To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

Depends on kid's home life, kid's personality & kind of school. Some thrive in boarding school. For some parents it allow them work hard all week & then w/e time is family time rather than juggling & struggling Mon-Fri each week. I went to a mixed boarding/day school. It has an excellent record & some children of high profile parents went to allow them privacy as children & in school they were the same as everyone else...outside world, treated very differently & almost stalked. Most boarders don't have any worse issues than day pupils living at home. Some said boarding school literally was their safe place...one had parents who just rowed all the time & should have separated/divorced but it wasn't the done thing at the time, another had a mother who was a raging alcoholic, some parents were in top top jobs & literally gone from 6am to midnight or away much of the week, some parents were deployed, some parents were literally rockstars & at times abroad for months (kids would jet set at weekends) Our DP's reason, school concentrated on a specific sport that DB excelled at & it was becoming increasingly difficult to continue at his elite level from home...long roundtrip to training many times a week, parents working, other kids in family. It gave him opportunity to give it his undivided attention (and get a fab education) & succeed. There are many many reasons why boarding is chosen. OP seems to have this idea of perfect parenting as being attachment parenting, this absolutism... watch out OP...the smothering parents can do harm too that only emerges in offspring years later. And some kids should not be left with the families they are born into....separate issue ...but if at least these parents have the insight to recognise that boarding offers something that their life circumstances doesn't or cannot & they have the money to buy stability, security, privacy, education & care for their children, then it could be absolutely the best thing for everyone, especially the child. Boarding schools are not locking them up, locking them in (well a bit, but you have to at home too!) & feed them gruel & leave them cry all day long. Let parents decide what works for them & their kids. OP, ypu can decide what works for yours & hope to sweet jesus that you get it right too!

'I dont understand by people have kids then send them to boarding school?!'

The trophy cabinet is impressive it seems. Honestly, our teachers are brilliant but I just could not imagine the school staff being a substitute family. It is just plain weird. So much enabling goes on on boarding school threads. 'My kids love it' seeming the best argument, I mean kids would probably love many things that aren't good for their emotional development, that's what parent are for. To parent.

Dc are supposed to leave home when they are adults! you know university age, not as young kids 🙄.

@Missdread

Most boarding schools don't allow children to board until Year 3 (7-8 years old) at the earliest. This is very goady imo!

My ex was the buildings manager at a small private prep school, and he used to do one of the school bus runs morning and evening. They had boarders from 4, but at least some of them only boarded Mon-Thurs when parents were working in London.

That rather shocked me, I must admit. The ones he knew lived fairly locally too, about 12 miles from the school, and only 60 miles or so from London.

I've no idea how much the fees were, but I'd have thought that forking out a bit more for a nanny or an au pair might have been a better option for such young children.

The school was lovely though, they had 3 or 4 children in each bedroom, they had plenty of their own space, that they could personalise, lots of outdoor space and the beach just across the road and it had a very warm, homely feel. There were 3 matrons who all seemed nice and the kitchen staff were really kind. When we got our puppy, the kindergarten teacher asked if we would take him to school for the children to meet, which I thought was really sweet. And that dog loved children for the rest of his days!

It felt like a proper little community, but I still found it sad.

I went when I was 9. Knew nobody there. Travelled by train on my own. I had a 10 shilling note to take a taxi from Liverpool St to Waterloo and told to keep the change for the return journey.. Loved every minute and every year of it. Thought I was immensely lucky to go.

Lots of I couldn't let them go cause I want them close to me, I think that's just as selfish as the parents sending them to boarding school cause they can't be arsed to parent.

Hahaaaa! As it goes I think attachment parenting, or any parenting ‘style’, is wanky and ridiculous.

But of course young kids should be with their parents. If not, why wait until childhood? Just send them to live with a nanny as a baby and straight to boarding school from there.

Like I said if my daughter asked to board at 16 I would let her. I’ll encourage her to go to sleepovers, summer camps, school trips etc - but her base, her home, will be with me. I will be the person who is her primary carer.

@SpeakingFranglais

If I was in the forces and had the chance to send my DC to the best schools in the country for a tiny percentage of the cost, I’d do it.

I had a friend when I was 18 who had been in boarding as her family were in the forces. She hated it and was resentful with her parents as she felt they did not know her. I had another friend in her late 30s who was sent to boarding school and spoke with real bitterness against her parents for sending her there, and felt that her parents did not know her. She was scornful when they declared that they had done a really good job in raising her as she felt they hadn't, the school had. I had another friend who spoke of her niece a few years ago crying and begging her parents not to send her back to the boarding school after the holidays. They still sent her.

I've known others who felt it badly affected them too. From this thread there are clearly some who like it but I there are clearly those for whom it doesn't work or for who just resent their parents for sending them away.

They had boarders from 4

Incredible.

We (three sisters and I) all went to boarding school as we were a forces family. The army paid an allowance. My parents had a different posting every three years and it wasn't considered practical to move schools in each posting but just to stay at one school.
I wasn't happy at school. Though I loved the travel, we were picked up by a firm that provided what they called a Universal Aunt, someone employed to specifically meet the child from school and to take them to the airport to catch their flight. As an "unaccompanied minor" the airlines really looked after you and it was always fantastic to see your parents waiting when your flight arrived.
I don't have children and if I did I wouldn't send them to boarding school. I didn't feel abandoned but I can't say my school days were the best days of my life.

'He is thriving academically, socially and he comes home at the weekend with all homework done and the aggro levels are minimal'

'Aggro levels'. Aka parenting. Being a Disney parent I'm sure is not stressful in the slightest but those 'aggro levels' where we teach and communicate are as vital as their social lives.

'They had boarders from 4, but at least some of them only boarded Mon-Thurs'

Omg why would they do it, seems cruel to me. I'm all for private education but boarding at 4?? Just hire a live in nanny.

