To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

I know what you are talking about dugupdeadcat, I wonder if we went to same 6th form
I quite enjoyed it but the brutality for those who didn't was awful. The poor little boy boarders who arrived at 13 had to end things no less than criminal by these days standards. And their dads had usually been there as boys and sent their boys knowing what they were in for. That's what I can't understand.

“MinnieMous3
I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).”

It seems odd that you think it’s okay to send children with behavioural issues in the same country to boarding school, but can’t understand why parents who live abroad for work would send their kids to boarding school.

I went to boarding school in the 70s. It was a tradition in our family on my dad’s side so I never questioned it. I was there for a year as a day girl first though. I have many happy memories and made great friends, some of whom are still friends 40 years later. . We got quite a lot freedom in the senior school - more than I’d probably have had at home tbh.

Downsides are that I don’t think that single sex boarding is a good idea for girls with no brothers - I left at 18 with no idea how to talk normally to boys. Plus my schools friends came from all over the world, we lived in a small village and I had no local friends in the holidays.

So some negative experiences in boarding school doesn't reflect everyone's.

People are not really aware of homesickness unless they’ve experienced it. It’s not just about not fitting in I reckon 80% to 90% were homesick in first year. We moved past it as we got older and maybe dc are different these days, no idea.

But think about how you like to be at home. It can be the same fur children they’d simply like to be at home. Own room. Stuff and food.

I’m more likely to listen to ex boarders than people who go on about dc thriving. All the parents at our school said that too, regardless.

I can see the op's POV and the others pps' side of this.
I work in a school which has a boarding house. It's cosy, familial and the children are happy most of the time. It's a small school, so the boarding kids are more like a large family. We have army children, those whose parents work abroad, children who have lost one of their parents and children whose parents live just down the road. It's the two latter groups who have ended up having the most emotional issues understandably. I couldn't imagine sending dc away after losing a partner, but obviously it is the right decision for some families. Equally, I couldn't imagine sending them if the school was right on my doorstep, though usually this was due to some dysfunctional relationships at home.
My own dc have spent time in the boarding department (though not overnight) and when younger, always said they wanted to stay overnight as well. They thought it was like an adventure. Now they are teens, they say no way!
To the previous pp who said their dc treated it like a 3 week sleepover / PGL trip; I'd love to know which boarding school can provide that kind of environment?

I was a military kid so I can see the value of boarding schools in those circumstances = I hated being dragged from school to school. My parents used to use it as a threat (“if you don’t behave, we’ll send you to boarding school!”), which used to really upset me. I think they used the fact that I would cry at the prospect as some form of validation. Perhaps I’d have been better off at boarding school without them!

Look at Molly Weasley, eh?

She fucked them all off to boarding school as soon as she could.

Awful woman.

@osprey24

my 2DC went to boarding schools from 7 1/2 to 17. They loved it, they are now in their 30's and are very happy we sent them. They were not challenging and we all had a great time together during the holidays. We are all still really close. You are talking garbage, or are you just jealous you can't afford to give your children the best education?

Honestly love, cant imagine any loving parents are jealous of you.

[quote MinnieMous3]@BigPyjamas yes it was a blanket statement but there wasn’t room for nuance in the title.[/quote]
Wasn't room for 'sometimes' in the title or wasn't room for 'sometimes' in your goody argument?

Life is not black and white like Mumsnet would suggest. In real life, face to face. this would be a much more considered debate without being resorting to emotive language and extreme examples.

Boarding school, much like many of the other topics discussed on Mumsnet (toilet brushes, SAHP, having a pet, breast feeding) is subjective. It works for some and not others.

I think it depends on the family, the child, the age of the child the circumstances and the school. It can be brilliant and it can turn out badly.

I do think the OP is trying to shame parents who send their children boarding though.

@MinnieMous3 I still want to know, did you keep your children home until 2.5 and then send them to nursery only 3 hours per day? And are you a stay-at-home mum?

You are being unreasonable to generalise, it depends on the child - and you have to remember it’s very different to even 20 years ago - endless weekends out etc. Also, the vast majority of UK boarders are 13+, very few under 11.

Depends on the child but from 13 works well for many kids, lots of kids are very peer group focused by this age and do better with more independence than they would at home. Better relationship with parents by boarding. Most boarders are 13+

From 11 works fine for kids who are socially advanced, need lots of stimulation and reasonably grown up for their age. Tougher for late developers.

Under 11 is tough. Few UK boarders are under 11 - which reflects the fact it’s not a choice most parents would make unless they had too. It’s too young to leave family life in an ideal world. Having said that many prep schools are small and well run and the majority of children- while they might not feel it’s ideal - haven’t been long term damaged by it.

my 2DC went to boarding schools from 7 1/2 to 17. They loved it, they are now in their 30's and are very happy we sent them. They were not challenging and we all had a great time together during the holidays. We are all still really close. You are talking garbage, or are you just jealous you can't afford to give your children the best education?

Why so young?

