Mum referring to unborn grandchild as ‘ours’ instead of ‘yours’

[ourbabynotyourbaby]

NC for this. I’m pregnant, third trimester and well aware that I’m potentially being overly sensitive.

Back story: I’m single, pregnancy unplanned but very much wanted. Baby’s dad is involved. I have plenty of support in the form of him, his family, my family and friends. I am not emotionally struggling.

I have a good relationship with my mum but she has always been obsessed with wanting grandkids. This will be her first, and likely only, grandchild. She can be overbearing at times, and is very touchy feely, tactile and open - it’s not a bad thing, but I’m quite the opposite. I’m not a hugger, I keep my emotions to myself. I think I take after my dad - neither of us will say ‘I love you’ as it’s just unspoken that we do, but my mum will gush all sorts of what I see as ‘emotional’ chat. I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate it out loud, it’s not that I don’t feel that way. I hope I can with my child, of course. It’s something I need to work on.

Even since I was in early pregnancy, she has made reference to ‘our’ baby and I feel uncomfortable about it. I’ve just sent her a photo of the nursery and she replied saying ‘looks lovely, all ready for our little baby’.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable at her saying ‘our’ baby over ‘your’ baby time and time again? Is this normal?

When you’re pregnant with your first, you will find that everyone becomes the expert, and you will be smothered with advice, good and bad. You need to decide early on who you will believe, and who’s advice you will reject.

Your mil does sound excited. However, gently putting in boundaries won’t do any harm. Stick to your guns. Don’t have mil staying if you don’t want to.

Then my mum messaged me and said ‘did you see other grandma name put a photo of our baby up’, and that felt a little uncomfortable, like she was saying baby was ours and not theirs.

I would be extremely upset by this - poor MIL (but seems to be how many mothers of sons get treated when there are grandchildren). It’s really lovely that you are aware of the unfairness to your DHs family and are worried about it.

@Standrewsschool

When you’re pregnant with your first, you will find that everyone becomes the expert, and you will be smothered with advice, good and bad. You need to decide early on who you will believe, and who’s advice you will reject.

Your mil does sound excited. However, gently putting in boundaries won’t do any harm. Stick to your guns. Don’t have mil staying if you don’t want to.

A prime example here assuming it’s the MIL being overly possessive - it’s the OPs mother who is referring to the grandchild as ‘ours’ not her MIL.

My mum did/does this. She was unbelievably overbearing when DS was born and viewed herself almost as a third parent. She overstepped quite a lot and felt she had a say in how he was raised. She was very possessive over him, to the point that she didn't like it if my dad or ILs were around him!
It was suffocating and factored into my post natal depression. I have another child now as well, plus a niece. She says my DD is her real granddaughter, not my brother's little girl it angers me to end.
Lockdown has helped a lot as I've been able to naturally put boundaries in place.
She makes a big song and dance, almost performance grandparenting whenever others are around. It's funny when she loudly exclaims for everyone to hear "ooh, you're nanna s girl, you love nanna so much, nanna is your favourite" whilst DD (who's nearly 2) is clinging to me and burying her head away from her.

I'm waffling now. What I'm getting at, context is everything. Only you know how you feel and what your relationship is with your mum. I think in most cases, it's completely harmless and just excited grandparents. In my case, it was OTT and has backfired for my mum as I've had to put boundaries in place.

@ourbabynotyourbaby

We’re not northern.

Most of the time it’s in context and doesn’t bother me too much, but I sent the other grandma a photo from the 20 week scan and she asked if I would mind if she posted it on social media. I said no problem. Then my mum messaged me and said ‘did you see other grandma name put a photo of our baby up’, and that felt a little uncomfortable, like she was saying baby was ours and not theirs. Other grandma is also a knitter and keeps putting up photos of things she’s knitted, which my mum jokingly makes comments about as she can’t knit and keeps saying that other grandma better back off etc. I do think it’s all just excitement and love, though. I just find it a little overwhelming at times.

