To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@bogoffmda a teenager staying at school a few nights a week is very, very different from an 8 year old being at school for weeks at a time. I don’t think anyone would call you a ‘Disney’ parent in your circumstances.

@Missdread

"I don’t think army personnel are ‘heroes’, it’s great they’ve helped with covid (like many, many others) but generally I don’t find engaging in warfare to be admirable."

OP this is really unreasonable!!!! Laughable actually!

Why?

Bullying was a huge problem, sharing a lesson or a play time with someone who bullies you is bad enough, there are children at boarding school who have to share a bedroom with their bully.
This. There are lots of posts talking about children having all this wonderful time with their friends, but even without actual bullying, school life generates meanness and fallings-out. My dd doesn't come home from school and spend hours having cosy chats with me, she's up in her room like most teens, but that daily space away from any peers who she might not be comfortable with, or friends who've been a bit mean that day, is essential, imo. I can't imagine how she'd cope if she had to spend 24hrs/day with them all. Children may say everything's fine if they're asked, but they often don't want to talk about the less fine things going on.

A dear friend of mine sent her youngest child to boarding school. It was the only way to get her SEN child the education he deserved. She lived for Fridays when he would come home and hated Sunday evenings when he went back. BUT he needed the education and therapies he got at school.

He’s a lovely young man with a very close and happy relationship with his parents and older sibling. He has a job (when his parents were told he’d never be a functioning part of society) and now lives at home with his loving family.

[quote MinnieMous3]@bogoffmda a teenager staying at school a few nights a week is very, very different from an 8 year old being at school for weeks at a time. I don’t think anyone would call you a ‘Disney’ parent in your circumstances.[/quote]

In which case OP I think you have just disproved your own title.

You would clearly now agree, based on this post, that 'boarding school can sometimes be cruel and in some circumstances appropriate'

The "Army personnel" of who you speak who "engage in warfare" every day...where do I begin? The armed forces are made up of soldiers, pilots, seamen, engineers, doctors, nurses, lawyers, admin staff, logistics personnel, air traffic, supply chains, padres and chaplaincy staff, teachers, intelligence, the list goes on. You are being completely and utterly unreasonable in your suggestion that armed forces personnel are running around starting "wars".

YABU. I didn’t board nor will my children, but it’s a valid choice for some parents and children, just as choosing to be a stay at home parent or a working parent is a valid choice.

My school took boarders. Noneof them were there because their parents couldn’t be arsed, or because of hockey or whatever other crap people are saying. Lots were Forces children, some were children who’s parents had to travel abroad for work, some lived too far from the school to travel daily, so we’re weekly boarders, and some - gasp, horror - boarded weekly because they liked it!

My daughter is a flexible-boarder. She started as a day pupil but after a term was begging me to allow her to board. It’s not cruel, I know she does not feel abandoned and is a well adjusted young person.

It’s not for every child, but it’s not bad for every child either.

@Missdread

The "Army personnel" of who you speak who "engage in warfare" every day...where do I begin? The armed forces are made up of soldiers, pilots, seamen, engineers, doctors, nurses, lawyers, admin staff, logistics personnel, air traffic, supply chains, padres and chaplaincy staff, teachers, intelligence, the list goes on. You are being completely and utterly unreasonable in your suggestion that armed forces personnel are running around starting "wars".

I didn’t say they engage in warfare every day. But the overall function of the military is warfare, and I don’t think the army have done anything good since ww2. But let’s not derail the thread.

I am a fan of boarding schools - for the children who suit it and like it. There's no doubt that, bar a few exceptions, the experience produces a well-rounded child, able to get on with people in social situations, instilling in themselves the need to order and prioritise their school work. Parents get term time to themselves without all the stress of making sure the kids have clean clothes and the kit they need every day, and without arguments about homework and not wearing correct uniform. They then have all the (longer) holidays to devote to their child and make sure they all have a jolly good time. I'm all for it.

@Missdread

"I don’t think army personnel are ‘heroes’, it’s great they’ve helped with covid (like many, many others) but generally I don’t find engaging in warfare to be admirable."

OP this is really unreasonable!!!! Laughable actually!

Really? shocked

@BigPyjamas yes it was a blanket statement but there wasn’t room for nuance in the title.

Neither me or my dc's have ever been but I think it really suits some teens.
I'd love to pack mine off on a Sunday evening and see them Friday tea time.

Parents get term time to themselves without all the stress of making sure the kids have clean clothes and the kit they need every day, and without arguments about homework and not wearing correct uniform.

