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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Fridget · 26/03/2021 13:17

I think the replies on this thread are ridiculous. Of course OP can’t wash her hands of her step children, or expect her partner not to take responsibility. No one is suggesting that. She wasn’t suggesting he don’t see the children, only that he give them tea not at their home to avoid her getting ill.

That’s in the context that she has had two losses and is in the first trimester and is scared of getting ill during a pandemic. Have a fucking heart some of you.

Being a decent stepmother doesn’t mean you aren’t ever entitled to consider yourself at all.

m0therofdragons · 26/03/2021 13:18

But they are her partners dc and so she needs to respect their relationship with their dad means they might be in their home while ill. Or are you suggesting the df should send dc away because they matter less than his new woman?

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 13:18

@SmokedDuck

Isn't the problem here that the kids' symptoms are really on the line for whether they are just colds or should be tested and isolate?

It's a judgement call that every parent has made the past year and no clear correct answer.

But in this case the mum and dad have made it, with the SM out of the loop. And she feels like she might have made a different call, and feels like if they are wrong, it could be putting her pregnancy at risk.

I likely would have made the same call as the mum and dad, I think halting everything for what seem like normal cold symptoms - a runny nose and cough caused by runny nose - is not all that practical. But I totally get why the OP might feel less sure about that.

I think you're right, and sounds like mum gave the OPs partner the choice and he decided without thinking of OP or his 3rd child that it would be fine.

There are 3 children in the family and the most vulnerable one needs to be protected. It is not in any of their interest for the unborn child to be put at risk.

Knitterbabe · 26/03/2021 13:19

YANBU. The hatred and vitriol against stepmothers on here is deeply unpleasant.

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 13:19

I agree @Fridget. For some reason OP is just supposed to put her unborn child last.

Brunt0n · 26/03/2021 13:21

This reply has been deleted

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Fridget · 26/03/2021 13:21

@m0therofdragons

But they are her partners dc and so she needs to respect their relationship with their dad means they might be in their home while ill. Or are you suggesting the df should send dc away because they matter less than his new woman?
“Send them away”? Where has that come from? Who has suggested that? It was seeing them outside of them home that she suggested.

And in the ordinary scheme of things yes she might have to get ill from them, but she won’t be permanently first trimester pregnant in a pandemic.

Are you suggesting her partner shouldn’t consider her welfare or the welfare of his unborn child at all regardless of the circumstances?

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 13:23

@Brunt0n

Would she be sending her biological children out to the park or would she just be sucking it up?

I knew I didn’t want to be a step mum, so I didn’t get with any men with children. It’s not that hard.

If they were her biological children and they had two homes it would make sense for them to stay in the home where they got ill. Or to go to the home where their vulnerable unborn sibling wasn't.
BluebellsGreenbells · 26/03/2021 13:24

A good caring dad would be perfectly capable of looking after ill DC

Not when it’s Covid and spreading it around

He’s irresponsible.

LH1987 · 26/03/2021 13:25

Bet the OP is regretting opening this one up for discussion.

I now understand that by suggesting her DSC go out for a Mac Donald’s instead of coming to the house, once, she is an evil step villain who deserves the outrage of the internet.

It must be really hard to be a step mom!

For what it’s worth, I bet they would have only loved a Mac Donald’s.

Vanillarose1 · 26/03/2021 13:25

I also don't think you are unreasonable in the slightest. But stepmothers have a notoriously hard time here - I cringed when I read your post knowing what others would say. It's very easy to judge if you've never been there.

I don't allow my partner's children to come to the house when they are ill as it puts my children at risk. I'm also self employed so can't afford to take time off sick. But it is my house, we're not married and don't have any children together so I don't know if that makes any difference...

Brunt0n · 26/03/2021 13:27

How do you think it would go down on here if a woman posted that her kids had runny noses so their dad had said he couldn’t have his time with them / they couldn’t go in his house, because the kids step mum was pregnant?

Not well I’d bet

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 13:27

In the same vain we have kept DSS at our house because his Mother was a Covid contact to keep him safe. She kept him when I was self isolating. Works both ways

There were no covid symptoms when I posted that.

The replies would have been totally different if the op had mentioned them and the fact she’s apparently also shielding earlier.

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 13:28

@Brunt0n

How do you think it would go down on here if a woman posted that her kids had runny noses so their dad had said he couldn’t have his time with them / they couldn’t go in his house, because the kids step mum was pregnant?

