To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@mysterymountains

Sorry and I never ever get parents who say that Jane really wanted to go to boarding school, what does that really mean? Kids at 8 or 13 don't have any real life experience, they don't know what boarding school really means, they won't understand rupturing an attachment until it happens to them. So sorry I find that an odd argument.

This with bells on. I suspect they know it underneath but it eases their conscience to believe their child really knows what they’re getting into

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/08/boarding-school-syndrome-joy-schaverien-review

@Gnomewithaview and I think it’s very ignorant and arrogant of you to condemn people you don’t even know with your I’m sure very qualified opinion of what is and isn’t good parenting.

Not ever would I send my child to a place like that. I never heard anything positive from anyone I knew that went to one of those places. My friend had to go as they lived on a farm miles away from school, but she was at home on the weekends. She hated it. Someone else I knew told me he was put in a suitcase and thrown out of the window by his lovely fellow boarders. This was a boarding school costing his parents £30k a year.

We had no choice 60s and 70s I hated it the food was awful, going back broke your heart, thank god I was allowed to be day at last six years of school,

I went at 10 long time ago now, it was shit as I got bullied a lot

I then ran away only to be brought back and beaten yes beaten. It isn’t all EnidBlyton crap all jolly hockey sticks it was rife with all forms of abuse.

Parents then divorced and I was released thank fuck.

Went to the local school then, still go bullied, home life shit mother resented me big time, that never ever changed.

it was my parents that formed me with their indifference and neglect regardless of school setting.

Plus who the hell sends a child away at 4 or even 6.

Also how much has it changed now can someone tell me. Now kids will think of Harry Potter and it ain’t that not in a million years will it be that.

I'm not sure it's inherently cruel – the fact that multiple adults on here have said they went and were happy and are still happy, means it's not, right?

But obviously for a parent to willingly send their kids to one, demonstrates a certain detachment that most people don't have. The fact that some apparently all parties can be happy with it and grow up into well-adjusted and happy adults is great. But clearly the parents' relationship with the children isn't the same as the majority of parents who wouldn't be happy with only seeing their kids in the holidays. Presumably those are not ALL happy kids, even if everyone posting on this thread claims they are.

Having said that, lots of kids at normal schools have strained (or worse!) relationships with their parents too. Maybe being at boarding school would be better for kids with parents like that!

The documentary is really sad - limited phone contact with a mum to help settle a child at boarding school.

I feel the staff are just trying to manage expectations.

Boarding staff can't replace a good mum.

4 years old , good gracious!

@Runway

He serves Queen and country before himself and I am very proud

I’d just think if you’re children are worth sacrificing for something that will never give back to you

What do we have without Queen (OK, maybe not her!) and country though? We all know what it is like when the freedom our country affords us is removed, imagine that under the most severe circumstances. Our servicemen and women deserve nothing but gratitude. Judging their parental choices is a low blow.

I went to boarding school - Battle Abbey, in Hastings - when I was 9 years old. I was the youngest girl in the school for a while.

A cold place, with hard edges and stiff upper lips. I had a lonely and miserable experience.

Bullying was rife, but the staff paid no mind. I remember sitting in an ice cold bath to try and make myself ill, in order to be sent to the sanitarium for some respite. The plan worked, but when I returned after three days, the other girls had defecated in my drawers and urinated on my bedding.

A souless and loveless place.

roaringmouse I am so sorry to read that.

Did you ever tell your parents about it?

9 is so young.

@MinnieMous3

It’s very easy to judge parents and say they don’t love their kids if they have children that go to boarding school. I too thought I could never go to one. But I’ve heard many people talk about how much they’ve enjoyed it and it’s like a big family. They have long holidays so have more time at home. Most board Monday to Friday and come home on the weekend. If you’ve had both parents that work. By the time they come home from work in the evening there’s not much time to hang out with the children anyway. What with homework and everything. My mum would normally leave the house before me to get to work. There’s not much interaction in the morning. Then she’d come home at 6 or later. There’s not much time in the evening to do things either. Especially with children who go to bed early. Also, when they come back on the weekends and holidays they get their parents undivided attention.I’m sure they spend more time or even more quality time with their parents than those that don’t board. I’m sure boarding school is not what it was like many years ago. Of course some children will hate boarding school. But you’ve never been yourself have you? I’ve not read the whole thread but your replies seem to discredit everyone’s positive experiences. Just because you think it’s ‘cruel’ doesn’t mean it is.

I used to work in a flexi boarding school and the kids LOVED it. It was sleepover with their friends. The school would have outings to the cinema etc. Lots of events.