😳😳😳

Minniemous I see your point and would not wish mine to go even if I could afford it.However many people dont see as much of DC as they would like to .Many Schools offer before /After School facilities and they are well used .Sadly not many people have a Mum /Dad who is there 24/7 these days .I count myself fortunate as I have been a SAHM for a long while ,and my DH was normally home for bedtimes .However I think circumstances are different for everyone .Some children are independent by nature and will take to being away from home .I would not judge someone elses choices as every family is different

I have to agree with Minniemous3, I cant get past why you would not want to bring your own kids up?

Boarding school is acceptable because it is a seen as a posh privilege. If working class or deprived families fobbed their dc off in an institution it would be seen for it is, a dereliction of parenting.

We live in a town with lots of military. Every family I know with school aged children have opted to settle with military partner working away during the week. I think this is far more normal now. We did this ourselves (not military) and it really isn’t that bad. There are lots of jobs where people have to relocate or work away for a time. In no other industry would it be considered normal to make your family traipse round after you.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'think a lot of boarding school parents see their child as a measurement of their own success, and value prestige and hockey prowess over family time.'

Yes what is it with hockey and rugby?! I want ours to be top in maths and science not good hockey players. Who gives a rat's ass about sport once they're in employment anyway. Leaderhip and team ethos can be taught better in other scenarios imo. Family time is far more important than trophy cabinets.

Sports are often used to give children an outlet for emotions, as for some boarders it is the only emotional outlet they have. A tool to mask ACEs.

I think for some families it is probably much less disruptive than to have to move the whole family around a lot and for children to constantly have to change schools. I think it all comes down to family circumstances

Boarding school is acceptable because it is a seen as a posh privilege. If working class or deprived families fobbed their dc off in an institution it would be seen for it is, a dereliction of parenting.

Meant to add, I 100% agree with this ^^

I boarded from the age of 11 because my parents were overseas. I started boarding in a fabulous day school that was about 20% boarders. It was OK, I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either and it was a pretty miserable experience, although I was reasonably happy at times and still have friends I made there now, 35 years later.

I left there at 16 to do 6th form boarding in a very well known public school that had just turned co-ed, and it was a horrible dog eat dog environment where I was mercilessly bullied, leaving me with trust and abandonment issues for life. I have no desire to be in contact with anyone I knew there and no desire to ever visit the place again.

My own DD now attends the same girls school I went to at 11, as a day pupil (it stopped boarding in the early 90's) and she is absolutely thriving. Would I ever send her to boarding school? Over my dead body. I'd home educate her first.

@Dingleydel

Boarding school is acceptable because it is a seen as a posh privilege. If working class or deprived families fobbed their dc off in an institution it would be seen for it is, a dereliction of parenting.

Meant to add, I 100% agree with this ^^

Omg yes , very very true indeed

@MagicSummer

I am a fan of boarding schools - for the children who suit it and like it. There's no doubt that, bar a few exceptions, the experience produces a well-rounded child, able to get on with people in social situations, instilling in themselves the need to order and prioritise their school work. Parents get term time to themselves without all the stress of making sure the kids have clean clothes and the kit they need every day, and without arguments about homework and not wearing correct uniform. They then have all the (longer) holidays to devote to their child and make sure they all have a jolly good time. I'm all for it.

Laughing at this

Do you go to boarding school?

@MinnieMous3 you can't expect to come here and say such rubbish about the military and not expect people to respond!

The military since WW2, has done HUGE amounts of humanitarian work, helping with hurricanes in Haiti and the Nepal Earthquake, for eg.

They've trained up foreign armies to help counteract terrorism, like in Nigeria where they've trained men and women to specifically find girls kidnapped by terrorists.

On Mt sinjar, ISIS had Yazididi people (mainly women and children) held captive. For days food and medicine couldn't get through. They were dying, women and children were being raped.

Airstrikes killed the ISIS fighters surrounding the hill, therefore freeing the civilians. With ISIS holding such a strong position and the desperate state of the civilians, it was a good thing we went and helped.

So please don't type such ignorance with no knowledge of what the armed forces ACTUALLY does.

Copied:
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There's no doubt that, bar a few exceptions, the experience produces a well-rounded child, able to get on with people in social situations, instilling in themselves the need to order and prioritise their school work. Parents get term time to themselves without all the stress of making sure the kids have clean clothes and the kit they need every day, and without arguments about homework and not wearing correct uniform. '

Hang on, this is called, err parenting?