To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

One word:
Attachment.
Yes, it's cruel.

Our DC don't go, mainly because DS got into a very good "perfect fit" super selective grammar at 11 where there is no boarding- he loves it. Dd is yr9, her journey hasn't been as smooth. At the moment she wants to stay at her grammar school but might well consider boarding if she wanted to move.

[quote CatalinaCasesolver]@Sparechange do your children go to boarding school? If not why not?

In fact I'd like to ask anyone on this thread who is raving about how good it is the same question. [/quote]
No, because he is too young.

If we do consider it, it would be when he is 13 as that is when he will leave his prep school.

We are agnostic on it. We are fortunate to live in an area with excellent schools within a few miles, but they are notoriously difficult to get into
So if he isn’t very academic, or is particularly sporty, we would probably consider boarding if it was something he wanted.

I certainly wouldn’t rule it out, nor would I assume it to be a dead cert

But just as my school was only 40 mins from my house and I went home most weekends, we would almost certainly be looking at schools within an hour of our house, rather than a ship-em-off-at-the-start-of-term-and-see-them-again-in-3-months set up

No experience of BS other than Malory Towers/St Clares! However like everything surely depends on the individual? Many of our Royal family have attended BS .Prince Charles famously disliking it ,but PP loving it! Some Schools are better than others and this goes for Boarding Schools as well surely

I was a "troubled" teen and went to boarding school when I was 14. By choice. It was amazing and I loved it. I have a brilliant relationship with my parents now, we are so close. But at that age I was a nightmare and I think it was not only a good thing for me but good for them to have space away from me!!

My boarding school was not at all "traditional" though. It was very much about nurturing the individual, very creative, no uniform etc.

I look back on my time at boarding school so fondly. We had so many adventures and I have made friendships which have lasted to this day (I'm almost 40 now).

I think like most things there is no "one size fits all". It depends on the child, the family and the situation.

YANBU as a daughter of a former clearly traumatised ex boarder.
My mum went from the age of 6 and in her adult life had a turbulent relationship with her own parents, went on the have 6 children with 3 different fathers (all now divorced) and has never been able to show love or affection to any of us.
My childhood and that of my siblings was severely impacted by mothers issues and I can’t help but think, if she had a more homely upbringing then perhaps our childhood would have been more stable too.
I’m sure boarding schools are not like they used to be, but as a parent now myself I can never imagine being separated from my child for weeks at a time. I had children so that I could be involved in their lives.
My mother would never advocate sending kids to boarding school either by the way.
Look up boarding school syndrome.

But it isn’t boarding school OR a dive comp where you get home late from work, your child grunts at you and slopes off to play PS4.

There’s a whole realm of options between that: good state schools, grammars, private day schools.

Even for parents who see their kids at weekends, you’re not really seeing every facet of their personality and life; you’re just seeing them in coming home weekend mode.

My sister did flexi boarding, so she stayed the odd night at school according to if she came back late from a school trip etc and I have no issues with this at all. Ditto where a child has a long commute to school, staying a night midweek makes sense as well. But frankly the whole Monday to Friday thing does sound like a parent who simply wants to leave the hassle of parenting to staff, while swanning in for the ‘parental pride’ moments.

I went to a boarding school and absolutely loved it. I chose the school and whether I wanted to board or be a day pupil as it was close enough to do either. I have lots of happy memories from this time and still have close friends from my school days.

sing the national anthem backwards

Bet that’s come in handy.

I am going back many years , almost 60, but have 2 friends who were sent to boarding school aged 7 & 8 when one their parents had died . The remaining parent couldn’t cope or didn’t want to . Both friends hated their mother and father respectively and quite honestly I don’t blame them.

Depends I guess. It’s not for me but a family member went to one because they were focussed on a particular extra curricular activity which they had a career in from a young age, doing this enabled it. That child doesn’t have any ill feelings I don’t think, but the one who didn’t get the same treatment feels a bit of resentment in some way because of the effort and the money put in to that child and they didn’t get that. It’s a weird one. I don’t understand why people have live in nannies either but it’s just how some people do stuff

@MinnieMous3

I agree with all your posts. My DCs are adults (20s and early 30s) , I'm older, and I can look back now and realise that it really is a very short time in a person's life that you have your children at home with you. I would not have missed one minute of that. I feel totally and utterly privileged to have been lucky enough to have had that.

7 year olds going to boarding school, to me, is barbaric. Just my opinion of course.

Oh... and two of my siblings went to boarding school and they are very different to me and the sibling that didn't!

This is am interesting post in that I am interested in listening to other people's experiences of boarding school. I'm not sure what the op'ss motivation is for posting two threads on the same topic when clearly they don't agree with anyone who has had a positive experience of either boarding or sending their children.

