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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum referring to unborn grandchild as ‘ours’ instead of ‘yours’

161 replies

ourbabynotyourbaby · 26/03/2021 20:44

NC for this. I’m pregnant, third trimester and well aware that I’m potentially being overly sensitive.

Back story: I’m single, pregnancy unplanned but very much wanted. Baby’s dad is involved. I have plenty of support in the form of him, his family, my family and friends. I am not emotionally struggling.

I have a good relationship with my mum but she has always been obsessed with wanting grandkids. This will be her first, and likely only, grandchild. She can be overbearing at times, and is very touchy feely, tactile and open - it’s not a bad thing, but I’m quite the opposite. I’m not a hugger, I keep my emotions to myself. I think I take after my dad - neither of us will say ‘I love you’ as it’s just unspoken that we do, but my mum will gush all sorts of what I see as ‘emotional’ chat. I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate it out loud, it’s not that I don’t feel that way. I hope I can with my child, of course. It’s something I need to work on.

Even since I was in early pregnancy, she has made reference to ‘our’ baby and I feel uncomfortable about it. I’ve just sent her a photo of the nursery and she replied saying ‘looks lovely, all ready for our little baby’.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable at her saying ‘our’ baby over ‘your’ baby time and time again? Is this normal?

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 26/03/2021 21:32

I would just try and see this as another example of the way she expresses herself.
From what you’ve said she is very happy and excited and is going to love your child very much.
This should be nothing but a positive.
It sounds to me that she is just very different to you, that doesn’t make her wrong just different. This is how she makes her love known.
I would also suggest it’s likely it will calm down over time.
You know this ‘your’ baby but it is wonderful that they will be so loved.

CloudFormations · 26/03/2021 21:32

My mum did this too, and it irritated me a bit. I knew she was well meaning and it was just an expression of her excitement, but I did find it annoying. Luckily she hasn’t said it since my baby was born so it hasn’t been an ongoing issue.

ChaosMoon · 26/03/2021 21:34

I think context is everything here. You've said that you and your mum have totally different communication styles, particularly in terms of showing affection, but your relationship is otherwise good. She isn't controlling, possessive or difficult, so there's no need to read anything else into it. It's just a quirk of language.

I get that this sort of thing can be really annoying, but there's no harm being done. You'll be happier if you can just roll your eyes internally and let it go.

Original poster
ourbabynotyourbaby · 26/03/2021 21:35

Thanks everyone. Really glad to hear it’s not just my mum, and that it’s normal. Happy to accept that IABU in this instance. I was reading it quite literally as ‘ours’, like hers and mine, rather than ours as part of our family.

It’s lovely that she’s so excited and of course I’m grateful for that. I just worry a little bit about her possibly overstepping the mark. There is definitely a bit of competitiveness between her and the other grandma-to-be already as they both just can’t wait to be grandparents, so I wonder if that plays a part in it.

OP posts:
Therarestone · 26/03/2021 21:37

I don't think so much love is a bad thing Flowers

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/03/2021 21:39

DM refers to my DDs as ‘ours’. She has a very active role in their lives (not as much during the pandemic but normally loads) so she has a very strong relationship with my eldest. My youngest is only 6mo so that relationship will come soon.

It does annoy me when she uses ‘ours’ but I know she isn’t trying to take away from me being their mother. She says it because she loves my children as much as I do.

BendyLikeBeckham · 26/03/2021 21:40

almost as cringe as couples announcing "we are pregnant"

ParkheadParadise · 26/03/2021 21:41

That wouldn't bother me.

Kitkat151 · 26/03/2021 21:41

You obviously don’t come from where I live....we call all children in the family ‘our baby’ until either the next one comes along or until they go to high school if they are the last child in the family! ..... I found it odd when I first moved here but am used to it now....and really like that all these children can feel part of the wider family as well.....makes them feel like they really belong.,,i get called ‘our kit kat’ 😁

Ginmelons · 26/03/2021 21:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I’m also in the third trimester Grin

Is it something I’d go out of my way to pull my Mum up on? No, but I would gently correct like PPs have though. Would not tolerate it from more distant family members though

idontlikealdi · 26/03/2021 21:45

My mil went as far as my baby. Drove up the wall.

BobBobBobbin · 26/03/2021 21:53

@Therarestone

I don't think so much love is a bad thing Flowers
^this

I understand why it’s irritating but if you can recognise it comes from a good place, take a deep breath and let it go.