I doubt it’s the best anyway

Plenty of very good day schools

The only people I know who have done it were asked by their sons if they could go. I don’t know how people send little kids though.

I can see both sides.
For me, what was important was that feeling that, as a parent, you largely abdicate the role of instilling your beliefs and values to your children, resorting to an institution to teach not just right from wrong, but the subtler, more nuanced concepts and values. You can't revisit a worry or concern your child might have at the end of the school day, your role as a parent and educator is transferred to others and you just have to accept that you have little or no role in these areas, which are actually potentially huge.
If you are happy that the ethics, beliefs and values your children adopt while at boarding school may not be yours, and that they will be moulded into a shape you may not recognise or embrace, then, for the parent, that's fine, especially if you have a resilient, happy, easily adaptable child.

Not against boarding per se, but critical of the contrast in life choices between those kids who go to badly funded state schools compared to those who go to selective, public boarding schools.

Those that went to public boarding schools and top universities are the political decision-makers and business leaders in our country. I'll leave it to you to decide if they're doing it well.

Imagine a system where public investment into education and all the ancillary services that go with it (wide choice of excellent after-school activities, healthy food, sympathetic pastoral care) was truly something politicians cared about enough to invest in. They could even offer the option of boarding for those families that needed it.

Good public education is the cornerstone of tolerant and just societies, wide economic and social opportunity and the UK is moving away from these values. Increasing selectivity in education e.g. through academisation, high value placed on the exclusivity and social cachet of public boarding schools etc is driving social divisions in the UK.

You have no idea what people serving in the military really do. My husband keeps people in this country safe every single day. You won’t hear about it in the news but you live safely in this country as a result of people like him working incredibly hard.

We make huge sacrifices, as do all military families, but somebody has to do it. The least you could do is not attack people who make sacrifices the good of this country and the people who live here.

@Chocolatefreak

Not against boarding per se, but critical of the contrast in life choices between those kids who go to badly funded state schools compared to those who go to selective, public boarding schools.

Those that went to public boarding schools and top universities are the political decision-makers and business leaders in our country. I'll leave it to you to decide if they're doing it well.

Imagine a system where public investment into education and all the ancillary services that go with it (wide choice of excellent after-school activities, healthy food, sympathetic pastoral care) was truly something politicians cared about enough to invest in. They could even offer the option of boarding for those families that needed it.

Good public education is the cornerstone of tolerant and just societies, wide economic and social opportunity and the UK is moving away from these values. Increasing selectivity in education e.g. through academisation, high value placed on the exclusivity and social cachet of public boarding schools etc is driving social divisions in the UK.

This is possible one of the most sensible posts on this thread....

(There are already handful of state boarding schools if remember correctly)

I've done a count and know about 25 ish people who went to boarding school.

Out of interest, how many of them have sent their own children to board? At a rough count I know slightly more former boarders; not one of them has sent their own child to board, not even the parents who are in the FCO.

Lots of discussion of military families but the families of clergy often have to move every few years, and there is no continuity of education allowance.

I think I would have loved it but didn't go. The idea that teenagers are spending a lot of their 'home from school time' with their parents is questionable, I definitely didn't. Mon-Fri there's not much spare time anyway so it's probably mealtimes and on the weekend big chunks of time were spent with friends. Assuming the child is happy to go and visits are regular, most I know go home at weekends, I don't see a problem. My nephew is in a school that offers boarding and he has begged for it, he's a day pupil and is in school 7.30 to 5pm anyway..

But obviously for a parent to willingly send their kids to one, demonstrates a certain detachment that most people don't have.

This 100%.

As for ‘the kids love it’ - well partly that’s because you’re not their trusted adult to tell things to and partly loving it doesn’t mean it’s good for them. I could replace parenting with letting kids kids have ice cream every night or abolish bedtimes or unlimited gaming and they’d love it. That wouldn’t mean it was good parenting or on their long term interests. In fact something that they’d be loving today could cause them long term damage down the road. That’s why I don’t do those thing. I parent.

As posted above, the horrors of the child's domestic experience might make them welcome what Churchill described as being sent to boarding school to be "bullied, buggered and beaten"

I boarded for a while as an older child. It's not like Enid Blyton but I have fond memories looking back. I was at an age where I didn't spend much time with my parents anyway, especially during the week when at day school.

You're usually back home in the holidays or weekends and nowadays every few weekends, outside of the usual holidays, boarders have weekend home breaks.

I can see why some people might think that, but most people I know who have been to boarding school really enjoyed it. There were constant activities available, a lot of support from staff and friendships formed that last a lifetime. For some career choices (military personnel and diplomats etc), boarding really is the best choice.

My parents used to threaten me with boarding school as a response to bad behaviour

I can understand why parents who travel a lot, or who often have to work abroad, would send their kids to boarding school. The alternative is dragging the kids all over the world and it's not always possible.

That said, I'm glad I didn't go because I was bullied a lot at school, and at least I could go home and get away from it for a bit. At boarding school I'd have had nowhere to go.