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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my SIL to F right off?!!

127 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 26/03/2021 17:50

Sorry its a long one:

FIL has stage 4 brain cancer. He is still at home but over the last couple of weeks he has been struggling with steroid induced diabetes and has not been good. MIL (who suffers from depression anyways) has been really struggling this week and has asked in a family WhatsApp group if someone can go sit with him so she can get out for a couple of hours. Not a problem.

Family situations:

DH works 50+ hours a week.
I work part-time compressed hours of 28, but working all through Covid
DD6
DD22m (currently not speaking and going through screaming phase).

SIL 2 days a week currently on furlough and has been since December.
BIL 37 hours a week
DD19 DD14 DS18 (all live at home still).

As soon as the text came through we sent a message saying DH would come down with the DDs for a couple of hours tomorrow. SIL didn't read the original message until after we replied and swiftly replied with a message saying "I'm not the only one in this bastard family, you rely on me too much, I'm depressed and I've got my own shit to be dealing with and want to spend time with my family"

I am fucking fuming. I wouldn't mind, but her own kids don't want to be anywhere near her due to her drinking and drug taking (takes cocaine throughout the week) the kids don't want to be anywhere near her (niece has told me, and she has told MIL and FIL about her). She sucks them dry of money and they have constantly bailed her out over the years. She goes running to them at the slightest hint of financial difficulty but as soon as they need her she turns round and says something like that! After everything they have done for her. With working throughout the week and with DD going through her screaming phase we do our darndest to see him at least once a week. I speak to MIL on a daily basis, but it's not always easy for us to get down more than that once a week and FIL doesn't want a constantly screaming, whinging toddler around him.

I'm fuming for MIL and I'm fuming for us as her comments are also aimed at us. She's not working and has no "dependant" children!! She's on FB everyday saying what sodding new NF series she's watching, or that she's popping to bed for a nap!

Should I message back or leave it be? They have obviously spoken throughout the day and had a disagreement and she's either had a drink or a line and just blown her top.

YABU - We should be doing more and leave it.

YANBU - Text and tell her she's an absolute arsehole.

OP posts:
Shrivelled · 26/03/2021 19:22

Your SIL can’t be relied on to provide care or company. She’s made that clear and nothing you say will change that. Your DH needs to act like an only child and do what an only child would do. Either increase his visiting or ask for more help from carers. No one’s going to thank you for fueling the fire and telling your SIL what you think of her. Just leave the WhatsApp group and don’t get involved. Sorry about your FIL Flowers

NigellaAwesome · 26/03/2021 19:24

I've voted YABU, not because I think you should be doing more, but because you won't gain anything from texting her. In my limited experience coke always turns people into arseholes.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2021 19:27

Your SiL is a real piece of work. But if she has alcohol/drug problems would she really be of much help/support to your iLs if she did go see them or would she be more of a burden to their emotional well-being?

In times like these it's best to just let go of what she should be doing and focus on what you can do. If you don't, resentment and anger will just drag you down and make a hard time even harder.

As far as messaging her, I wouldn't. Why waste your precious time and effort on someone who can't and won't really listen to what you're saying. And chances are she'll take it out on your iLs anyway and who wants that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/03/2021 19:27

@CoffeePhoenix

You know what? Don't waste time thinking "she should...". That's for her to decide and her to live with afterwards. You do you. My MIL passed a few weeks ago and in the last three or four months of her life, I would rush over when her family member living with her needed help, which meant I was making daily trips and endless phone calls to consultants etc. because I was the best person for the job. Her daughter, my SIL, lived three doors away from her, and I live 20 miles away. But I knew I could help and so I did. I didn't stand and point and say "she should..." and I know she appreciated it, as did her family.

You do what you can, and you do it for the right reasons. You don't look at others and decide what they do 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry about your FIL.

I agree with this though, very much so. All your focus is on your SIL and her deficiencies. They're not for you to resolve. Do what you're able and live in peace with your decisions. That's it. Let everybody else do their own thing.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/03/2021 19:27

@Eskarina1

I can't vote because I don't think you should be doing more but I do think you should leave it. Having been in a similar situation for the last 3 years, you won't improve the situation for your MIL or FIL by arguing with her. She doesn't sound to be in a particularly rational place.
Same as this really
3AndStopping · 26/03/2021 19:30

I dread to think of the day where I’m dying to brain cancer & my kids are arguing over/making excuses about who has to come & sit with me.

Stage 4 brain cancer & your DH only managed once a week? His dying right... wouldn’t he want to spend as much time as possible there?

SIL sounds a nightmare, but that’s not your battle to fight IMO.

tiredybear · 26/03/2021 19:32

I agree with PP...you should stay well out of it and not respond.

But....is SIL maybe acting so atrociously because she's not handling her dad's illness at all well? Turning to substance abuse as a (BAD) way of coping?

