Mum referring to unborn grandchild as ‘ours’ instead of ‘yours’

[ourbabynotyourbaby]

NC for this. I’m pregnant, third trimester and well aware that I’m potentially being overly sensitive.

Back story: I’m single, pregnancy unplanned but very much wanted. Baby’s dad is involved. I have plenty of support in the form of him, his family, my family and friends. I am not emotionally struggling.

I have a good relationship with my mum but she has always been obsessed with wanting grandkids. This will be her first, and likely only, grandchild. She can be overbearing at times, and is very touchy feely, tactile and open - it’s not a bad thing, but I’m quite the opposite. I’m not a hugger, I keep my emotions to myself. I think I take after my dad - neither of us will say ‘I love you’ as it’s just unspoken that we do, but my mum will gush all sorts of what I see as ‘emotional’ chat. I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate it out loud, it’s not that I don’t feel that way. I hope I can with my child, of course. It’s something I need to work on.

Even since I was in early pregnancy, she has made reference to ‘our’ baby and I feel uncomfortable about it. I’ve just sent her a photo of the nursery and she replied saying ‘looks lovely, all ready for our little baby’.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable at her saying ‘our’ baby over ‘your’ baby time and time again? Is this normal?

I'm a grandmother so I can speak from your DM point of view. I've got four grandchildren and I often say "our girl" or "our boy" to my adult children when referring to their DC. It's just words - we all use different terms and none of it means anything. When I say "our girl" to my daughter I don't mean that GD belongs to me - I just say that to indicate that the child is part of our family.

My advice would be , don't get upset over this , especially since you may need your Mum in the future for help with your baby. Don't bite the hand that feeds you ! Good luck .

I think I take after my dad - neither of us will say ‘I love you’ as it’s just unspoken that we do

Like PP I also have a big problem with this comment of yours. You might think this is fine, don't tell people that you love them , it's unspoken, they'll know ! NO it doesn't work that way . My parents never told me they loved me and I grew up with a huge icy barrier between them and me . I thought that nobody could ever love me, since other people said it to each other so naturally, but nobody ever said it to me .

Bringing up my own children, I said it every day ....yes EVERY day . They grew up knowing that there was no doubt that they were loved . It's a good habit to get into ! Never ever assume that your child "just knows" they are loved without ever being told . Don't do that to your child, op.

I really dislike the possessiveness a lot of mothers, especially first timers, seem to feel towards their babies, and I say this as a first time mum of 4yo!

The baby isn't yours, they don't belong to you in the way a hairbrush or a toaster might belong to you. Instead, they're your baby in the way your brother is your brother. In the same way, your baby is your mother's grandchild.

Of course, parents do have primary say over how baby is raised, I'm not trying to say that a grandparent is as important as a parent, just that the jealous "she's mine!" attitude isn't great.

I think the lack of a distinction in English between "mine (the one that belongs to me)" vs. "mine (the one associated with me)" that lends itself to this.

My mum does it, I love her so it has never bothered me. She is a great nam and does love my children lots, they have a great relationship.

If ot bothers you point it out. I think you are being oversensitive as the more people that love your baby the better but if it upsets you say so.

My MIL used to say 'my' baby. I told her I didn't like it and she stopped. Can you do that?

Tbh now I don't think I'd care as they have a lovely relationship and nana is always available to help which is a lifesaver. So in time, I think you'll just be grateful that you have someone who loves your baby and is there for you both. You'll see the difference it makes when you have parent friends who don't have that family support.

My MIL used to say 'my' baby and it gave me the rage! I now realise it was just my overprotective side coming out, if she says it now I don't bat an eyelid!

Honest to God. How dare she be excited about a baby coming. How dare she sound inclusive in her intention to love that baby and be part of its life.
If you are arguing about semantics now then what hope!
If you have a different loving style- why cant she? Wont a baby need kisses and cuddles from an adoring Gran?

I think it’s perfectly natural to feel a bit protective over your pregnancy/baby OP. I certainly did.

It’s time to be setting out some boundaries with your mum I would guess. I think that’s what this instinct it telling you.

My own DM had a lot of expectations that didn’t fit with my life (or hers) so while she was never overbearing, I could feel her disappointment.

I would advise finding someone you can grizzle about this to but maybe keep the peace with your mum. When you’re out of the baby phase you'll probably be glad.

Oh and as an aside - 'our DC' is very much NOT a colloquialism where I’m from. I don’t know anyone who would say it.

Our is fine. My mil says "my son" all the time. I think saying my can be indicative of a potential problem but our is widely said.

Thanks everyone. Totally get that she does mean ‘our’ as in part of our family now. I certainly won’t be mentioning it to her, and it doesn’t make me irate - I just wondered if it was normal.

The only reason it makes me slightly comfortable is that it comes along with comments and input into what I should be doing already. I haven’t read into it too much as I know she’s just excited, but for example she wants to stay with me for the first few weeks - it’s a lovely gesture as I will definitely need the help, but the baby’s dad is already doing that and I don’t want to feel smothered. When I mentioned probably not wanting to have the baby away from me for overnight stays for at least 6 months, more likely a year - I get told that that’s a bit daft, back when she had me, babies stayed away after a few weeks. Little things like that, plus the ‘our baby’ just had me feeling on edge about her expectations. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, she’s a massive support to me and will love the baby to bits. We’re just quite different.

