Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my SIL to F right off?!!

127 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 26/03/2021 17:50

Sorry its a long one:

FIL has stage 4 brain cancer. He is still at home but over the last couple of weeks he has been struggling with steroid induced diabetes and has not been good. MIL (who suffers from depression anyways) has been really struggling this week and has asked in a family WhatsApp group if someone can go sit with him so she can get out for a couple of hours. Not a problem.

Family situations:

DH works 50+ hours a week.
I work part-time compressed hours of 28, but working all through Covid
DD6
DD22m (currently not speaking and going through screaming phase).

SIL 2 days a week currently on furlough and has been since December.
BIL 37 hours a week
DD19 DD14 DS18 (all live at home still).

As soon as the text came through we sent a message saying DH would come down with the DDs for a couple of hours tomorrow. SIL didn't read the original message until after we replied and swiftly replied with a message saying "I'm not the only one in this bastard family, you rely on me too much, I'm depressed and I've got my own shit to be dealing with and want to spend time with my family"

I am fucking fuming. I wouldn't mind, but her own kids don't want to be anywhere near her due to her drinking and drug taking (takes cocaine throughout the week) the kids don't want to be anywhere near her (niece has told me, and she has told MIL and FIL about her). She sucks them dry of money and they have constantly bailed her out over the years. She goes running to them at the slightest hint of financial difficulty but as soon as they need her she turns round and says something like that! After everything they have done for her. With working throughout the week and with DD going through her screaming phase we do our darndest to see him at least once a week. I speak to MIL on a daily basis, but it's not always easy for us to get down more than that once a week and FIL doesn't want a constantly screaming, whinging toddler around him.

I'm fuming for MIL and I'm fuming for us as her comments are also aimed at us. She's not working and has no "dependant" children!! She's on FB everyday saying what sodding new NF series she's watching, or that she's popping to bed for a nap!

Should I message back or leave it be? They have obviously spoken throughout the day and had a disagreement and she's either had a drink or a line and just blown her top.

YABU - We should be doing more and leave it.

YANBU - Text and tell her she's an absolute arsehole.

OP posts:
BanditoShipman · 26/03/2021 20:16

Do what you can and think you.should. Then when this is over you will be able to live with yourself. It’s up to her what she does/doesn’t do as she will have to live with it.

We sent a lot of time with my Gran in her final weeks, strangely they were (in spite of the horror of some of what happened) good times, it was a privilege to be with her in those days and my mum and I shared that as an experience.

So sorry your family is going through this.

Original poster
FirstladyKirkman · 26/03/2021 20:24

DH just sent a message to the WhatsApp group saying that we should all be supporting, not turning on each other as we are all upset, angry, over sensitive and that we should all leave the group tonight, get a decent night's sleep and regroup in the morning. His mum replied with "couldn't agree more" No reply from DSIL.

OP posts:
Hyacinth88 · 26/03/2021 20:27

I've not gone for either option.
I'd leave it.
Ie not message her but do as you've agreed

Lollypop4 · 26/03/2021 20:35

I'd send a message on group ,stating what you have about her above.
I often say what I think though and get in trouble for it!
But yes your husband has responded well

Original poster
FirstladyKirkman · 26/03/2021 21:20

Well she has replied calling her DM nasty and that "she's done" and left the group. Excellent. 🤦‍♀️😕

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 26/03/2021 21:27

Not sure what you expected really. It’s who she is. It’s what she does.

Naunet · 26/03/2021 21:37

If she doesn't know, of course she would wonder why

No, the point is, she DOESNT wonder why.

Cherrysoup · 26/03/2021 21:48

Quite frankly, that’s the best outcome, no-one needs her shit. She’s a proper arsehole.

1FootInTheRave · 26/03/2021 22:36

Sil is a nob.

But, do not become embroiled in a row. Do your best to support your ils. That is the priority now. Other issues can be discussed at a later date.

Could you head over with your dh and take the kids?

andweallsingalong · 26/03/2021 22:48

Slight tangent, but SIL is an addict and one of her parents is dying. There's a chance she's not coping and her addiction is spiralling leaving her chaotic, unreliable and out of control.

If that's the case then she's too caught up in her own issues to help and you need to realise that she's in a place where she can't help and keep an eye out for her kids.

It sucks, but better to be realistic and move on so you can concentrate on your PIL.

Alternista · 26/03/2021 22:49

Her leaving the group is the best outcome tbh.

Now just focus on supporting your DH and his parents.

User5747384 · 26/03/2021 22:56

I think if I was your DH I would try and get down there a bit more, even if it meant trying to cut down my hours a bit at work.
It's a stressful time I certainly wouldn't be getting in a text war with her.

Alis25 · 27/03/2021 17:30

She has mental health issues and may only just be hanging on to any resemblance of normality herself. It’s very tough on you and rest of family but I’d try and step back from reacting. Whatever the reason for it, having precarious mental health is extremely difficult for everyone to deal with but it’s worse for the person dealing with it. Just let her be.

HideousKinky · 27/03/2021 17:40

I really think you should stay out of this and leave it to your DH to manage the situation between his sister and his parents, and support him in this as best you can

josbd · 27/03/2021 17:45

I'm so sorry OP.

There is no point in having a go, simply because she won't hear you and will be playing the victim anyway. And that will make you even more angry.

She really is a selfish cow`

LadyLolaRuben · 27/03/2021 18:26

I'd preserve your energy for your family and inlaws. You can't reason with a drug addiction and alcoholic. Take care Flowers

Babygotblueyes · 27/03/2021 18:32

My sister was like this when my mum was dying despite me working full time and she being retired and living on the same damn road as my mum. As someone else said you cant argue with stupid. Or selfish.

YukoandHiro · 27/03/2021 18:34

It was a rude message to send but daughters generally do end up doing way more parental care than sons and maybe she's feeling a bit exhausted at how her own life has had adaptations to fit parental needs.
Let DH go to his dad alone. Don't respond to or acknowledge the rude message. Let it cool down a bit for a week or so and then get DH to give SIL a call to find out what's going on with her and what extra help he might be able to offer.
Most employers allow some unpaid care leave for terminally ill family

Melm22 · 27/03/2021 19:17

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this frigging self absorbed idiot! YANBU!

If it were me I'd speak to her or at least get her brother to! So bloody rude!

Looubylou · 27/03/2021 19:26

I am concerned for her youngest child - they are at risk of harm. Do they have someone to turn to?

roxanne119 · 27/03/2021 19:33

If she’s taking drugs you not going to have a rational argument and win with her .stay well away don’t involve yourself in that mess . Help where you can and don’t beat yourself up about it .

winniestone37 · 27/03/2021 20:08

She’s mental, leave it - she will never ever see anyone else’s point of view.

tommyhoundmum · 27/03/2021 20:23

Don't retaliate. Ignore. Good luck

Seahorsemama · 27/03/2021 20:35

Ignore it. She is a moron

mumda · 27/03/2021 20:35

Think about how you'll feel when you can no longer visit.
Ignore the sil.