To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

Its hardly abandonment if the child has a say in the decision. In our case our son asked to join the boarding part of his day school, as he got fed up with school buses and saw that his friends were always had plenty of other kids to play football & cricket & FIFA with in the evenings. His sister has now made the decision (at 16) to board too.

I think there is way too much shaming of parents on here. We all do what we can and what we believe to be in the best interest of our children.

[quote CourchevelCornichon]@MinnieMous3 you can't expect to come here and say such rubbish about the military and not expect people to respond!

The military since WW2, has done HUGE amounts of humanitarian work, helping with hurricanes in Haiti and the Nepal Earthquake, for eg.

They've trained up foreign armies to help counteract terrorism, like in Nigeria where they've trained men and women to specifically find girls kidnapped by terrorists.

On Mt sinjar, ISIS had Yazididi people (mainly women and children) held captive. For days food and medicine couldn't get through. They were dying, women and children were being raped.

Airstrikes killed the ISIS fighters surrounding the hill, therefore freeing the civilians. With ISIS holding such a strong position and the desperate state of the civilians, it was a good thing we went and helped.

So please don't type such ignorance with no knowledge of what the armed forces ACTUALLY does.[/quote]
I acknowledge all of that, but I don’t think any of the military interventions since ww2 have been to any good end, and some have been absolutely disastrous and shocking.

@MarshaBradyo - yes, but as a daygirl. I'd love to have boarded though, the girls had so much fun.

I had been to 4 different schools by the time I was 7 due to my dad's job so at 8 I went to boarding school as a full boarder (no contact with parents other than 1 letter a week for 3 to 6 weeks at a time).
Despite the initial wrench of leaving my parents, I loved it. We had so much fun and freedom. I have no long term psychological damage and am still very close to my parents.

I personally wouldn't send my children unless I really needed to and even then I would wait till at least 10 or 11.

Oh and I totally forgot to mention the Navy, you know how much work goes into making sure crucial shipping routes are terrorism-free... so that the billions of £ of goods, including essentials like oil can get to us every single day?

The navy work 24/7 to ensure this.

Or quick reaction alert- 24/7 there are RAF men and women ready to protect our airways; monitoring our airspace with lauching typhoon jets to escort people out of our airspace, so we can sleep soundly in our beds.

Is that something good they've done since WW2?

I went to boarding school. I didn't love all of it, but I'm 28 now and have a far closer relationship with my parents than many of my friends who were day pupils. I don't think it's affected my ability to form attachments. DH would probably say I'm very independent, but he's in the military and often away, so it works in our favour that I am, really. I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship where we were in each other's pockets all the time, though. Whether that's related to boarding school or not I don't know.

I do find it frustrating how many people with no experiences of boarding school offer sweeping judgements of it like "cruel" etc. Sure, like any school, if its not the right environment for the child then they're going to have a bad experience but, also like any other school, there are good and bad bits to it and, generally, it can be a great option for some children and, in the case of military families etc., can offer far more stability than moving around all the time, which can only be a good thing.

I went to boarding school late (age 14) but absolutely loved it and most people had boarded there from prep and they loved it more than me - there was one girl I recall who wasn’t happy and she was one of the 3 or 4 day pupils who lived locally and never boarded.

I appreciate people have different experiences but it’s not inherently bad, cruel or giver of emotional scars as evidenced by direct experience of it being by far the most fun, friendly and supportive pastoral environment.

I acknowledge all of that, but I don’t think any of the military interventions since ww2 have been to any good end, and some have been absolutely disastrous and shocking.

I think we should just ignore the ignorant comments and comebacks from the OP now.

You asked. You got answers. But your comments suggesting people's career choices and schooling choices are ignorant and cruel and untrue. You're not even listening to what people are saying.

[quote MagicSummer]@MarshaBradyo - yes, but as a daygirl. I'd love to have boarded though, the girls had so much fun.[/quote]
Not sure if you’re on a Mallory wind up or not.

