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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereso · 27/03/2021 09:06

I'm sorry to hear that Candy, and thank you.

I'm not sure DP does to be honest, I have told him I'm not happy to have been put in this position and he says he's sorry but doesn't seem very genuine to me. It's clear he thinks it's all a big fuss over nothing but that wasn't his call to make alone really.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 27/03/2021 09:09

If that's the case then can you tell me why pregnant women are considered vulnerable? Because they are

There's no evidence that if you're pregnant you're more likely to get seriously ill from coronavirus. But pregnant women are in the moderate risk (clinically vulnerable) group as a precaution. From NHS Website.

Moderate risk and mainly in later stage of pregnancy. NHS staff in early pregnancy were elected to continue with their duties after risk assessment.

The comment you made was abhorrent
Not it wasn't at all. Much more tactful than what other posters have said but you had to pick on me.

You are rude and insulting but think it's ok. I am as entitled to post my views here as you are. You don't get to police threads and pick on whoever just because you've decided you don't like them.

Waitwhat23 · 27/03/2021 09:09

Unless those posting have been pregnant/given birth during a worldwide pandemic, you just don't understand the level of fear and worry that pregnant women are feeling just now. I had my baby a month into the first lockdown last year and I have never experienced anxiety like it - I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have the normal pregnancy worries, been terrified of catching a deadly infection and had worries around previous losses. It's entirely reasonable to have worries about being exposed to children who have the main symptoms of the virus and who have another home they can isolate at until they have has a test. You are getting a kicking on here and you don't deserve it, OP.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 27/03/2021 09:12

@dontdisturbmenow

If that's the case then can you tell me why pregnant women are considered vulnerable? Because they are

There's no evidence that if you're pregnant you're more likely to get seriously ill from coronavirus. But pregnant women are in the moderate risk (clinically vulnerable) group as a precaution. From NHS Website.

Moderate risk and mainly in later stage of pregnancy. NHS staff in early pregnancy were elected to continue with their duties after risk assessment.

The comment you made was abhorrent
Not it wasn't at all. Much more tactful than what other posters have said but you had to pick on me.

You are rude and insulting but think it's ok. I am as entitled to post my views here as you are. You don't get to police threads and pick on whoever just because you've decided you don't like them.

No I've quoted many vile posts as vile. Don't flatter yourself!

Ok well carry on posting but don't be surprised if people call you out for your nasty comments.

It is not tactful to tell a pregnant woman with recent multiple losses to stop worrying about a valid concern in case she gives herself mental health issues. That's not how it works and if anything you'll have made the op even more body anxious.

We are all wise to the posters who show up on every thread to stick the boot in. We've all noticed.

Original poster
Whereso · 27/03/2021 09:13

Being clinically vulnerable and deemed a moderate risk isn't reason enough to be cautious, dontdisturbme? Ok then Confused

You can tack the word precaution on the end of that statement but it doesn't make it any less serious for me.

OP posts:
dontsaveusername · 27/03/2021 09:18

That was an appalling thing for him to do. It was knowing his DCs were not well and exposing you to the illness which is unforgivable. Ridiculous to say he could have picked up the illness and passed on to you. He may never have caught it and should have taken steps to avoid it for your sake. I would be very unhappy about this.

Youseethethingis · 27/03/2021 09:19

Should have known the 'gang' would come to insult posters, even here. The SM forum not good enough
We don’t know who you are or what you want, but we will find you and we will call you out on your BS.
What should we just sit back and watch you stick the boot into a vulnerable and distressed pregnant woman who has already been treated with contempt by her own DP?
Nah, your not on.

Greenrubber · 27/03/2021 09:19

People there is a link to birth deformities from the mother having a high temp in ealry pregnancy!!!!
And guess what a symptom of covid is!
Why are people so dismissive of this?

dontsaveusername · 27/03/2021 09:19

Ignore all the shit responses Op. MN hates stepmothers and second relationships

SwedePea · 27/03/2021 09:21

I share 50% custody of my daughter and in these times, if one of us (her father, me, her, or my partner) is sick we don't do an exchange until everyone is well. You didn't want to keep him from his kids, just a safer visit outdoors, completely reasonable. If I were pregnant, I'd think just like you (and you've had losses to boot!) The kids can go outside or hell, even skip 1 tea with their dad to keep you and your baby safe. I don't understand these negative comments. Your feelings are completely rational. He has to think of the whole picture, but he completely overlooked your health and wellbeing, I'd be pissed too.

