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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereso · 27/03/2021 17:51

If I had £1 for every time somebody said "what would you do if they were your biological children" or "what will you do when you have a second and they get ill" ....

She also doesn't send them to their grandparents(agreed by the grandparents) when the kids are sick...is that abandonment too

Probably yes, according to this lot Grin

OP posts:
cherrytreesa · 27/03/2021 17:56

Surely it’s drummed into us that everyone has to test and isolate for a cough or fever. Why are people ignoring that?

It looks to be some mothers of step-children using this thread to show how utterly unreasonable they are prepared to be, even during a pandemic of all things. Confused.

My DSCs mother thankfully has more cop on and doesn't behave like this. She decided to keep DSS at home when he displayed covid symptoms and when my DD was displaying symptoms, we told her and OBVIOUSLY she decided to keep the children at home.

I can't imagine her wanting to send her kids into out house to potentially infect us Confused. It really is outrageous that some people can't see how unreasonable they are.

cherrytreesa · 27/03/2021 18:02

The guidance allowed for it though so your ex should have been in support. I’m not suggesting I agree with it but isolating is a very convenient way of stopping access so I can see why the guidance was written in the way it was

Oh wow, the paranoia level of this comment is insane. It almost reminds me of the paranoia levels, covid-denier conspiracy theorists display.

LucieStar · 27/03/2021 18:02

@cherrytreesa

"Suck it up" and "It’s part of him , sickness and in health" do make me wonder if the more rabid comments on here are from women who are bitter about their husband leaving them for another woman, and their best form of revenge is to say "Here you go, you can have his fucking kids too

Also known as Betty Brodericks'. I have my own theory. I think the vitriol is from women who when they split with their DCs father, still had control over their ex to an extent, they called the shots regarding kids and Dad just went along with it.

Dad then meets someone else and new partner can see how Dad is being exploited and used so she maybe draws attention to this and opens Dads eyes up to this. Dad starts putting boundaries in place and ex loses control of herself, can't cope with not being in charge and then they hate campaign against step-mum(s) begins.

Absolutely this!
This perfectly explains why DP's ex hated me for a while. He was no longer her little puppet. She hated that.

LucieStar · 27/03/2021 18:05

@relaxingforme

They will bring all sorts into the house when you have baby as well.. what then? Part of parenting His time with his children usually won't exclude illness and problems along the way

She won't be pregnant then will she and terrified of yet another miscarriage!!! Ffs. I give up.

LucieStar · 27/03/2021 18:07

@cherrytreesa

Maybe the mum has plans and keeping ill dc wasn’t convenient whenthere’s a perfectly good parent able to give them tea/give her a break from ill dc. Don’t be the bitter selfish stepmum

And there we have it. Mums plans are must take priority over everyone else including unborn baby and OP. A bit of gaslighting and projection thrown in for good effect.

Let's face it the whole thing is about mum's plans isn't it. The well-being of children isn't even a factor in most of these vile comments.

HeckyPeck · 27/03/2021 18:25

I think this is one of the most disgusting step mum bashing threads I've ever read. Shame on you lot. Fucking shame.

I'm very sorry for your losses OP. Fingers crossed for a negative test.

As you've probably realised, this is not a supportive place for step parents.

The horrible comments are just people projecting and say more about them than they do you.

Of course you shouldn't have to risk yours and your unborn baby's health! It shouldn't even need saying.

I bet if a mum posted saying her kid's step siblings had Covid symptoms but their dad was insisting they still visited it would be a completely different story!

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 27/03/2021 18:34

Op the only unreasonable thing you have done is post as a step parent on AIBU.
You're worries are totally acceptable and why would anyone think its ok to ship kids between houses with a cough during this pandemic especially while their wife is having a high risk pregnancy.

I understand how you feel, my youngest is high risk and DH still travels 100ew to see his older DC who I would never stop him seeing and who I miss incredibly badly as do our DC but the situation makes me worry and I'm not sure I could forgive if he knowingly saw one of them who had covid symptoms and took them here.

needadvice54321 · 27/03/2021 18:39

@Whereso

He's still their father, OP. He has a right to contact even though you are pregnant and to take them out.

Of course he does, despite being worried about the risk I would never tell him he can't see them that's not my place and I have no right, but I do have the right to want to protect myself and unborn by him not having that contact here when they're ill.

I actually agree, which I'll be honest I don't often stick up for step mums on here (bad previous experience) but in this case I think you need to put you and little one first
Alcemeg · 28/03/2021 12:18

@Whereso

I've just been to a drive through testing centre as I don't want to wait so long for the results. I'll have them back within 24-48 hours so I'll update the thread if it hasn't filled up.
Hope you tested negative, Whereso, and it's just a wee cold that will soon get better and all is well!

