To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@ChequerBoard

Think what you like. I'll stick with what I, as an actual parent of two boarding children know to be true.

Both DC chose to go to their school from Y7 so at age 11. Options for local schooling were on the table, both chose the boarding option. They are weekly boarders so are at home every weekend, exeat and of course all holidays.

They have both thrived there, socially and academically. DD is now in Y13 and DS in Y9. They love being at home and family time at weekends is special for all of us. We have a great and very close relationship built on mutual trust and respect. They know we love them and they love us, unconditionally.

I have no doubt that boarding does not work for every child, but there are many for whom it works very well.

In my opinion boarding works when it's a mutual decision by child and parents.

I don’t see how anyone could take issue with this scenario.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'What's the point in having kids if you farm them off to boarding school and then get other people to bring them up.'

Well some love it apparently. Pps oblivious to the fact that they might love it if you sent them off to live in Centerparcs or Butlins but as parents it's our job to parent. Inconvenient and tiresome though that can be at times.

Schools are there to educate our dc, not bring them up.

As ever I need to congratulate you on THE most apt username I’ve ever seen.

my daughter started part time nursery at 18 months

And that is fine. That was your specific circumstances and the best choice for your family.

I was lucky to be able to be home (with some scraping to get by initially) and I loved the fact that I always was able to be there, at all drop offs and pick ups, from 2.5 years (3 hours pre-school per day) and at every school day, every pick-up, every play date. And at every sports game and every single performance. I know that I am extremely lucky and usually don’t really discuss it much.

Many here seem to be involved with armed forces and believe that boarding school is the best choice for their families. I think we can ask about their rationale and question why to get a better understanding. I think it is cruel and unfair to judge.

My oldest board. That was not a choice we took lightly (she was begging us), but due to her personality, how confident and sporty she is and given the specific school we let her board. Her headmaster recommended this school for her.

She comes home almost every weekend, we speak every day, email multiple times a day and she is home during all -very long- holidays. She also knows that if she would like to go to a day school, I would find her one immediately, come to her school, pack up her things and take her home.

I think life isn’t black and white and different things suit different people. I think it is important to try to understand each other’s motivations and learn from each other without judging. It is hard enough trying to do your very best for your family and raise your children to be confident and happy.

Another issue I have with boarding schools is that it weakens your sense of having a hometown, especially if the school is hours away.

You won’t make local friends, and feel like you really grew up there - it will just be a house that you visited at weekends etc. Which could leave you feeling quite baseless further down the line.

I also wonder whether parents worry about their children growing apart from their siblings. My friend was sent to a different boarding school to her siblings, and has always said they don’t really have a relationship - they once went for a couple of years without even speaking. No row, just not close. Yes I know this could happen to any siblings, but surely not really growing up with them makes it more likely?

'As ever I need to congratulate you on THE most apt username I’ve ever seen.'

Aw that'd be funny if it wasn't so unoriginal bot. 1/10 .

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'As ever I need to congratulate you on THE most apt username I’ve ever seen.'

Aw that'd be funny if it wasn't so unoriginal bot. 1/10 .

You must get it all the time 😁😄 10/10

That was your specific circumstances and the best choice for your family.

Well there wasn’t really another choice was there? Not go back, go on UC, end up losing the house etc? You can’t really compare that to sending your child to board because you think it would be better for their hobbies

@Bythemillpond

Promoting independence doesn’t mean living in your own ffs!

In my boarding school experience, it meant changing your own bedding, and putting your clothes away when they came back from the laundry.
It meant having self discipline around how long to read for before bed, and managing your time to fit in music practice etc.

While there is a lot of pastoral care, it was still on us to remember that Monday was the day towels got washed, and Tuesday was the day gym kits got washed etc

And as we got older, we had ‘house bank accounts’ which let us use our pocket money to buy little things, toiletries, snacks, stationery, presents for friends.
At home, we just asked for stuff in the supermarket so this was a way of helping me learn to manage money that I wouldn’t have otherwise got, and definitely helped me enormously in later life.

When I went to university, it was quite obvious to me which people in my halls had been to boarding schools.
They weren’t the ones screeching in corridors at 1am when they got back from the bars, they managed their own laundry, they didn’t steal food from communal fridges. They generally were just a bit better at living respectfully with other people and having clean clothes!

Obviously there were plenty of non-boarders who had this stuff nailed as well, but 100% of those who didn’t were the ones who parents had mollycoddled them (probably ‘savouring every moment’ of their childhood) and created 18 year olds totally unprepared for communal living.

As ever I need to congratulate you on THE most apt username I’ve ever seen.

I dunno, I think that needs to go to AnxiousPixie who says kids shouldn’t be attached to the apron strings!

minnie I live 300 miles from where I grew up. Most of my school and uni friends are similarly scattered and we feel fine thank you. You are bound and determined not to accept that people are different and have different needs and experiences. Parenting is not one thing, there are lots of different ways to do it. What makes it good or bad is how well it suits the individuals involved

@MinnieMous3

As ever I need to congratulate you on THE most apt username I’ve ever seen.

