To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@RevolvingPivot

I'm sure I answered *@MinnieMous3*

Sorry I can’t see it?

We were posted abroad where he would have needed to go to a school which didn’t follow the UK curriculum. Then move at the end of Y8 and then Y10.

My Father was an officer in the Navy and by the time I went to boarding school was not actually posted anywhere and worked in London in the week and home at weekends. After that he worked daily in an office job. However, he was still entitled to military discount. My mother never worked and was home all day so makes even less sense why they sent me to boarding school. I guess because the military discount made it affordable and they thought the education was superior to the village school.

@Wannakisstheteacher

We were posted abroad where he would have needed to go to a school which didn’t follow the UK curriculum. Then move at the end of Y8 and then Y10.

Was you moving home & living with DS while your husband worked away not an option?

@GetOffYourHighHorse

Why do military families use them? If only one is in the army, why doesn't the other stay in one place, provide a secure home life and just see the other parent in holidays etc?

It always puzzles me how some prioritise their partners over their kids. Unless both serving of course.

When it comes down to it... Money.

DH is now on the 'seniors' contract (age, not rank). So he gets free Single accomodation, fuel allowance to Go home etc. He also lost his Grandmother a couple of years ago, so we have a house deposit.
Many families can't afford to live separately. But with the allowance, can afford boarding school.
Maybe the non serving partner works long hours... When kids are younger, they have au pairs.
Maybe it's a single serving parent.

Maybe they are trying to keep the family together as much as possible, especially if there's also younger kids in the family.

People on the outside can have little understanding of military life. Its not as straight forward as just sending the children away...

@Wannakisstheteacher You weren't posted abroad unless you both serve? No?

Not read the whole thread but DS1 boarded. Do I regret it? Sometimes....he has MH issues as an adult..but I believe he would have had MH problems even without boarding, also diagnosed with ASD at 25. I look round friends DC who went to state/indie schools as day pupils ,many of them have/had issues with MH as well.
DS2 boarded with him later and didnt have problems. I firmly believe DC affected by the experience would succumb to other MH problems. The number of threads on here about kids with anxiety/depression/school refusing etc and the need for CAHMS show that.
These threads tend to go the same way but someone asking if a baby will be affected by being in nursery all day will be told that the baby knows who mum/dad are and it is fine.
It really depends on the dynamics when the DC are at home.

We have 2 younger children. Plus the Army doesn’t pay well enough to run 2 houses, we don’t even own our own house! It most certainly isn’t that I’d rather be with my husband than my child.

@Wannakisstheteacher

We have 2 younger children. Plus the Army doesn’t pay well enough to run 2 houses, we don’t even own our own house! It most certainly isn’t that I’d rather be with my husband than my child.

So if you and the children moved home, your husband would still have to live in a house? He wouldn’t join communal accommodation which is presumably cheaper?

My husband has to pay to travel to and from the other end of the country. He pays for our food and his and all our bills. Plus he pays to live in a flat / halls but it's not as much as running two houses. We have no spare money and I can't work but god I'd rather be skint than not see my kids.

Plus mortgage

That wasn't to you. I actually comment earlier to you and said you can't win.

[quote RevolvingPivot]@Wannakisstheteacher I don't think you can win either way.

DH will have been in 22 years in 3 years. We stayed in the city we were born so that the kids could stop at one school both our families live within 20 minutes of us. However their dad is only home every other weekend or Easter / Christmas or the odd week. ( So some will obviously think this is also unfair). He was allowed to work from home for 3 months during the first lockdown but only because he's now in charge so can give orders from home and organise training etc.

Can I ask about deployments.
DH had been in 7 wars / conflicts throughout our relationship. When your husband is away for the 6 months did you ever feel like moving gone?

I'm not sure about the army but the marines pay 90% of the fees.[/quote]
.

DP was sent was he was 10/11.
He insists he wanted to but I don't buy it.
His mother left him there during school holidays, didn't visit him when he had an emergency op and it's left him with a lot of insecurity and confidence issues.

RevolvingPivot

@Wannakisstheteacher You weren't posted abroad unless you both serve? No?

That was to designed to make me feel shit at all then?

You said "we"

'Many families can't afford to live separately. But with the allowance, can afford boarding school. Maybe the non serving partner works long hours... When kids are younger, they have au pairs.Maybe it's a single serving parent.'

Still doesn't make sense to me surely they could just use single person army accommodation. Fees even with allowances must balance that out, and then have a family home elsewhere where dc get a family life.

Do you not think it's actually because some prioritise partners so they hopefully don't stray? Maybe even enjoy the unrestrained social lives?

Can understand with single serving parents I suppose. Even so you'd think extended families may be able to help.

It's been an interesting read anyway. None of us are perfect but imo a loving parent or relative actually living with a dc until adulthood is fundamental.

I didn't report your deleted comment by the way.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'Many families can't afford to live separately. But with the allowance, can afford boarding school. Maybe the non serving partner works long hours... When kids are younger, they have au pairs.Maybe it's a single serving parent.'

Still doesn't make sense to me surely they could just use single person army accommodation. Fees even with allowances must balance that out, and then have a family home elsewhere where dc get a family life.

Do you not think it's actually because some prioritise partners so they hopefully don't stray? Maybe even enjoy the unrestrained social lives?

Can understand with single serving parents I suppose. Even so you'd think extended families may be able to help.

It's been an interesting read anyway. None of us are perfect but imo a loving parent or relative actually living with a dc until adulthood is fundamental.

Careful she will tell you to F off next

It depends on the child, the family, the family dynamics, the school...every child's circumstances are individual to them. Some will have had excellent experiences, some will have had awful ones. There's also no way of knowing if the ones who had an awful time would have been better off not boarding.

People make judgement calls for the best way for their families to exist and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. Boarding school as a model is not 'inherently cruel'.

My sons went to boarding school from 13. Their choice to board and they both loved it! Would agree it’s not for everyone though, it depends on the child.

Me and siblings boarded. We liked it and are very close - go on family holidays together, babysit my kids. We are close to my parents too.

I hardly got homesick (was 11 when I started) - lots of exciting stuff going on. I dunno whether being able to be away from loved ones for a long while is due to boarding school, but it can be useful: being able to go abroad to look after a family member in illness. Or if needed, take a job abroad to save for a deposit.

I don’t really feel like I have a home town, but I have a close family which is spread across different towns/countries and don’t necessarily see that as negative.

My friends son is a chorister. He saw the advert for the auditions , applied and was desperate to attend. All choristers must board. There is no way he would be boarding if he was not a chorister. He loves it .

OP if a child of yours wanted to do something similar which meant they had to board , what would you do ?

I went to boarding school at 9 as my parents were overseas. It was OK but it was in the days when there were only 3 visits per term allowed by parents. As my parents were overseas I was either palmed off on other parents during visiting days or had to stay behind with a few other children who didn't have visitors. We were then taken out by a disgruntled member of staff who resented having to work when the other staff were having the day off.

I coped by shutting my emotions down, a condition that has persisted into later life.

I am not against boarding per se, it depends on the child. Two of my grandchildren board.. One is at weekly boarding, he has special needs, and comes to us one night in the week. It is a very nurturing school and he copes but it wouldn't be his first choice.

The other goes full time boarding which he loves (Millfield). He is very sporty so it suits him. Horses for courses.