Okay, now that you do need to put a stop to if you think it goes beyond joking. If for a moment you think that she's putting the other Grandparent down, or assuming that she is going to be 'main' grandparent, you need to step up for your partner's DM and make it very clear that the two grandparents are equal, and that you appreciate and respect the other GP. Don't get drawn into making fun of her and cementing your DM's (possible)view that she's alpha GM.

Then my mum messaged me and said ‘did you see other grandma name put a photo of our baby up’

"Yes. The baby is her GC too, so of course she's excited to put it up. And she was very considerate in checking with me that it was okay to do so"

keeps saying that other grandma better back off etc.

"I don't want her to back off. She's the baby's Grandmother too. I'm glad she's involved.This isn't a competition. You're equals here"

@saraclara trust me, these are the exact kind of responses I have been giving her. She says it’s different because I’m her daughter, so it makes the relationship different and she takes priority over the other grandma. I’ve obviously told her that that isn’t the case, and as far as I’m concerned they’ll have equal priority. I think she’s half joking and half serious, it’s difficult as she’s usually laughing when she makes the comments but think there is an undertone of seriousness. I’m grateful that both sets of parents are so excited and involved considering the circumstances.

She does actually sound a bit like my DM - insecure I think is how I would describe it. I think you’re doing a good job of setting out your expectation now.

(She made noises about coming over to help on certain evenings when DH went out too, but like you, I would have felt smothered.)

Literally all my family say ‘my baby’ or ‘my girl’ and so does my husband’s family. I think it just shows how loved they are and I want them to feel loved and feel lucky that she has so much love from everybody. In return she is incredibly loving.

I think your own feelings towards showing emotions (such as love) are making this worse for you. But don’t make your mum feel bad for loving your baby, perhaps she wishes she could act similarly with you. You say you need to work on your ability to show love (thus realising that your feelings are perhaps odd - for want of a better word) for your child so by allowing your mum to show love she is offering a lot of examples of this for her.

these are the exact kind of responses I have been giving her. She says it’s different because I’m her daughter, so it makes the relationship different and she takes priority over the other grandma.

To be fair, a lot of posters here see it that way and definitely prioritise their mothers and try to fend off their MILs. I completely disagree with that, and think it's entirely unfair (and I'm the mother of daughters so there's no backstory here)

If she's appearing to joke, I'd still challenge it and say something along the lines of "I know you're joking, but if there's any seriousness behind it, nope, I intend being fair and equal when it comes to the Grandparents"

I think she sounds great! Many people are on here upset that their parents have little interest in the DGC. I think she means well and you will be glad of her support when Babe arrives! Just take it with a pinch of salt and look forward to welcoming your LO.

@saraclara yes, absolutely. I see her point but I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to take priority. Especially as the other grandma is likely feeling left out as it is - she doesn’t know me, she may be worried that I will be difficult with contact etc. She has been nothing but lovely and considerate and I do want to be fair. Naturally when it comes to things like helping me out, I will feel more comfortable with my own mum but that’s really another reason why I want to include the other grandma as much as I can, as she’s almost already at a disadvantage with not knowing me and not being as close to her son as I am with my mum.

@Helenahandbasket1

There’s a difference between ‘our little girl’ and ‘our baby’. The latter suggests that your mother thinks she has more control over raising the baby than you want. I’ve felt smothered by in law enthusiasm for my baby since she was born though so I maybe projecting!

There’s no difference at all.....you are talking rubbish

@Standrewsschool

When you’re pregnant with your first, you will find that everyone becomes the expert, and you will be smothered with advice, good and bad. You need to decide early on who you will believe, and who’s advice you will reject.

Your mil does sound excited. However, gently putting in boundaries won’t do any harm. Stick to your guns. Don’t have mil staying if you don’t want to.