On a personal note, I don't live in the UK and am rather envious of having drive-through testing centres with speedy results.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 16:28

I think this is one of the most disgusting step mum bashing threads I've ever read. Shame on you lot. Fucking shame.

Put a sock in it. Every single SM thread, no matter how unreasonable she is, there is always a crowd bleating about how horrible everyone is to SM. No criticism of SM is allowed at all, they are never wrong to you people, and anyone who says they are is evil SM hating first wife bitches. Blah bah blah, every single time. Give it a rest.

Pinkyxx · 28/03/2021 17:05

I'm a first wife and don't think this is a step parent thing, instead it's a basic common sense thing.. I don't send my DC to my ex husband's house when they are ill as it feels inconsiderate to do so. I've appreciated it on the rare occasions when he's told me his kids are ill and suggests skipping contact. What I haven't appreciated is our child ( and inevitably me) getting ill because contact goes ahead regardless. Spreading illness and getting a load of people ill for the sake of a visit makes zero sense.

By ill I mean something that merits staying off school - i.e. temperate / D&V etc not a runny nose.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 28/03/2021 17:29

@jellybellybanana

I think this is one of the most disgusting step mum bashing threads I've ever read. Shame on you lot. Fucking shame.

Put a sock in it. Every single SM thread, no matter how unreasonable she is, there is always a crowd bleating about how horrible everyone is to SM. No criticism of SM is allowed at all, they are never wrong to you people, and anyone who says they are is evil SM hating first wife bitches. Blah bah blah, every single time. Give it a rest.

Oh what a load of shit.

If you're going to be horrible then be prepared to be called out for being horrible.

The thing is she's not being unreasonable and people are piling on. The same names DO come up on thread after thread sticking the boot in to make themselves feel better. It's undeniable.

Your little rant makes it obvious how bitter you are as well. It's embarrassing.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 17:45

Your little rant makes it obvious how bitter you are as well. It's embarrassing

Bitter about what? If you're embarrassed, best to stop posting. I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Twoforthree · 28/03/2021 17:47

No wonder we've had covid numbers so high, with people ignoring basic common sense of not mixing unnecessarily.

Twoforthree · 28/03/2021 17:48

Hope you are ok, op.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 17:50

No wonder we've had covid numbers so high, with people ignoring basic common sense of not mixing unnecessarily

It's not mixing unneccesarily and children going to both parents homes is not driving Covid numbers up. Nice try though

Twoforthree · 28/03/2021 17:53

It's not going to hurt anyone involved to miss a contact, in order to prevent possible covid transmission. It's a one off FGS.

Twoforthree · 28/03/2021 17:55

children going to both parents homes is not driving Covid numbers up. Nice try though

It will be if the op tests positive!

Twoforthree · 28/03/2021 17:56

Of course it's necessary - I meant with covid symptoms, it's not necessary.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 18:00

It's not going to hurt anyone involved to miss a contact, in order to prevent possible covid transmission. It's a one off FGS

Of course its not a one off. Every sniffle, every little thing, OP will want them to not come. She sees the children as optional extras that she can say no to. Her house is hers, not theirs. She said so.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 28/03/2021 18:06

@jellybellybanana

It's not going to hurt anyone involved to miss a contact, in order to prevent possible covid transmission. It's a one off FGS

Of course its not a one off. Every sniffle, every little thing, OP will want them to not come. She sees the children as optional extras that she can say no to. Her house is hers, not theirs. She said so.

And you know that how?

It is her home, and by definition they visit but op has said how she feels about them several times and hey you've completely ignored that haven't you?

I wonder why that is?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 28/03/2021 18:07

@jellybellybanana

Your little rant makes it obvious how bitter you are as well. It's embarrassing

Bitter about what? If you're embarrassed, best to stop posting. I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm embarrassed for you. Your bias and bitterness is so blatantly obvious. Why don't you focus on your own problems instead of taking them out on op?
jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 18:07

It is her home, and by definition they visit but op has said how she feels about them several times and hey you've completely ignored that haven't you

On the contrary, I have actually paid attention to what she said. It appears you have not though.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 18:08

Your bias and bitterness is so blatantly obvious. Why don't you focus on your own problems instead of taking them out on op?

They are? Wow, they are so blatantly obvious that I don't even know I have them?
What am I bitter about then...if it's so obvious you can explain it to me. Do tell me what my problems are?