Not well I’d bet

One of them has a cough
Freddiefox · 26/03/2021 13:28

You could have gone to the park or McDonald’s..

If the children aren’t well surely they would prefer to stay in.

pictish · 26/03/2021 13:29

Any excuse.

LolaSmiles · 26/03/2021 13:29

for some reason OP is just supposed to put her unborn child last
Of course she isn't.
However, she can't pick and choose which bits of the covid rules apply.

This has nothing to do with someone being a step parent and everything to do with the simple facts that:

  1. If the kids have covid symptoms then their parents need to ensure they are isolating and tested, so not going to schools and the park and McDonald's and everywhere else. If their parents aren't doing this then they're out if order.
  2. If the OP has symptoms then she needs to get a covid test, not to rule it out, but because that's been the state of play for the last year.
  3. If the children don't actually have covid symptoms but are just under the weather then that's not grounds to deny them coming to their father's house

If 1 was the case then the thread would surely have been 'AIBU to think stepchildren should be isolating as they have one of the 3 main covid symptoms that require a test', not 'I don't want DSC in my house when they're unwell, but they can go to the park and to McDonald's instead'.

blackcat86 · 26/03/2021 13:29

Sorry OP but on MN it really is stuff the baby who is a second class citizen to the '1st children'. I think you need to leave the issue of the children out of it for a minute and them being passed from pillar to post whilst poorly. Your question should be 'I am pregnant and in the first trimester after a miscarriage. I've caught a bug from my DH and now need to be tested for covid because he didn't even have the decency to tell me he would seeing children who are unwell'. It's not about the DSC. You have a DH problem. What has your DH got to say about all this? Is he bothered that you are needing to be tested for covid whilst at such an important point in your pregnancy?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 26/03/2021 13:30

@PurpleDaisies

You didn’t say they had covid symptoms before. If that’s true they needed to he isolating so wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere outdoors.
I think the clue would be in the OP 'I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out'.
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 26/03/2021 13:32

@Fridget

I think the replies on this thread are ridiculous. Of course OP can’t wash her hands of her step children, or expect her partner not to take responsibility. No one is suggesting that. She wasn’t suggesting he don’t see the children, only that he give them tea not at their home to avoid her getting ill.

That’s in the context that she has had two losses and is in the first trimester and is scared of getting ill during a pandemic. Have a fucking heart some of you.

Being a decent stepmother doesn’t mean you aren’t ever entitled to consider yourself at all.

Don't you see that if the children have covid symptoms then they shouldn't be going out elsewhere for their tea? Interesting that you'd merrily put many more people at risk by insisting on that, as long as they were nowhere near you. If their father had spent time with them it's very likely he would have caught anything they had and eventually passed it on to OP anyway. Why couldn't OP just stay in a different room while the children were there?
PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 13:32

I think the clue would be in the OP 'I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out'.

That doesn’t mean the children had covid symptoms. You’d have thought the shielding might have been important...

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 13:33

I think the clue would be in the OP 'I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out'.

Also the op was saying she wanted the dad to take them to the park or McDonald’s which was totally inconsistent with them having covid symptoms.

pictish · 26/03/2021 13:33

“Is he bothered that you are needing to be tested for covid whilst at such an important point in your pregnancy?”

I wouldn’t be bothered about her taking a Covid test. There’s nowt to it. She’s pregnant, not made of icing. Get a grip.

Cadent · 26/03/2021 13:34

Don't you see that if the children have covid symptoms then they shouldn't be going out elsewhere for their tea?

Don't you see that if the children have covid symptoms they should stay at the house where they developed the symptoms, to contain it?

Interesting that you'd merrily put many more people at risk by insisting on that, as long as they were nowhere near you.

Interesting that you'd merrily put OP at risk.

LolaSmiles · 26/03/2021 13:35

NeverDropYourMoonCup
Any number of bugs can cause temperatures and not everyone who has covid gets a temperature.

If the children had covid symptoms then the DP and his ex should ensure the children were isolating and got a test, and the OP (as another responsible adult in their lives) would be saying the same, not suggesting the kids get taken around the area whilst full of covid symptoms.

So either there are 3 adults who all think it's fine to ignore the most simple parts of getting tested (which isn't beyond the realms of possibility), or the children didn't have symptoms requiring a covid test.