Oh and I am an Army brat - who did not get sent to boarding school - 8 schools!

Loved my education it worked for me - would absolutely fail my DCS and they would need the stability single schools provide.

Would your exceptionally talented child want to turn down a fully funded place at, say, the Royal Ballet School? About 12 places each for boys and girls. Worldwide competition for places. It’s a boarding school. Yes, you could “simply” move closer and keep your child at home and have them go as a day pupil, if you could afford to live in a very expensive bit of London.

Boarding school, private school, state school, home ed - there are good and bad. What works for one family and their DC’s wouldn’t work for another. One child will be bullied at state school and another at boarding- no two schools are the same.

age 4?? Any age under 11 is just wrong to board but even at 11 theres no way! Maybe at 16 and they really wanted to m but as parents we would miss and not be involved in those last teen years. Family and time is just so important, way more than a good education surely?

My mother went to boarding school from 4, mainly because her mother was really unmaternal and was more interested in playing the field whilst my grandfather worked abroad. She was really quite seriously fucked up by it, not that she would ever have admitted it.

@AnxiousPixie yes! It’s often about the parents (‘oh I couldn’t do that, I would miss them’) without for one second giving a thought to what might suit the child.

To be fair most for people it’s not even a consideration anyway, as it’s phenomenally expensive, so it’s never property been on their radars, so they think it’s just ‘sending them away’. My DD is far happier now than she was spending half her life in the car, getting up at 4.30am, at her under performing day school where she was ignored in her giant classes of 34.

It’s not about us, it’s about her.

It felt like a proper little community, but I still found it sad

Yes it is sad. Children need a primary care giver (no and its not selfish that parents want their children with them - they are evolved to want their young children with them as children desperately need a caring stable relationship with a primary care giver)and are well able to tell the difference between someone paid to look after them and an actual parent.

At age 4 more than sad - barbaric what are they thinking?

It’s their dc so not harming anyone outside the family. But still there are other options

'Yes it is sad. Children need a primary care giver'

Exactly. They may say love their childminders but you wouldn't send them to live there.

Boarding school is acceptable because it is a seen as a posh privilege. If working class or deprived families fobbed their dc off in an institution it would be seen for it is, a dereliction of parenting.

[quote Chickenriceandpeas]@AnxiousPixie yes! It’s often about the parents (‘oh I couldn’t do that, I would miss them’) without for one second giving a thought to what might suit the child.

To be fair most for people it’s not even a consideration anyway, as it’s phenomenally expensive, so it’s never property been on their radars, so they think it’s just ‘sending them away’. My DD is far happier now than she was spending half her life in the car, getting up at 4.30am, at her under performing day school where she was ignored in her giant classes of 34.

It’s not about us, it’s about her.[/quote]
I don’t think you quite understand the point I am trying to make.

I think a loving family life is the number 1 thing a child needs. Their hobbies and sports will probably slide away by the time they’re in their 20s, will it be worth it then to look back and see all the time you lost with them?

People that want their kids to live with them aren’t needy anxious parents, they’re simply parents - they want to parent their child themself, rather than leave it to a paid member of staff. Why have children otherwise?

I think a lot of boarding school parents see their child as a measurement of their own success, and value prestige and hockey prowess over family time.

Getoffyourhigh horse: you really are not pleasant.

I am a single parent so there is absolutely no Disney parenting going on. What he is getting are good male influences in his life - who can talk to him in ways I can not as his mother. Sad that his father is unable to but I can do nothing about his attitude to his children.
3 nights per week is not abandoning my responsibilities, he has an outlet for his raging testosterone - sport and is calmer. Lockdown has shown that this is his coping mechanism - we have had plenty of time to discuss boarding and not boarding - it gives him space from his mother and his words - I appreciate you and home when I come home.
It has also taught him discipline - he is more hygenic and he is not as messy because at school, sport gets removed if they do not behave.

Like I said - different children, different circumstances .

Disney parent - so far from the truth - single registered disabled parent doing the best for her DCs might be closer!

I know lots of people who send their children to boarding school (at age 13) and their kids are really happy there. If they weren't then they'd take them out.
@MinnieMous3
I suspect you only have small children, having an independent 13 year old is very different to a young child/baby who is dependent on you.

I agree though about much younger children, but there are very few prep boarding schools in this country.

@MinnieMous3

I simply cannot get past a parent choosing to let staff parent their child more than they do, and not seeing them for weeks at a time. It doesn’t matter what great facilities the school has, or what a jolly time they have there, I just couldn’t sleep at night knowing my child was so far away from me.

This kind of shit is why this threads go south and why I'll be reporting you. It's such a goady dig at parents who make the opposite decision to you and you get to frame it as "you're a bad parent and I love my child more". What are you so self conscious about in your own parenting that makes you go on such an attack like this (again)?

'think a lot of boarding school parents see their child as a measurement of their own success, and value prestige and hockey prowess over family time.'

Yes what is it with hockey and rugby?! I want ours to be top in maths and science not good hockey players. Who gives a rat's ass about sport once they're in employment anyway. Leaderhip and team ethos can be taught better in other scenarios imo. Family time is far more important than trophy cabinets.

@BottleFlipper report me then 🤷🏼‍♀️ They’re having ‘goady’ digs back such as I’m probably jealous I can’t afford it etc, it’s called the rough and tumble of debate. You don’t come on threads like these not to see some provoking opinions. I won’t be reporting anyone as I expect it and appreciate people are entitled to their opinion.

"I don’t think army personnel are ‘heroes’, it’s great they’ve helped with covid (like many, many others) but generally I don’t find engaging in warfare to be admirable."

OP this is really unreasonable!!!! Laughable actually!