I dunno, I think that needs to go to AnxiousPixie who says kids shouldn’t be attached to the apron strings!

That would be the most ironic username

@MinnieMous3 good point about sibling relationships. Was just thinking how me and DB aren't close - not at all - and it makes me very sad. We could easily go a year without talking, he worked abroad pre pandemic so we barely saw him. We were so close as children, it really is a shame. Now that I have DC it does help a bit, he's an excellent uncle when he does see them. I am very sad about it though, and can't see us ever getting our relationship back on track.

And lots of siblings arent close for loads of reasons. Often one of them is that they were in too close proximity. You're scaping the barrel of reasons now.

You have your opinion and that is valid. IMO you are choosing to ignore and minimise benefits of boarding (for a child with a secure family life) because it does not agree with your narrative, again that is fine but why make a thread about it if you are not open to listening to others perspectives? I have agreed under 11 would require a deeper analysis of emotional development in that child (even older requires this assessment). However if boarding school was not successful and only offered hobbies, then it wouldn’t be so sought after and given the esteem it is. Independence is about taking on responsibilities, problem solving, understanding that some things are yours to resolve and requires personal drive while other aspects can take a team. As for sending off a 7 year old for 3 weeks (which I never said), is simply use of emotive language to attempt to undermine valid arguments... again why bother asking?

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school

And you never will, because you are not interested in the opinion of anyone who contradicts you and puts forward positive reasons why it can be a good thing.

Luckily nobody is obliged to consult you, or your opinions, when making the decisions about how to bring up their own DCs

Your concern for people not being anchored to their home town makes you come across as very parochial tbh
Or that you’re really scraping the barrel for reasons to dislike boarding.

DH lived in the same village for his entire life, but knows one person who still lives there. Everyone left for uni and ended up scattered around the country.
Even as a teen, his friends were scattered around the county. He made mates through his sports teams more than school.

Ps - still waiting for a response on where all those ‘loads’ of posts were from you clarifying that boarding is only cruel for under-11s...

[quote RevolvingPivot]@Sonofabiscuit that's interesting so far the military families replies have been option 1 and 2.
[/quote]
According to family gossip he had to change roles as she can't cope on own with children .
She doesn't have mental or physical issues just prefers todo things that she wants and feels make her appear middle class .Saying that nephew and niece are lovely .

@HugeAckmansWife

And lots of siblings arent close for loads of reasons. Often one of them is that they were in too close proximity. You're scaping the barrel of reasons now.

I did acknowledge that, but if you can’t see keeping them apart for months at a time affects their relationship, you’re in denial.

My sister and I only learnt to tolerate each other wen I went off to uni. In denial my arse!!

And lots of siblings arent close for loads of reasons. Often one of them is that they were in too close proximity. You're scaping the barrel of reasons now.

Totally disagree with this. 2 out of 4 of us went to boarding school. Such a weird dynamic to have in a family because 2 of the siblings barely knew the other 2.

Would not recommend it. One of my siblings I was very very close to. I was pretty traumatised when that sibling was sent off to boarding school
Plus each set of the 2 had a completely different upbringing to the other 2.

The company of other children, lots of activities, etc.

My DS (only child) joined his school at 11 as a day pupil and stayed over in the boarding house when I have travelled for work etc, and absolutely loves it. Now 13 he's pushing to spend more time at the boarding house because he has company his own age.

"I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school"

Your language is all wrong. My children were not 'sent' to boarding school. They CHOSE to go to boarding school.

To be honest OP, your DC is so young that you have no idea what might or might not suit them by secondary school age. You are speaking from a point of no knowledge and with more than a touch of sour grapes.

When my DC were as young as yours, I would never have thought boarding was an option for them. But it has been a good decision for us as a family. We turned down a scholarship at a day school for DD and a grammar school place for DS because the boarding option was a better fit for them and where they both, independently chose to go.

@ChequerBoard I begged my parents to send me to the under 18s night at a local nightclub when I was 12. They didn’t let me. I’m sure I would’ve had a great time, but looking back they made the right decision. I don’t understand how parents attach such weight to the opinions of children.

There are 23 pages now of anecdata. The anti BS ones seem adamant but as their experience or those they know of was poor, it can't possibly be right for anyone is an objectively bad thing. Those in favour have unanimously agreed that it is right only for some and are entirely willing to concede its not for everyone. Hmm. Rigid and dogmatic vs open minded and diverse. Which system seems to be doing better based on that?

@HugeAckmansWife

There are 23 pages now of anecdata. The anti BS ones seem adamant but as their experience or those they know of was poor, it can't possibly be right for anyone is an objectively bad thing. Those in favour have unanimously agreed that it is right only for some and are entirely willing to concede its not for everyone. Hmm. Rigid and dogmatic vs open minded and diverse. Which system seems to be doing better based on that?

I’ve said, in some circumstances it is the better option. And that I would be open to sending my daughter at 16.