To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

That's interesting Siciliana, but in my nephew's case couldn't be further from the truth, he is very close to both of his very available and present parents but he's in a school he loves, has great facilities, he gets on great with the international students and would love the independence of it. Its not happening though!

Boarding school age 9 here. Royally messed me up. I have no relationship with my parents or sibling. It’s even more apparent to me now I’m a parent how awful it is. To make matters worse I recently discovered my school was 20 minute drive from my home for the last 6 years I spent there and I was a full time boarder no weekends at home. I literally loath my parents for that decision and having my own child has pushed my further away from them. I cannot comprehend a parent abandoning their children especially as my mother was a SAHM.

I went out with a son of a diplomat (UK) who was sent at 8 and he had to hold his little brother back from the car as his DPs drove away, mother crying her eyes out.. That, obviously, is a different story. He was very needy as a boyfriend but craved long term, serious relationship etc.. His mum never got over it.

Military culture and structures are bonkers when you look at them with modern eyes, though. If it weren’t for centuries of tradition they’d never get away with their practices.

Here’s a new type of career: you will live on site and can choose to bring your family. We will provide housing, but if you don’t want to live here then tough, because your wage won’t be enough to buy your own house. You will be moved every few years and we expect your family to come with you, or for you to send your kids to boarding school. We’ll pay for that, but if your family chooses to settle in one spot we’ll only let you go home twice a month. Our needs come first. We also may want you to kill people and risk being killed yourself. Despite these frankly shite terms and conditions we will only give you a decent pension if you stay for 7 year intervals.

DH was a Forces child and boarded from 8. He hated it, was bullied, and suffers from anxiety and depression as a result.

My OH was a forced kid and went to boarding school from age 10, he loved it.

He reckoned it made him independent however there are certain life skills that he had to learn as an adult, like money management, cooking, laundry etc which I learned as I was growing up ( I didn't go to boarding school).

It's also made him feel a bit different from the rest of his family as he was used to a degree of emotional distance from a young age. However he did get the opportunity to go to a beautiful school - gardens designed by Capability Brown, my rough comprehensive barely had any grassy bits!!

Swings and roundabouts

especially if you have a resilient, happy, easily adaptable child

Many resilient, happy and easily adaptable children get homesick. I think it’s unfair to attach negative qualities to dc who get upset at going.

If your employer said ok travel five days a week away from home would you easily adapt? Would you feel you were not resilient if you said no thanks.

This idea that it’s easy for children to leave home for periods of time is odd to me. Having boarded. I still think it was right choice in my instance but I’d avoid living where there are no suitable / good day schools for dc as a result.

Mine went when they were 13 and 15. Both had their own bedroom and shared a bathroom with one other girl. As I said, they came home for weekends, but the schools (they were at different schools) used to organise at least one activity one evening a week - like bowling, go-karting, theatre. It really isn’t like Mallory Towers any more.

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

I've done a count and know about 25 ish people who went to boarding school.

Out of interest, how many of them have sent their own children to board? At a rough count I know slightly more former boarders; not one of them has sent their own child to board, not even the parents who are in the FCO.

Lots of discussion of military families but the families of clergy often have to move every few years, and there is no continuity of education allowance.

Good question.

Of all the older generation in my 25, all bar one sent their kids. That other one doesn't have the funds and moved abroad to a country where boarding is less common.

Of the younger generation, in their 30s now, only one has children old enough to board, and their elder children do board or will do this coming September. Looking at the others I suspect 75% will, some won't (mostly financial others have partners who wouldn't agree or live in an area with exceptional day schools). Most would consider at 11/13 or older rather than any younger. So a mix bag, but no one in my sample of 25 has stated any strong objection to boarding if they were financially able.

I think the cost £40/yr is prohibitive for most parents.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

Military culture and structures are bonkers when you look at them with modern eyes, though. If it weren’t for centuries of tradition they’d never get away with their practices.

Here’s a new type of career: you will live on site and can choose to bring your family. We will provide housing, but if you don’t want to live here then tough, because your wage won’t be enough to buy your own house. You will be moved every few years and we expect your family to come with you, or for you to send your kids to boarding school. We’ll pay for that, but if your family chooses to settle in one spot we’ll only let you go home twice a month. Our needs come first. We also may want you to kill people and risk being killed yourself. Despite these frankly shite terms and conditions we will only give you a decent pension if you stay for 7 year intervals.

