Mum referring to unborn grandchild as ‘ours’ instead of ‘yours’

[ourbabynotyourbaby]

NC for this. I’m pregnant, third trimester and well aware that I’m potentially being overly sensitive.

Back story: I’m single, pregnancy unplanned but very much wanted. Baby’s dad is involved. I have plenty of support in the form of him, his family, my family and friends. I am not emotionally struggling.

I have a good relationship with my mum but she has always been obsessed with wanting grandkids. This will be her first, and likely only, grandchild. She can be overbearing at times, and is very touchy feely, tactile and open - it’s not a bad thing, but I’m quite the opposite. I’m not a hugger, I keep my emotions to myself. I think I take after my dad - neither of us will say ‘I love you’ as it’s just unspoken that we do, but my mum will gush all sorts of what I see as ‘emotional’ chat. I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate it out loud, it’s not that I don’t feel that way. I hope I can with my child, of course. It’s something I need to work on.

Even since I was in early pregnancy, she has made reference to ‘our’ baby and I feel uncomfortable about it. I’ve just sent her a photo of the nursery and she replied saying ‘looks lovely, all ready for our little baby’.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable at her saying ‘our’ baby over ‘your’ baby time and time again? Is this normal?

That's lovely.

I have plenty of support in the form of him, his family, my family and friends. I am not emotionally struggling.

You haven’t had the baby yet! That’s when the struggle starts and you’ll be biting your mum’s hand off for help and support.

It's a gentle YABU from me. I get it because I sometimes bristle when people say 'our baby' about my new baby. He very much feels like my baby and not theirs.

At the minute he's so little, primarily needs me, and has just spent 9 months growing in my body.

But he's not just mine. He's part of a wider family of people who love him, which is a good thing! And that means that I want my parents, siblings, and inlaws to see him as 'ours' because it shows how much they care for him (even if my hormones make me want to shout that actually he's my baby ).

I think YABU.

MIL refers to my sons as ‘her boys’ sometimes but she adores them both. She is kind, helpful, loving and involved. They also adore her and I’m glad they are all so close.

I’ve always started from the position of ‘the more people who love my children the better’.

We do have an exceptionally good relationship though so I appreciate it may not be so straightforward for others depending on circumstances.

My entire family and extended family are referred to as our, we have our Mum, our Dad, our (insert sibling name), our (insert child name), our (insert grand child name) our (insert 2nd cousin once removed) and so on.

As others have replied, time will give you perspective on this. Just grit your teeth, smile and ignore. It will pass!

If she’s doing it all the time, then yes that is a bit tedious. I would just start referring to ‘my baby’ a bit eg I wouldn’t want my baby to... and also just think in advance about what boundaries you need in place.

I call dd's son "our lovely boy" or "Granny's best boy" Dd doesn't mind but that is probably because I am very clear at deferring to her over anything regarding dgs. She knows I love him dearly but she also knows that I see my role and importance in his life as very much inferior to hers. Perhaps when baby is here and you see that your dm respects your role then what she calls her grandchild will bother you less.

I understand how you feel. My narc mother referred during my pregnancy to my baby as ‘our grandchild’ and made everything about her.

In this case I think your mother doesn’t have bad intentions but I understand it can feel overbearing and in your shoes I think I would tell her kindly that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Depends where she is from. My family is northern and my grandparents would refer to all of us grandchildren as "Our X" eg. "Who's at the door?" "That'll be Our Dave" / "Do you want a tea, Our Dave?" / "Our Dave starts school next week" etc.

I personally loved being called "Our X". I belonged. I live in the south now and my grandparents have all passed on. I dont get called "Our X" anymore. I miss it deeply.

I think it depends on the relationship you have with her. My mother only refers to my children as her grandchildren. First baby she tried to turn up, uninvited, to the hospital during labour. Second baby she came as soon as she heard the news and asked for a photo with 3hr old baby, before even asking how I was.

Every reference is to her grandchild. She was fairly abusive and controlling in my childhood, so I guess I naturally find it more offensive, than someone with a functional relationship with their mother. She's also the granny who demands alone time and then brings child back having had several accidents, no nap and full of junk food and sugar..

Look on the bright side as he/she gets older you can blame all their faults on her.

Everyone in both mine and my DH family is referred to as 'our' and 'my' including during pregnancy.
I don't see the issue.

@GoryGilmore

I did find that it lessened over time though, as when anyone would say, for example, “ahh look at our lovely baby”, I would respond with “yes, my baby is beautiful isn’t she?”. It seemed to drive home the message after a while.

It can be especially tough when baby is newborn though, you feel fiercely protective and even little comments that you would normally shrug off can get you raging.

Why would you be so nasty as to say that?.....of course every body would know it’s your baby......I always thought it was lovely that both families had so much love for my children when they said ‘our baby’ or ‘ ourNAME’......you sound very possesive

I love the 'our' thing! I married into a family where everyone, is 'our'. The cousins all refer to each other as 'our (name) ' and I think it's wonderful to have that feeling of belonging. They're a great family and everyone knows they are a real part of it. I think it must be lovely to be brought up that way, and to have older siblings and cousins who call you 'our (name)' at school etc.

I think of my grandchild as part of our family. Of course she is her parents' child and they are fundamental and in control. But I and her aunt love her and see her as part of us in a way. She carries a genetic element of our family and couldn't be more loved by us. She's part of our family. She's ours.