On the point of not showing much emotion, I did say it’s something I need to work on - I won’t assume my child knows I love them, and I will absolutely tell them. I just struggle to be as open with my emotions and feelings as my mother is, as I find it quite suffocating sometimes.

Again, totally accept IABU.

*slightly uncomfortable!

@CoalCraft

I really dislike the possessiveness a lot of mothers, especially first timers, seem to feel towards their babies, and I say this as a first time mum of 4yo!

The baby isn't yours, they don't belong to you in the way a hairbrush or a toaster might belong to you. Instead, they're your baby in the way your brother is your brother. In the same way, your baby is your mother's grandchild.

Of course, parents do have primary say over how baby is raised, I'm not trying to say that a grandparent is as important as a parent, just that the jealous "she's mine!" attitude isn't great.

I think the lack of a distinction in English between "mine (the one that belongs to me)" vs. "mine (the one associated with me)" that lends itself to this.

Yes but accepting that your baby is a whole separate entity from you, with their own body and thoughts and opinions and family, is something you grow to learn. At the beginning it's normal to feel like you and your baby are an extension of each other.

My mil does this for everyone, well before we had kids. If she talks about sil, she says 'oh our SIL went out for lunch the other day' or 'our X rang me to say'. Then when we had our first it was our baby, our little S.

So I think that it's just from a place of warmth and affection rather than possession.

Though one day we were in the pub having a meal. Mil had had one two many wines, leant across the table and touched my bump then loudly stated, 'I can't wait to hold MY baby.' The two ladies next to us looked a bit shocked. Had to politely remind her that it was in fact my baby but she could still have a cuddle. It really hacked me off for a few weeks but now dd is 3 I can see how much she absolutely adores her and I'm grateful dd has people in her life who love her so much.

I think it's totally normal to feel possessive when they're tiny though so don't beat yourself up about it.

OP, you will be very loving with your child. I'm the same as you, but I hug my DC and tell them I love them more than once a day.

I am not affectionate with my parents. They are very supportive to me and my siblings now, but I had to be emotionally self reliant between about 10 and my mid twenties. You reap what you I'm afraid. I will never have that huggy relationship with my parents and I have no guilt about it.

PIL referred to SIL DC as 'ours' not their son's DC though
They too were a 'massive help' for many years.
My nephews are teens now, and the overinvolvement, intrusion and continued contribution of PIL pushing themselves into every aspect of their upbringing has been counterproductive, the DC are now simply irritated by them. Certainly no special relationship just over familiarity. And SIL so beholden for all the help.
Be wary.

reap what you sow

@121hugsneeded
‘Allow your self a full day... before you announce the birth to the world’.😂
You will eventually come to realise that , outside your little bubble, no one is actually very interested in your baby. Yes, you will get cards and presents and, in normal times, a few visits, but the world is not on tenterhooks waiting for your child. The majority of those ‘desperate to meet’ your infant will have a quick look then go back to their coffee and chat.
Your mother, on the other hand, will be as enchanted as you are with the new arrival, and be a source of support and help. For this, you can tolerate a loving ‘our’ from her.

I can totally see why that would annoy you but like pp said it’s a quirk of language it’s not literal.
I have definitely read on here about mothers addressing their grandkids as “my baby” which is definitely wrong.
Once baby is born hopefully it will be known as its name not “our baby”.

Btw you sound a bit like me. I’m not touchy feely at all, but have no issue being touchy feely and tactile with my own kids.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Ps I recall in pregnancy getting upset by fairly trivial things. Once my mil knitted a lovely blanket for the baby and I was upset by the width of the stripes!!!!
Once baby is born and has a name everything will be fine.

I loved that my DM called baby DD ours. She is ours, our family member.
My would be weirdo territory though.

My husband is from Lancashire. Being called 'Our' Tempusfudgeit by his grandfather was a great honour and showed I was accepted into the family clan 😀

Unless your Mum's Northern, then I would have a quiet word about emotional boundaries. Get it sorted now before this escalates.

[quote Knitterbabe]@121hugsneeded
‘Allow your self a full day... before you announce the birth to the world’.😂
You will eventually come to realise that , outside your little bubble, no one is actually very interested in your baby. Yes, you will get cards and presents and, in normal times, a few visits, but the world is not on tenterhooks waiting for your child. The majority of those ‘desperate to meet’ your infant will have a quick look then go back to their coffee and chat.
Your mother, on the other hand, will be as enchanted as you are with the new arrival, and be a source of support and help. For this, you can tolerate a loving ‘our’ from her.[/quote]
Agree with this.

It is a precious thing to have people who love your child. My children are ao lucky have close relationships with all four grandparents. My children are not my personal possessions and it is not for me to keep them away from their own family.

I am their one and only mother. My realtionship with them is unique and special, and is in no way threatened by them being close to their grandparents.

We’re not northern.

Most of the time it’s in context and doesn’t bother me too much, but I sent the other grandma a photo from the 20 week scan and she asked if I would mind if she posted it on social media. I said no problem. Then my mum messaged me and said ‘did you see other grandma name put a photo of our baby up’, and that felt a little uncomfortable, like she was saying baby was ours and not theirs. Other grandma is also a knitter and keeps putting up photos of things she’s knitted, which my mum jokingly makes comments about as she can’t knit and keeps saying that other grandma better back off etc. I do think it’s all just excitement and love, though. I just find it a little overwhelming at times.

It is her grandchild. She's probably excited. This wouldn't bother me but I can understand there may be a backstory as to why it bothers you (I haven't RTFT)