But you’d have to have gone to know the reality of boarding. Not just what it looked like from day position.

I acknowledge all of that, but I don’t think any of the military interventions since ww2 have been to any good end, and some have been absolutely disastrous and shocking.

Which ones Op? And how much time are we talking ref: the 60 years between WW2 and now were the interventions 'shocking'?

I like that you're choosing to ignore the 95% of other activity the military has done to help; training and helping foreign armies, civilians in their hour of need, domestic protection in the sea and air... keeping shipping lanes open, saving civilians from ISIS... let's just ignore all that because we went into Iraq (not the armed forces' choice).

I would have LOVED it. My brother would have HATED it. So it would have been "cruel" to only one of us. It's subjective, like many things in life.

I think it really suits some kids, and some kids hate it. I HATED it, but I think it probably saved the lives of some of the kids where I went. It wasn't a posh one, there were a lot of "looked after" children (I don't know if that's current terminology). A lot of them are still really, really close friends, more like family.

I was really miserable, and I think hating such a big chunk of your childhood can really colour the rest of your life.

Everyone's different I guess, but I think if a parent senses their kid isn't really suited to it it's not a good situation to ignore.

Db went at 11; I didn't board til sixth form. Had I boarded earlier, I might have avoided the fall out at 13 of my parents marriage imploding; I would have avoided the year of my Dad living with his mistress in Plymouth during the week, and coming home to Hampshire at weekends, when there would be rows, emotional abuse and playing at being a happy family for the outside world.

My db didn't know about any of this til my parents split for good when he was 21 and I was 24. I am the one at 55 who still has to deal with the after effects of it all, not him.

Dh boarded from 8, and tells me he enjoyed it. That hasn't altered in the almost 36 years we've been together.

I boarded at a state sixth form in Winchester, which saved my sanity. It was where we sent ds for A levels, as the timing of Dh's retirement from the RN meant we'd be moving back to UK in the January of Year 13. Ds was at an international school, so abroad with us from 10 - 16. I do some times wonder if boarding would have been better fit for him. Moving abroad to follow dh and have a family life after years of weekending cost me my career though.

It's not black and white, the decision to send a child to board. There are all sorts of factors at play that need to be considered.

@CourchevelCornichon well said. OP clearly has an axe to grind against anyone who doesn't agree with their sweeping generalisations. Sad, really!

@MinnieMous3

You are using very emotional language and seem to want to shame boarding school parents.

Are you a stay at home mum? I assume you would never have wanted to leave your children at any nursery before 2.5 years old and then only 3 hour a day?

I know two brothers who went to a military boarding school, I think from when they reached secondary age. Their dad was in the army, which entitled them both to places at this particular school. Their parents asked them if they wanted to go, and they did. I'm good friends with the younger brother and he has nothing but good things to say about his time there. He did once have a problem with a bully and ended up in a fight, but his dad went up to the school (a good 300+ miles) to sort it all out. He talks about his parents a lot too, he clearly has a great relationship with them and he speaks to them regularly. I think he'd agree that boarding school isn't for everyone, but he loved his time there.

Op I think your points are spot on. I think there are uncomfortable mirrors being held up to some parents and hence the reactions.
I do think some people tick the parent box but don’t want to deal with the day to day grind of parenting, which is wonderful but also challenging of course. They justify it with - it’s the kids choice, academia etc
My school offered boarding. I was so thankful to my parents that I wasn’t a boarder. Many of the boarders were unhappy and wanted to go home. My niece is also at a school which offers boarding. Like many kids she loves Harry Potter and has boarded a few nights to experience it and be with friends. However, she said she would miss her parents too much to do it full time.
Do kids get to properly sample it before making these choices? I don’t know. I wouldn’t like to be making a choice at 13 or younger and then left stuck making the best of it. I probably would convince myself it was wonderful as I was stuck and to avoid disappointing my parents.
My mum, especially, had such a pivotal role in my upbringing and we are so close. I can’t imagine turning to strangers when vulnerable as a child and not my mum. I can’t imagine my friends being more my family, than my siblings. I did very well academically and have a great job, I managed that as a day pupil in the same school as the boarders as we attended the same lessons!
If jobs mean constant moves, change career.
I don’t think there are any reasons to board.

