To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

Mine were both weekly boarders for part of secondary. DD2 was fine, DD1 less so. DD1 pleaded to be able to go to the school she went to (it was an international one - we came back to U.K. too late for her to go into the U.K. system, so she did the IB) and hated it for at least the first year. Her head of boarding told her that she had two choices: to decide to be miserable for the rest of her time there, or to make the effort to make friends and join in. The decision was hers, and hers alone. He sent her home to think about it.

We offered for her not to board, but the journey to and from school was over an hour, she did lots of sports and drama, so wouldn’t have got home before 8.00 at the earliest most nights, and would have had to have left home at 6.00 in the morning to get to school for 8.00. She decided (rightly) that this was unsustainable. By the end of this school year, she was like a different person. She had made friends, and we often had a house full of girls staying over at the weekend, as they went to concerts, films, shopping, and, later, clubbing.

Attending boarding school under the age of 10 is an ACE. The more ACEs you have increase your likelihood of obesity, depression, heart disease, stroke, premature death, just to name a few.

My partner boarded from eight years old, he really disliked it, the school wasn’t bad, but being eight his needs were not met.

When he turned 11 he moved to a different school and had to share a bunk room with seven other boys, some were violent, others were so homesick they would cry to the point of being ill. Children caught crying by night staff were punished in front of their room mates to publicly shame them.

Certain children were allowed to do as they pleased because their parents were significant donators to the school.

If a child was disliked by a member of staff they would only refer to that child by his student number rather than his name.

He is only 28, so it isn’t that long ago, this is a very well known and very expensive boarding school and from recent news reports it has not improved.

Bullying was a huge problem, sharing a lesson or a play time with someone who bullies you is bad enough, there are children at boarding school who have to share a bedroom with their bully.

Boarding school cannot meet PIES of a young children, parents choosing boarding school for a young child are willingly depriving them of certain needs and willingly causes ACEs.

My sister and husband went to boarding school and my sister was very happy there but my husband has been psychologically traumatised by it. I think it depends on a mix of individual child, the school and why you were sent and what your parents are like.

@daisypond, nice to see someone knows the specialist schools are out there!!! My youngest DD was one of those children, finished last year and now at Conservatoire. It really was incredibly tough at times but despite dipping in and out a bit never wanted to leave, and would only ever consider moving from that school to one of the same type elsewhere. We were fully funded by the DFES, and musical training at that level and intensity was completely unavailable to her in any other way. Children from wealthier families nearer big cities might have more choice but even then plenty choose to board for extra out of hours provision of orchestral and ensemble work.
Also, OP, have other DD who didn't board. Her life at secondary was a fucking nightmare from yr 8 onwards and she's only just starting to properly unravel it. Day versus boarding such a fatuous, simplistic argument.

I have 4 friends who went to boarding school, 2 from 7 and two from 11.

Three of them loved it and seem remarkably well-rounded and well-adjusted, the 4th (who went from 11) hated it, was desperately unhappy and lonely and reckons it fucked her up and made her incredibly insecure.

All of them had parents who worked overseas (not military) and who could be posted to the other side of the world at short notice, so continuity of education would have been difficult, even when they were in cities that had Anglo-American schools.

One friend in particular loved his public school, and still gets a tear in his eye when we drive past it. He was only 9 the first time he flew alone, from Karachi to London, and has a photo of this wee lad in short trousers holding the hand of an air hostess at the foot of the steps just before boarding the plane. It's very poignant.

@GeidiPrimes, that's unbelievably sad, and also horrific. I'm so sorry.

I think weekly boarding is totally different, you are still very much in touch and will have those normal weekend times and still feel very much linked.
Months away from your family is totally different. When I was at boarding school many of us had to be there in a way as families working abroad and in dangerous places. We felt very sorry for those who lived in the uk and still got sent away. Now I suppose I could see it as busy parents etc but who us too busy to see their own kids at the weekend?

'I went to a boarding school and absolutely loved it.'

Great that you did however kids are really not meant to live at school. They are supposed to be in a family environment until they are adults for their emotional and mental development. In the same way as it is recognised that kids in care are better off with foster parents rather than a children's home. That is all a boarding school is, a children's home albeit with hockey and rugby.

Hoppinggreen True ,but what if their spouse is in the Army too?!

