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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my SIL to F right off?!!

127 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 26/03/2021 17:50

Sorry its a long one:

FIL has stage 4 brain cancer. He is still at home but over the last couple of weeks he has been struggling with steroid induced diabetes and has not been good. MIL (who suffers from depression anyways) has been really struggling this week and has asked in a family WhatsApp group if someone can go sit with him so she can get out for a couple of hours. Not a problem.

Family situations:

DH works 50+ hours a week.
I work part-time compressed hours of 28, but working all through Covid
DD6
DD22m (currently not speaking and going through screaming phase).

SIL 2 days a week currently on furlough and has been since December.
BIL 37 hours a week
DD19 DD14 DS18 (all live at home still).

As soon as the text came through we sent a message saying DH would come down with the DDs for a couple of hours tomorrow. SIL didn't read the original message until after we replied and swiftly replied with a message saying "I'm not the only one in this bastard family, you rely on me too much, I'm depressed and I've got my own shit to be dealing with and want to spend time with my family"

I am fucking fuming. I wouldn't mind, but her own kids don't want to be anywhere near her due to her drinking and drug taking (takes cocaine throughout the week) the kids don't want to be anywhere near her (niece has told me, and she has told MIL and FIL about her). She sucks them dry of money and they have constantly bailed her out over the years. She goes running to them at the slightest hint of financial difficulty but as soon as they need her she turns round and says something like that! After everything they have done for her. With working throughout the week and with DD going through her screaming phase we do our darndest to see him at least once a week. I speak to MIL on a daily basis, but it's not always easy for us to get down more than that once a week and FIL doesn't want a constantly screaming, whinging toddler around him.

I'm fuming for MIL and I'm fuming for us as her comments are also aimed at us. She's not working and has no "dependant" children!! She's on FB everyday saying what sodding new NF series she's watching, or that she's popping to bed for a nap!

Should I message back or leave it be? They have obviously spoken throughout the day and had a disagreement and she's either had a drink or a line and just blown her top.

YABU - We should be doing more and leave it.

YANBU - Text and tell her she's an absolute arsehole.

OP posts:

Ohdobequiet · 27/03/2021 21:16

Ignore her - not her kids - just her.

Rillington · 27/03/2021 21:21

You are focussing too much on her. When he has sadly passed away just concern yourself with what you have done. Personally I would be there every day if it was my Dad. She can live with her guilt.

Mamanyt · 28/03/2021 00:32

I'm in quite a mean mood today, very little sleep, and feeling a bit icky after second vaccine jab, so take this with the proverbial grain of salt. Given SIL's general demeanor and her drug habit, I'd say that FIL would be far, far better off with you and your DH doing more, but I would most certainly tell SIL that the reason you're stepping up is that she isn't capable of walking and chewing gum at the same time.

Graphista · 28/03/2021 00:47

Pointless arguing with her. It's a case of "never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig likes it"!

I've been there. With my sister with whom I am now blissfully nc.

Manage the situation as best you can for your family. I would not be involved in a group chat with her at all and would communicate with parents in law separately.

It's a horrible time for everyone and you don't need to be dealing with her crap too

SeaToSki · 28/03/2021 02:33

I would ignore SIL and send the nieces and nephews a message asking them if they would like to visit their GPs and offering to help make it happen. Might just prompt them to go over on their own as I am sure that SIL isnt suggesting it to them. They might be glad to have the memory of being helpful and sitting with the GPs or running the odd errand.

Taikoo · 28/03/2021 02:44

You can't argue with crazy.
Just ignore the mad SIL

ipodtherforipoor · 28/03/2021 03:23

@FirstladyKirkman

Sorry its a long one:

Family situations:

DH works 50+ hours a week.
I work part-time compressed hours of 28, but working all through Covid
DD6
DD22m (currently not speaking and going through screaming phase).

SIL 2 days a week currently on furlough and has been since December.
BIL 37 hours a week
DD19 DD14 DS18 (all live at home still).

Should I message back or leave it be? They have obviously spoken throughout the day and had a disagreement and she's either had a drink or a line and just blown her top.

YABU - We should be doing more and leave it.

YANBU - Text and tell her she's an absolute arsehole.

Telling sister in laws to fuck orff is the best

justilou1 · 28/03/2021 06:41

Fuck off and enjoy seeing “Dave the Dealer” instead of your dying father or your kids who want nothing to do with you anymore. Have a nice life.

Ddot · 28/03/2021 06:58

WHAT SIL! Just say nothing, do what you can and ignore her existence

Aprilx · 28/03/2021 07:19

@FirstladyKirkman

Thanks all for your input. I honestly wish we could do more, and after that message I've been sitting her wracking my brains thinking what we could do to help but we just cant do it. To be fair, yes she probably gets asked to do more than we do as the lives 10 minutes away and we are just under 40mins....BUT it's her sodding Dad. A Dad that has done everything for her, bails her out, no questions asked. ☹️

BUT it’s her sodding dad

I was kind of with you until this post, it is your husbands “sodding dad” too.

I think you’d SIL was very unpleasant to send a message like that, but you admit she does more, you are not very far away either and I don’t hint your DH is working particularly long hours, I have spent most of my career in the city and those hours seem quite normal to me. There maybe some truth that your DH is leaving his sister to shoulder the burden because his time is oh so far more important than hers, daughters often are the ones shouldering the bulk.

BusyLizzie61 · 28/03/2021 09:00

[quote FirstladyKirkman]@3AndStopping

He works 12 hour shifts. Trust me he is getting there as much as he possibly can and he speaks to his DM every night as soon as he gets in. I go down on my days off (tues and thurs) but DD2 is a nightmare at the moment.

