To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

[Whereso]

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

He is a father even when they are il
He is a partner even when he has kids.
And they are allowed into their own home even when they are ill
It’s OPs one and only home, their main home is with their mother.
Otherwise he would be a very shit father
He’s been a shit father to his unborn baby so far.

You don't get rid of your kids when they are sick even if you are pregnant. When they are YOUR kids, it actually make no difference if they test positive or not, you don't lock them in their bedroom

Some front line workers had to live apart from their children at the height of the pandemic, to protect the children and themselves. How can you not know that these scenarios actually happened in a pandemic? Why are you talking as if we're living in a world pre-covid?

I hope you are ok, op.

It isn't bonkers.
It's how families work.
One child may get ill and we hope the bug isn't passed around- sometimes it is, sometimes not.
But that is family life.
You have to take the bad bits along with the good bits.
You can''t pick and choose

So therefore containing the sickness in ONE household. Are you suggesting that step-children are the exception and should be allowed to take illnesses into multiple households? Even during a pandemic the step-children are the exception?

You don't get rid of your kids when they are sick even if you are pregnant. When they are YOUR kids, it actually make no difference if they test positive or not, you don't lock them in their bedroom

Christ alive.
"Get rid of" and "lock in bedroom".
What a way to make staying at their main home with their mother sound like child abuse.

You can''t pick and choose*

You can, however, make sensible decisions based on the fact that they have 2 homes and viruses should be as contained as possible.

Well yes I would move an ill child my DD has two parents and he's capable of looking after her as well. We have a very weird system in this country where children of the 1st relationship are downgraded to part time parenting after the relationship ends

I have NEVER sent my sick child off to someone else's house when she's been sick, even pre-covid. Why on earth would you want your child to potentially make someone else sick, including their father? Part-time parenting? I think you need to include the parents who still want to ship their sick children out of the house in that statement.

@cherrytreesa

Well yes I would move an ill child my DD has two parents and he's capable of looking after her as well. We have a very weird system in this country where children of the 1st relationship are downgraded to part time parenting after the relationship ends

I have NEVER sent my sick child off to someone else's house when she's been sick, even pre-covid. Why on earth would you want your child to potentially make someone else sick, including their father? Part-time parenting? I think you need to include the parents who still want to ship their sick children out of the house in that statement.

👏🏻

I have an image of OPs step children leaving home at 18 and PPs still telling her they're his kids even when they're I'll.

OP gets it.

What do you think families do when they have older children? Throw them out of the house if they are ill?

This is so so immature and just baffling. They stay in bed at home and contain the sickness to one house surely. Wtf is wrong with people? This surely is someone who wants 'free-time' at all costs even above their childrens well-being.

I am a parent and a step-parent and when my own kids have been sick, DSCs mother is always informed and she decides whether she wants to send DSC, sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't. I also expect the same in return. If DSC are sick, why on earth would they come to us and spread said sickness?

I just wouldn’t move in with a man who had kids already. I couldn’t be arsed with having them round on the regular. I cba with other people’s children beyond a couple of hours here and there or the odd day out, therefore I wouldn’t saddle myself with them. I’d leave him to his parenting and stay in my house to look after my own.
Not helpful I don’t suppose, but whenever I read one of these dilemmas or hear of them in rl, I shudder at the thought.

Maybe the mum has plans and keeping ill dc wasn’t convenient whenthere’s a perfectly good parent able to give them tea/give her a break from ill dc. Don’t be the bitter selfish stepmum

And there we have it. Mums plans are must take priority over everyone else including unborn baby and OP. A bit of gaslighting and projection thrown in for good effect.

@cherrytreesa

Maybe the mum has plans and keeping ill dc wasn’t convenient whenthere’s a perfectly good parent able to give them tea/give her a break from ill dc. Don’t be the bitter selfish stepmum

And there we have it. Mums plans are must take priority over everyone else including unborn baby and OP. A bit of gaslighting and projection thrown in for good effect.

That is foul.

@pictish

I just wouldn’t move in with a man who had kids already. I couldn’t be arsed with having them round on the regular. I cba with other people’s children beyond a couple of hours here and there or the odd day out, therefore I wouldn’t saddle myself with them. I’d leave him to his parenting and stay in my house to look after my own. Not helpful I don’t suppose, but whenever I read one of these dilemmas or hear of them in rl, I shudder at the thought.

No not helpful.

Your partner is a parent. Get used to it. You wont get time away from your own sick kids

Oh really? So does that not apply to mothers of SC? Bit of a contradiction don't you think?

They will bring all sorts into the house when you have baby as well.. what then?
Part of parenting
His time with his children usually won't exclude illness and problems along the way

@relaxingforme

They will bring all sorts into the house when you have baby as well.. what then? Part of parenting His time with his children usually won't exclude illness and problems along the way

Do you realise how idiotic this sounds?

but you have to see his kids as if they're your own family. If the kids were yours you'd still have them around, poorly or not, whether you were pregnant or not

FFS how many times does it have to be repeated. If the kids were OPs, she wouldn't be sending them to another house to spread potential illness.

This is the most frustrating thread I've read in my years on Mumsnet. The level of ignoring the actual facts of a pandemic is utterly mind-blowing. The utter selfishness of people is astonishing.

@relaxingforme

They will bring all sorts into the house when you have baby as well.. what then? Part of parenting His time with his children usually won't exclude illness and problems along the way

No, but OP won't be shit scared of a third loss. Wise up.

@cherrytreesa

but you have to see his kids as if they're your own family. If the kids were yours you'd still have them around, poorly or not, whether you were pregnant or not

FFS how many times does it have to be repeated. If the kids were OPs, she wouldn't be sending them to another house to spread potential illness.

This is the most frustrating thread I've read in my years on Mumsnet. The level of ignoring the actual facts of a pandemic is utterly mind-blowing. The utter selfishness of people is astonishing.

Given she wanted them out and about because of the nice weather - I suspect she would actually

And so fucking what If she did? I mean apparently it's aok to ship your kids out when they're Ill, isn't it?

His having kids is non negotiable
It’s part of him , sickness and in health
As said a PP don’t be that stepmother

Oh god, I'm cringing so hard at this. How condescending can you get. Why are posting as if we're not in a pandemic? Why are you ignoring OPs previous miscarriages and the risks to her?

"Suck it up" and "It’s part of him , sickness and in health" do make me wonder if the more rabid comments on here are from women who are bitter about their husband leaving them for another woman, and their best form of revenge is to say "Here you go, you can have his fucking kids too

Also known as Betty Brodericks'. I have my own theory. I think the vitriol is from women who when they split with their DCs father, still had control over their ex to an extent, they called the shots regarding kids and Dad just went along with it.

Dad then meets someone else and new partner can see how Dad is being exploited and used so she maybe draws attention to this and opens Dads eyes up to this. Dad starts putting boundaries in place and ex loses control of herself, can't cope with not being in charge and then they hate campaign against step-mum(s) begins.

He can't just opt out of parenhood when the kids aren't well. How would you like it if you two seperated and he just abandoned your child when they were ill because it was inconvenient for his partner

Thank goodness my DPs ex doesn't think like this. Why all the dramatic talk of 'abandonment'? My DSCs mother actually cares enough about her kids AND other people to not ship her children between households.

She also doesn't send them to their grandparents(agreed by the grandparents) when the kids are sick...is that abandonment too As for 'Inconvenient to his partner' You are vile and selfish.

I read the first two pages of this thread and gave up all hope in MN. Glad some sensible posters have showed up in the meantime.