To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@RevolvingPivot

I'm curious about the military families here.

1. How many kids are in boarding school?
2. Move around / change schools every time the parents is reposted
3. Live in one place with serving parent visiting home when they can / weekends / during leave / kid in one school.

We are group 2, just changing to group 3 with an 8&9yo. Looking at friends... Mostly group 2 at Primary, then either 1or3 for Secondary. However lots of soldiers stay in the same place for many years these days, so they are group 2.

Usual scenario I've seen is an older Primary child going to boarding school at the same time an older sibling starts Secondary boarding if they can go to the same school.

Only person I've known recently who has send children at 8yo was a disabled parent who didn't want her children being carers when her husband was away.

Friend of mine went to boarding school asking with her 3 brothers (weekday boarders heavily subsidised due to personal circumstances changing when her eldest brother already attended there) because her father died and her mother was trying to keep the family business going or they would have no income. She absolutely loved it.

Hoards board. Autocorrect fail!

@RevolvingPivot

I'm curious about the military families here.

1. How many kids are in boarding school?
2. Move around / change schools every time the parents is reposted
3. Live in one place with serving parent visiting home when they can / weekends / during leave / kid in one school.

Dps nephew /niece are boarders paid by military. Their parents have own house in uk ,he is military works at nearby base .kids come home most weekends . Brother in law hasnt seen a war zone or been posted out of uk for last 16 years. Sis inlaw works part time and loves to involve her self in military life . Both have admitted the military come before their children .

The constant falling back on sending 7 year olds to board as proof that it’s cruel is a straw man.

The percentage of 7 year olds boarding, as a proportion of 7 year olds and as a proportion of boarding pupils must be minuscule. And yes, I do find it weird boarding on cruel to send a child that young away for terms at a time but if there are more than 100 kids in that situation in the entire country, I’ll be amazed.

But it has very little bearing on the boarding experience for a 13,14,15 year old.

But it has very little bearing on the boarding experience for a 13,14,15 year old.

I have said repeatedly I’m referring to younger children (under 11) when I say it is cruel.

I think your view is quite limited. It really is very dependent on the child and what you feel the role of a parent is. In my view a parent is there to provide unconditional love and support and ultimately to help a child grow into the best person they can be. In many circumstances boarding school can help in this. Children are able to pursue what they love, their talents and are given responsibilities and learn independence in a way that they rarely do at home if their parents are keen on keeping them ‘children’ as long as possible (as well as learning more about interdependencies in communities). Also your viewpoint seems to be very focused on the parents wants and needs rather than the child being the focus. There will be some children who are not ready for that type of independence but in many instances that is because the parents want to keep the child as young as possible because ‘they grow up so quickly’. Neither view I would judge, and there are benefits to both but your perspective does seem limited.

You actually suggest you are talking about children under 16. Prior to 11 would require deep consideration as to how emotionally developed they are.

@MinnieMous3

But it has very little bearing on the boarding experience for a 13,14,15 year old.

I have said repeatedly I’m referring to younger children (under 11) when I say it is cruel.

No you haven’t! Your opening post LITERALLY says you are talking about under 16s

I’ve just looked at all your posts and there isn’t a single one that clarifies that you mean you get children.

In fact, you reiterate that you wouldn’t let your own child board ‘a day sooner’ than 16, and also talk about it being awful for 13 year olds.

Don’t lie on posts, OP. It’s not very clever when your posts can easily be read back.

@Sittingonabench

I think your view is quite limited. It really is very dependent on the child and what you feel the role of a parent is. In my view a parent is there to provide unconditional love and support and ultimately to help a child grow into the best person they can be. In many circumstances boarding school can help in this. Children are able to pursue what they love, their talents and are given responsibilities and learn independence in a way that they rarely do at home if their parents are keen on keeping them ‘children’ as long as possible (as well as learning more about interdependencies in communities). Also your viewpoint seems to be very focused on the parents wants and needs rather than the child being the focus. There will be some children who are not ready for that type of independence but in many instances that is because the parents want to keep the child as young as possible because ‘they grow up so quickly’. Neither view I would judge, and there are benefits to both but your perspective does seem limited.

Well firstly I don’t think it is limited because I’ve acknowledged it can be the best thing in exceptional circumstances, that flexi boarding can be a good thing, and that proper boarding is fine in older teens. I’m not saying it is ALL awful, full stop.

As for keeping them children for as long as possible... well yes, because an under 12 is a child I think your view of kids living at home is very limited, as you seem to think it means being tied to the apron string and prevented from following interests. There are clubs, summer camps, sleepovers, things like scouts and brownies, school trips etc. Which I would actively promote, to grow independence incrementally rather than ‘See you in three weeks darling’ as soon as they hit 7.

As for parents being selfish, well having children is a selfish act isn’t it? And I don’t see the point in doing it if you aim for their main care provider to be a school. If you think they will do a better job than you as a mother, then you need more confidence.

' love that they have the emotional maturity and strength to fly across Europe every six weeks, and it's no more of an issue to them than getting on a train'

'Maturity and strength'

If it's the only way to see their parents I suppose they just have to get on with it.

Why don't parents just parent? It'd be like buying a dog and sending it to live in the kennels just bring it home for fun times and holidays.

