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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Brunt0n · 26/03/2021 14:03

@jellybellybanana

He could make up the time another time once the covid scare is over

Parenting doesn't work like that.

Plus, he’s about to have another excuse child so unlikely he’ll be spending more time with the older children
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/03/2021 14:04

@Sirzy

I find it really sad that some people would class young children going to the home of their father as visitors
I know. Many do though and lots feel they should have to stick to set days and not ask for extra etc.

Germs are part and parcel of having children. Surely if you were that worried about them you wouldn’t have chosen to get pregnant in a pandemic where you will have to go into hospitals etc.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 26/03/2021 14:05

@jellybellybanana

He could make up the time another time once the covid scare is over

Parenting doesn't work like that.

Quite. Being a parent isn't an office job. You don't tot up the hours and claim them back or make them up later. This is possibly one of the most absurd suggestions I have ever read on here.
Bibidy · 26/03/2021 14:05

@Fridget

I think the replies on this thread are ridiculous. Of course OP can’t wash her hands of her step children, or expect her partner not to take responsibility. No one is suggesting that. She wasn’t suggesting he don’t see the children, only that he give them tea not at their home to avoid her getting ill.

That’s in the context that she has had two losses and is in the first trimester and is scared of getting ill during a pandemic. Have a fucking heart some of you.

Being a decent stepmother doesn’t mean you aren’t ever entitled to consider yourself at all.

Exactly.
PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 14:06

I know it's not ideal but if both parents agree and it works for the children then I dont see what is wrong with saying sorry you have to stay in one place while you isolate and then the other parent can take more days on when they've finished isolating.

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 14:07

@beseigedbykillersquirrels well it worked for us and was suggested by SC's mum. So we shall tell her this is absurd next time...

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 14:11

I've skimmed through the replies as I don't fare too well when lambasted by 50 plus people at one time and I do regret posting now.

I can assure you they are not treat as second class citizens. The two visits per week then EOW set up is an arrangement made between DP and his ex. They're both happy with that so it doesn't really matter what others think about that bit.

I obviously shouldn't have suggested they go to McDonald's and the park BUT I certainly wasn't implying they should go around spreading germs. Going through the drive through isn't putting anybody at risk if they're in the back of the car and they could easily stay away from others in the open air at the park/car park.

Admittedly I was predominantly thinking of myself and unborn when I posted. I think if somebody is newly pregnant after multiple losses they are entitled to think of themselves for once.

I think it's ridiculous that somebody suggested they'd be infecting people via their discarded rubbish. Do people regularly rummage in bins with no gloves on?

To be honest one of the main reasons I suggested he take them out was because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I would be torn to shreds if I dared to suggest he doesn't see them at all and instead rearranged.

I can also assure you that neither DP or his ex see me as their other mum and if DP did then it would only be when it suits him.

We've been together just under 4 years and we're not married. I'm fond of and care about his children but nobody would tell you I'm their step mother, least of all DP.

Yes he lives with me and I'm happy for him to have his contact here, 99.9% of the time, but this was my home before it was his and I believe i deserve a say, or atleast a warning, if people are going to be coming here sick.

Its not the first time they've come round ill and I had no problem with it before, but then we weren't in a pandemic nor was I pregnant in my first trimester at the time.

His ex is a reasonable person and did the right thing by telling him in advance. My grievance is with him for keeping that from me and having me find out after they'd arrived, from the children.

I did have words with him and his response was "oh yes I'm really sorry, she did let me know, I was just rushing and forgot to mention it"

Like fuck.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/03/2021 14:12

@Sirzy

It’s not by the by at all.

You basically want your partner to say “sorry kids I have a new baby coming so you will just have to be happy with a trip to McDonald’s for now”

They'd probably have been delighted!
CandyLeBonBon · 26/03/2021 14:12

No

"we're going to have a fun trip to the park or McDonald's today, who wants to be stuck indoors on a nice day anyway?!"

They need never know it's about shielding me from getting ill.

Ok. So you are concerned they have symptoms that MIGHT be Covid (unlikely but possible)

So you want to send them to the park and McDonalds?

