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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum referring to unborn grandchild as ‘ours’ instead of ‘yours’

161 replies

ourbabynotyourbaby · 26/03/2021 20:44

NC for this. I’m pregnant, third trimester and well aware that I’m potentially being overly sensitive.

Back story: I’m single, pregnancy unplanned but very much wanted. Baby’s dad is involved. I have plenty of support in the form of him, his family, my family and friends. I am not emotionally struggling.

I have a good relationship with my mum but she has always been obsessed with wanting grandkids. This will be her first, and likely only, grandchild. She can be overbearing at times, and is very touchy feely, tactile and open - it’s not a bad thing, but I’m quite the opposite. I’m not a hugger, I keep my emotions to myself. I think I take after my dad - neither of us will say ‘I love you’ as it’s just unspoken that we do, but my mum will gush all sorts of what I see as ‘emotional’ chat. I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate it out loud, it’s not that I don’t feel that way. I hope I can with my child, of course. It’s something I need to work on.

Even since I was in early pregnancy, she has made reference to ‘our’ baby and I feel uncomfortable about it. I’ve just sent her a photo of the nursery and she replied saying ‘looks lovely, all ready for our little baby’.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable at her saying ‘our’ baby over ‘your’ baby time and time again? Is this normal?

OP posts:
riddles26 · 27/03/2021 12:28

@maddiemookins16mum

The very first thing my MIL (who had only one much loved son) said when she entered my room at hospital after I had her one and only grand daughter was..... ‘Oh my two beautiful, lovely girls, my lovely girls’. It only made me love her more.

Reading this made me so happy. I have a similar relationship with my MIL and am so lucky to have her

Abraxan · 27/03/2021 12:31

To me 'our' is normal. The baby is part of the family, 'our' family, so would be nothing to be concerned about in a normal happy stable family.

My nephew was definitely 'our baby' when little - as in our family's baby. Just like dd was 'our baby' (our family's baby)when she was small.

It's seen as being something nice here.

I can see how if family relationships are strained in some way it could be seen as an issue though.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 27/03/2021 12:32

Seems a bit petty - depends how much support you'll be relying on from your mum as to whether you make an issue of it?

UnforgottenPunk · 27/03/2021 12:33

Oh god, my best friend's mum is exactly like this. When she got married, her mum always said "our wedding". Urgh.

ShowOfHands · 27/03/2021 12:34

I have a MIL who calls my DC "our children". She is saying "I love them, they're part of me, they're the continuation of our family, I want to protect and enjoy them". It largely is a case of taking offence, not giving it.

When my own dc who are so indescribably and wonderfully "mine" in the most instinctive way, have their own little babies, I hope I feel that surge of belonging and completeness.

My dc do belong to us all. They are part of the fabric of our family and I am so glad that not only are they loved, but my in laws and parents get to feel that adoration too.

And I say this as a v emotionally closed person who never gushes.

Abraxan · 27/03/2021 12:46

@greeneyedlulu

I actually caught my mum actively encouraging my son to call her mum!! Something about becoming a grandmother turns old dears a bit loopy!
To be fair that's not particularly 'normal' behaviour and nothing at all like using 'our baby' in reference to a baby within the family.
Becstar90 · 27/03/2021 12:52

My daughters great grandmother always says 'how's our little girl?' I think it's cute. My mum says it too, I don't think it's weird at all.

sst1234 · 27/03/2021 13:02

Seriously - get a grip.

SkittlesRainbow · 27/03/2021 13:10

I selected that you are not being reasonable here, not because I think your mother means any harm, but because I think you are right to be a little wary.

We also had one side of our family being extremely overbearing, and it took a long time to set boundaries with them. No harm in being a bit firm with her at the beginning, especially if she tries undermine you, for example - with your baby staying away overnight. You won't know how you'll feel until you become a mother, but there is no way I was letting my babies. stay away until they were much older. it's not for someone else to tell me when either I or the baby will be ready. So as long as you can stand your ground and not be pressured into making decisions or letting your mother take over, then I'm sure you'll be fine. But be prepared that this might happen a bit in the early days as she establishes what her role is. Our mothers were also competitive with each other which was silly as a child can love all the people in their life as much as each other.

deedsnotwords11 · 27/03/2021 13:11

My mum did this, I hated it. I just used to repeat - but I'm your baby, this is my baby! Like it was a joke and she was being weird. It at least made me feel better!

LookAChicken · 27/03/2021 13:12

I agree if you don't want the baby staying overnight stick to your guns.

saraclara · 27/03/2021 13:38

@ShowOfHands

I have a MIL who calls my DC "our children". She is saying "I love them, they're part of me, they're the continuation of our family, I want to protect and enjoy them". It largely is a case of taking offence, not giving it.

When my own dc who are so indescribably and wonderfully "mine" in the most instinctive way, have their own little babies, I hope I feel that surge of belonging and completeness.

My dc do belong to us all. They are part of the fabric of our family and I am so glad that not only are they loved, but my in laws and parents get to feel that adoration too.

And I say this as a v emotionally closed person who never gushes.

That's a lovely post, and also are you me?!