People say it takes a village. Well it certainly takes an extended family, and the more a child feels they belong to it, the more secure and loved they will feel.

There’s a difference between ‘our little girl’ and ‘our baby’. The latter suggests that your mother thinks she has more control over raising the baby than you want. I’ve felt smothered by in law enthusiasm for my baby since she was born though so I maybe projecting!

Another saying that she's coming from a place of love and kindness. She means 'our' as in 'our new family member'. I also agree that, were she to keep saying 'YOUR baby', that would sound (to me) like her trying to distance herself.

Not that the word 'our' is in itself a term of endearment, but it acts a bit like one here, and tone is everything. For example, think about the vast difference between a leery bloke in the street shouting "Oi, cheer up, love!" whilst he's eyeing you up and down and an old lady in the post office whose dropped purse you pick up for her saying "Ooh, thank you, love".

I also strongly agree with the PP about not assuming your baby will know they are loved if you don't tell them and cuddle them. If we're honest, most of us don't find it natural with our PFBs to 'sing-song' at them, communicate on their level and be overly effusive with cuddling and playing peek-a-boo with them - but this is exactly how they learn (very quickly) the vast difference between any random big person and the very few specific big people who love them dearly, are there for them and will come to them when they cry.

Babies can't read a dictionary to find the cold, factual definitions of 'love' or 'family', so you have to show them that bond in a way they can understand.

Ah OP you have to think of it like this ; you were your DMs baby, so of course she is going to think of your baby as part of her family, it’s her baby’s’ baby !

That precious bundle of absolute joy that you have .... you were once that precious bundle of absolute joy too! Enjoy it, and don’t feel that other people in anyway ‘dilute’ your love, they don’t

There’s a difference between ‘our little girl’ and ‘our baby’. The latter suggests that your mother thinks she has more control over raising the baby than you want

It really really doesn't.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable at her saying ‘our’ baby over ‘your’ baby time and time again? Is this normal?

'Your baby' sounds really odd. Who would say that about their DD's child? And when you're unexpectedly pregnant it would almost seem as though she was distancing herself and didn't really approve.

Yeah it's coming from a nice place, she's basically saying 'your child is so welcome as part of the family' without actually saying it.

Wait til the baby is actually born and some random second cousin refers to them as 'my Lucy' or 'my Oliver' or whatever when they're newborn. You may need to be held back from physically injuring them

One side of my family say our a lot, the other doesn’t. The ‘our’ side are more emotionally demonstrative than the other, but they always refer to people as ‘our Claire’ or ‘our Keith’. (Before anyone asks, not from the north so it’s not a regional thing)

They’re a bit more involved, and that side has taken care of relatives’ children when they go back to work and figured out reciprocal arrangements too. Aunts, cousins, grandmothers etc (yes, it IS always the women!) so maybe your Mum anticipates being involved in your child’s upbringing? If that’s not what you want it’s probably best to set some boundaries before your baby arrives.

@CrazySheepLady

Slightly away from your question, but please don't assume your child knows you love them. My parents never hugged me or told me that they loved me. As a result, I grew up thinking I was some monstrous, unlovable and unloved human being. Please don't risk your child ever feeling that way, all for the sake of a few words.

This in spades.

I’m a 40 year old woman who still struggles because of my cold mother who would wriggle free when we touched her.
We grew up with the message we were unloveable and not worth it.

When I challenged her about later she thought it was unnecessary to have to say she loved us, as she bought us so much stuff. Of course she loved us. That message didn’t transpire to us though.

The first time she hugged me was when my own daughter died. I froze it felt so unnatural and wrong. Funny because I didn’t feel like that when anyone else did the same, even some random on the school run or a midwife in the hospital.

I’m not saying you will be like this, but please be mindful for your child’s sake.

@DarcyJack

This is just a colloquialism. And you are being very precious. It's used in exactly the same way as 'our kid' by family members not necessarily parents. Your mum does not think she is actually giving birth! It will be your son or daughter and her new baby (grandchild). Unless she does actually think she will be giving birth in which case take steps to try and get her medical attention straight away.

This^ Reign in the hormones. It is YOUR baby. YOU ARE THE MOTHER! Everybody knows this. But the baby is a member of the family. so it is also Her "baby". She doesn't think she gave birth and she isn't going to nurse it or steal it from its crib and go on the run. She is just using language that shows love and acceptance. Maybe you could try some love and acceptance toward her.

So interesting how if people just better understood their own and others’ ‘love languages’ so much hurt could be avoided. I don’t usually go in for these kind of things but DH and I did some couples counselling and our therapist took us through it. Helped us enormously. Mine is acts of service. Doing something to make my life easier or more pleasant without having to be asked is worth more to me than diamonds. DH needs words of affirmation; to be regularly told he’s appreciated and doing things that make me happy. I’m a ‘deeds not words’ (funnily enough, I had suffragist ancestors!) type of person, so I just didn’t get it. He thought turning up with flowers would help, when really I just didn’t want to have to remind him to put the bins out! 😂

Same goes for parents. My DC is all about words too. My Mum hugged and kissed us lots, but always told me I needed to figure things out for myself and that she wasn’t going to help me because life is hard and I needed to learn. We’ve talked about it at length since!