To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

And as for the 'but they really wanted to go!' argument...yeah I'm calling that out. DM always says this about DB (he was 7 ffs!) and now I'm a mum myself I find it increasingly abhorrent.

Should point out that I went to the local comprehensive whilst DB was private all.the way. Still achieved better GCSEs, A Levels and a very good degree. He chose not to go onto HE (although did end up doing a HND). I believe that with unfettered access to love and family support, most DC who are able to do so can thrive.

If it's better than the home life I think it'd be kind not cruel.

for a parent to willingly send their kids to one, demonstrates a certain detachment that most people don't have
I agree. A lot of children develop issues because of this. My ex was sent to boarding school and he swore that he developed schizophrenia as a coping tool. In comparison I was desperate to be sent to boarding school because I regarded it as an escape from my poverty stricken home life. I applied for scholarships several times without success.

I optionally spend very little time with my teen. She hates me. Murder by hanging, drawing and quartering would not be enough to punish me for being an ABSOLUTE CUNT. So we don't speak. Maybe when she's 50?

I went to boarding school at 14 because where I grew up, the closest senior high school was over an hour away with a very rough reputation. So I boarded at a school 3 hours away instead.

At no point did I feel abandoned. In fact the opposite. My parents made so many sacrifices, both financial and emotional, in order to give me a great education and a chance of spending my final years of school among like-minded students. I know they missed me and I missed them, but it was a wonderful experience for me and I will be forever grateful.

You can't make such sweeping generalisations. It really all depends.

I live in a very remote and isolated part of northern Australia and as such there are no secondary schools nearby. You need to spend a few days driving or jump on a plane to get to one. So commuting every day is simply not possible. So it is the normal and accepted thing in my community, and others like it, for secondary aged children to board. The only other options would be home schooling (which is also vilified on MN but has worked well for several families I know) or relocating. We have decided that we will relocate when DDs get to that age but obviously this isn't an option for everyone for various reasons.

The families around here seem to get on just fine. Perhaps that's in part due to the fact that it is so normal for us? It's also very normal here for people to have partners/spouses who work away a lot. Their marriages seem to be fine. I am wondering if some of this emotional distress that people are referring to is due to cultural expectations in the UK, and perhaps that's why you don't have the same issue in other places.

Well I think you're right on the cultural expectation angle but within the UK boarding school demographic (and remember this is a tiny subset of people who have 35-40k post tax per child in loose change) it's also normal and therefore I think the way those children would think of it would be different to the general population, which is why these threads always go the way they do. We live overseas and it's common for British children here to board in the UK from Year 9. It's seen as a rite of passage/ step towards independence and something to look forward to. Similarly on the spouses working away etc (especially at the moment when people have been apart for months). Just different norms/expectations.

I agree re the sweeping generalisations by the OP.
I worked at a school years ago where it was about 30% boarding, 70% day girls. The school discouraged boarding under year 10 unless on compassionate grounds, but had a big intake for years 10, 11 and 12. They were mostly farmers’ daughters ( this is in Australia) who had gone to the local high school until then. Often Mum and Granny before her had all gone to the school. I’m sure like in any school there were some who
didn’t like it but the boarders at this school were very tight and supportive with each other. As well as farmers, there were diplomats’ children and others on overseas postings who preferred their kids have stability at home at school, and they flew to their parents every holiday.
The negative I could see is that the kids rarely went back to the farm to live - they’d go and live in halls at uni or share houses after that. So essentially they’ve pretty much left home at 15.
There were a couple who lived with extended family ( an aunt or grandparent) rather than boarding. Cruel is a very strong word that implies abusive behaviour by the parents in having the kids boarding. I think you need to calm down OP.

I went to boarding school and would say I enjoyed it. I am really interested I reading about Boarding School syndrome research though. From the years I was there the stories now emerging inthe press etc are shocking people but the shocking thig is we mostly found it normal.

I was once asked to be a "foster parent" for boarding kids who didn't / couldn't go home to their families in the holidays. Great pay but sad to think that that's the reality for some children.

I went age 9 and had the best time. I don’t think it’s had any impact on me and my parents relationship long term or at the time. I understand now how hard it must have been to send me away and respect and appreciate their decision all the more. I had the most amazing time.

