To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

My ex went to Harrow. He said the way he felt when his mum left him at 8 years old has never left him. He was devastated by what he thought was abandonment. He was quite fucked up by it.

It would be interesting to know how many birthdays the child has had at home

This this sounds very negative for children who don’t go.

I wouldn’t send a child who was happy go lucky, had loads of friends and loved school but still valued time at home.

But we’re generally close and that includes being present during the week.

Plus I boarded so I see more value in excellent day schools.

I would keep home any child who was sensitive, worried, easily thrown by things or generally needed more reassurance.

This list is negative

I actually said 'it's not the same as boarding but a similar principle'. Your refusal to acknowledge any counter points is depressing. For most teens, Mon-Fri parenting is mostly the 'family drudgery' of feeding and laundry and nagging about homework, or taxiing them to activities. There's nothing bonding or noble in that. Weekends might be spent similarly with teens absent on screens or with friends for the most part. This is not every family, as I have said throughout and as is the main point of my argument, but it will be true for many, even if they don't like to admit it. What is so special and superior about that? Boarding schools, especially modern ones with flexi boarding offer enormous opportunities and give v long holidays for 'quality time' where actual bonding might take place. In the end, you are speaking only from anecdata and your own projected prejudices, not personal experience of current boarding practice.

But how many children are sent at 7, 8, or 10 these days? My oldest wasn’t ready then, my younger children are not ready yet if they ever will be.

We have friends who sent their children boarding. The oldest was really happy and loved it. When the youngest started, he was very unhappy and called home in tears. The dad came the next day, packed up all things in the car and the child was enrolled in a day school from the following term. That’s what I would do - as I repeatedly tell my oldest.

I think it needs to be a family decision based on everything, including the child. If the child is unhappy, just don’t do it.

But I don’t think that the experiences of unhappy children whose parents either don’t know or don’t care (although I find this hard to believe) can be use to say that no children will enjoy boarding. I know that some thrive.

@MothExterminator

But how many children are sent at 7, 8, or 10 these days? My oldest wasn’t ready then, my younger children are not ready yet if they ever will be.

We have friends who sent their children boarding. The oldest was really happy and loved it. When the youngest started, he was very unhappy and called home in tears. The dad came the next day, packed up all things in the car and the child was enrolled in a day school from the following term. That’s what I would do - as I repeatedly tell my oldest.

I think it needs to be a family decision based on everything, including the child. If the child is unhappy, just don’t do it.

But I don’t think that the experiences of unhappy children whose parents either don’t know or don’t care (although I find this hard to believe) can be use to say that no children will enjoy boarding. I know that some thrive.

I don’t know if it’s different now but we all cried at drop off, except the one who was an only child who preferred it.

We were homesick. We went on to enjoy it more in time as that passed but if every parent hadn’t said to each other oh they love it / thriving etc and given in to tears the dorms would have been pretty much emptied.

Most got better, a few really suffered mostly due to bullying but only one parent removed a pretty ill child (physical signs of stress).

Plus we were obviously a range of personalities just preferred to be at home.

Even some adults miss their homes if they have to travel for work a lot.

I feel that l have too much of a maternal bond to have ever considered sending my children to boarding school, l was shocked recently to learn that the person l was speaking to had both children as Boarders, and the youngest one was only eight years old, yet she had not seen her in person for over 9months, and even longer with the eldest one.

I’m sorry, but l simply could not bear that much time away from my family, l had them to raise them myself, not send them off to an institutional establishment to do it.

Apparently, l read in a National newspaper that parents with a high military rank get their Children’s Boarding schools fees paid for by the Government as a perk of the job. They argued it gave stability whilst an officer’s spouse was then free to follow him around their Postings, with out fearing the responsibilities of childcare from being a full time Mother. The article covered a fraud case and subsequent dismissal of a Major General earlier this year.

@SavannahLands

I feel that l have too much of a maternal bond to have ever considered sending my children to boarding school, l was shocked recently to learn that the person l was speaking to had both children as Boarders, and the youngest one was only eight years old, yet she had not seen her in person for over 9months, and even longer with the eldest one.

I’m sorry, but l simply could not bear that much time away from my family, l had them to raise them myself, not send them off to an institutional establishment to do it.

Apparently, l read in a National newspaper that parents with a high military rank get their Children’s Boarding schools fees paid for by the Government as a perk of the job. They argued it gave stability whilst an officer’s spouse was then free to follow him around their Postings, with out fearing the responsibilities of childcare from being a full time Mother. The article covered a fraud case and subsequent dismissal of a Major General earlier this year.

My youngest is 8. She sleeps in my bed every night (when DH is away so if used to sleeping alone too) and gets excited for "girl" chat" before bed. I can't imagine not seeing them at bedtime.

I went to boarding school aged 14 here whilst my parents remained at home in a different country (6hour flight away). I went home every holiday or mum came to the UK when we were off. My brother went at 13. We are well adjusted adults in our late 30s and are grateful to our parents for being able to send us. Our schools had fantastic pastoral care and being away grew our confidence.

Looking to send our daughter for secondary school as a day boarder but home at the weekend.

