To tell my SIL to F right off?!!

[FirstladyKirkman]

Sorry its a long one:

FIL has stage 4 brain cancer. He is still at home but over the last couple of weeks he has been struggling with steroid induced diabetes and has not been good. MIL (who suffers from depression anyways) has been really struggling this week and has asked in a family WhatsApp group if someone can go sit with him so she can get out for a couple of hours. Not a problem.

Family situations:

DH works 50+ hours a week.
I work part-time compressed hours of 28, but working all through Covid
DD6
DD22m (currently not speaking and going through screaming phase).

SIL 2 days a week currently on furlough and has been since December.
BIL 37 hours a week
DD19 DD14 DS18 (all live at home still).

As soon as the text came through we sent a message saying DH would come down with the DDs for a couple of hours tomorrow. SIL didn't read the original message until after we replied and swiftly replied with a message saying "I'm not the only one in this bastard family, you rely on me too much, I'm depressed and I've got my own shit to be dealing with and want to spend time with my family"

I am fucking fuming. I wouldn't mind, but her own kids don't want to be anywhere near her due to her drinking and drug taking (takes cocaine throughout the week) the kids don't want to be anywhere near her (niece has told me, and she has told MIL and FIL about her). She sucks them dry of money and they have constantly bailed her out over the years. She goes running to them at the slightest hint of financial difficulty but as soon as they need her she turns round and says something like that! After everything they have done for her. With working throughout the week and with DD going through her screaming phase we do our darndest to see him at least once a week. I speak to MIL on a daily basis, but it's not always easy for us to get down more than that once a week and FIL doesn't want a constantly screaming, whinging toddler around him.

I'm fuming for MIL and I'm fuming for us as her comments are also aimed at us. She's not working and has no "dependant" children!! She's on FB everyday saying what sodding new NF series she's watching, or that she's popping to bed for a nap!

Should I message back or leave it be? They have obviously spoken throughout the day and had a disagreement and she's either had a drink or a line and just blown her top.

YABU - We should be doing more and leave it.

YANBU - Text and tell her she's an absolute arsehole.

Leave it. I’m 100% sure your inlaws would prefer your DH to go and help. She’s clearly not rational or reasonable so why even engage?

Sorry about your FIL.

Don’t tell her she’s an arse, just imply it.

I wouldn't give her rant any merit by acknowledging it.

Ignore it. Its not your fight. Let your PIL deal with her.

Just ignore her. She's embarrassed herself with that message.

Leave it. She is an arsehole but I think you've all got enough to contend with right now without any drama that responding would bring.

Bide your time and knock her block off, ok, daydream about it. And hopefully no one will ever bail the selfish cow out again.

I can't vote because I don't think you should be doing more but I do think you should leave it. Having been in a similar situation for the last 3 years, you won't improve the situation for your MIL or FIL by arguing with her. She doesn't sound to be in a particularly rational place.

I would just leave it. You know who she is and how she behaves, you shouting at her isn't suddenly going to change her into a non-drinking, non-drug taking, responsible adult. The only thing that will happen by you challenging her is that you will wind yourselves up. Engage with your PiL and offer the help that you can manage and ignore her.

wow she's totally mental. Leave well alone, just do as much as you can to support PIL and don't get involved with any of her dramas.

Thanks all for your input. I honestly wish we could do more, and after that message I've been sitting her wracking my brains thinking what we could do to help but we just cant do it. To be fair, yes she probably gets asked to do more than we do as the lives 10 minutes away and we are just under 40mins....BUT it's her sodding Dad. A Dad that has done everything for her, bails her out, no questions asked. ☹️

Are they getting all the support that might be available from other sources? Sometimes it’s friends who do better at things than family. Or professional services. Do the hospice service have any home support?

Send your husband without your toddler. If you can. SIL is a selfish selfish twat.

Ps will she be all over Facebook if the worst happens with your fil? Saying how she did everything for him, etc etc.. sorry your family is going through this.

She is BU but if you say so to her it wont help anyone and will just create more drama for you and your poor inlaws. The thing I'd be worrying mist about really is her 14 year old. Is she safe? I don't want to give you more to do or be worrying about but does she have someone to talk to and somewhere to get away from this, because she's a child coming up to her exams and living in what sounds like somewhere a child shouldn't be at all and the poor girl lives there.

@MatildaTheCat

Yes, respite for a couple of hours starts next week with the local hospice. He's just had two very bad weeks which they are putting down to his diabetes not being managed in the right way following an increase in steroids. He's had adjustments today so fingers crossed they will pull him back in the right direction.

@Mylovelyhorsee

Been there and done that. She announced his diagnosis on FB. Family who hadn't even been told found out about it that way. 🙄

@FirstladyKirkman I’m sorry Op. you sound like you’re doing loads, your poor Fil and Mil.

Does SIL do a lot for them usually? It is tough when you are relied on heavily, everyone has things to do, unfortunately it takes a lot of a family dealing with end of life care. Her reaction would suggest she does help out, Dbro got away without doing much for DM whereas the Dsis x 2 done everything.

Although she sounds vile and you should definitely ignore her, she is not obligated to do anything just because he bails her out regularly ( parents choose to have children and it is their role to support them adulthood, it is then their choice to continue supporting that child. It also sounds like he has been enabling her to continue to behave as she does by constantly bailing her out.)

At this point I would ensure we were doing everything we could as a family to support fil and mil.

If sil is still a nob after the inevitable, then I would deal with that then.

Sorry pressed post too soon. If she only lives 10 minutes away why can’t her children sit with their grandfather for a while?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. We have similar. Keep reminding yourself you can't argue with stupid

Leave it and DH go and visit. I absolutely wouldn’t send him with a toddler going through a screaming phase though.

You’re right to be fuming but I wouldn’t start a text war over it. She sounds unhinged so she wouldn’t respond in a sensible way anyway. Save your time and energy for your MIL/FIL. Sorry to hear you’re in this situation, it sounds very difficult.

40mins....BUT it's her sodding Dad. And your husbands.
Living 10 minutes is a nightmare in these situations, you get we can't, we're busy, we're so far away you'd be quicker doing it.
Been there have the 10 minute t shirt.
If MIL suffers depression too she's probably had years of helping, the drugs are probably SIL's escape.

@Emeraldshamrock

No nothing out of the ordinary/above and beyond the norm.