Prime example of not bothering to read the OP post or the thread

As a single parent, I think you’ll find that the more people who love and care for your baby, the better! I wouldn’t have cared what anyone called my kids - if they loved them and would look after them for me for a bit then I was happy.
And trust me, once you have a sulky teen on your hands, it will very much be a case of YOUR child!!

@Kitkat151

I’m not ‘nasty’, but I appreciate you may have missed the fact that I posted twice; in my first post I said that when i felt like this most I was suffering from post natal depression. It really affected how I felt about a lot of stuff at the time and sometimes still rears it’s ugly head now. I can recognise that it has affected me though and it doesn’t make me a nasty person.

I think it also massively depends on your background. Neither mine, nor my DH’s family have ever spoken to each other like this. No terms of affection whatsoever. So when it suddenly changes it can seem weird and overbearing. It can also depend on the relationship you have with the person saying it. For example, the person who used to really annoy me by saying “my baby” would also claim that ANY lovely feature or personality trait of our DC was from her or some far flung relative of hers that no one had ever heard of. Anything but admit that DC are the spitting image of me. When I would respond like that, it was my way of keeping my cool in the face of someone who was being weird and possessive (and often actively trying to exclude me) when I was struggling anyway. Nothing nasty about it, but I appreciate my previous post probably didn’t give enough context to my experiences/reactions.

You sound like you are doing a fabulous job of involving the dad and his family. And his mum sounds like she is really trying to respect you (asking before posting pic). It may be worth having a chat with her about what you are comfy with her doing like this, and/or say at the end of messages, your welcome to post/please keep private. Just to help her along. The 'our' baby thing is fine in context of our family but not when your mum is using it as a shot against the dad's family. Your mum does sound competitive/jealous already and you will no doubt have to pull her up on it. Your mum saying that your are the daughter therefore she this takes preference i would say to her how unfair that is and if she had all sons how would she feel being 'automatically' pushed out for having sons. And the whole 'advice' situation the best thing to do is deflect it if you can't reason with her, say the midwife said, the doctor said, the health visitor said, ie I am taking note of the professionals even if you lie and haven't spoken to them, it can save a good few arguments. Good luck

And a forewarning, if she has a key and you don't want her dropping in. Lock the door and leave the key on the inside.

I actually caught my mum actively encouraging my son to call her mum!! Something about becoming a grandmother turns old dears a bit loopy!

Or that's just your mum.

My family say "our" whatever the name is or "our baby" and were really good at supporting but not interfering.

Then my mum messaged me and said ‘did you see other grandma name put a photo of our baby up’, and that felt a little uncomfortable, like she was saying baby was ours and not theirs.

I don't know the context in which she wrote it, but how do you know that she's intending to limit 'our' to only mean 'our side of the family' and thus deliberately excluding the other side?

Was she saying 'other grandma has posted a picture of OUR baby' (what a liberty) or 'OTHER GRANDMA has posted a picture of our baby' (how lovely)?

YANBU but probably also just a tad too sensitive. I get you though, 100%, and whatever you are, I am that too. My mum is struggling with the fact that DS is my child before he is her grand child and some days it bothers me more than others. I also feel that it has (to some extent) affected our previously reasonably good relationship which I am quite sad about, but I just can't seem to deal with the constant "I know better, I have raised two children" attitude 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t think the use of the word “our” is the issue as we can see that plenty of people say that and mean it in a loving and respectful way. Sounds like your mum will also have immense love for your baby too but you sound apprehensive that she may overstep boundaries or even be more physically demonstrative than you are with your own child.
If I can share- I was also a child who hated being lifted up or hugged and my Dad has told me once that he loved me ( going through a pretty bad patch at the time!) Regardless of that I know they love me and my children. I am a grandmother too and love all my family, tell them often and am now a hugger but try to respect other people’s boundaries including my very kind DIL who indulges me when we are able to visit.
I suppose what I am saying is that the way you were as a child may not be how you behave as a parent!
I wish you and your family (on your side and Dad’s side) all the joy in the world when your precious baby arrives.