"I feel that l have too much of a maternal bond to have ever considered sending my children to boarding school"

Oh so many martyrs on this thread... Big coincidence that these martyrs are unable to see both sides or have a reasoned debate. It's all extremes of horror stories, usually from days of yore.

Oh well, enough of this nonsense. I'm off to spend time with my two boarding teens with whom I obviously have no maternal bond.

A close relative was sent to board at 11 and hated every minute. It led to a full mental breakdown in their late twenties. So I'm pretty opposed to it. I look at my own child and just can't imagine sending her away, especially if she repeatedly told me she didn't want to go. Maybe it works for the right child and the right school but it seems like a huge risk to take.

@ChequerBoard

"I feel that l have too much of a maternal bond to have ever considered sending my children to boarding school"

Oh so many martyrs on this thread... Big coincidence that these martyrs are unable to see both sides or have a reasoned debate. It's all extremes of horror stories, usually from days of yore.

Oh well, enough of this nonsense. I'm off to spend time with my two boarding teens with whom I obviously have no maternal bond.

What extreme horror stories?

Most got better, a few really suffered mostly due to bullying but only one parent removed a pretty ill child (physical signs of stress)

That sounds horrific to me. Absolutely awful.

One of my dCs cried going off to Brownie camp. But she knew she'd be home in 4 days.

I just could never have done it because only the child knows. They can put a brave face on it, the housemistress or whatever they're called says... yes they are fine so much better. The child tells you they are because they don't want to let you down.
But they are dying inside.

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

Look at Molly Weasley, eh?

She fucked them all off to boarding school as soon as she could.

Awful woman.

Ahhh I love Molly 😀

I feel that l have too much of a maternal bond to have ever considered sending my children to boarding school

You’ll get a kicking for this no doubt. But I can’t imagine it for my 11 year old either.

@Ireolu

I went to boarding school aged 14 here whilst my parents remained at home in a different country (6hour flight away). I went home every holiday or mum came to the UK when we were off. My brother went at 13. We are well adjusted adults in our late 30s and are grateful to our parents for being able to send us. Our schools had fantastic pastoral care and being away grew our confidence.

Looking to send our daughter for secondary school as a day boarder but home at the weekend.

If that's what you wanted at 14 that's fair enough. How would you feel if you we're 7/8?

@MarshaBradyo

I feel that l have too much of a maternal bond to have ever considered sending my children to boarding school

You’ll get a kicking for this no doubt. But I can’t imagine it for my 11 year old either.

Same, my bond is too tight to send mine away .

HugeAckmansWife

I think what you describe as family drudgery is just normal family life and to not expose your child to that is wrong.

My Dh hadn't a clue about normal family life and really struggled and still does.

He has really struggled being in the house if I do any sort of cleaning up or doing laundry. He isn’t used to it even now it irritates him and he just expects things to magically be clean but no one can do anything when he is around.
Lockdown has meant that the house is in a state because at one stage he was isolating.
He really struggled having children around who in his mind should have been at BS

It’s not something I would chose for ds

I know for some children it is the right choice for their educational needs and that for forces children it maybe the right choice

I don’t buy the it makes you independent I left to work abroad at 17 have always been independent. Ds went to a prep school and the drive from a very young for children to be independent I found strange but then probably because there was a time most of the children would have moved on to boarding school and it has retained that culture

@HugeAckmansWife

I actually said 'it's not the same as boarding but a similar principle'. Your refusal to acknowledge any counter points is depressing. For most teens, Mon-Fri parenting is mostly the 'family drudgery' of feeding and laundry and nagging about homework, or taxiing them to activities. There's nothing bonding or noble in that. Weekends might be spent similarly with teens absent on screens or with friends for the most part. This is not every family, as I have said throughout and as is the main point of my argument, but it will be true for many, even if they don't like to admit it. What is so special and superior about that? Boarding schools, especially modern ones with flexi boarding offer enormous opportunities and give v long holidays for 'quality time' where actual bonding might take place. In the end, you are speaking only from anecdata and your own projected prejudices, not personal experience of current boarding practice.

It’s not quality time, it’s Disney parenting - just enjoying the fun bits and leaving the tougher parts to someone else. It just looks like you can’t really be bothered with them unless they’re in happy holiday mode and therefore easier for you to have around.

I went to boarding school at age 11. It was a wonderful school and I’m grateful to my parents for making the sacrifice (both financially, but also for my mum who would have preferred to have me at home). I grew up in Wales where there aren’t any grammar schools and the local comprehensives were dire. When the nearest private school was 75 mins away, the only option was weekly boarding.

It’s far too young though to leave home though and the fantastic facilities and wonderful fun and midnight feasts etc, don’t make up for the safety of your own home. It’s impossible to switch off when you’re living in a boarding house.

I wouldn’t be apart from my own tween/teen DC like that, so boarding school will never be an option. Thankfully there are lots of amazing schools within 10-20 mins, so there’s no issue with them being day pupils.

@SavannahLands any solider irrespective of rank can have 80% of their boarding school fees paid by the government up to £20,000. Lots of schools give bursaries for the remaining 20% as bursaries. You don’t have to be an officer at all.

Only now I’m in my 40s do am I fully realising the truly detrimental effects of boarding school (from 8-18).....