I struggle with sentimentality and am not remotely gushy, but I felt, and still feel (my DDs are in their 30s now!) exactly the same about my MIL and my in-law family's response to my DC's from the moment they were born. My babies arrived into a loving, warm, protective and accepting family who adore them, and I still get a warm glow about that. That kind of security and love can't be bought.

saraclara · 27/03/2021 13:41

@greeneyedlulu

I actually caught my mum actively encouraging my son to call her mum!! Something about becoming a grandmother turns old dears a bit loopy!
WTAF?

That's incredibly casual and extreme ageism. I'm a grandmother, not an 'old dear' and your mother's strange behaviour is entirely unrepresentative of 99.9% of grandparents.

Jeeze.

littlepattilou · 27/03/2021 13:44

Can't see a problem with it to be honest.

YABU @ourbabynotyourbaby

Kitkat151 · 27/03/2021 13:56

@greeneyedlulu

I actually caught my mum actively encouraging my son to call her mum!! Something about becoming a grandmother turns old dears a bit loopy!
Very ageist post....I became a grandmother at 48.... I call all 3 of my grandaughters ‘our’ as my mum and MIL call my 3 children and grandchildren ‘our’. Both you and your mum sound weird
Katyppp · 27/03/2021 14:03

Am I the only one who cringes every time I see someone referring to My Baby? It sounds so possessive and controlling to me - like the poster has been waiting for this means of controlling their family and finally has when a baby comes along.
Maybe it's just me.

Kitkat151 · 27/03/2021 14:56

@Katyppp

Am I the only one who cringes every time I see someone referring to My Baby? It sounds so possessive and controlling to me - like the poster has been waiting for this means of controlling their family and finally has when a baby comes along. Maybe it's just me.
No it’s not just you you....I think these Mums probably have real issues though
MintLampShade · 27/03/2021 15:12

@Katyppp

Am I the only one who cringes every time I see someone referring to My Baby? It sounds so possessive and controlling to me - like the poster has been waiting for this means of controlling their family and finally has when a baby comes along. Maybe it's just me.
Doesn't make me cringe at all. If a Mum says My Baby, that's a fact. Her Baby. If anything, it's pride rather than being possessive IMO. Do you always call your children by their name?
StinkyWizzleteets · 27/03/2021 15:13

My mum used to say how’s ‘my baby boy’ or
Girl and get annoyed when I said (s)he wasn’t hers. She’d say you know what I mean... actually I don’t but apparently it’s my fault for not wanting to share my child 🤷‍♀️ Never once said that but she’s their grandmother not their mother.

Kitkat151 · 27/03/2021 16:15

@StinkyWizzleteets

My mum used to say how’s ‘my baby boy’ or Girl and get annoyed when I said (s)he wasn’t hers. She’d say you know what I mean... actually I don’t but apparently it’s my fault for not wanting to share my child 🤷‍♀️ Never once said that but she’s their grandmother not their mother.
So what do you want her to say? ....how’s my baby grandson? ....would you prefer that?..... or is that too much as well 🙄 I think if I was grandmother to a lot of your children on here... I would bow out and leave you to it...thank God my daughter and daughter in law are nice normal people who think it lovely that their children are so loved and cared for by their grandparents ( both sets)
saraclara · 27/03/2021 16:25

@StinkyWizzleteets

My mum used to say how’s ‘my baby boy’ or Girl and get annoyed when I said (s)he wasn’t hers. She’d say you know what I mean... actually I don’t but apparently it’s my fault for not wanting to share my child 🤷‍♀️ Never once said that but she’s their grandmother not their mother.
Oh for goodness' sake.

I have no idea why posters who take offence at GPs saying something so affectionate, take it as literal.
OF COURSE the GP knows it's your child. They're not trying to claim him or her as their own. They're not claiming any part of them. It's just an expression of love and belonging in the emotional sense. Your child is both genetically and emotionally part of your wider family. No-one is trying to own them.

MintLampShade · 27/03/2021 16:50

So what do you want her to say? ....how’s my baby grandson?

What in God's name would be wrong with Baby Grandson?? Or just Grandson, if you wanted to refer to him by his relation to you rather than an adorable nn or his actual name? 🤷🏼‍♀️

You forget that some Mums feel it's inappropriate as grandparents had already overstepped the boundaries in one way or another or have a tendency to do so. Maybe not everyone has a lovely little trio like you, your DD and DDIL.

garbagetruck · 27/03/2021 17:01

@Kitkat151 agree with you. If my children or future in-laws are this petty they can keep their kids 100% of the time #nohelp, I've done my bit, not sure if I even like kids I defo don't want theirs even if they are a blood relative.

MixedUpFiles · 27/03/2021 17:05

That egg that your baby is growing from was formed inside your body by her body. In a way it is “our” baby for her.

YukoandHiro · 27/03/2021 17:26

What's your mum's back story? My mum did this a lot and it grates a but I tolerated it because I am an only child not by choice, and that caused her a lot of pain in her 30s and 40s, and I think she viewed this as another chance to have a baby in her life.
Overall her help and support has been very welcome. As a single parent you may find this even more so. I would be careful not to say something that will alienate her given later you might feel you desperately need her closely around (temperament of baby dependent!)
Even though my parents help a lot, my babies are still very much mine. That much is clear. Help is just that - I'm the one responsible for them.