@tiredybear

She has always liked a drink and a gram. For many many years. Normally a Friday thing but because of lockdown it's become more and more frequent. FIL only got diagnosis in December so her usage (increase) isn't predominantly down to his illness.[/quote]
I don't think that your lo being a nightmare is a reason not to go though. You'd presumably still go if it were your parent.

I do think that even if with 13 hour shifts that your oh needs to perhaps go there from work. If you were also going Tues and Thurs, and a weekend family visit would sound appropriate. It's not going to be for long after all....

pam290358 · 28/03/2021 09:35

Can you bypass her altogether and maybe get professional help ? Most LA’s do a sitting service as part of a care package - although there would be a charge if PIL’s savings are over the limit. Are MacMillan involved - perhaps they could suggest something to make it a more regular bit of respite for MIL. Marie Curie also provide home nursing care, in conjunction with NHS - you’d need a referral from your GP - here’s a link to their website for more info - www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/nursing-services/get-marie-curie-nurse

In any case it sounds as though MIL could do with some targeted help and just read your reply in which you say he’s in line for some respite care. It might be worth mentioning this to the agency who organised this, as they may be able to provide a sitting service or similar to give MIL a bit of a breather. So sorry this is happening, it must be awful for all concerned. I’d give your SIL a wide berth - sounds very unstable and probably not good for her to be around PIL anyway. Announcing his illness on FB is just about the most insensitive thing I’ve heard in a long time. She sounds a nightmare.

MeandT · 28/03/2021 09:36

Cocaine does not make for rational people.

@FirstladyKirkman 'Well she has replied calling her DM nasty and that "she's done" and left the group. Excellent. 🤦‍♀️😕' as others have said, this is the best possible outcome.

You do you. Communicate with your MIL directly. Maybe call her for support a few more times a week times a week around visits. Try to facilitate the niece & nephew seeing their grandparents if you can help with that at all.

Don't get dragged into the drama and guilt you'd like to project onto your SIL - it's passing her by at 60,000 feet at the moment, so waste no more time on her

Ddot · 28/03/2021 10:03

Could you afford to get her a smart phone and internet if she doesn't have. Skype is wonderful when your lonely

poppy54321 · 28/03/2021 11:34

She is an addict. The addiction will come first. I would check on the children regularly. How are they coping. You can learn about addicts from family groups on Facebook. There is nothing wrong with speaking to her about her addiction. Family like must be terrible. I would use this as a reason to intervene. See if she will go to rehab.

poppy54321 · 28/03/2021 11:34

*life

angelfacecuti75 · 28/03/2021 11:49

Ignore op .
Not because she doesn't need a dose of home truth, not because she doesn't deserve to be told or called out on your behaviour but she isn't your sister , she isn't your problem.

Ofallthethings · 28/03/2021 12:03

She is taking cocaine , possibly addicted and may also have a drink problem? You need to revise your expectations of her right down to nil, and I wouldn't respond to any of her aggressive messages. The addictions probably drive her behaviour. You need to ignore her and just concentrate on doing what is right for your FIL.

Can your DH get some time off, most employers have policies for a terminally ill family member, he may be entitled to extra leave. Do you have the numbers of her children, perhaps DH or you could check they're okay, that the 14 year old is getting fed etc. It is worrying that they're there with her in this state.

Bonheurdupasse · 28/03/2021 13:00

Going on a completely separate tangent as don’t think you can do anything about the current situation.

If you haven’t - and indeed even if you have - had a discussion with your DH about this following subject, do so ASAP:

That you have to agree that when FIL / MIL / her own kids etc stop bailing SIL out, DH and you will not ever do it. Never . To no amount, in no circumstances.
Impress upon him how serious you are.

Margerine78 · 28/03/2021 14:31

I read the start of this and in my head gave SIL benefit of doubt thinking she might be really upset about her Dad, THEN I read the coke/booze part, anyone doing that much coke has a problem and addicts are the most selfish arseholes ever and there's no reasoning with them. I'm not judgemental, I'm an ex party girl, but my Step Dad and Mum were alcoholics, and my ex best mate was a really bad coke head and she was toxic so I had to cut ties with her. Sounds like SIL doesn't want anything infringing on her 'party' time.

smilingontheinside · 28/03/2021 15:45

I'm afraid I'm the type that would tell her what I thought as well. Had this when my mother was hospitalised. All her neighbours saying oh your poor sister having to do everything. She visited a couple times a week, had two older kids and a pt job. I had two young kids at school, ft job, visited every other pm and washed her soiled sleepwear and did any shopping for stuff she needed whilst in hospital. Found out my sister claimed petrol and parking for visiting after mother died. The neighbours got told that she was not the only one to visit etc but did like to play the "hard done by card for sympathy" which made them shut up. What happened after mothers death has meant that I no longer have anything to do with my sister after showing her true colours. Do what you can and maybe your OH can give his sister a talking to for upsetting their parents at thus difficult time.

Seriously1996 · 29/03/2021 17:53

My Sister thinks she has the busiest life. Even though i work and have 4 children. She works part time and has 1 child. I am always on call for our parents. Apparently because i live 20 minutes closer. Half the time i just get on with it. Sister on the other hand has to tell all and sundry what she was called upon to do. Every Christmas she promises to have our parents over for Christmas dinner to give me a break .Every year she finds some excuse to why she cant. I'm used to it now so i just work my parents into the seating plan along with my brood.

Hhusky · 29/03/2021 18:59

People like her want you to reply to start an argument and will no doubt play victim and make you the bad guy. I would leave it.

YukoandHiro · 29/03/2021 19:22

Leave her to it for now and focus on DFIL. She will come back when she's ready.
Can you insulate DFIL from it a bit? It's not fair for him to have to worry about being the cause of this on top of his illness

whatttt · 07/07/2021 17:49

@FirstladyKirkman
How are things now ?

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