So as long as you don't come into contact with them, that's fine, but any one else is fair game?

Ok then.

You know it's unlikely to be Covid, but if you are concerned, mention that to your dp as a valid concern.

If on the other hand you're just feeling crap and want some time to yourself, you ALSO need to communicate that. It's fair to be clear about your needs. It's not fair to dress it up as concern about Covid because that's an easier conversation to have. That's a bit of a cop out, so for that reason yabu.

If you need a break, be honest about it.

dontdisturbmenow · 26/03/2021 14:13

Welcome to world of worrying as a mum. You'll face number of such dilemma unrelated to the step-children.

It's likely that you might find yourself in the same situation with your eldest if you are pregnant again and will have to decide whether your child stays away or you try to minimise the risks by getting your OH to take on all tasks.

UhtredRagnarson · 26/03/2021 14:13

Sorry I thought I included that in my OP, I re wrote it twice before posting.

One has a cough and the other has a very runny nose, which has now been recognised as a covid symptom.

So how could he have taken them to McDonald’s?

Hotelhelp · 26/03/2021 14:14

and the award for Stepmother of the year goes toooooooo ..........

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 14:15

Sounds like you are mad at the right person OP. Good luck with your pregnancy Flowers

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 14:16

@Hotelhelp

and the award for Stepmother of the year goes toooooooo ..........
Not me.

I'm not their step mother.

I did start to think of myself in that way but was firmly put back in my box.

I'm dad's girlfriend, nothing else.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 26/03/2021 14:16

I obviously shouldn't have suggested they go to McDonald's and the park BUT I certainly wasn't implying they should go around spreading germs. Going through the drive through isn't putting anybody at risk if they're in the back of the car and they could easily stay away from others in the open air at the park/car park
It doesn't matter what you think about the risk!
If you are saying the children have covered symptoms then they should be ISOLATING and getting tested.

(Bangs head on wall). We are a year into this.

catinbootsx · 26/03/2021 14:16

Christ this bloke just keeps sounding better and better.

LolaSmiles · 26/03/2021 14:16

**covid symptoms

mummylovesthesunshine · 26/03/2021 14:16

Yanbu
You will always priorities your own dc over step dc so don't listen to people who say mean things such as 'don't be that step mother'.

Is it your house solely or his as well? You can ask him to meet his dc out of the house if that's what you wish.

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 14:18

The house is mine, in my name and he has no claim to it.

Obviously it's his home for all intents and purposes and by extension his children's, but it's my house.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 26/03/2021 14:19

Flipping heck so you even still see your partner as a visitor in your home! What a way to start a family

jellybellybanana · 26/03/2021 14:20

I can assure you they are not treat as second class citizens. The two visits per week then EOW set up is an arrangement made between DP and his ex. They're both happy with that so it doesn't really matter what others think about that bit

It doesn't appear to matter if the kids are happy with it, you don't mention that Hmm

Lachimolala · 26/03/2021 14:20

Normally I’d say YABU and I caught all sorts from my DSD when I was with her dad, however with COVID now being a thing and newly pregnant I’d probably be very nervous over this. I’m not sure what I’d do in that situation but I can definitely understand where you’re coming from.

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 14:21

@jellybellybanana

I can assure you they are not treat as second class citizens. The two visits per week then EOW set up is an arrangement made between DP and his ex. They're both happy with that so it doesn't really matter what others think about that bit

It doesn't appear to matter if the kids are happy with it, you don't mention that Hmm

They're perfectly happy, thank you for your concern Confused
OP posts:
Crunchymum · 26/03/2021 14:23

I (sadly) suspect that had you phrased things differently, IE AIBU to think a child with a cough needs a covid test? and of course not mentioned you are "step mother" in the situation, then the replies would have been completely different.

FWIW I expect kids with a cough to have a test, if only because it's what is expected of my kids (including one who has a cough every other bloody week!!)

Aimee1987 · 26/03/2021 14:23

MN is very anti step mum you will find that if you ever venture into the step parenting board.
Also to quote a MN classic you dont have a DSC issue, you have a DP issue.