DH was a Forces child and boarded from 8. He hated it, was bullied, and suffers from anxiety and depression as a result.

And we will happily enlist you when you are sixteen years old, despite the fact that this means you will be a child soldier by every official definition and that we are the only country in Europe and the only permanent member of the UN Security Council which recruits children to the armed forces.

Thanks @BigPyjamas, that's really interesting.

@Carpetdrought

That is so sad, it really is.
I think when a person has their own children, they can look back at their own childhood and think WTAF... I cannot imagine you did this, now I have a child or children of a similar age.
It hits home.

Went to boarding school from 11-16. I enjoyed it.
Attachment issues? I'm quite a loner and not bothered if I don't see people. Have no idea if it's due to boarding school.
I would have sent my kids if they wanted to go.
One thing that has struck me is that you were definitely told you couldn't be a doctor if you weren't predicted straight a etc, the school I went to at 16 was much more if that's what you want then work hard you can do it.

@osprey24

my 2DC went to boarding schools from 7 1/2 to 17. They loved it, they are now in their 30's and are very happy we sent them. They were not challenging and we all had a great time together during the holidays. We are all still really close. You are talking garbage, or are you just jealous you can't afford to give your children the best education?

A lot of parents choosing to use it can’t afford it either. It’s paid for by government as one of the parents is in the forces. Also I think it was only in 2017 that 20% of independent schools were found to be failing but only 3 of the 1,000 (ish) tested were closed. So not necessarily the best education.

I’ve lived in the forces community, I do not feel comfortable with sending children to boarding to support your spouse in their job. Especially when it’s overseas tours and the non working parent spends their time attending tea parties, mess events and hosting visitors.

Dps nephew and niece both board .their dad is military so paid for .With certain family members they are treated like gods and can do no wrong due to boarding
Their nice kids but at times can get very snidey about people who haven't had same school experience as them..Spoke to nephew the other day and was like talking to a middle age man not a child .
Their parents and grandparents encourage them to feel their superior .As to the adults the only things in life that are important are what label clothes you wear ,make of car ,where you holiday and how much you earn .
I'm just happy my partner isint like it .

Whilst Dh loved boarding school his older brother hated it.

Whilst Dh was really in his late 30s before the full impact came through. He really couldn’t do family life with young children and a few other things which keep being added to as time goes on. His brother is in a worse position because he has never had a single relationship with anyone of any sort. Not even a friend.
He worked a very ordinary low paid job before he retired. Lived at home well into his 40s only moving out because he had to because of work and has an all consuming hobby that is something where there is no interaction with other people

Like Dh and his whole Boarding school going family he can’t deal with bad news. He won’t tell anyone unless someone gets suspicious and pries it out of him and then everything is apparently fine and to go back to your as everything is under control

It has led to some deep disturbing issues that are felt even today.
Dh can’t get over why his mother and brother didn’t tell him his dad had died for 3 weeks by which time he was already buried.

I bloody loved boarding school. I had the most amazing opportunities because of it and I’ll always be so grateful.

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

Thanks *@BigPyjamas*, that's really interesting.

I've been more scientific about it and worked out that of the 29 people that I know who boarded:

76% have sent their own children or would do in the future

10% would not board their children children as they object to it (2x political and moral reasons, one hated it)

The remaining 14% couldn't afford it and so I won't assume what they would do if they could.

And yet he refuses to tell me if something major has happened and prefers to try and handle it himself and fails

He can’t see the similarity between his behaviour and his family

My teens are Pad Brats too. They both boarded from Y9, and it's been fabulous for them. They have so many opportunities and enjoy all the sports facilities and friends they have unlimited access to.

I love that they have the emotional maturity and strength to fly across Europe every six weeks, and it's no more of an issue to them than getting on a train. I wouldn't have considered it for a younger child having said that. We would also have kept them at home if that had been either of their preference - but they would have had to change school every 3 yrs, which isn't great once you start getting to GCSEs and A-Levels.

