Mum referring to unborn grandchild as ‘ours’ instead of ‘yours’

[ourbabynotyourbaby]

NC for this. I’m pregnant, third trimester and well aware that I’m potentially being overly sensitive.

Back story: I’m single, pregnancy unplanned but very much wanted. Baby’s dad is involved. I have plenty of support in the form of him, his family, my family and friends. I am not emotionally struggling.

I have a good relationship with my mum but she has always been obsessed with wanting grandkids. This will be her first, and likely only, grandchild. She can be overbearing at times, and is very touchy feely, tactile and open - it’s not a bad thing, but I’m quite the opposite. I’m not a hugger, I keep my emotions to myself. I think I take after my dad - neither of us will say ‘I love you’ as it’s just unspoken that we do, but my mum will gush all sorts of what I see as ‘emotional’ chat. I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate it out loud, it’s not that I don’t feel that way. I hope I can with my child, of course. It’s something I need to work on.

Even since I was in early pregnancy, she has made reference to ‘our’ baby and I feel uncomfortable about it. I’ve just sent her a photo of the nursery and she replied saying ‘looks lovely, all ready for our little baby’.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable at her saying ‘our’ baby over ‘your’ baby time and time again? Is this normal?

Lots of people will probably tell you that you’re being unreasonable, but I’m just like you and can’t stand it when other people are overly affectionate and talk of my children as being ‘theirs’. It often feels competitive (especially when it’s happening between two sets of grandparents) and like they’re laying claim to them. However, to be fair I felt like this most when I was at my worst with PND. The feeling is still there now, but it’s more of a slight annoyance rather than something that really pisses me off like it used to.

It's your child, her grandchild.
It's a member of her family, it's her baby as opposed to the neighbour's baby.
The baby is in our family not their family...

You are taking 'our' in a very specific way, but it has a much wider use.

I did find that it lessened over time though, as when anyone would say, for example, “ahh look at our lovely baby”, I would respond with “yes, my baby is beautiful isn’t she?”. It seemed to drive home the message after a while.

It can be especially tough when baby is newborn though, you feel fiercely protective and even little comments that you would normally shrug off can get you raging.

Oh no, DH’s grand parents referred to our oldest DD when I was pregnant as ‘our baby’ I found it really cute (he’s their only grandchild!) then when I was pregnant with DD2 it was ‘our baby’ too. I love it, they are the best great grandparents. ❤️

Oh OP this made me chuckle. My MIL always referred to my two as "our baby" which made me irrationally mad at the time. I wanted to scream at her "they are not yours, they are mine!". Now they are teenagers I couldn't care less but I do sympathise. My MIL didn't mean anything by it, but it triggered something primeval in me. In a few years you'll be laughing about this as well (congrats on the pregnancy)

You'll get told you're BU, but my MIL did this and it drove me round the twist. She was quite over bearing during pregnancy and it caused some bitterness from me when baby was first born. So no, I don't think YABU.

I've said this to people who aren't even family members . But I do think you're taking it too literally. It sounds like your mum is just excited.

We use "our" in my family but they were very supportive of me as a mum and never took over.
I wouldn't let the words upset me.

I think she is just trying to act like she is really interested to show you that she cares about you. Babies are not that interesting to other people but she's your mother and she loves you and she is going to be enthusiastic for you. That what it implies to me.

My DM went one better, when I was pregnant with DS would refer to him as “my baby”. It drove me nuts.

I think it's harmless and your baby is lucky to be so loved. A few threads recently where grandparents are totally disinterested so you're baby is already blessed. Don't take it personally as I'm sure it comes from a good place

Take it as a sign she is committed to your dc... Maybe she is reassuring you she is most definitely there for you both. Ime an planned baby can bring added worry...
Congratulations anyway op!!

My inlaws refer to grand kids as our John, our Sally. Its fine

My DM used to do this to me in reference to my DCs. She would say ‘how’s my baby’, I’d say ‘I’m fine thank you, DC is ok too’ until she got the message.

Top tip,when you go into labour, and give birth, allow yourself a full day for just you two, before you announce the birth to the world. Those first precious hours should be yours alone. It's the one thing I insisted on ( due to gushy MIL ) and I'm so glad I stuck to my guns on that. Congrats!

Firstly you will beable to speak out to your child about loving them and cuddling with them. I don't tell any1 I love them or hug any1 apart from my children am very closed of to people. 2nd Is she not just saying our like you would talk about other family members I say there's our Tracey (cousin) or there's our Bill (brother).

I think her using "our baby" is fine..............."my baby" would not be!

My mum has called both of my children "my baby" when they are little. It's really irritating but I just ignore,

Think about it though, if she said ‘how’s your baby?’ instead of ‘how’s our baby?’ within a family group. It sounds really weird.
I think you are being U.

My mum still calls DD "my baby". She's 3! It used to drive me bonkers but now that I'm more confident as a mum it doesn't bother me because I know she's my baby and always will be!

I can see me being like your mum. I keep having to explain to my daughter that she was born of me and I still feel a very strong bond. She sees herself as entirely separate, but to me she's still a part of me. So I get your mums use of the word 'our'.

I think you need to chill. It's an amazing thing that love you will feel for your baby and I personally found that it's also amazing to see that grandparents love for your baby too. Surely all that live can only be a good thing?

I think it's great she's so excited. Using the term 'our' is probably about baby being in 'our family' as opposed to partly being her baby. My parents would have used the term when asking about the kids - 'how is our Gloria' for ex. Don't overthink it. Embrace the fact your baby has a loving welcoming family waiting to meet her/him. Once baby arrives, if she is overbearing and trying to have too much influence , just gently remind her that all decisions about baby's care are yours and baby's dad.

Typo sorry. All that love for your baby can only be a good thing. Try to embrace it!!

Gracious. I refer to my grand-dogs are ‘ours’. It will be nice for your baby to learn different people react and show love in different ways and to comfortable with touching and hugging. Touch is generally a good thing.