To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@MinnieMous3

Another issue I have with boarding schools is that it weakens your sense of having a hometown, especially if the school is hours away.

You won’t make local friends, and feel like you really grew up there - it will just be a house that you visited at weekends etc. Which could leave you feeling quite baseless further down the line.

I also wonder whether parents worry about their children growing apart from their siblings. My friend was sent to a different boarding school to her siblings, and has always said they don’t really have a relationship - they once went for a couple of years without even speaking. No row, just not close. Yes I know this could happen to any siblings, but surely not really growing up with them makes it more likely?

I live over 100 miles from my home town, have to childhood friends, and speak to my sibling maybe every month or so (generally facilitated by parents) - I see them a couple of times a year ie: at Easter and Christmas.

Boarding schools really are terrible for a sense of belonging and family... Except, I lived in the same town until I was 18, and went to the local state schools, as did my sibling!

This - like threads about how many children to have, when to send child to preschool etc - has no 'right' answer (though extremes such as boarding at 7 and under are generally considered less acceptable), and is an emotional subject often heavily influenced by a posters personal experience ie:whether they enjoyed school, like having 2/5/0 siblings etc.

Maybe try being pleased that you are privileged enough to live in a country where you don't have to send your children away to get them educated/To be able to earn enough money to live, and try empathising with people who have a different experience than you rather than judging them?

Should read *have no childhood friends

Great points Chequerboard!

But you're only conceding that it's better if the home life is unstable in some way whereas many are telling you their experience where their home life was great and their parental and sibling relationships likewise and it was STILL a great option for them. You're blanket refusal to accept that is sad. Do you think they are lying or 'in denial'?? How patronising if so.

[quote MinnieMous3]@ChequerBoard I begged my parents to send me to the under 18s night at a local nightclub when I was 12. They didn’t let me. I’m sure I would’ve had a great time, but looking back they made the right decision. I don’t understand how parents attach such weight to the opinions of children.[/quote]
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you are really not just so unintelligent that you can't see the difference between a petulant 12 wanting to go somewhere inappropriate and a reasoned decision between a family as to the correct school place for that DC.

Really interested as to why you are so het up about this? It's clearly not going to be an issue for you personally, you don't know anything about how real boarding schools operate in 2021 and you don't have DC of secondary school age anyway, so have no experience of making the choice of where they will go at that age.

@terrywynne but we are not talking about other countries where boarding school is the only hope of an education.

We are talking about parents choosing to send their children away to live at school, usually with no better reason than ‘sports’ or ‘they asked to go’. Kids ask for all sorts.

Really interested as to why you are so het up about this?

My friend is going through a tough time at the moment and calls me a lot, rather than her family who she has basically zero bond with. Maybe that’s why.

Sparechange

You seem to think that living at home you didn’t get taught stuff that you would need like money management or how to turn on the washing machine etc Maybe you would maybe you wouldn’t that is down to your parents.
You also seem to be old before your time. What’s wrong with a bit of screeching at 18. They are 18 not 48. It is part of what university is for. Partying and trying new things, meeting new people, getting drunk and doing questionable stuff

It all sounds very structured. When did you ever let your hair down and do irresponsible things.

I too went to boarding school for a couple of years. Mine was near to a large town with the lure of nightclubs, a fire escape and a 20 something matron who was too busy sneaking her bf in to her quarters to notice a missing teenager.

Washing and bedding was done for us. Just had to remember to drop laundry into the baskets whenever. Same as at home.

I can only go by Dh and his db who were packed off to boarding school at 7 and reading similar stories to theirs.
I think both would have benefited enormously from going to the local grammar/secondary modern and staying at home with their parents. Boarding school wrecked bil’s life and Dh is in his 60s now and although he loved boarding school and in his 20s and 30s he was just about ok he does struggle with day to day life within a family situation. Especially when I said no to boarding school.
His problems are getting worse to the point he did something (that I can directly link to the “independence” and secrecy that were instilled in to him at BS) that will probably end our marriage.
He is considering therapy because it has got to the point even he can see his upbringing has had a profound affect on him. And he was one of the ones that really loved BS

[quote MinnieMous3]@ChequerBoard I begged my parents to send me to the under 18s night at a local nightclub when I was 12. They didn’t let me. I’m sure I would’ve had a great time, but looking back they made the right decision. I don’t understand how parents attach such weight to the opinions of children.[/quote]
That is an extremely poor comparison.

[quote MinnieMous3]@terrywynne but we are not talking about other countries where boarding school is the only hope of an education.

