To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

It's not ever going to be something I'd chose
I want to know and bring up my own kids, I don't want someone else to be a mum to them, not leave their parental care to a random stranger(s) who has got a job in the school

If things go well and they enjoy it, fantastic, but it's not always the case, and my then the damage is done long term

When something bad happens, it's too late, damage done

A colleague of mine boarded for the simple reason that both his parents had been boarders so for them that was the norm. What he found hard was understanding why, as unlike his grandparents, his parents didn't travel with work, in fact his mother didn't work at all. He said it made him feel like he'd have been in the way at home. But he did think he had a very good education.

@buckingmad please don't send the children away if you can help it. I was sent to boarding school at the age of 11, in 1986.
My parents lived on the other side of the world, and as such I couldn't go home for exeat or half term. I was able to stay at school for exeat, but half term s I had to literally beg friends to go home with them.
Boarding school was a totally different world to that which I had been brought up in. I lost so much weight my first term, that my parents came to an agreement with the shops in the village closest to the school, so that I could buy fruit, snacks and pasta and cook for myself. I was the odd one out, because I hadn't grown up in the same country as everyone else, and I was also the only army brat at the school.
I know that things are much easier now, technology has made the world a much smaller place, and EVERYBODY has smartphones that they can call their children or parents with and actually see their faces-in my day I had to reserve a telephone line for a certain time, and a 10 minute phone call to china cost my parents 50 quid a time (I was allowed to call once a fortnight). I definitely have abandonment issues, and I desperately wish my mother had made a base somewhere, so that we children could have gone to a normal school. My parents where not able to attend any school evebts-sports games, plays, parents evenings or speech day, it was awful to look into the crowds and see a sea of parents, and to know that once again my parents were not there. I stayed there for 5 years and then came home to do my a level's-i had to move in the middle of the a levels and still those two years were my best years at school.

@TeenMinusTests

Boarding school then is very different from boarding school now. One boarding school can be very different from another.

Just like grammar schools then (nice, fair, leg up) are different from grammar schools now (he who pays the tutor...)

And comprehensives then (all classes mixed ability) are different from good comprehensives now (setting, aspiration for all)

Unless someone has taught / attended / sent a child there in the last 20-10 years they probably have no real comprehension.

I agree that boarding school is likely to have changed massively since I was there in the 90s. However, the psychological impact on some children doesn't necessarily change irrespective of whether the environment does - and the research shows that young children may struggle if sent away from home at a young age. That's not to say all will struggle and have long lasting effects. There is a fascinating segment from woman's hour back in 2011 on this:

It's a gamble I won't take with my own child.

I was actually, in the most part, happy as Larry at school. It's what is has done to me in my 30s and into my 40s that has shone a light on my experience of being separated from my parents at a relatively young age.

If I was in the forces and had the chance to send my DC to the best schools in the country for a tiny percentage of the cost, I’d do it.

My best friend won a scholarship to a top boarding school. She is deaf and it was either there or a day school 25 miles away. She loved being there as it meant she could join in all the after school stuff and have a social life that would have been impossible at the day school as it was so far away.

I think for a confident sporty extrovert older child it could be great. Frequent moving of schools is proved to be damaging so boarding at one school preferable to that.

Lots of boarding schools in our small city I have been asked to be a host for kids who don’t go home in the holidays but refused as it’s too sad.

That said it quite frankly ruined a relatives life but he was quiet, shy and gentle went at 8 🙁 and to be fair it was years ago. He never married or had a family as unable to share loving space with anyone after that. Both his more outgoing siblings were fine.

Living space

The real damage didn't catch up with me until my children went to secondary school. I would never send a child to boarding school.

I'm very interested in this. We are mid-forties with a yr 9 and a yr 12 (both at local grammar schools). DH boarded from 13, he had previously always maintained that he was fine with it. In the last few months he has started to talk about his DM "kicking him out" at 13, as our children reach the stage of GCSEs and A-levels, we talk about our experiences I sense a bit more regret.