I have extensive experience of boarding schools.

The honest answer is that it is truly mixed. For children that have outsourced parenting from the start with a nannies and the rest, for those children it will make very little difference. Family connection has never been there, those children have learnt to live life as part of a herd. In some ways boarding is a blessing, they have perhaps more attention there than they otherwise would have at home. There are homes that border on negligence due to lack of time and commitments.

Then we have the children that come from very loving homes, but parents want the best schooling for their children, and depending on whether the school suits them or not. Some thrive and enjoy the independence, others sink without a trace.

If really depends, like everything on the character of the child. If you have a sensitive loving child they are going to find it (very) hard, if you have a child that loves to socialise all of the time, lives for their friends then they will be better suited.

The first few months are horrendous for everyone, and the homesickness is acute for most children.

In today's world with mental health issues, anxiety, self harming, social anxieties and eating disorders, issues on social media it does make me wonder how any parent has the confidence to send their children away to school knowing the avalanche of challenges they face as a normal teenager in 2021. Even the most resilient can quickly come unstuck, and you will be the last to know.
The amount of support many teens needs is considerable. The emotional care and the refuge that home should be, can not be underestimated.

Children and teenagers need their parents now more than ever, and I for one want to be there for them every step of the way until they are old enough to charter themselves across. As parents we are anchors, safe harbours, there when they need us - it is the one thing boarding schools prevent, being there to hold your child at the end of a long and hard day. It is something I would never give up.

I never said it was inherently cruel, and I did make it clear I was referring to younger children. If my daughter asked to board at 16, I would let her as I think it would be a good way of getting some independence before leaving home.

14 or 15? I would have to think very hard, and would probably say no unless there was an exceptional reason. I wouldn’t say commute is an exceptional reason, unless like PPs have stated, I lived in the Australian outback or something. I would simply move closer to the school or find them one nearer by, rather than ship them off 5 days a week. I just don’t think a career is worth not seeing so much of your kids. Nobody lay on their deathbed saying they wished they’d worked harder and spent less time with family.

My exh went to single sex boarding school (army child) as did his sister. They both really enjoyed it BUT my husband had definite emotional issues from it as did another ex who went to similar. I’m not sure being in a pretty much all male environment without a mum who they can show emotion in front of is a good model for boys. (The girls I know who have been seem pretty fine from it all)

I've found this thread really interesting to read so thanks for starting it. I've considered weekly boarding for mine, still considering I guess. I think for me what stands out in a lot of these posts is the fact that people are considering their feelings rather than the child's really. Lots of I couldn't let them go cause I want them close to me, I think that's just as selfish as the parents sending them to boarding school cause they can't be arsed to parent. Part of being a parent is making the choice for your child that's best for them. Lots of boarding schools offer children opportunities/standard of education that they just couldn't get living at home. Sometimes that's a really hard choice and not always what you want as a parent.

The people on here arguing for the military and how boarding school is the only way... it's really not.

There are flexible working options now, ref: moves.
The non-military parent can settle somewhere for school continuity.
The military person CAN LEAVE! It's not a bloody prison.

I'd agree, the military WAS less flexible, but now I think it's hard to justify. (I don't judge anyone that already has their kids in, as they were under the old rules).

I’ve two friends (sisters) who went to boarding school when they were 11 and 13. They were an army family. They loved the school, the friends they made, the academic, sports and music opportunities they had. They still have a lovely relationship with their parents and boarding school has benefited them rather than harmed ( both are now in their 40’s).

Yes I do think its cruel to be honest especially very young children, children need to be with their parents , they grow up too fast, personally i wouldnt want to miss huge chunks of my child's life

@CJsGoldfish thank you! She is indeed awesome, and having the time of her life.

This thread makes me really shocked (I don’t know why really, been on MN long enough that I should know) that people are unable to see that every family/child is different. If you’d asked me when she was 10, would I send her, I’d have definitely said no. However at that point she was way too young, and also wasn’t doing the sport she does now so it wasn’t on our radar. If you want to be good at it, you need to put aside 15-20 hours a week and that’s so hard for ‘regular’ family life. She’s good enough (well, as much as you can be at 13, it can all change!) to go pro in theory and we would never forgive ourselves for not providing this opportunity because we thought we might miss her. It’s not about us, it’s about her and what she wants & enjoys & excels at. I miss her absolutely tonnes, of course I do, but I’m rational enough to know it’s not for long, and I’m happy in the knowledge she’s really, really loving it.