We are talking about parents choosing to send their children away to live at school, usually with no better reason than ‘sports’ or ‘they asked to go’. Kids ask for all sorts.[/quote]
Sure, we are talking about the UK but you are judging posters because they don't fit into your view of what 'proper family life' is. You are dismissing every suggestion of why people might have a different family life than you unless it is in the very narrow range of scenarios you consider acceptable for using a boarding school. I am merely pointing out that you are highly privileged to even be able to have the family life you consider 'proper' or to be having a debate about this at all.

My friend taught at one which took boarders from 6. She said the staff who looked after them were so sorry for them and didn’t really think they should be there.
She did say she thought flexible boarding was great. They had quite a few children whose parents worked shifts as doctors or abroad a few nights a month so they stayed.
As much as I was miserable at home and school I know it would have been a disaster for me as an introvert. I think not being able to get away from peers for many children would be hell.

[quote MinnieMous3]@terrywynne but we are not talking about other countries where boarding school is the only hope of an education.

We are talking about parents choosing to send their children away to live at school, usually with no better reason than ‘sports’ or ‘they asked to go’. Kids ask for all sorts.[/quote]
You are also continuing to cherry pick as ypu ignore the oart of my repsonse where I said I have none of benefits you ascribe to being educated at a day school near home, despite going to the local state school my whole life...

I btw do not anticipate sending my children to a boarding school, I don't believe that they are right for very child, and I think there are some parents who approach then with the wrong mindset (ie those that genuinely just want to get rid of their kids - a minority I suspect). But there are posters here whobhave given very reasonable explanations of why a boarding school was the right choice for their family, and I don't like that they are being constantly told that they must be wrong and be ruining their children's life. There is no way any one on the internet can tell from a few posts whether that is true or not...

@terrywynne if I’m being brutally honest, I think it is lazy parenting, and I can’t get away from that. I think paying to have someone else cook your child’s meals, do their laundry, do their homework with them and get them up in the morning is lazy. And I suppose it doesn’t sit right that those parents then go on to boast about how great their adult child is, when they didn’t put in most of the work to make it happen. And despite how much a child wants to go to boarding school, or what a great fit they are for it, I think they will always wonder why their parent was happy to let them go and miss out on so much of their childhood. Even if they don’t say it. I know my friend doesn’t - her relationship with her family is all fancy weekends away, the odd holiday etc. It’s like they’re still in ‘coming home for the weekend’ mode - just having fun and surface level chat. In her dark moments she doesn’t turn to them, she turns to me. I love her to bits and feel angry for how she has been treated I guess. I don’t think a sporting hobby is ever a reason for all of it.

😬 I will now put on my hard hat as I expect some pretty ‘blunt’ responses!

@Sidewalksue

My friend taught at one which took boarders from 6. She said the staff who looked after them were so sorry for them and didn’t really think they should be there. She did say she thought flexible boarding was great. They had quite a few children whose parents worked shifts as doctors or abroad a few nights a month so they stayed. As much as I was miserable at home and school I know it would have been a disaster for me as an introvert. I think not being able to get away from peers for many children would be hell.

Yes I think flexi boarding is a really good idea, seems to be a balance between having your main base at home but staying over when needed. I would be open to that with my daughter if it made logical sense, and isn’t much different from spending a night every week or two at a sleepover etc.

I've just watched the documentary someone posted and thought it was rather heartbreaking - especially that bit atthe ztart where April was joining Lottie & her mum for a day out and just wanted to cling to Lottie's mum who almost ignored her :(

Having said that, what comes through resoundingly on both this thread and the documentary are parents who are endeavouring to do the very best for their children and have weighed up their decisions very carefully. We can never know how our decisions, whatever they are, are going to affect children in the short or long term. Everything is, to some extent, a gamble and I believe that the majority of parents believe that they are doing the right thing.

As many pp have said, I thibk whether boarding is right for a child very much depends on the individual and their circumstances. I didnt board and think it certainly wouldn't have been right for me, however there was also a period of a few years where I believe the opposite.

The boarding school in the documentary looked idyllic, the lifestyle it gave its children is enviable but the emotional cost seemed very high for the children it followed. I was also concerned to see staff telling children that when they were upset, it upset their parents as I don't think this is something that children should be burdened with.

But it's deeply unfair to imply other parents dont care as much about their children because of their opinions and choices about boarding- its very starkly clear that the opposite is true.

In an ideal world, the opportunities that such schools bring wouldn't be limited to boarding schools, but they are and so with other parenting decisions parents need to weigh up and judge what is best for their child and hope that time will show they have taken the correct path, whatever that is.

