To tell my SIL to F right off?!!

[FirstladyKirkman]

Sorry its a long one:

FIL has stage 4 brain cancer. He is still at home but over the last couple of weeks he has been struggling with steroid induced diabetes and has not been good. MIL (who suffers from depression anyways) has been really struggling this week and has asked in a family WhatsApp group if someone can go sit with him so she can get out for a couple of hours. Not a problem.

Family situations:

DH works 50+ hours a week.
I work part-time compressed hours of 28, but working all through Covid
DD6
DD22m (currently not speaking and going through screaming phase).

SIL 2 days a week currently on furlough and has been since December.
BIL 37 hours a week
DD19 DD14 DS18 (all live at home still).

As soon as the text came through we sent a message saying DH would come down with the DDs for a couple of hours tomorrow. SIL didn't read the original message until after we replied and swiftly replied with a message saying "I'm not the only one in this bastard family, you rely on me too much, I'm depressed and I've got my own shit to be dealing with and want to spend time with my family"

I am fucking fuming. I wouldn't mind, but her own kids don't want to be anywhere near her due to her drinking and drug taking (takes cocaine throughout the week) the kids don't want to be anywhere near her (niece has told me, and she has told MIL and FIL about her). She sucks them dry of money and they have constantly bailed her out over the years. She goes running to them at the slightest hint of financial difficulty but as soon as they need her she turns round and says something like that! After everything they have done for her. With working throughout the week and with DD going through her screaming phase we do our darndest to see him at least once a week. I speak to MIL on a daily basis, but it's not always easy for us to get down more than that once a week and FIL doesn't want a constantly screaming, whinging toddler around him.

I'm fuming for MIL and I'm fuming for us as her comments are also aimed at us. She's not working and has no "dependant" children!! She's on FB everyday saying what sodding new NF series she's watching, or that she's popping to bed for a nap!

Should I message back or leave it be? They have obviously spoken throughout the day and had a disagreement and she's either had a drink or a line and just blown her top.

YABU - We should be doing more and leave it.

YANBU - Text and tell her she's an absolute arsehole.

Are you working tomorrow - does your Dh really need to take the kids?

No nothing out of the ordinary/above and beyond the norm.
Is it daily shop runs, collecting prescription, making appointments, washing a few dishes, it all adds up.
It sounds like she has reached her limit in fairness.

Why can't her older dc help out ?

Ignore - please, for all of you

@Emeraldshamrock

She does none of that. Literally nothing. If she did I would completely understand. She hasn't been over once this week.

I have told DH to leave LO with me but he's spoken to his DM (neither mentioned the message) and she said that he likes to see the kids because they make him smile.

I didn't vote because although you should leave it, it doesn't sound like you can do more. Try not to feel guilty, you will never feel like you did enough. It does sound like your SIL has a real problem, which is so unfortunate at a time when the family needs to pull together. for you OP

@MatildaTheCat

Leave it. I’m 100% sure your inlaws would prefer your DH to go and help. She’s clearly not rational or reasonable so why even engage?

Sorry about your FIL.

Agree.

Just ignore. If you respond in any way she will love it because it will give her an opportunity to ramp up the drama.

Don't give her the satisfaction.

I think it sounds like the SIL is a bit of an Arse but it may be that she’s doing more than you realise behind the scenes.

I’d not say anything.

@FirstladyKirkman I see. She isn't worth confronting then you'll only upset yourself.
It is a really tough time.
Would her teenagers oblige if MIL asked.
It's very sad.

MIL replied saying that she won't ask her for help anymore. She said yes I did feel as if you had let me down as you said you would come over weds and you didn't saying you would be over Thursday instead, and then you didn't and then said you would be over today and then you called to say you wouldn't be. 🤷‍♀️

I’m afraid I’d be telling her exactly what I thought, but I’m like that. I feel fuming for you op! What a cretin your sil is.

But her children are all old enough to go sit with their grandad for an hour. My kids would be there with their grandparents like a shot, he won't be here long. They need to spend time with him. Although with a mother like that I'm not surprised. Selfish cow

Ignore her, she wants the attention and drama.

Post a (slightly passive aggressive) link to this article about circles of support for cancer patients. (Basically support inwards, dump outwards never on the patient or their caregiver.)
Circle of support

She just replied saying "we are all going through it together, don't put on me just because you've had a shitty week!"

I'd go with ignore.

Not because she doesn't deserve to be called out on her behaviour but because you need to focus on MIL and FIL and you don't want his last time here spent arguing.

Spend it doing what you can with him when you can.

Just ignore it.

She sounds delightful, but at the risk of being rude it sounds like your FIL has two children. This is for your DH to step up and do (preferably without a toddler).

It's really not your circus, not your monkey. You shouldn't message back. It's not your job to interfere between MIL and SIL. What your DH chooses to do about it is up to him - it's his family.

What an insensitive cow, she needs a kick in the fanny.

DH has just spoken to his mum and reiterated that he's always here and that he's going down tomorrow without kids (despite DM saying to bring them). SIL let her down today to go and see her friend (she said his name, aka dealer) 😕

You know what? Don't waste time thinking "she should...". That's for her to decide and her to live with afterwards. You do you. My MIL passed a few weeks ago and in the last three or four months of her life, I would rush over when her family member living with her needed help, which meant I was making daily trips and endless phone calls to consultants etc. because I was the best person for the job. Her daughter, my SIL, lived three doors away from her, and I live 20 miles away. But I knew I could help and so I did. I didn't stand and point and say "she should..." and I know she appreciated it, as did her family.

You do what you can, and you do it for the right reasons. You don't look at others and decide what they do 🤷‍♀️

Just to give a different perspective, my brothers partner thinks I’m a bitch for not making any effort with my dad. What she and my brother don’t know is that my dad abused me when I was a kid, so frankly she can fuck off with her judgements when she has no clue what she’s talking about.

I’m not suggesting this is the case with you FIL obviously, but the point is you may be completely unaware of issues she has with her parents.

Ignore her...let MIL & DH deal with her in whatever way they choose. Replying to her will just feed the drama & prob escalate the tone of her replies (she sounds like a nasty piece) & enrage you even more...so not worth engaging at her level. It must be very hard, sorry your FIL is so poorly.

Good grief, she sounds ghastly. It's so tempting to respond to her messages but I think the best thing is to respond how you wish to in your head but completely ignore her on the family WhatsApp. Don't poke the bear or give her the attention/row she's obviously trying to get. I think I'd be ignoring her indefinately to be honest. She sounds quite toxic.