I dreamed of going to boarding school, I never went because I was a girl, apparently my parents would have sent me if I was a boy!! I hated them for it, I felt I had missed out.....

I sent my own children to boarding school, I don't think it was cruel at all, although I do think it depends upon the child. I have also worked in boarding schools, some children really aren't suited to it but many absolutely love their time there. Again it depends upon the child and the school. A really good boarding school is a positive experience but clearly there are unhappy children for whom a different type of schooling would be better.

Wow they are a group of bereaved people, as the researcher said.

I can't believe the documentary that they expect 8 year olds to get on with it, rather than grieve the loss of their family.

Dh went to boarding school just after his 7th birthday and loved it.
It was something his older sibling, dm and df, gf and ggf had done,

When he was younger I.e 20s/30s I don’t think it really showed. Maybe little things here and there like the secrecy. But as he has got older the more affected by it he has become.
His family on the face of it are really nice to your face but deep down there is something very amiss. It is like they cannot deal with anything bad happening. Everything is brushed under the carpet. I think it comes from the days when the children were home from school and nothing would get in the way of them having a fun time consequently no one can deal with bad news
If a close relative dies then everything is brushed under the carpet until after the funeral and only if they can’t make any excuses why someone can’t speak to this person does the fact the person has died.
It took Dh 3 weeks to discover a very close relative was dead and only because he was getting suspicious that something had happened. To Dh he was devastated. To his mother she was just saving him the heartache of going to the funeral.
But then Dh will withhold important news that might upset us but then can’t understand why we would prefer to know so we can put things right or deal with the consequences. He thinks he is protecting us.
No one in his family is able to deal with anything that might be construed as a criticism.
I think if he had his way he would never have had a family. He can’t deal with anything to do with family or children. It is a completely foreign concept.
It is getting worse as he is getting older.

That documentary was so sad, I can understand that Boarding does have a place in some circumstances but it was heart wrenching watching the girls trying to be brave when they just wanted their Mums.

My brother went to boarding school aged 12 and really asked to go so was not a decision foisted upon him. He grew away very quickly from the family following that, he refused to spend time with us and it was as if he left the nest early.

Academically he did very well but emotionally he said he felt he missed having the support and guidance of parents at home. Peers play a big role in that child’s life if they are spending so much time together.

Thank you @mysterymountains.

I had asked to go to the school, as my parents had had a difficult divorce and I was very unhappy at home. Boarding school seemed like an escape and I liked the idea of midnight feasts. However the fees were significant and I was always very aware of this, even at 9. I knew I was very privileged to be able to be there, which was an odd paradox, given the lived experience I was having.

So I held back my unhappiness and the difficulties I was having, as much as I could.

My mum took me away again when I was 10.5. She was a good mum. I think she just never imagined a school that could cost so much could be so terrible.

I know one boarder who loved her school. Its Its all about what is the best thing for the child.

@Bellabelloo

My best friends are my friends from 30 years ago at boarding school. We all loved it. And I am so grateful to my parents for the opportunity. We are all happy and independent, have travelled, had interesting careers etc. If I were to generalise, like you are, those I have met who were kept at home and mollycoddled by they parents, suffer more from anxiety, are not equipped to face the big bad world and have less drive and ambition.

How very telling that a boarding school education has conditioned you to think of people from loving homes as weaklings who can’t hack it, and the world as a competition that you have to be tough to survive.

@notanothertakeaway

Interesting. ...most MN threads are quite anti boarding school. This time, it seems more positive

My parents both went to boarding school. Mum loved it. Dad didn't. Horses for courses, perhaps, but there is a school of thought that some children who go to boarding school have similar attachment issues to children who grow up in care

You really need to back up such a drastic statement. What "school of thought"?

@PurBal I know of some choristers who are dead because of boarding school. DB was a boarding chorister from the age of 7. Several of his peers went on to develop addiction issues, or commuted suicide. He is not close to us and has major intimacy issues (he's 40 and yet to have a romantic relationship). Before boarding he was the happiest little boy you could meet. DS is 3 and the thought of sending him to board feels so wrong. Yes there are those who thrive but I think it impacts majorly on attachment.

Even Enid Blyton knew this, there were girls who felt they'd been sent away because their parents didn't want them - Sally Hope springs to mind!

My husband went to boarding school and loved it. He made friendships that have lasted 20 years. It also taught him to be independent, confident and engagingly nutty. He sends text messages in perfect German and can sing the national anthem backwards. Apparently you couldn’t be part of the model aeroplane club unless you could stand on your head and sing the national anthem backwards. He also shared a room with his friend who was partially deaf so he learnt signing. He’s one of four and they all went to public school, must have cost an absolute fortune.