@MinnieMous3 if your daughter came in one day and said she was planning on joining the Army as a linguist or the RAF as a pilot, what would you say? I'm genuinely interested!

OP - prestige hockey and rugby. Seriously.

My DS was bottom set in everything, not good at hockey or rugby, football, cricket etc.

It was a teacher at his school, who said - go and look at this school - this is not working for DS1. There is a good brain in there but we are not engaging it. We looked at the school, DS liked but did not want to board - so not happening, we soldiered on. Year later and having had a weekend camp in said sport - he asked if we could have another look. We discussed the pros and cons and the cost. That included moving to make it easier, effect on DC2 etc etc.
He said, can I see if I can get in- because if I can't --then that answers everything. He tried got an offer and then a scholarship!

He is now passing everything and well think 70% + in most subjects, more confident, loving the sport and doing well.

I have a happy child who was sinking at our local state school - the best advice we were ever given was to consider this school. The sport is a bonus - the happy child at school and at home is the bottom line.

Second child not interested and doing well where they are.

One size does not fit all - in my family two individual solutions that suit both children

This is very much aimed towards shaming parents who send their children to boarding school. It's not about listening to people's experiences to gain a better understanding of what boarding school is like. I don't send my child to boarding school but no issues with parents who do. My school, non boarding was shit and left me with mental scars for years, but I don't think that's reflective of all standard schools. So some negative experiences in boarding school doesn't reflect everyone's.
And don't insinuate the parents don't love or want to be with their children, it could be as simple as it's what the children want to do or better than them constantly moving around schools.

You can tell the OP has sod all knowledge of what the military actually does. How about the Falklands, Kosovo, Bosnia, the Armilla Patrols, the deterrent, keeping sea lanes open, combating piracy, etc etc?

Really, it does depend on individual circumstances and schools have to be chosen very carefully. I certainly don't like the idea of sending a child away to school at a young age but if they wanted to at 13 and liked a particular school (or the idea of it), that's fine. If it isn't a million miles away and they can come home for a lot of weekends, even better.

It's very important that the child likes the school. If they are unhappy they must be able to return home and go to school somewhere else.

I hated boarding for two years but I was something of an oddball, didn't really fit in at any school. I can't say I liked being at home either. I was very glad to have a child who loved home, had some ups and downs at school regarding what he was supposed to do work-wise but he was a confident chap and unbothered. Made lasting friendships and was well respected. He would have hated boarding but that was never on the cards.

My husband won a scholarship to a boarding school but didn't want to go so he ended up at the local grammar.

We must listen to our children, their needs are paramount.

Bellabelloo Its good your family are so independent and well travelled .However my DS (Always good at Maths /Sciences) did not pass the 11 plus and went to an All Boys state school.However he has an MSC from a Russell Group Uni ,and has a good job in Industry .Has travelled extensively and with his company as well.He has always been driven and hard working .We have always been ambitious for him and our family as well .

I hope that OP and other posters on this thread talking about having a 'proper family life of savouring every moment with their child, realise just how privileged they are to be able to have that 'proper family life'and judge others who don't.

There are hundreds of thousands of families around the world where the parents either leave their children behind for years so they can work abroad for better wages, or send their children to boarding schools because it is the only way they will get an education. Do they not love their children because they don't see them every day? Even though they are making huge sacrifices for their children? And yes some of those children will be affected and may never have a good bond with their parents but the alternative may be even worse.

I do understand that many people have a terrible experience of boarding school. Just as many have a bad experience of a day school. But there's an awful lot of judgement and not much empathy for others on display here.