It's a good solution for many families.
Some children don't get on with it. Some parents wouldn't do it at any cost.
See the above for practically every aspect of raising a child.

I think it depends on the parents/ circumstances . I'm sure those who send their little children (7 or 8 year olds) Just can't be bothered to be parents. With older children or teens the freedom away from mum and dad must be great.

I work in a mixed day / boarding school and I'm a parent. The only answer to your op is that 'everyone is different'. You may think and feel that you couldn't possibly be away from your kids, others don't. some kids are extremely confident, capable, into dozens of hobbies and develop amazing friendships, others are aren't / don't. Is it really so hard for you to understand that idea? I read all the time in here about parents being devastated at the thought of a 50/50 split of childcare.. I'd bite my exes hand off if he offered. Not because I don't love my kids but I'm a well adjusted, emotionally stable person who sees my kids as people, not just 'my kids'. I've focused on that aspect rather than what our boarders or school is like as you've said that's not your main point but I'm happy to describe it if you like.

I went to boarding school. I never forgave my parents for sending me away, and can't imagine doing the same to my DCs.
YANBU OP

My husband was a boarder. He initially had to for a term while a family member was going through some medical treatment which meant his parents couldn’t be around. Then he chose to board on and off from then on, changing year on year depending on what he fancied.

I know three men who went to different boarding schools, they are now in their 40's/50's all three were sexually abused, two have abandonment issues that interferes with their daily lives and the third has always resented his parents for sending him but not his sister to boarding school.

Perhaps it depends on what home life there is. I have a friend in his 60s who was sent to boarding prep and secondary schools, and spent much of the holidays at school or with grandparents.

I don’t want to say too much in case it’s outing but he has no close relationships and leads a very limited life.

I know a few children boarding now in a specialist school who are funded by the government, because they are talented musicians or dancers and they have lots of lessons in music or dance on top of school, all in the same premises. It can be very difficult to access, and pay for, that level of training and expertise outside of that environment, especially if you have other children who don’t do the same hobbies. But it’s definitely not for everyone.

I think you haven't spoken to enough children who are at boarding school. There is no way I would want my children boarding as I want to spend time witih them - but I know plenty who board by choice as they love being at school. My friends son boards and could come home everyweekend but he loves the school's weekend sport and would every two weeks stay a weekend. Her daughter was sent to a day school with a boarding option and her daughter enjoyed the school so much and wanted to avoid a commute so on some days has chosen overnights. I know lots of families like this. Yes some kids don't suit boarding - but you have forgotten all children are individuals and it will suit some.

I think it's probrably great from 13-16. Sixth form, I'm less sure. It is a very artificial enviroment, I don't think it's great for developing executive functioning or independance skills, also socially very limiting from 16. I went to a sixth form college from home and worked a variety of part time jobs, much better preparation for life IMO.

Yanbu for very young children

I wouldn’t send my 11 year old either although we went at that age

By very young I mean 7 (younger than that is just abandonment imo)

Both of mine went at 13.. by choice.
We have an extremely happy home and at weekends the house was full of my 2 and any waifs and strays they brought home. We were always in regular contact via a family text (and then whatsapp group) and I made sure to tell them all the little things that changed at home so nothing was a surprise (the dog is limping or we have a new dishwasher..really boring stuff) and they told me what they had for dinner, or who said what in Mr X's class.
They loved it. They did much better academically than they otherwise would have . They were fitter than their day school peers, and oddly enough, we actually saw more of them than my friends with the same age children.
You have to bear in mind that whilst the day school children at 13 were grunting greetings to their parents and disappearing upstairs to play on their xbox, mine were playing football with friends or having a quick game of hockey before dinner. At weekends, they were seeing friends, and spending time with us .. by choice.

For my 2 it was a nice balance of what they wanted (friends and action 24/7) and what we wanted (proper family time, and academic attention) and now they are both post university we are all still close.
The family whatsapp continues..

@Sparechange do your children go to boarding school? If not why not?

In fact I'd like to ask anyone on this thread who is raving about how good it is the same question.