I think I’m going to bow out now as I can’t cope with the vitriol from people who don’t know every child & every situation but think they know best.

I dont understand by people have kids then send them to boarding school?!

I've done a count and know about 25 ish people who went to boarding school.

Of those one absolutely hated it and does seem to have a long term impact.

The other 24 talk very positively about it, no issues are evident.

My DH boarded from 7. He had an amazing time but wouldn't send our kids boarding at this age. He admits it was very young.

I went to an awful state school. Was thoroughly miserable and it has had lasting impact. I was desperate to go to boarding school (no other local option) but my parents wouldn't consider it despite having the money. I resent them for not caring more about me at that time.

Whilst I would miss them dreadfully, if our children wanted to board at an older age I would consider it. But I also wouldn't hesitate to remove them if they weren't happy, as it would remove them from any day school where they weren't happy.

My children's happiness and safety is my absolutely priority over all things.

@AnxiousPixie

I've found this thread really interesting to read so thanks for starting it. I've considered weekly boarding for mine, still considering I guess. I think for me what stands out in a lot of these posts is the fact that people are considering their feelings rather than the child's really. Lots of I couldn't let them go cause I want them close to me, I think that's just as selfish as the parents sending them to boarding school cause they can't be arsed to parent. Part of being a parent is making the choice for your child that's best for them. Lots of boarding schools offer children opportunities/standard of education that they just couldn't get living at home. Sometimes that's a really hard choice and not always what you want as a parent.

Not really. Having grown up where boarding was the better option I kept in mind a location where day was just as good or better.

I've always felt sorry for non resident parents who seem to fill their contact weekends with McDonalds, cinema trips and constant treats. They lack the after school relaxed time of homework, watching a bit of TV together and just generally being together. Parents of boarders seem the same and they put the 'continuity of education' way above the emotional wellbeing of their dc.

When I've worked abroad there's always been a plethora of ex pat schools so the parents who chose to leave their kids behind seemed just as self centred to the ex pat community as they do to their extended families at home.

Eldest flexi boards mid week so he can compete and do all the training for a sport he loves and is extremely good at.

His choice of school, his choice of sport ( remind me with DC2 to not send him on the same summer taster session!) and his decision to board.

He is thriving academically, socially and he comes home at the weekend with all homework done and the aggro levels are minimal. We enjoy our time together much more - more quality than quantity.

Depends on the child and the circumstances - I could just about get him to school everyday and get to work a little late but I would be knackered. DS pointed this out and preferred that I did not get ill ( long term chronic illness anyway)

So far no regrets - and I was completely of the anti boarding school brigade.

@Remmy123

I dont understand by people have kids then send them to boarding school?!

I always thought this but was too scared to say it here !!

@Remmy123

I dont understand by people have kids then send them to boarding school?!

Surely it's fairly obvious that for some families and children it is the better option and done for positive reasons with positive outcomes.

Just as it is obvious that for others they are better off at a day school.

And that you sadly get neglected children and bad parents in both in boarding and day schools

My DH went to boarding school from 11-16. He enjoyed the school aspect but he says the bullying was awful and unlike normal school where you might get it for a few hours a day but then get a break he had it 24 hours a day. On the plus side there were way more extracurricular activities going on and things like sport and using were hugely encouraged. They also had much stronger bonds with the teachers and house staff. They became more like family. His parents were always a bit standoffish, they loved him but he always had nannies and childminders from being a baby. Even now his mum is still pretty cold. She is a lovely person and I love her very much but there is a huge difference in the way she parents and grandparents compared to me. She's much more of the leave the kids to cry it out and you must teach them from day one to be alone and sleep alone and sort themselves out. Which is fine but just not the way me and DH want to parent. She's not a huggy person or very affectionate with the kids but she is really supportive and gives us great advice. We always say we go to my mum for a cuddle and her for advice. My DH has always said while he was grateful he had the experience of boarding school (on the whole) he would NEVER send our kids there.

Can I just add - surely you have kids to enjoy them, spend time with them and watch them grow, have all the ups and downs, Id have that anyday over a 'better' education?