I’m looking at my 7 year old and the thought of sending him away to live somewhere else is just unimaginable.

I couldn’t do it to him and I would just miss him far too much.

But on the flip side, I know some families where they would jump at the chance to pack their children off for months on end but I just find that really sad.

I’m sure some children love Boarding School, I have nothing against the concept, but as a parent I find it hard to imagine how anyone could choose to send their child away and not spend any time with them, even if it is in the name of education.

I loved every minute of my time at boarding school. In my view ALL children should have the opportunity to go. Please note I said opportunity and not should.

It totally depends on the child, the family and their situation.
Unless you've spent time in a boarding school, it is hard to comprehend. OH has spent his career in pastoral care in various boarding schools (as have myself and our dcs as we lived there in staff accommodation). Yes, for some children they do struggle. However, for 95% of the children they love it. Many do flexiboarding or just weekly boarding. The boarding houses tend to have a very different atmosphere - most try very hard to be nurturing and a home away from home. Activities are planned each weekend that many day students often came along for too as they days out were really fun.
Our dc go to private school (prep). While I don't plan on sending them to board there, our 9 year old dc is very keen to board for one night a week. He grew up in boarding houses and knows just how much fun they can be.

If you are a child who struggles with homesickness, the it must be very hard and as I said, it isn't for everyone.

The guardian article linked above seems to be preoccupied with class structure and boarding school. This is only a brutish thing, it many countries (like here in Denmark) 25% of children go to boarding school and it’s not linked to wealth or class (the government pay most the fees). Unsurprisingly no one I’ve met here thinks it’s cruel, it’s just one option for kids education.

I'm quite torn about this. I do think it's cruel.if there's no reason to send them. My dh was sent to boarding school at 11 and was very unhappy. He didn't always go home at half term holidays either! He has a very poor relationship with his parents and has never really forgiven them for sending him.

On the other hand, I think for children from remote communities eg some Scottish Islands, it is the only way of providing a secondary education.

My son's girlfriend grew up in a very rural part of Botswana. She went to boarding school for her secondary education, but so did all her friends. She's very close to her parents despite now living in the UK.

So, depending on the circumstances, it's not always cruel but I think without good reason it is. As others have said though, if your parents are prepared to send you off with no good reason then you're probably better off without them

My ex went to a very famous upper class boarding school from 7. He is so so messed up. Institutionalized and incapable of love. Literally no idea of what a loving family is. Only been raised buy members of staff who gave him harshness, intolerance and at best apathy. The staff never loved him. And the harshness would make your eyes water. (Be a man, 7yo, while I yell at you.)

Also, he works in a min wage job, always has, and hates ambition or any kind of self promotion inc interviews and cvs. To be fair hes been trained for a world like the early days of the Crown TV show, all terribly terribly English stiff upper lip and fair (in their own use of the word), and heartless. That world doesn't exist anymore..

by

It’s a bit of a sweeping statement from the OP. Whilst I don’t think you can say boarding schools are good for every child, I don’t think you can say they are universally bad either. I went and I had a great time, as did siblings. We are grateful to our parents for the opportunity.

My DH went to boarding school and loved every minute of it. As an adult, he and his parents couldn’t be closer. Of course it’s not ‘cruel’.

My life would have inproved massively if I had gone to B school.

I would have been able to spell improved for a start : )

Boarding school then is very different from boarding school now.
One boarding school can be very different from another.

Just like grammar schools then (nice, fair, leg up) are different from grammar schools now (he who pays the tutor...)

And comprehensives then (all classes mixed ability) are different from good comprehensives now (setting, aspiration for all)

Unless someone has taught / attended / sent a child there in the last 20-10 years they probably have no real comprehension.

It really depends on the child and the school doesn't it. We are all different and thrive in different environments.

I also think many people in U.K. don’t understand how some families organise or prioritise. All over the world families work apart - maybe because of poverty, maybe to increase the opportunity for their kids, maybe due to other circumstances (job, rural location). Of course people miss each other - but being far from someone doesn’t mean you love them less. I suppose the key is for both parties to understand and agree - with what is happening and for the parents to change tack if children are adversely affected (which doesn’t always happen).