Eleganz · 27/03/2021 09:23

Do they have Covid or Covid symptoms?

Do they have any illnesses that pose a risk to your pregnancy?

If they do then they should not be coming over.

If not, then I think you are overreacting, the man should still parent on his days even if the kids are a bit unwell with a common childhood illness.

I say this as both a mother and a stepmother.

dontdisturbmenow · 27/03/2021 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Whereso · 27/03/2021 09:31

They do have covid symptoms, one has a new continuous cough and the other a runny nose and feels lethargic.

They weren't tested as neither parent felt they met the criteria to be concerned about covid, which was both naive and dangerous.

After coming into contact with them I have a temperature and lethargy so I've had to order a test which will be here today or tomorrow and isolate.

Also i'd like to point out again that I'm not their step mother according to DP, so why should I have to "suck it up"?

Even if we were married this wouldn't be ok.

Step parents/girlfriends of NRP fathers well-being matters too, unborn babies certainly matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereso · 27/03/2021 09:33

Cautious, maybe, but again, unless you shield for 9 months, you can't totally prevent a risk. It's not just about Covid. You face moderate risks every day, it's just not as obvious.

I do face moderate risks every day yes but I usually have agency to navigate those risks by knowing about them in advance, for example avoiding sick people.

OP posts:
DinoHat · 27/03/2021 09:37

@Greenrubber

People there is a link to birth deformities from the mother having a high temp in ealry pregnancy!!!! And guess what a symptom of covid is! Why are people so dismissive of this?
Because the kids need their tea with their dad else their whole world will fall in.... Those kids were “here first” so you must understand the hierarchy. OP knew OH already has kids and should be willing to sacrifice the safety and health of both herself and her unborn child to ensure that step children have optimum comfort and happiness at all times. Chicken nuggets at mums house can only happen on x days. The emotional damage at any change in schedule is far too great to seriously consider the impact on anybody else.
DinoHat · 27/03/2021 09:39

you can't totally prevent a risk.

No but you can mitigate a risk. You do understand the difference?

Yakkabee · 27/03/2021 09:39

In Scotland the published step-parenting advice is to avoid mixing the households if one party has symptoms. It’s common sense really.

OP YABU, this is not normal times and it’s perfectly normal to be anxious about falling ill when pregnant, no matter the circumstances. Families have a duty to keep one another safe as much as reasonably possible. There are risks associated with fevers in pregnancy anyway, never mind actual Covid.

PandaFluff · 27/03/2021 09:40

@Whereso hope you're on the mend soon.

Step parents/girlfriends of NRP fathers well-being matters too, unborn babies certainly matter.

This is the bit a lot of people forget. As if second families are somehow lesser.

Yakkabee · 27/03/2021 09:40

YANBU*

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/03/2021 09:41

His having kids is non negotiable
It’s part of him , sickness and in health
As said a PP don’t be that stepmother

TrustTheGeneGenie · 27/03/2021 09:43

@Thisisworsethananticpated

His having kids is non negotiable It’s part of him , sickness and in health As said a PP don’t be that stepmother
What a load of rubbish.

Don't be that poster.

LucieStar · 27/03/2021 09:44

@Thisisworsethananticpated

His having kids is non negotiable It’s part of him , sickness and in health As said a PP don’t be that stepmother

The unborn child OP is carrying is also part of him and he owes that child due consideration.

LucieStar · 27/03/2021 09:45

Step parents/girlfriends of NRP fathers well-being matters too, unborn babies certainly matter.

Everywhere else in the world they do, it's just MN where they don't.

LucieStar · 27/03/2021 09:47

Unless those posting have been pregnant/given birth during a worldwide pandemic, you just don't understand the level of fear and worry that pregnant women are feeling just now.

Yep. I'm due in 3 weeks and it's been an incredibly anxious time. And I don't even have OP's history of losses either.

Sceptre86 · 27/03/2021 09:48

Its common sense that both your partner and his ex lack. If the children have symptoms they stay at home and isolate, otherwise they should be able to move freely between their parents homes regardless of if you are pregnant or not. Their dad could however be understanding of your heightened anxiety and take them out for tea and now as the weather is nice in most areas out to the park or the few shops that are open. I would be annoyed at your oh mostly and explain that, obviously no fault of the kids.