@SwanShaped

Just wrote a post on previous saying I agree. The abandonment will have a lasting impact. And explains some emotional issues with adults I know.

My dad went from 7, and it was the done thing for army parents to send their children to boarding schools but even knowing that, he still has an issue with it

But that's YOUR definition of parenting, what a parent should do, what parenting is. For many many people, parenting involves childcare, nannies, etc. I pretty much outsourced potty training and learning to use a knife and fork because my kids were with a childminder while I worked. My kids often stay after school now to do their prep in a supervised session rather than me break my neck to pick them up then battle with them not wanting to do it. It's martyr ish in the extreme to say if you aren't on your knees from personally seeing to every need then it's lazy. It's smart parenting to recognise what dynamic will work best for all involved in your family. Mine are much happier coming home 45 mins later knowing there's nothing else they 'have' to do. It's not the same as boarding obviously but a similar principle. There's no parenting medal for doing it 'most' or best.

It's martyr ish in the extreme to say if you aren't on your knees from personally seeing to every need then it's lazy.

Being your child’s main carer isn’t martyrdom, surely that’s what you should expect when you have a child? If you can’t differentiate between after school clubs etc and your child LIVING at school for weeks at a time, then I don’t think there’s much more I can say to you.

[quote Gnomewithaview]@Fluffyghost

No it’s not normal to be FaceTimeing a 17 year old every night that’s correct. 17 year olds should be living at home and also living their own lives instead of being a cooped up in school 24/7

You sent him away and now he’s moved on, I’m sorry[/quote]
I left school at 16 after my highers (one of the youngest in my year and in Scotland) and went to uni. I also could have got married and joined the army but you think that her 17 year old shouldn't be boarding when he is clearly loving it?

I think we do need to consider the holidays as well. We have 3.5 weeks now over Easter and my boarding school girl is home. We will be spending it as a family as we always do (DH works though). We have booked a select few half days of the DCs favourite sports, but are trying to keep most of the holiday quiet and relaxing. Usually we would have friends of the DC over (not with Covid).

In the summer we have 10 weeks of family time, interlaced with a number of half-day camps if the DC find things they really enjoy. That is actually a lot of time for DC to spend together- and with me (since I don’t work, I am always around). We spent last summer in Italy, just hanging out together and swimming in the sea.

In terms of sports, I don’t think that sports interests should be dismissed so easily. If a child is very sporty and wants to play for the school team in multiple sports, it is hard to get all training in as a day school child. It gets very late in the evening before they get home and it can be exhausting. At a boarding school, all sports facilities are 5-10 min walk away and are slotted into the school day. For us, this was a key consideration.

I do think that boarding school can be harder on a sensitive, quiet child who doesn’t make friends easily. I think the happiest children are the very confident ones who easily assemble a group of new friends. But here, I think different school may suit different personalities.

I do think that boarding school can be harder on a sensitive, quiet child who doesn’t make friends easily. I think the happiest children are the very confident ones who easily assemble a group of new friends. But here, I think different school may suit different personalities.

Dc make friends easily and are not particularly quiet.

I know they wouldn’t want to go age 11 or 12 though. They value time at home a lot.

I like being there when my DC get up and I think it's nice for parents to help with homework (and my DC will not be going to boarding-school), but since when did cooking for your children and laundry make it into the cut of what is required to be a good parent? That's just the family drudgery that someone has to do... I don't think you lose any "parenting points" for outsourcing that .

Dont understand how sending them to boarding school promotes independance, that should happen gradually over time with your family at home....not farmed off for someone else to deal with their growing up.............

Personally, I would only send an already independent child to boarding school.

I would keep home any child who was sensitive, worried, easily thrown by things or generally needed more reassurance.

I would never send a child boarding who didn’t want to go.

But everyone is different, all children are different and we all make choices that we think are the best for our families.

My former flatmate and I were talking about this, and I was saying I might send my future child there. He told me to never do that. He remembered vividly how his parents drove him to his boarding school and he begged for his mother. He never forgot how she turned her back to him and walked away.

What struck me about this bloke was although both parents took him he really mostly never forgave his mother. It put me right off.

Now I have my own I can see how mine would NEVER get over such a thing, how could a small one understand it as anything but personal rejection? And YES they would blame me more than anyone else.

Now that we know much more about child abuse, bonding etc its time Britain got honest about the impact of this custom. Maybe its why so many of our politicians are so damned cold and uncaring. I shudder at the idea.