I cannot afford to send my children so for me it is a non starter. If I could I would seriously consider what my child would gain from it that they couldn't get from being a day pupil. I think I would be guided by my child. Would I miss them of course, I'm the type that misses them when they are at preschool.

I don't come from an armed forces family or very rich so I can't relate doesn't mean I would chastise them for their choices. Most parents are trying to just do the best for their kids and I would argue that they know their own children better than I do. Some may well be feckless and rather pay to keep their child from under their feet but their children would not he any better off being around their parents on a day to day basis anyway.

www.britishpsychotherapyfoundation.org.uk/insights/blog/joy-schaverien

@Conkergame

OP you’re coming across as very judgmental, narrow-minded, unkind and quite dim.

It really doesn’t take a genius to work out some things work for some families/children and not for others. And it’s really horrible to come on here and try to make some parents feel bad for their choices when the reality is 99% of parents are trying their best in their own circumstances.

Bet you wouldn’t like it if a boarding school parent said “I look forward to your kids coming on here in 10 years’ time to start a thread: “my mum is so possessive and selfish, it’s driving me nuts, she never lets me be my own person, she just smothers me and it’s suffocating”. Because that would be a massive generalisation. But tbh it’s how you’re coming across.

I don’t have kids btw and didn’t go to boarding school so absolutely no bias here either way, just think you come across as a really horrible person and I don’t think your kids will be any better off for living with someone like you than they would be at a good boarding school.

Not at all. I’ve acknowledged in some circumstances, it can work. But I’m yet to be persuaded that even the best boarding school is better in the long run than living at home in a happy family.

As for my child starting such a thread, we will have to wait and see won’t we! I don’t know whether we will be sending her to private school yet but it’s definitely an option. Maybe she will beg me to board! We will see.

My Dad went at 6 he said a bit of him broke. He said he never felt that close to his siblings as they went to different schools. He definitely has so attachment issues.
My cousin was fucked up going to boarding school and has a lot of resentment to his parents. Interestingly they never sent his little sister as he was so adamant it was a bad thing (big age gap).

@Sceptre86

I'm not sure what the op'ss motivation is for posting two threads on the same topic when clearly they don't agree with anyone who has had a positive experience of either boarding or sending their children.

The first was deleted for referencing another thread. MNHQ told me to start another, leaving that bit out. Motivation 🙄 honestly that is an accusation that has been bandied around so many times on this website! Unless you want to take a stab at what said motivation is, it just sounds like the usual refrain when someone brings up a topic that makes some parents feel a bit uncomfortable/guilty.

I also am too selfish and want to hold on to those years as much as I can. Now they are teens I love having them around even more as they are such fun (most of the time!)

I boarded at 6th form in a boys school that took girls in the Sixth form. My DH boarded from age 11. Both of us were adamant that our DCs wouldn't board but I think we both had particularly bad times compared to our peers. I really couldn't cope with it at all and spiralled into really quite dangerous levels of anxiety and depression. My DH was horribly bullied. In both situations, the schools was completely ill equipped to identify the problems and provide appropriate support. I think for kids who didn't have such issues, boarding could be an amazing experience as there were loads of opportunities but there was just no safety net for when things went wrong. The whole experience had a huge negative impact on my life. I was pretty traumatised for years. I'm in my 50s and I still avoid talking about school and have intense feelings of shame about the experience. But I know not everyone's experience is different and lots of people loved boarding.

They did much better academically than they otherwise would have

How could you possibly know this?

Like I said, the options aren’t full boarding or a dive comp.

I couldn’t send my children to boarding school (as in overnight boarders as a pose to day-schoolers.) I chose to have them; I deal with the consequences of that choice, whatever changes I need to make, I make. I honestly couldn’t imagine ever sending a 4 yr old to boarding school. Kids need their parents around them, to put them to bed, to discipline, to sit with them when they’re ill, to pick up the pieces when things go wrong, to live through all the happy/mundane/exciting/boring/sad moments with them.

It’s quite clear many many people who have been sent away to Boarding school experience mental health/emotional issues in adult life. Nothing matters to children more than the love/attention/focus they receive from their parents. It’s the foundation for everything else.

There was a TV programme about a boarding school. That poor little boy that just cried and cried until he couldn’t cry anymore. For some kids boarding school isn’t right. But others will love it. I think secondary school is is great age to go. Any younger and it must be heart breaking. They are so gorgeous before they become teens why would you want to miss out on that cuddle time.

I also am too selfish and want to hold on to those years as much as I can. Now they are teens I love having them around even more as they are such fun (most of the time!)

^^ This.
I would not swap the teens round the table having tea and being annoying for anything in the world.
And when they were little, I missed them when they went on a sleepover!