SionnachGlic · 26/03/2021 22:04

It would probably grate on me if we were living in same house because I'd be thinking I'll be listening to it every day & she might start trying to take over some parenting. But I'm guessing if you sending photos of nursery that you have separate homes & none of that will be an issue as such. It'll be great for baby to have GP who is so welcoming, loving & affectionate... embrace that & let them both enjoy it when the time comes. My own DM was v strict & not very huggy when I was small, my DF did the hugging..but my DM was an amazing in every way ..but when GC came she couldn't get enough hugs & kisses & their r'ship & bond was so strong...they were immensely lucky to have that through to adulthood & were devastated when she died. All her GC were the true loves of her life & she showed them that all the time. Love is love & the more of it a child has, the better.

MintyMabel · 26/03/2021 22:09

If this is the worst you have to face with a MIL, you’re doing ok.

At this stage, it could go either way. Smile sweetly and see what happens. If it’s a genuine thing, challenging her will just cause problems unnecessarily. If she’s getting possessive, challenging her will do nothing to fix it.

DarcyJack · 26/03/2021 22:21

This is just a colloquialism. And you are being very precious. It's used in exactly the same way as 'our kid' by family members not necessarily parents. Your mum does not think she is actually giving birth! It will be your son or daughter and her new baby (grandchild). Unless she does actually think she will be giving birth in which case take steps to try and get her medical attention straight away.

callmeH · 26/03/2021 22:27

Regionally it's common, ie usual, to refer to close relatives as 'our', I refer to my brother as 'our David' or years ago as 'r kid' I honestly think it's being said in affection rather than malice, save yourself a lot of aggro, you'll feel much better.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 26/03/2021 22:28

Embrace her enthusiasm OP - your mum sounds just like mine and it is her only grandchild but imo, hands on grandparents are worth their weight in gold. Much better that than she isn't interested. Just put some boundaries in place if she tries to take over when baby is born.

Spillanelle · 26/03/2021 22:29

All the women in my family call DD ‘our baby’ or ‘our NAME’. It’s a pretty common term of endearment isn’t it, although maybe it’s more just a northern thing.

Spikeyball · 26/03/2021 22:30

Where I live everyone in the extended family would call the baby "our baby" until the next baby comes along.

CrazySheepLady · 26/03/2021 22:40

Slightly away from your question, but please don't assume your child knows you love them. My parents never hugged me or told me that they loved me. As a result, I grew up thinking I was some monstrous, unlovable and unloved human being. Please don't risk your child ever feeling that way, all for the sake of a few words.

Skysblue · 26/03/2021 22:42

It’s normal. I think it’s nice. And in a very real way it is hers too: her dna is in there. I had much more in common with my grandparents than my parents.

Tinkerbell456 · 26/03/2021 22:46

I can understand it putting your teeth on edge. However I doubt she means the baby is actually her child with you and the Dad. I’d say she means in the general ‘ part of the family ‘ sense.

Hardbackwriter · 26/03/2021 22:46

I did find that it lessened over time though, as when anyone would say, for example, “ahh look at our lovely baby”, I would respond with “yes, my baby is beautiful isn’t she?”. It seemed to drive home the message after a while.

Don't do this. At worst you'll offend your mum for no reason, at best it'll make you sound like you've gone a bit mad.

maddiemookins16mum · 26/03/2021 22:49

The very first thing my MIL (who had only one much loved son) said when she entered my room at hospital after I had her one and only grand daughter was.....
‘Oh my two beautiful, lovely girls, my lovely girls’.
It only made me love her more.

Tootsee · 26/03/2021 22:58

I know how you feel OP, especially when my 3rd dc and 1st ds was born.

IL’s desperately wanted a grandson to carry on the family name. They were happy with 1st gc being a girl, but when 2nd was also a girl she didn’t even warrant a visit and they told everyone how disappointed they were. When 3rd dc was a boy they pushed their way into visit at the maternity ward, even though I had requested no visitors the first day (3rd CS)! I can still remember them literally waving their hands in the air (and I’m not exaggerating), saying “we’ve got OUR boy.”

It still bothers me, mainly because they were shit grandparents who weren’t interested in their beautiful granddaughters and only ever wanted to take their grandson out, which did cause issues between me and dh as he didn’t like to say no to them. However, I did say no, as no way in hell were they getting away with ignoring my dds!