LoobyLoo515 · 26/03/2021 19:32

Just ignore her. Your in-laws know what she's like and will appreciate the support you're giving them. She's being horribly selfish but no amount of communication will make any difference so just ignore and deal with the situation like she doesn't exist. I've been in a very similar situation with my brother when my parents were ill. After they died I could say I'd no regrets and did everything I could to make their time left as comfortable and supported as possible. He could never say that.

Notaroadrunner · 26/03/2021 19:33

@FirstladyKirkman

She just replied saying "we are all going through it together, don't put on me just because you've had a shitty week!"
She needs a slap!
2021isalsorubbish · 26/03/2021 19:34

I’d go the other way ‘ SIL we are so worried about you, it’s not like you to be a total bitch. Hope you are ok. Sending thoughts and prayers’

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 19:34

I don't think we need all the stuff about the family. Just go as planned and ignore her.

ChaToilLeam · 26/03/2021 19:37

You wouldn’t be unreasonable, but it won’t do any good either. Do your best to ignore her. She sounds awful.

Groovee · 26/03/2021 19:37

My half siblings were the same. Suddenly by my dad's bedside as he slipped away, wailing loudly about him passing away. But rarely seen at his unless they wanted something. I saw him at least twice a week and ensured he had everything he needed. My Dd would sit with him while I took my mum to do her food shop.

Now they're sat waiting on an inheritance that won't be coming. My dad left everything to my mum.

Original poster
FirstladyKirkman · 26/03/2021 19:43

@3AndStopping

He works 12 hour shifts. Trust me he is getting there as much as he possibly can and he speaks to his DM every night as soon as he gets in. I go down on my days off (tues and thurs) but DD2 is a nightmare at the moment.

@tiredybear

She has always liked a drink and a gram. For many many years. Normally a Friday thing but because of lockdown it's become more and more frequent. FIL only got diagnosis in December so her usage (increase) isn't predominantly down to his illness.

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 26/03/2021 19:46

Sometimes all go as a family and you could go for a walk with the kids for some of the time, leaving dh time with fil when he gets tired of the kids. Sometimes let dh take 6 year old and sometimes let him go on his own.

Ignore sil. She's marked her card.

mbosnz · 26/03/2021 19:48

OP, I've got an entire folder of emails I really wanted to send to inlaws. If I had, it would have made it worse for everyone. Your SIL is a piece of work, and nothing aint a gonna change that. Unfortunately it leaves you and DH in the hotseat.

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/03/2021 19:51

Ignore her, she is irrelevant. Just concentrate on supporting your husband to support his parents as much as possible. Can he take compassionate leave? Or you could put the children in childcare so that you can go instead?

Mookie81 · 26/03/2021 19:55

@Naunet

Just to give a different perspective, my brothers partner thinks I’m a bitch for not making any effort with my dad. What she and my brother don’t know is that my dad abused me when I was a kid, so frankly she can fuck off with her judgements when she has no clue what she’s talking about.

I’m not suggesting this is the case with you FIL obviously, but the point is you may be completely unaware of issues she has with her parents.

If she doesn't know, of course she would wonder why Confused.
Blackdog19 · 26/03/2021 20:00

I haven’t voted because I don’t think you’re unreasonable but I do think you should just leave her alone. She’s selfish, and I don’t think that will change.

mixedfeelsaboutthispl · 26/03/2021 20:00

She sounds like she's been a crap family member long before this - why let her bother you if you know what she's like. Just ignore and do you own thing-if she sends horrible messages just send back a 👍🏽 no proper reply needed

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/03/2021 20:01

Cant vote because it sounds like you are doing all you can. As for the SIL. Ignore her completely, it will only cause more bother to argue with her. Sorry you are going through this but at least your MIL has the two of you to rely on

UhtredRagnarson · 26/03/2021 20:05

She’s very clearly a dickhead. I’m not sure why you’d expect her not to be in this case too. You won’t achieve anything by contacting her. Don’t waste your energy. Do what you can for MIL/FIL and never mind what she does or doesn’t do.

callmeH · 26/03/2021 20:05

@Disneyforever1974

Although she sounds vile and you should definitely ignore her, she is not obligated to do anything just because he bails her out regularly ( parents choose to have children and it is their role to support them adulthood, it is then their choice to continue supporting that child. It also sounds like he has been enabling her to continue to behave as she does by constantly bailing her out.)
I think that the OP's FIL has enough problems without being blamed for his daughter's brattish behaviour!
Dressinggownchic · 26/03/2021 20:08

YANBU but calling her out won’t make you feel any better. You guys sound like you are doing your best, that’s good enough.

FudgeFlake · 26/03/2021 20:10

She's an addict. They are completely unreliable about everything, and confabulate stuff to justify themselves whenever what is left of their social responsibility conscience occurs in their delusional train of thought. OP I'm truly sorry, it's really shit having one in the family because we continue to love them and want to help.