@GappyValley

I know they can be read back. My feelings on this issue are stronger the younger the child is. Personally I wouldn’t send my daughter to board at 13 or 14, but I accept that would be much better than 7 or 8.

@MinnieMous3

I think you have not said cruel under 11, my impression is that you find everything under 16 cruel and bad parenting. I think that is unnecessary and unkind to a lot of parents who are trying their very best to make the best decision for their children. Sometimes, depending on family circumstances, the child’s personality, the child’s age and the particular school I think it may be the right decision.

I am waiting for your reply as to whether you are a stay-at-home mum and if you kept your children home until 2.5 years old?

Since you seem to think that time with children are so important? And feel that you can judge other parents for having a different view?

The reason I am asking you this is that I gave up my career to be home with my children. I was with them for every milestone, didn’t send them to nursery until 2.5 years old and picked them up from school every single day.

My oldest wanted to board at 11. She does sports the whole time, loves the time with her friends and comes home almost every weekend. The headmaster of her prep said that often the popular, very confident children from secure homes were the ones who were thriving at boarding schools. And she is.

As I believe that you are criticising my (and many other’s) parental choices, I am keen to understand your views of the early years (which are the most crucial in my opinion).

[quote MinnieMous3]@GappyValley

I know they can be read back. My feelings on this issue are stronger the younger the child is. Personally I wouldn’t send my daughter to board at 13 or 14, but I accept that would be much better than 7 or 8.[/quote]
So where are all the posts where you repeatedly clarified you only meant it was cruel for under 11s?
I’ve just looked again and can’t see any

My DP went to boarding school at 8, as a chorister. It left him with some pretty long term, deep running issues. He didn't hate all of it and is still friends with some of his classmates, but he often says he was far, far too young. They had matrons take him to his Drs appointments etc, and I think he felt very unsupported.

There was also a culture of emotional repression, not being able to hug Mum for a good cry after a hard day or anything like that, which he still deals with the repercussions of and finds it difficult to deal with and express his emotions.

'am waiting for your reply as to whether you are a stay-at-home mum and if you kept your children home until 2.5 years old?'

Yes op come on did you send your dc to live in an institution? This poster not seeming to grasp the difference between daycare and actually living somewhere.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

' love that they have the emotional maturity and strength to fly across Europe every six weeks, and it's no more of an issue to them than getting on a train'

'Maturity and strength'

If it's the only way to see their parents I suppose they just have to get on with it.

Why don't parents just parent? It'd be like buying a dog and sending it to live in the kennels just bring it home for fun times and holidays.

Yeah I thought this as well...

This is all very disingenuous. The fact is, its not for you which is fair enough but it is for many other parents and children and the tone of this thread is unnecessarily critical and judgemental.

I am waiting for your reply as to whether you are a stay-at-home mum and if you kept your children home until 2.5 years old?

My daughter started part time nursery at 18 months. It was the longest maternity leave I could afford to take, and went back part time. I needed to work to earn money.

I’m pretty sure nobody sends a child to a 20k boarding school because they need to make money.

What's the point in having kids if you farm them off to boarding school and then get other people to bring them up.

I find it strange that people think sending a child to boarding school (whatever their age) is good for promoting independence.

That they would consider that a 7 year old or 11 year old or even a 15 year old should he independent is a strange concept.
Independence is about living on your own and fending for yourself.
Would you expect or even be allowed to let a 7/11/15 year old live on their own.

From my experience in a few cases it does the exact opposite and a lot of cases it goes to the other extreme that people are so independent they can’t form a relationship.
Or if they are in a relationship as they get older things do start to go wrong as the battle between independence and living in a family starts to show.

There also seems to be a narrative from those that did go to boarding school that those that were raised at home were mollycoddled or somehow over protected or weren’t able to have the opportunities that they had in relationship to extra curricular activities.
I am over protective of my children. That is my job as a parent. It doesn’t stop even though they are now both of working age. They had all the ECAs they wanted to do. Dd has made her career in one particular activity and is a qualified teacher in a couple of others all without ever going to boarding school. The rest of the population are also able to get a job without setting foot inside a boarding school.

I can't understand a parent starting a thread to slag off choices made by other parents when they are not having to make that choice themself and the choices by others has no impact in their lives whatsoever. (No mine didn't board but I have no issues with other choosing that if it is what they want).

@Sonofabiscuit that's interesting so far the military families replies have been option 1 and 2.

Think what you like. I'll stick with what I, as an actual parent of two boarding children know to be true.

Both DC chose to go to their school from Y7 so at age 11. Options for local schooling were on the table, both chose the boarding option. They are weekly boarders so are at home every weekend, exeat and of course all holidays.

They have both thrived there, socially and academically. DD is now in Y13 and DS in Y9. They love being at home and family time at weekends is special for all of us. We have a great and very close relationship built on mutual trust and respect. They know we love them and they love us, unconditionally.

I have no doubt that boarding does not work for every child, but there are many for whom it works very well.

In my opinion boarding works when it's a mutual decision by child and parents.

'What's the point in having kids if you farm them off to boarding school and then get other people to bring them up.'

Well some love it apparently. Pps oblivious to the fact that they might love it if you sent them off to live in Centerparcs or Butlins but as parents it's our job to parent. Inconvenient and tiresome though that can be at times.

Schools are there to educate our dc, not bring them up.