It’s weird, all over MN the mantra is ‘your child, your rules’

I’ve seen support for people wanting to do Cry It Out with small babies, for women wanting to leave their small babies with grandparents for a week to go on holiday, even women being told that they shouldn’t stop unpleasant exHs being allowed to have unsupervised contact with children because he is their dad, even though he will almost certainly be neglecting them for the duration of contact.

But a boarding school thread! That’s when the allegations of neglect, cruelty and emotional indifference come out..?

All the posters ploughing in with links about boarding school syndrome - where are you on the threads about leaving 4 month olds to cry it out..?

I'm curious about the military families here.

1. How many kids are in boarding school?
2. Move around / change schools every time the parents is reposted
3. Live in one place with serving parent visiting home when they can / weekends / during leave / kid in one school.

DD1 would love it and actively choose it if she had the opportunity. DD2 would hate it. Depends on the child I guess.

I wonder having read a lot of this thread whether parents would send their children to boarding school at the age of 7 if they were told that there was a possibility that their children would never grow up to have a relationship with anyone. They might be getting rid of them for 11 years but at 18 they would return home and never leave. That for all the money they spent on their education their child would get a better job and better life just by sending them to the local comprehensive and them being there for them each day
How many if they thought it through would take that risk.
Even those that thrive at boarding school don’t come off unscathed in the long term.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

Military culture and structures are bonkers when you look at them with modern eyes, though. If it weren’t for centuries of tradition they’d never get away with their practices.

Here’s a new type of career: you will live on site and can choose to bring your family. We will provide housing, but if you don’t want to live here then tough, because your wage won’t be enough to buy your own house. You will be moved every few years and we expect your family to come with you, or for you to send your kids to boarding school. We’ll pay for that, but if your family chooses to settle in one spot we’ll only let you go home twice a month. Our needs come first. We also may want you to kill people and risk being killed yourself. Despite these frankly shite terms and conditions we will only give you a decent pension if you stay for 7 year intervals.

DH was a Forces child and boarded from 8. He hated it, was bullied, and suffers from anxiety and depression as a result.

I honestly regret having kids with a soldier. He missed our first child's birth due to being in Afghanistan and they hardly see him.

@MinnieMous3

I think you are coming across as judgemental and quite arrogant- you’re opinion is not the only valid one. You aren’t just saying you don’t understand it, or it would not be your choice. You are have called, or implied that, all parents (or nearly all) who do chose boarding for their lazy, neglectful, emotionally abusive, uncaring and cruel. Or tell them they should give up careers (and flipping career is not easy or possible- and actually, parents deserve to enjoy a career too)- without any thought it would seem for how they will support themselves. Or move to be near a suitable school, as if that can always be done. Sometimes there are ways that an alternative to boarding school could be found, but sometimes it is simply not viable.

Also, I’d say you seem to be focusing on what YOU want/need too- no less selfish than any of the other parents you castigate. What if your child wanted to take part in a sport, or play an instrument, dance, or something of that ilk and was very talented? You’d deny her the opportunity to do that/develop that skill (and in many cases, taking it up in their 20’s will not allow them the proficiency to carry it on as a career)? My very good friend took up a boarding place at a specialist school to allow her to concentrate on a sport at which she excelled, whilst also completing her education as a fall back. She has performed successfully at international level and now coaches at the same. Without that time at boarding school she could never have achieved what she has. She has loved school, competing and now the career she has. She is not emotionally stunted, does not struggle with relationships and has a close relationship to her parents, She has said she is so grateful to her parents for giving her that opportunity- we were talking today and I mentioned this thread. Her response? “I’m not sure I’d have forgiven my parents if they had made me stay at home and not allowed me to follow my dreams”. So you see, if you genuinely would never allow a sport/activity/skill to impact in “family life” as your child could “take it up in their 20’s”, no matter what your daughter wanted, you could be being every bit as selfish as parents who send a child to boarding school when it is clearly not right for that particular child.

My DD flexi-boards, as we live close to the school and I think it’s a good compromise as I personally don’t want her to board full time when we live 20 minutes from school- but at least I acknowledge that this is partly about what we as parents want, not just about her wishes. And I don’t think this has anything to do with her not having a loving family, happy home etc, as more than one poster has implied about any child who has expressed a wish to hoard. Just because I might not make that choice, I can’t condemn parents, whose circumstances I know nothing about and whose children I do not know, who make another choice for their own reasons.