sensible discussion. Anyone with any actual recent knowledge is being shouted down by those with no direct experience. OP is just intent on riding roughshod over any debate and insisting her own, heavily blinkered and outdated ideas are correct.

Crack on with your martyrdom OP....

@blackbettybramblejam

The country is being run by people who boarded. They are traumatised sociopaths with no empathy.

Ironic that you've posted such intolerant, generalising shite

@MinnieMous3 that’s not always possible. Like I said previously, my daughter is really, really good at her sport - one of the best in the country (for her age, not potentially Olympic level in 3 or so years time) We cannot facilitate that locally as there aren’t the facilities and the hours in the day - well, there are but to the massive detriment of my other child, who isn’t remotely interested in spending all weekend watching sport. She was offered a huge scholarship at a boarding school and she was really keen to give it a go - why wouldn’t we? Good parenting in my eyes is making the right choice for your children. She is 13, I have done plenty of parenting and continue to do so - just because I’m not washing her socks every night doesn’t make me less of a parent. If we had said to her ‘no you can’t go, even though you really want to, because WE didn’t want you to go’ how does that make me a better parent? That’s putting our needs over hers. If she wasn’t enjoying it she’s come right home again, we’ve always made that clear (& would save me a fuck tone of money, so I wouldn’t be too bothered!)

You seem to have only one view on this & don’t take into account anyone else’s - to be honest I have no idea why you bothered with this post as you’re clearly not open to any other points of view.

Tbh it sounds like your prejudice against boarding school comes from your own insecurity and needs and that prevents you from considering options that may be better for children. The general take on mumsnet is that the children’s needs come first, so it is surprising that the exception is unless it is to the detriment of the mother. Again I think boarding school is a valid option which if you have the means should be considered although it will not be the best fit for every child.

@bonbonours

I totally agree with *@MinnieMous3* that having your children only for holidays and not dealing with the day to day shit is like Disney parenting, you only do the fun stuff, not any of the setting boundaries, rules etc that are an important part of how you are brought up.

This is literally touted as one of the upsides by parents isn't it? No more arguments over prep, the school handles all that, we just have all nice quality time together at home. I enjoy my child so much more than when they were living at home. Super

Funnily enough OP I'm surprised you didn't get more than half given the strength of feeling you usually get on the education boards on the subject. FWIW I'm in the 'boarded and loved it' camp - boarded at 8 too - but I saw first hand that it certainly isn't for everyone.

Well I've just watched the documentary. 😲

@ChequerBoard but there are a large number of people who actually have attended boarding school or in close proximity to those that have which support op’s view.

I think mundane parenting is some of the best bits. I used to walk DD to school once a week and we had our best conversations then. Now when we have to drive to lessons etc its the most chatty she gets (teenager) and we have a good laugh.

@Chickenriceandpeas I’m sure she is good at her sport, but in my eyes that isn’t a significant enough reason to only go home once a month or so. Sports are a hobby, very few people make it to professional standard, and even then it’s a fleeting career. I appreciate your view but this is mine.

I missed out on the mundane chats with my parents when I was at boarding school but I would call a couple of times a week and we’d talk for hours. I don’t think I’d have been so open to my parents if I had to deal with their everyday maddening (in my teenage eyes) nagging. That’s just my family, I’m not saying everyone gets on their teenagers nerves obviously. Boarding school worked well in my family and if I think my kids will thrive at boarding school I’d not hesitate to send them on the ground of cruelty. My boarding school experience was good and bad, with pros and cons, similar to day schools I imagine, and I absolutely loved every second.

I don't think boarding school is cruel. I'd have reservations about boarding under age 11 (partly based on a discussion with a friend about how he felt boarding from 7). Then again, it depends on the family circumstances, such as whether the parents have to travel for work.

That said, I had contemplated it for my younger son until three of my friends' sons started boarding in year 10 (at three different boarding schools, two of which would be deemed as prestigious in the SE). All three boys were very sociable, sporty types who I thought would have been great candidates for boarding. All three boys left at the end of the first year, for different reasons. One felt that, once the day pupils had left for the weekend, there wasn't much going on, particularly in terms of sports training. Another didn't enjoy having a lack of freedom over how to spend his free time (appreciate that this could be a benefit given teenagers' addictions to their phones!). It made me rethink looking at boarding for my son.

I'm not slating boarding schools, I have friends who loved their time there and made some fantastic friends. Naturally, private schools are very good at marketing themselves and one of my friends felt their boarding school had rather over promised and under delivered on the boarding experience at the weekends. I'm sure it's not the case in all boarding schools, particularly if they are boarding only.

Sorry, year 9 not year 10

I haven’t rode rough shod over anything - I’ve read everyone’s posts, and the main reasons people send their kids to BS is ‘sports’ or because the parents live too far away from the school/are in the army.

To me, these simply aren’t good enough reasons to miss so much of your child’s formative years. I don’t see how you can know them on the same nuanced level as parents who see their children every day and every weekend. It does seem like the posh version of a ‘Disney dad’.

I went to one. I hated it. But I am now very glad I went. Boarding school forced me to gain the resilience to deal with both it and home life and life after leaving school.

With regards to military life.

Let’s summarise. If you’re a military family, according to some people, to truly love you children you should either let your child have perhaps 6 or seven primary schools and potentially royally screw up their GCSEs and A-levels. Moving yearly (yes- this is very common esp for officers) is not just a practical process. It can take children months to settle into new environments and schools. Essentially everyone is happy and has made a friend hopefully, when it’s time to go again. I am aware of several children who just do not bother making friends and become withdrawn becasue ‘there’s no point in making friends as you’re leaving’. But at least they sleep under the same roof as their ma and pa. Well, screw that becasue Pa is away most of the time anyway. Ma it is pulling 99% of the household, moves, dealing with settling issues, etc. Oh- and remember that posting when my three kids got sent to three different primary schools becasue they were all full? Fun times for all of the family! Anyway, kids’ feelings does not matter as apparently they are too young to count.
So if this doesn’t sounds like your cup of tea you can sacrifice your career and/or marriage by living years on end separated so the children can go to a bog standard state school down the road. Pa can drive maybe 5-7hr on a Friday to come home, exhausted, to see Ma, who is also exhausted on a Friday night. Have approx 24hrs at home and get in the car for another 5hrs on a Sunday evening. Doesn’t sound nice? Ok so ‘leave the army’ then. Yes... Let’s just leave a hugely rewarding career you love with a stable income? Super easy choice right? Especially when Ma has been holding together the household for the last few years and frequently hasn’t got a career worth mentioning to fall back on should finances be tight. But never mind that.

OR
You could truly love your kids and the children have access to stable boarding with world class facilities and education whilst you provide a loving and stable home life for them to come home to. But that would be utter maddens right? Never mind the fact they can build meaningful friendships instead of shielding themselves from forming new relationships.

It sickens me that people dare to judge military families in these discussions. You really and truly have no idea what the options are and what you are talking about.

@LadyLotten you've forgotten to mention the periods when the child doesn't attend school for two months while you try to find them a school place...